Where it began?

Ever since being officially diagnosed as having depression and anxiety, I can't help but think about where it really been began? How long have I really been struggling with this and why did it take so long for me to be officially diagnosed?

It can't be denied that I've been suffering with mental health issues for some time now. There's enough proof in my blog posts both here and on Tumblr to show this.  Just rereading my posts, I can see that I haven't truly been happy in quite some time. I can see that I've been in a low point in my life for a long time and have slowly gotten worse as time has gone on.

To me, it seems as though I've been slowly getting worse over this past year. However, I know that I've been struggling for longer than that. Thinking about it, I feel like I've been struggling with possible depression at least as long as I first moved to Denton.

I've mentioned time and time again how I first sought counseling back in Fall 2009 for a nervous breakdown. But things were ok after that or at least they seemed to be ok until the chaos happened during my graduation week in May 2010.

I think that chaos plus moving to a whole new place and basically started over was just too much for me. I didn't have time to think or really grieve for everything that happened. But I really didn't focus too much on it either. At least not at first.

I was too busy trying to settle myself in and focus on getting going with my graduate school classes. I know I struggled a great deal that first semester but I survived.  I made it through.

But when I really stop to think about it, perhaps things weren't doing as well as I thought. I guess I just tried to not think about it so much. Things were certainly stressful for me my first semester. Graduate school was a whole new experience for me. It was a lot more involved and while I knew it was going to be, it still was different when you actually experience it.

I guess it was really around this time that I would say that perhaps I really started struggling with mental health issues. However, I guess because I was so focused on my studies, I tended not to notice nearly as much. That and I attributed most of it to just the normal stress of grad school.

I thought I was happy or mostly happy. I did have moments of sadness but I thought it was just because I was stressed out. Now I'm wondering if these moments weren't early signs and I just didn't think much about them.

Spring 2011 semester started off a little better I thought. I felt that after successfully passing a semester's worth of grad classes, I was on my way. I still got stressed out but that's just how I tend to be. I tend to push myself to do well at things. Sometimes too much.  Again there were moments of sadness but again, I didn't look into them that much.

Then The Incident happened and everything just seemed to fall apart after that. I feel like that was the breaking point for me. I was already stressed out from my college courses and was missing my old life in Oklahoma a bit; I was basically finally grieving for what I left behind.  Not to mention, I was starting to feel lonely. Then to have that added on top of everything.

I think that was when I really hit rock bottom or at least I felt like I had.  I wasn't happy. I felt like gray clouds were hanging over me.  I knew I needed help and went and sought counseling on the University campus. I honestly remember taking an online depression screening around this time just because I was a bit curious to see what the results would be. But it turned out negative for depression and so I didn't think too much about it.

I returned to the Student Counseling Center in Fall 2011 because I felt like I needed to return.  I felt that I still needed help.  It was during this time that I was referred to the Psychology Clinic.

All this information has been mentioned previously. So I'm just basically repeating it again.
However, throughout my entire 2.5 years in Denton,  I can honestly say that I don't feel like I was ever really happy there. I'd say that that moving there in Fall 2010 was the beginning of my depression although I didn't recognize it at first or even think about it.

Looking back on it now after being officially diagnosed, I can see that I was never really happy. I don't think I ever really recovered from the disappointment and chaos and then to have other things added on top of that. It's almost not too surprising that I have been diagnosed with depression.

I feel like I've really only been suffering with true depression since last year; the beginning of Fall 2012 semester. At least that's when it really seemed to hit me. I know I was unhappy. I just felt so much unexplained sadness and just was really struggling. I was miserable.

However, I went undiagnosed (as far as I know) until recently. I'm not blaming my therapists or anything but I just wonder why it took so long. Although (and  I've mentioned this before), I felt like my last therapist was close to diagnosing me and would have but we ran out of time. At one of our last couple of sessions, she asked me questions that I know are used to diagnose depression. She was also extremely concerned about me finding another therapist when I moved back home.

Basically, I'm sure I would still have been diagnosed at some point especially since I honestly feel like I've been suffering for so long. I'd say at least 2 years although I didn't really feel like I was suffering from depression until last year. Also with the amount of counseling/therapy I've had and with little improvement in the way things are in my life,  things are obviously aren't that simple. 

So I have depression and when I think back on it, I've been suffering with it for quite some time.
But at least I sought help before it got any worse. Hopefully, I was able to catch it early enough before it got too extreme. From what I can tell, it was already pretty bad but at least now I don't have to suffer too much longer. 

Now I'm on my way to getting better.  Depression is complicated. I may have some idea of when it began. But who really knows how long I've been suffering from it?

Medication

So today I took my first dose of antidepressant and I'll admit that I was quite nervous about taking it. But I've taken it and hopefully once I start adjusting to it, things will start to improve.

Let me backtrack a bit and explain how I got here.

At my therapy session earlier this week,Tuesday, my therapist suggested that I might need to be put on medication for my depression and anxiety. She recommended I see my regular doctor and ask her about it. Telling my doctor that I was in counseling and my therapist felt it might help with my anxiety and depression.

At our first session, we had talked about the possibility of me having depression.  I told her all these things I'd been feeling and she asked me questions. It was at that first session that she pretty much confirmed that I did have depression. Then at our next session, we talked some more and I'm pretty sure some of the things I told her just added to her confirmation. 

It was at our session this week that she recommended I try medicine. So my doctor prescribed some medicine for me.

My therapist also suggested I try drinking some calming hot teas to help me with my anxiety. So I'm also doing that to help.

I'm now on medicine and of course it's going to take some time to kick in. However, I do feel a little bit different right now. Maybe it's already working a little bit? Possibly?

Anyways, it probably doesn't help that right now, I'm on a few other medicines as I currently have a sinus infection and am taking medicine for that.

I just hope this medicine will help. It's not that I'm against taking medicine for my mental health issues, I just didn't think I was that bad to where I needed medicine.

However, if my therapist thinks it'll help then I'll take it. I feel she has my health and best interests in mind. I trust her. She knows that people don't like the idea of medicine and I know she wouldn't suggest it if she honestly didn't think it would help me.

Another thing she told me was that sometimes just counseling doesn't always work. Sometimes people need more help and that's where medication comes in. She doesn't suggest it for everyone but just for some people.

Considering how long I've been in therapy, despite it being off and on and with different therapists,  it does seem like I need something more than just counseling.  Things have improved since I first started going to counseling but not much.

Obviously my mental health issues are not getting better with just counseling. There's something more to them. My mental health issues are more complex than I realized.

I certainly need something though and if medicine is going to help, then I'm ok with it. Not that it makes it any easier knowing that to feel at ease taking it.

I mean, I take another medicine to help with another medical issue but this is different. Sorta. It's supposed to help me with my anxiety and I'm a bit anxious about taking it.  I guess it's just because it's new and I guess for what's it for.

Perhaps it's something to do with the stigma of the whole idea of taking medicine for mental health. I don't know if that has anything to do with some anxiety I have about taking it.

Whatever the reason though, I'm still going to take the medicine and hopefully it's going to help.  I need something to help me that's for sure. Counseling itself can only help so much.

 

A letter

Dear Friend,

I’m writing this letter because I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where else to turn to. I just could really use some advice right now; some help making decisions. Some counsel.

I am struggling with many things at the moment. Mostly, I’m struggling to find a job. I want to find a job and soon. But at the same time, I worry about finding a job. My anxiety over the fact that I’m not ready or will be good enough is holding me back some.

I’ve applied for at least 7 positions at this point. Out of those 7 applications, I’ve only been selected for 1 interview. It’s been over 2 weeks now and I haven’t heard anything back saying if I got the job or not. However, I’m assuming that I didn’t.

I’ve only heard back from 2 other positions saying that I didn’t make it past the application point. One was a part-time job position that I didn’t really want in the first place and the other was one that while I wanted, I had put in for a while back ago and had already assumed that I hadn’t gotten it since I’d heard nothing.

Frankly at this point, I’m tired. I’m getting more and more discouraged. I’m losing motivation. Honestly I didn’t have much motivation to begin with due to my anxiety but the more rejection I hear, the more I’m losing the motivation to keep looking. I’m tired of doing all this work for what seems like nothing.

I’m also just tired of all the waiting. Waiting for new positions to open up, waiting to hear if I’ll get called for an interview, and waiting to hear if I’ll get the job.

It’s really hard not to get discouraged. I want to find something and soon for many reasons. For one, I’m moving back home with my parents until I find something.  That’s already been decided.  I can’t financially stay in Denton anymore even though part of me would like to. I’m not working and haven’t found a job yet.

I haven’t exactly been looking either but also I’ve been home since the holidays which have made it nearly impossible to even look for a part-time or temporary job in Denton so that I can stay. So  I’m moving back home. There’s no other option for me.

I’m really reluctant to move home though. Already the questions about jobs and applying have begun from my parents and it’s getting very annoying.  I love my parents and everything but I’ve also gotten to the point where I realize I need to live my own life.  Honestly, I miss that about living in Denton. I miss being able to do my own thing and living my own life.

Sure it’s lonely sometimes. Sure sometimes I feel homesick. It’s true that I call my mom on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a day. But still, I miss being on my own.  I miss my own apartment and my own life.

I want to get that back and soon. I don’t want to stay here in my hometown any longer than necessary. There’s nothing much here for me which is one of the reasons I left. I knew I had to get away if I wanted to achieve my goals in life. I couldn’t stay here.  I love coming back but I don’t want to live here that long if I can avoid it. The town hasn’t changed much since I graduated high school. It’s small and comforting but there’s really not much for me. Many of my friends that are still here, I feel like I barely know them anymore. I’ve seen more than they have. I’ve experienced what life is like outside of this small town.  Honestly, I don’t feel like I have much in common with them anymore. Really, I don’t exactly have “friends” here anymore. Not really.

 I want to get back to my own life. I want to get settled somewhere so that I can start getting my life back on track; start returning to normalcy. 

There’s another reason for finding a job and soon. I’m being pressured by my parents.  I know I need to find a job and believe me I’m trying. But it doesn’t seem like it’s happening fast enough for my parents. Then there’s the fact that they keep pressuring me to at least find something to do in the meantime.

This is hard for me because honestly, I don’t know what to find especially around here; in this small town.  I’ve said already how there isn’t much here and I meant it. There isn’t much to do around in and not much in terms of jobs.

Sure you’ve got your usual fast food places and restaurants but I really really don’t want to work in those places. I really don’t want to work in Walmart either. I’ve heard too many things about it. There isn’t a whole lot of other options for me.  There’s also the fact that I don’t even know what else I’d be good for. I’ve only ever worked in libraries before. I’ve considered places like bookstores or perhaps some sort of coffee shop or possible even a movie theater but there’s not exactly a lot of places like that here in Alamogordo. What else is there? What else could I do? What else would I enjoy doing?

My parents keep pressuring me to substitute in Elementary schools. But the thing is that I really don’t want to do that. I just don’t want to have anything to do with schools. Yes, I know I can chose the grade and turn down offers if I wanted to but I just really really don’t want to do it.  I’m done with teaching and schools and anything involving it. Frankly, the idea of substituting scares me. I don’t want to deal with the discipline problems I’m sure to run into. Then there’s the fact that sometimes you could become a long-term substitute and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be put in a position like that.

I think really I’m just afraid to go back into a classroom for any sort of teaching purposes. My student teaching taught me that I wasn’t really meant for a classroom. That, and the fact that I didn’t get into the Master’s program at Oklahoma State for not doing great in my Student Teaching which was apparently one of the requirements. Or at least that’s the reasoning they gave me for not getting accepted.

But my parents, they don’t get it. They don’t understand. To them, anything I can find to make money for the time being will do.  Even if it’s something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I’ll be miserable doing. They just want me to find something and soon. I can’t go without a job for much longer.

Just because I have my Elementary Education degree doesn’t mean I want to do anything with it anymore. I know that sounds horrible but what else do I say.  By the time I realized it wasn’t what I really wanted to do, it was far too late. I was already in my last semester of the program and it wasn’t a viable option. I was already so close to being finished.

Why I didn’t back out when I had the chance earlier? I’m not entirely sure. But my parent’s still seem to want me to do something with my degree. To them, they see my education degree and think I’d want to do something with it and I don’t.

It’s almost like I’m being forced into doing something that I don’t want to do.

Which is how I feel about another job position they are pressuring me to apply for here. Not only them but everyone else who knows me and knows I now have an MLS. 

There is a job position here in my hometown at our public library. It’s for a reference librarian. I don’t know how many times I’ve been approached by people informing me about this job position and encouraging me to apply for it.  The truth is that I just don’t want to apply for the job.  

There’s many reasons why I don’t. I’m afraid mostly.  I got my first job at the same library when I was 16. I was a Library Page for 2 ½ years before I moved away to attend college in Oklahoma. My supervisor was really tough on me for some reason. She expected a lot of me it seemed and when I didn’t measure up, I was reprimanded. A lot of pressure was on me to do well. Other staff saw how I struggled and tried to be as encouraging as possible.  I made some serious mistakes particularly whenever I worked the circulation desk, to the point that I started getting extremely nervous and almost paranoid. Which didn’t help matters any because then I’d make other mistakes. I usually learned from mistakes thought and tried really hard to pay closer attention. I was actually nervous to work the circulation desk especially when my supervisor was around.

It just wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Even now, my supervisor makes me nervous despite the fact that I’m not working there anymore.  That I think is the reason I’m afraid to go back. She’s still working there. Even though she wouldn’t exactly be in charge of me as a Reference Librarian, still the fact that I’d be working with her again doesn’t exactly thrill me.

It’s not that I wouldn’t get the job position if I applied. I have a really good shot as it is: the fact that I’ve worked at this library before, the fact that I already know the staff, and the fact that many people know me in this town that have connections. I’m almost guaranteed the job it seems. I’d have a great shot at getting hired. But therein lies my other problem, a lot is already expected of me.  People already have high expectations of me and I’m afraid to let them down.  This is more of a personal struggle though. It’s more of me being afraid to let people down.

Honestly it’s a position that I’m not exactly interested in either. But I keep being pressured by people to apply for it. Apply so I can at least get interview practice; I can always turn the job down. I don’t have to stay here forever but at least I’d start getting experience which I need. It’s a job. It’s a start; an in. All these reasoning’s are good and everything but it still doesn’t motivate me any more to apply for the job.  I still am extremely hesitant to apply. 
Also I'm being told to apply for anything I can even if I don't quite meet the qualifications but I don't see the point. If I don't meet some of the qualifications why should I try to apply when my application is likely to be rejected right away? 

A reference librarian would be a good start but I’m not sure about it either. I worry about being good enough at the position. Right I’m focusing on applying for Children’s and Youth Librarian positions because that’s really what I want to do. That’s what I focused on in grad school. That’s what I feel like I’m good enough at doing; what I’d feel most comfortable doing. But the problem is that there haven’t been a whole lot of positions opening for such librarians. I’ve applied for all the ones I feel like I’ve qualified for but still. I realize that I’m going to have to expand my search but I don’t know what else to apply for. I don’t know what else I’d feel comfortable applying for. What else I’d qualify for, because honestly I don’t feel qualified in many other areas. 

During my grad classes, I took mostly youth librarianship courses. I took a few other courses too. I took one Academic Libraries courses as well as a course in Cataloging. I did well in both courses and passed both classes with an “A”. I also took a School Librarianship course but did miserable at it. I really struggled with it and ended up with a “C”. That ended my idea of becoming a school librarian and quickly. I’m not pursuing that job route anytime soon.  But one class in cataloging and one in Academic Libraries doesn’t seem to qualify me to work in those type of job positions; At least not in my opinion. So then what do I do?

I need to know what else to apply for. I need more ideas. It’s been suggested to me by some libraries that I apply for reference librarian positions, public service librarians, or even adult services librarians;.  They suggest that I could use my knowledge of designing youth programming and use that knowledge to help develop adult programs. But how do I begin applying for such positions when my true love and desire lies in working with youth services?  How do I change my thinking to make it sound like I really want to work for adult services when in my heart, I’d rather work with youth? How do I learn to feel comfortable working with adults when I’m much more comfortable communicating with children?

I know I just need an in. I need to get into a library and start from somewhere. I need to get the experience. I don’t have to give up looking for my dream position but I need to at least get started.  But how I go about doing that, I don’t know. I just want to be happy with what I end up doing since I’m sure I’ll be in the position for a while.  

I’m so lost and confused. I need advice. I’m tired of all the uncertainty of my future. I’m tired of being pressured. I just need help. I need a friend who I can lean on right now. Someone who can help me sort through all this mess and comfort me.

Which is why I wrote you this letter, whoever you are, I really need you now.  I need someone who understands.

Please help.

Sincerely,

Ronda

Afraid

In which I talk about a lot of things and you thought things were random before...

I'm afraid.
That's really it.
I'm afraid.
Sometimes I'm not even sure exactly what I'm afraid of.
I guess I'm afraid of a lot of things and that's what's causing my anxiety and uncertainty.
I'm afraid of not being good enough in my job.
I'm afraid of not finding the right job.
I'm afraid that I'm not prepared enough; not ready.
I'm afraid that I'm making a mistake going into this career choice.
What if this isn't really what I'm supposed to be doing in life?
What if I just settled for something instead of really going for what I enjoy?
Is this really what I want to be doing?
I feel like I'll be happy with it but at the same time I'm not sure.
I don't know if I've made the right decision.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good enough.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to do this.
I know I'll make mistakes.
I know I'm not perfect.
Yet it still scares me.
I'm afraid of failing.
Of letting people down.
I'm afraid of not being happy with what I've decided to do.
I'm afraid of realizing that it's not what I want to do and regretting my decision.
I'm just afraid.

I don't really know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm so worried about exactly. I don't think I really even know.  Every time I try to figure it out, it doesn't make a lot of sense and I just get more anxious and depressed.

I've mentioned here already that I've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty lately. It hasn't gotten any better in the 2 weeks since my therapy sessions ended. In fact, it's almost as though things have gotten worse.

The uncertainty has increased. The same basic fears I was dealing with in therapy this semester have returned a bit. I'm feeling more anxiety; more depressed lately. I haven't been happy lately. I have moments where I just suddenly break down in tears for no apparent reason. I don't really understand what's going on with me. I'm starting to feel like perhaps there's something really wrong with me. I don't know what's going on in my mind. Nothing seems to make much sense anymore.

It's gotten to the point that I feel like I can't really talk to anyone in my family anymore. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to them. I feel like being silent. I don't feel like talking. It's not that I don't trust them. It's more like I feel like I can't explain what's going on because I don't really understand it myself. I also don't feel as though they just don't understand. They wouldn't understand. To them, I don't think it would make sense. They wouldn't understand the depth of my problems.  Then there are things that I just simply can't tell them. I just can't. I'd like to but just can't for some reason.

Adding to my anxiety and uncertainty is the fact that I don't really want to move back home but at the same time I know I financially can't stay in Denton anymore.

 The idea of having to find a job in the meantime while looking for a full time job also frightens me. It's not so much that I don't want to find one it's just that I don't exactly know where to look. I've mentioned that I'm a bit picky when it comes to jobs. I realize this is probably makes things even more difficult. But I just am picky. There's just certain jobs that I'm not interested in doing. Yet people can't understand that and really neither can I.  Most people would be willing to take a job just so they can make money to pay for things. I'm a bit more selective for some reason. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's partly because of my personality? I don't even know.

I don't want to work in a fast food restaurant or even a restaurant. Why? I don't know. So then where does that leave me? Not many other options. I honestly don't even know where I'd want to work. Even if it's just temporary. I have very few ideas.

It's been brought up several times that I should consider substituting in Elementary schools. I honestly just don't want to. I feel very strongly about this. I don't want to at all. In fact, to be honest, I'd rather forget that part of my educational career. Why? Because it makes me feel as though it was a waste of my time. It wasn't what I wanted but by the time I realized it, it was far too late.

Student teaching just really turned me off of ever being a teacher. I  strongly believe this. I honestly feel that it was partly because of my experience. I just didn't have the greatest experience. I feel like it was the school that I chose. From the beginning, when I told classmates where my student teaching would be, I'd get a less than enthusiastic response. I was told the students were rough being in a rural distract. It just didn't make me feel very positive going into the experience. With all the difficulties I had and the fact that I actually had a bit of a breakdown during the experience while teaching, it just made me realize how big of a mistake I was making. Perhaps if I had chosen a different school somewhere else, then maybe I would've had a better experience.

Then again, I remember going into the Elementary Education program, never really wanting to be a teacher. At least not in the classroom. I went into the program with the end result of wanting to be a school librarian. At least that was my plan. In order to get into the grad program at OSU, I had to go into Education of some type. Either Early Childhood or Elementary Education were my options. I went with Elementary Education because I enjoyed working more with that age range of children.

I remember my first couple of Elementary Education classes. How when I told everyone my plans, they would look at me a bit strangely. They didn't see the connection between me being a school librarian and taking Elementary Education classes to become a teacher.  At least not at first. But as my degreemates and I continued through our classes, they eventually came to understand. Somewhat. They knew by the end of our program that I was never intending to be a teacher but instead a school librarian.

I'm still not entirely sure why I thought school librarian or why I went into Elementary Education. I'm still not sure exactly what I was thinking. I never really wanted to be a teacher and that much I knew. I don't know really. I guess part of me figured I'd learn to love it. I guess part of me thought I'd come to love teaching. But I was wrong.I should have backed out. I should have switched majors. But I didn't. I should have backed out after my first field experience. That didn't go very well. My first experience I got stuck with 1st grade. My field experience as part of my literature class, I got stuck with Kindergarten. Both experiences weren't the greatest. I had already known I didn't really want to work with the youngest grades but I got stuck with two experiences in them. Neither of them went that well. They weren't horrible exactly but I just remember feeling a bit out of my element. I was so uncomfortable. Again, why didn't I back out when I had the chance?

None of my experiences were all that great and really I guess that's really why I don't want to teach even if it is just to substitute. I'm frankly terrified of being in a classroom again. Too many bad experiences. I can't handle the discipline. I'm guess I'm afraid of being haunted by all my bad experiences during my Elementary Education classes. I'm afraid of not being able to handle the children even if just for a day. Plus I guess I'm also a bit afraid of the whole substitute thing. I mean, I remember having substitutes. Some were nice and others not so much. But I also remember that sometimes we weren't always nice to them either. I guess I'm concerned about that. I'm afraid of the children picking up on my lack of confidence and taking advantage of me.

I really don't have a lot of options as far as temporary jobs are concerned. I'm not even sure what to look for as far as temporary jobs and I'm supposed to come up with a list of at least 5 possibilities. 5 possibilities here in my small hometown that doesn't have a lot of choices.

I don't even know what I want to look for in a job. All I know is what I don't want. I don't want restaurants or fast food and I don't want to substitute.I also don't want to work at Walmart which is really one of the only other options here. So what else is there? Not much here in my hometown.

Well, there are some things I've considered. I've thought about perhaps working in a bookstore of some type. I mean, I love books enough. It might be kinda fun to work in a bookstore of some type. Plus it wouldn't be much different than working in a library. Well, not exactly I feel.

I've considered working in a movie theater or perhaps even a coffee shop. As far as jobs besides working as a children's librarian, I think working in a hands-on science museum or children's museum might be fun.

But other than that, I really don't know what I should do; where I should focus.  I've only ever worked in libraries before. I don't really know anything else. I don't know exactly what I'd be suited for.

As it is, I'm a bit afraid of people. I realize this is probably strange coming from someone whose job is going to be working with the public.  I'm a shy sort of person. I need more experience working with the public but honestly the thought frightens me. 

Right now I'm focusing on youth services librarian jobs but if I don't find get a job like that, I'll have to change focus which also frightens me.

I realize the point is that I need to get my foot in the door somehow and at some sort of library. Once I do that I can move up if possible but even knowing that it still  makes me nervous.  I've been asked by family members on other possible library jobs I could focus on but so far, I haven't had many answers.

I have taken other courses throughout my Master's program but I don't feel strongly enough about the skills I supposedly learn to take a job in those areas. For instance, I know how to build databases from scratch basically but I don't exactly want to take a job position like that.  I also took a course on Cataloging and another in Academic Libraries. I even took a School Library course. However, I don't feel like I'm comfortable enough in those areas to focus on job positions in those areas.

I guess I could go for a librarian at a public library; one that works with adult services but for some reason even that doesn't comfort me exactly. I feel like I was trained well in one area and one area only and that was youth services. That was my focus. That's where I feel I have the most knowledge and feel the most comfortable with.

But I realize I might not find a Youth Services Librarian position right away which means I have to try elsewhere in a library. Another job position that while not exactly what I want will at least get me experience. Get me into a library. 

But what types of positions do I focus on and how do I overcome the fear that I seem to have of not being qualified enough? How do I get past the disappointment over it not being my ideal job position? How do I learn to be ok with it?

I guess the whole thing is that I want to enjoy what I'm doing in life. I want to be happy with what I'm doing and if I can't be happy, I don't really see the point of it.

The whole thing is that I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of a lot of things. Some things even I'm not sure what I'm afraid of exactly.

I'm afraid and I'm lost. I don't know when exactly I became so afraid.
I've never exactly been a very confident person to begin with but now I don't feel very confident at all.  I'm more afraid. I'm more anxious.  I'm afraid of what's next. I'm afraid of moving on. I'm afraid to become a working adult even though this is what I've worked fro for so long. I'm afraid that maybe I'm making a mistake; that maybe this isn't really what I'll be happy doing.

I'm just so afraid and I don't know how to get past it.

Pressure

That's the best word to sum up about what seems to be half of my problems lately.

Just way too much pressure on me right now. People putting too much pressure on me and really I guess me putting a bit of pressure on myself.

I don't get it though. I'm no longer have school or classes to worry about.  Graduation is over. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel all this pressure. Then again, maybe I should.

It's two days until Christmas and I'm home with my entire family. Nothing should be bothering me. I should be feeling happy and festive but I don't exactly. I feel a bit like this song "Where are you Christmas"? by Faith Hill currently applies. I don't exactly feel as Christmasy as I usually would. Still though, I should be fine. I should be happy and relaxed.

Yet for some reason, I'm still having feelings of anxiety. I'm still occasionally feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears over nothing.

Basically I'm experiencing some of the same fears I was back in Denton. I'm once again, dealing with some of the same fears I was confronting back in therapy. Of course being that I've been going on 2 weeks without therapy, I guess that would make sense.

I just mean that without having someone to talk about such issues with on a weekly basis will be difficult for the time being until I manage to find another therapist.

I know I need to and I want to. My therapist told me I should continue. My friend from Denton, when I talked to her last week, told me that I should continue.  Even when I had a bit of a breakdown last night, my sister-in-law asked if I'd talked to someone about my feelings of anxiety.

Basically, people can tell I need to continue with therapy/counseling. They seem to realize that it's something that I really need right now.

But I don't know right now. I know I NEED to continue. That's really not the problem. The problem is that right now is just so uncertain (which is also part of my problems) with what's going to happen in the near future.With me not sure where I will eventually end up in terms of a job. I'm not sure how soon I'll even be able to find a job. 

I don't really know if it'll even be worth it finding a therapist right now or waiting until I eventually get settled somewhere. I technically don't have one anymore. I mean, unless I somehow end up be able to stay in Denton for a little while longer but even that is uncertain how long I'd stay there.

I had one here that I saw for a few sessions back in January before I went back to Denton. However, I'm not sure if I really liked her. She was helpful but comparing her to the therapists I've had back in Denton, I didn't like her nearly as much. I don't really feel like I'd want to go back to here. Which means, I don't have much other options here in a small town. Really there's not a lot of option back here in my hometown. Not for any good therapists.

There's also the issue of having to start over not just once but twice. If I did find someone here, I'd have to explain everything again and then I may not be here long enough before moving and having to start over yet again. I just don't know if I'd be able to handle that. I don't want to have to do that. Which is why I'm thinking I'd rather wait for now. Just for some time.

I know it's not the best thing and that I really should be actively seeking for someone. Especially with everything going on lately and with how I've been feeling. However, at least for now this seems like the best option. Especially considering all my files from the clinics that would need to be sent. This would just be one more that I'd have to add to my list.

Ok, so I've spent most of blog post talking about things I've already talked about before. Things that really are only parts of what I really wanted to discuss and not actually what I wanted to discuss.

Ever since I got home, people have been congratulating me on my Master's degree and asking me if I've found a job yet. I am proud of what I've accomplished. I am. But at the same time all these people being proud of me, makes me feel a bit pressured. Like they expect me to do great things with my Master's degree.

Then there's the fact that all these people are talking to me about jobs. I'm tired of hearing about this. Hearing about how I should be keeping my options open more. How I should consider possibly putting my Elementary Education degree to use. Teaching in a school in the meantime while looking at library positions. That I shouldn't focus so much on a public library and youth services.  That I'm basically limiting my possible job options.

It's all just too much for me. Too much for me to handle. Too much pressure!
I'm tired of people congratulating me because it feels as though they expect me to do great things with my new degree. I'm glad they are proud of me and everything but now it feels that I have expectations to live up to.

Which is one reason I'm not intending on applying for the Reference Librarian position that is available here at my hometown public library.  First of all, I don't really want the position in the first place. Second, I've already worked for the city once before and it's not exactly ideal. Not here at least.  But mainly, I don't want to apply for a postion in a place where I'm already known by the staff.

Sure that might seem like a good thing but I don't see it as being very positive. I see it being more of a detriment.   Sure I might have a good shot of landing the position should I apply but it would be adding pressure to me. I worked there once before. The staff know me and many know my work ethic. I was a hard worker but I admit I make some mistakes and some were pretty major. I also wasn't the best worker or at least I wouldn't claim that. I slacked off at times.  I'd be going in with high expectations from people already and having to try and live up to that would just be too much for me to handle.

I'd feel like I'd have to be "perfect" and be afraid to fail. Even though I would be new at this type of position and they'd know I wouldn't be perfect. I'd be afraid to let them down. Just because they knew me already, I'd feel like the expectations would be different.

I'd rather start fresh somewhere. Where hardly anyone knew me or my work ethic. Not that I'm a bad worker or anything. Still though, I just feel like it would be easier to start somewhere where I wasn't already known for that long. 

If any of that makes sense.

It's just the pressure that's been getting to me lately. That and my fear of not being able to find the right job and essentially "growing up".  Not to mention my "perfectionist" nature. There's just a lot going on with me. A lot of fears and anxiety for me to handle. Yet somehow, I'm trying to handle it.

I know everything will work out in the end. I still don't see how though but I have to trust that it will.

Still though, I wish I didn't have all this pressure to deal with. 

My mental health

I've told you all that I'm in therapy. I've told you why I'm in therapy. I've told you the full story of one of the reasons why. I've told you about my first sessions and pretty much about all if that since. I've covered almost everything I think I can say about therapy and related topics at this point and yet I still find things to talk about regarding counseling and therapy.  Then there's the fact that each week I go in for a session and it brings up some more thoughts. Some more things to consider.

However, I'm not sure if I've ever specifically talked about my mental health in general here. I know I've mentioned it on my Writing Tumblr (which by the way if any of my readers here are on Tumblr as well and what to read more of my writing you can follow me here: http://aformofexpression.tumblr.com )

Forgive me if I've already talked about this on here already. With the increasing number of posts, I don't have a lot of time to go back and read to see what's already been covered and what hasn't.

Lately I've been thinking about my mental health in general. I've admitted that I've had mental health problems to people or at least I admit that I'm in therapy for mental health issues. I'm not ashamed of this.  By admitting that I'm in therapy, I'm admitting that I'm having problems with my mental health and that I know I need help. That I'm doing the responsible thing by seeking help. That I'm concerned for myself and my own well-being

No one told me to seek therapy. I made the decision on my own. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own.

In a questionnaire survey for my chiropractor, they asked questions regarding mental health and I answered them as honestly as I could. To me, it almost makes it seem as though answering the questions the way I did makes me seems as though I'm someone who has some serious issues regarding mental health.

At this point, when it comes to people asking about or wondering about if I have any mental health issues, I admit it. It's weird because I've never really thought about me having to admit it before. I've never really though of myself as being someone that would have mental health problems.

Yet, I still tend to admit it even though I don't really feel like I really have mental health issue. Well not really any serious mental health issues that would interfere with me being able to perform certain tasks or anything like that. I feel as though my mental health issues aren't even things that really interfere with my normal life. I feel as though I can mostly lead a normal life; function quite normally.

I have struggles and yes, there are some things that trigger some of my problems but really, I'm able to function despite everything. My mental health issues, in my opinon, aren't that serious.

I want to be honest with people though. I want them to know that I'm struggling with some mental health issues but at the same time, I don't want people to take it to the extreme. Yes, I am struggling with things but I'm still doing fine. In other words, if you were to just look at me, you couldn't tell that I was struggling. I don't show it or at least I try not to show it.

Lately too, when people talk about struggling with mental health issues like anxiety and depression, I feel as though I can relate to them. Posts that ask you to reblog or share if you have depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, etc. or any mental health issue,  I feel as though I have to reblog. I feel like I relate to these posts.

I've already admitted to have social anxiety. I've struggled with other problems yet not enough to really be diagnosed with them. Yet, I do have mental health problems even if they aren't that severe. After all, I'm in therapy for a reason.

Basically my mental health isn't all that great. It's not a severe as other people, in fact in comparison, I'd say it was fairly tame. But it's still at a point where it would do me more harm if I wasn't in therapy. My mental health is at a fragile point that who knows where I'd be right now if I hadn't sought therapy. 

I feel as though my mental health is in the middle. It's not severe yet at the same time, it's not all that simple.

Let me put it this way: I've been in therapy at the Psychology Clinic for over a year now. Recently my therapist asked me if I was planning on continuing therapy when I moved back home. If she didn't think I'd be ok without therapy or didn't need it anymore, I don't think she would have asked.  She obviously thinks I'd do better to continue therapy; that I need to continue.

However at the same time, my problems aren't that fragile or that high-priority that my last therapist couldn't give me up as a client. She had to make choices and I'm sure while it wasn't easy to let my case go she had other clients that were at a point where it would have done more harm to have them switch therapists. Perhaps she felt that I was someone who could adjust to the switch without too many problems. Maybe she might even have had a part in recommending who to take on my case when she couldn't this semester.

My mental health issues are real. Completely real. I can't just "get over them". These are things that aren't all that simple to fix. Obviously my problems are more complex since I'm still in therapy even after all this time. My problems weren't something that could be fixed with short-term counseling since they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. Instead of only taking a semester it's taken me over a year and longer. 

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

This is all happening in my head and yes, it is real. What's inside my head is completely real.