"Perfect" addendem

Sometimes when I feel like I can't find any other answer to explain some of my problems, I can't help but come back to my personality type and it just being part of being an "INFJ". Not because it's the "easy" answer but because I've pretty much exhausted all other ideas and this is really the only thing I have left.

I'm talking about my personality type a lot lately and I realize this but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm trying to understand how my problems could be part of this personality. Not trying to use it as an excuse but more as a way to understand where some of my problems could be coming from.

I'm wondering if this whole perfectionism is just part of my personality at this point. It's just me. It's part of who I am.

I'm still thinking about the whole  "perfect" thing that was mentioned to me in my session yesterday. I know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist but I don't know where this idea of "perfection" came from.

I know it's this perfectionist nature causing me a lot of unnecessary stress. It's the reason for a lot of my problems. I want to be "perfect" so I try really really hard at things and as a result makes it harder when I fail.

 I'm sure it's also because of this "perfectionist" nature that I tend to procrastinate a lot of times. I've dealt with procrastination issues for a lot time and I'm sure this is one reason why.

I recently found something I wrote in my Introductory Psychology class that I took at my community college back in Spring 2007: "People procrastinate because they have a low tolerance of frustration or because they feel anxious and fear failure."

This explains my struggles so exactly.  I put off doing something because I don't feel like I can do a good job and so I would rather not do it.  Especially if it's something I don't quite understand.

Which goes back to being a perfectionist. If it's not going to be "perfect" in my opinion, why should I do it?

I set high standards for myself and when I fail to meet such standards, I'm really hard on myself.
Many times I've had to settle for turning in work that was, in my opinion, less than quality; wasn't good enough.  I always feel miserable when I do this.  Yet, many times my work comes back with a fairly decent grade.

It bothers me because I feel like I could have done better and then I blame myself for not taking more time to work on it; starting earlier instead of waiting until almost the last minute.

I'm working on trying to be more accepting that my work isn't going to be "perfect" all the time. It will probably never be "perfect". It's a struggle but I am trying to work on it. I'm at least starting to recognize when I'm doing it; trying to make something "perfect" and causing myself stress.

The thing is though, my "perfectionist" nature isn't in everything I do. As a child I never really tried to be "perfect" as far as my grades were concerned. At least, I didn't seem to. Sure I would work really hard but I was ok with getting a "B" in a class on my report card. I didn't get "A"s all the time and I still seemed ok with it. I was still happy with my grade.  Even on my assignments, I would usually get A's or B's and be happy.

If I got anything lower, then yeah, most often times I wasn't happy.  But still I did well enough in school that the only times I got anything less than a "B" were on my class assignments and I was usually ok with that. 

By the time I got to high school though, things started getting a bit difficult. I took some AP courses and struggled with both of them. My first AP course was European history. I'd already had struggled with history courses before so I don't really know why I decided to go for an AP course but I did. I struggled a lot in that class especially when it came to the exams.  After the first semester, I had a B.  I just knew if I stayed in the course though chances are my grade would drop even more and I'd fail it. I didn't want that so I switched to regular World History instead. Now looking  back on this, I guess it was that "perfectionist" nature of mine; the fact that I didn't want to fail that made me switch.

My first real, "C" grade came in college during my senior year of High School. I was a dual-credit student which meant that I took college credit classes as a high schooler and received credit for both high school and college. Which meant that by the time I started at the college as a full-time freshmen student, I already had about a semester's worth of credits already.

My first "C" was in yet another European history course. This was my first "C" in college and I remember feeling pretty horrible about it for awhile. I struggled in the course and I knew it. I didn't want a "C" but that's what the grade ended up being. This was the first of several C's in my college career. I hated getting C's but eventually I was content to just even pass the course. I struggled in the courses where I ended up with C's. It got to a point that if I was just glad to have passed the course.I still wasn't pleased with the grade but I guess I learned to just be ok with it.

Even when I got into grad school, I hated the thought of getting a "C" and I knew I couldn't. I had to get a "B" or better or otherwise the course wouldn't count credit.  This really wasn't a big problem for me to get at least a "B"but that was until my School Librarianship course happened. Up until that course, I'd had a 4.0 GPA. I'd gotten A's in all my courses. My School Librarianship course really pushed me. I really struggled with the assignments. I was hoping I would end up getting a "B" but even that seemed like a far fetched idea and by the end of the semester, I already has resigned myself to a "C" grade.

I'm still not happy about this. I feel like I should have just withdrawn from the course and I got really close to doing it. It got to that point. But again, I didn't and just suffered through it. My GPA suffered from this course and even taking this extra course this semester and most likely passing it with an A will not be enough to make up and bring back my 4.0.

Thinking about it, the fact that the SCC used the term in describing some of my problems, makes a lot of sense. I've struggled with being perfect for a long time and still struggle with it. 

It can be a blessing and a curse but for me, it's mostly a curse.
Right now my perfectionist nature is more noticeable to me because I'm a college student but I know it's going to continue being a problem for me in my career and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it.

To be ok with not always being "perfect".

Perfect

One word. So simple and yet so powerful. Perfect.

A word that comes up with me far too often it seems. A word that the Student Counseling Center used in a description about me and some of my problems; the fact that I seem to struggle with trying to be “perfect” . This is some of the information that was sent over to the Psychology Clinic. Information that I was asked about at one point in today’s therapy session.

We certainly discussed a lot today. A lot things were covered. Thankfully we covered everything that was on my mind this week. Everything that I at least wanted to mention to her before our sessions end. I also made her a little emotional again this week. Not full on emotional break down like I have but I could see on her face, that she could feel my pain; that she could feel how hard things were for me emotionally. 

My therapist mentioned that she had received some information from the SCC. I explained to her that I'd had them send the information to the Clinic so that when I found another therapist they could then forward all the information from the Clinic.

She then mentioned something about how in the information sent over, it mentioned something about "perfect" and she wanted to know a bit more about it.

I am a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve admitted it so many times. But the question is why?
Why do I try so hard to be perfect? Why do any of us try to be perfect?

I know it’s an unattainable goal. I know this deep inside myself. And still I try to be “perfect”
I don’t know why this is. I know nobody’s perfect. I know no matter how hard I try at things, I’m never going to be perfect. Nothing I do ever will be perfect.

So why then do I keep striving for perfection? Why do I not grasp the understanding that nothing is ever going to be perfect?

Why do I continue chasing something that never will be? That doesn’t exist? Never will exist?
Why do I push myself so hard to be “perfect” in my assignments?

At least I’ve started recognizing this about myself. I’m realizing that I’m causing myself unnecessary stress by trying to be perfect at everything I do. Still though it doesn’t make it any easier . It doesn’t stop me from still trying.

I know I'm not perfect. Or at least I know that deep inside me.

But I've starting to realize this somewhat and I'm trying really hard to stop this thinking of me always having to be perfect.

That's where the progress came in on Sunday. I recognized that I causing myself unnecessary stress because I was trying to be perfect. I was overthinking the assignment; trying to make it perfect.

I have other things that I'm supposed to be reflecting on this week but I can't stop thinking about the whole "perfect" thing now.  Just hearing that it's what the Counseling Center thought one of my problems was and they're the ones who identified it. 

I know I struggle with this. The idea of "perfection" but hearing someone else confirm it is a bit overwhelming. Perhaps even a bit of relief. Yet it's something that I don't understand exactly. I mean, I know I struggle with it but don't understand my reasoning.  It's something that's now on my mind and will be something to mention at our last session next week.

That's the other thing. I started getting emotional when she mentioned forwarding the information from the clinic to my therapist in New Mexico if I found one.  I couldn't really describe it to her because honestly I didn't know what I was feeling. Now I realize what I'm feeling.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to move on. I'm afraid to start over. I'm afraid I won't find a therapist back home and that's how it's looking. I'm worried about how I'm going to be able to cope in the meantime. I plan to continue therapy but I'm not sure I'll be able to find someone until I find where I end up.

I'm not trying to make it sound as though I'm using therapy as a crutch. I'm sure I'll be able to cope without it for a while. However, I am concerned about losing a lot of the progress that has been made. I'm concerned that I could go backwards. That things could take a turn for the worse.

I guess yes, I'm afraid to go without therapy now. Because I don't really trust myself to cope with things on my own without it. 

One more thing, I'm supposed to reflect this week on other times where I blamed myself for things that were out of my control. The thing is that I realize that I blame myself a lot for things.I blame myself for people taking advantage of me too. But specifically blaming myself for something that was beyond my control? Except for the Incident with  my neighbor, I can't really think about another time.

Next week is our last session of the semester.  Actually my last session for who knows how long. Next week we'll be wrapping things up. Hopefully she'll be giving me coping techniques or things I can do to help me while I'm between therapists.

I feel like next week will be a lot better in terms emotionally. This week, I just felt so emotionally worked up and I told her. I think it's just all the stress I'm dealing with specifically in regards to my final project. Actually I just think it's stress in general. But after this week, I won't feel stressed so much so I feel as things will be a bit better for me emotionally.

I feel as though I'll be calmer next week. Or hopefully I'll be.

There's one thing left I want to mention to her though. A quote that I want to leave with her and that I'm going to end this blog post with. A quote that I feel defines much of my life situation currently:

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself together as it does to fall apart"-Finnick Odair.
Mockingjay; The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins