One word. So simple and yet so powerful. Perfect.
A word that comes up with me far too often it seems. A word that the
Student Counseling Center used in a description about me and some of my
problems; the fact that I seem to struggle with trying to be “perfect” .
This is some of the information that was sent over to the Psychology
Clinic. Information that I was asked about at one point in today’s therapy session.
We certainly discussed a lot today. A lot things were covered. Thankfully we covered everything that was on my mind this week. Everything that I at least wanted to mention to her before our sessions end. I also made her a little emotional again this week. Not full on emotional break down like I have but I could see on her face, that she could feel my pain; that she could feel how hard things were for me emotionally.
My therapist mentioned that she had received some information from the SCC. I explained to her that I'd had them send the information to the Clinic so that when I found another therapist they could then forward all the information from the Clinic.
She then mentioned something about how in the information sent over, it mentioned something about "perfect" and she wanted to know a bit more about it.
I am a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve admitted it so many times. But the question is why?
Why do I try so hard to be perfect? Why do any of us try to be perfect?
I know it’s an unattainable goal. I know this deep inside myself. And still I try to be “perfect”
I don’t know why this is. I know nobody’s perfect. I know no matter
how hard I try at things, I’m never going to be perfect. Nothing I do
ever will be perfect.
So why then do I keep striving for perfection? Why do I not grasp the understanding that nothing is ever going to be perfect?
Why do I continue chasing something that never will be? That doesn’t exist? Never will exist?
Why do I push myself so hard to be “perfect” in my assignments?
At least I’ve started recognizing this about myself. I’m realizing
that I’m causing myself unnecessary stress by trying to be perfect at
everything I do. Still though it doesn’t make it any easier . It
doesn’t stop me from still trying.
I know I'm not perfect. Or at least I know that deep inside me.
But I've starting to realize this somewhat and I'm trying really hard to stop this thinking of me always having to be perfect.
That's where the progress came in on Sunday. I recognized that I causing myself unnecessary stress because I was trying to be perfect. I was overthinking the assignment; trying to make it perfect.
I have other things that I'm supposed to be reflecting on this week but I can't stop thinking about the whole "perfect" thing now. Just hearing that it's what the Counseling Center thought one of my problems was and they're the ones who identified it.
I know I struggle with this. The idea of "perfection" but hearing someone else confirm it is a bit overwhelming. Perhaps even a bit of relief. Yet it's something that I don't understand exactly. I mean, I know I struggle with it but don't understand my reasoning. It's something that's now on my mind and will be something to mention at our last session next week.
That's the other thing. I started getting emotional when she mentioned forwarding the information from the clinic to my therapist in New Mexico if I found one. I couldn't really describe it to her because honestly I didn't know what I was feeling. Now I realize what I'm feeling.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to move on. I'm afraid to start over. I'm afraid I won't find a therapist back home and that's how it's looking. I'm worried about how I'm going to be able to cope in the meantime. I plan to continue therapy but I'm not sure I'll be able to find someone until I find where I end up.
I'm not trying to make it sound as though I'm using therapy as a crutch. I'm sure I'll be able to cope without it for a while. However, I am concerned about losing a lot of the progress that has been made. I'm concerned that I could go backwards. That things could take a turn for the worse.
I guess yes, I'm afraid to go without therapy now. Because I don't really trust myself to cope with things on my own without it.
One more thing, I'm supposed to reflect this week on other times where I blamed myself for things that were out of my control. The thing is that I realize that I blame myself a lot for things.I blame myself for people taking advantage of me too. But specifically blaming myself for something that was beyond my control? Except for the Incident with my neighbor, I can't really think about another time.
Next week is our last session of the semester. Actually my last session for who knows how long. Next week we'll be wrapping things up. Hopefully she'll be giving me coping techniques or things I can do to help me while I'm between therapists.
I feel like next week will be a lot better in terms emotionally. This week, I just felt so emotionally worked up and I told her. I think it's just all the stress I'm dealing with specifically in regards to my final project. Actually I just think it's stress in general. But after this week, I won't feel stressed so much so I feel as things will be a bit better for me emotionally.
I feel as though I'll be calmer next week. Or hopefully I'll be.
There's one thing left I want to mention to her though. A quote that I want to leave with her and that I'm going to end this blog post with. A quote that I feel defines much of my life situation currently:
"It takes ten times as long to put yourself together as it does to fall apart"-Finnick Odair.
Mockingjay; The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
First counseling session: thoughts
My previous post got me thinking about my very first counseling session at Oklahoma State. I didn't blog about it or even write about it as far as I can tell. I honestly thought I wrote about my first session somewhere but I can't find it if I did.
However, I did at least make note of when my first session was in a planner. I found the planner I kept during my Senior year as an Undergrad and sure enough, it was noted in my planner.
I said how it was a nervous breakdown that led me to seek counseling in the first place. I just had a breakdown after class one day and it was so bad that I started hyperventalating. I got light-headed and a little bit dizzy.
I honestly think it was the coursework that got to me. It was terrible. I was already warned something like this could happen. I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did. Soon after my own nervous breakdown I saw another of my classmates who looked like she'd had a nervous breakdown too.
It frightened me. It really did. I should have gone to the Counseling Center during my breakdown, I really should have but I didn't think about it until afterwards.
Still though it scared me and I was concerned that it could happen again. That it would only get worse as the semester went on. I didn't want it to happen again so I sought counseling. I knew it was probably the only way I'd make it through the rest of the semester. I knew I needed help and since I had no family around there to help me, this was the best option.
According to my planner. My first session took place at 1:00PM on Friday September 25, 2009. I'm pretty sure this was my intake session. I don't remember much except being extremely nervous. This was the first time I'd really ever sought counseling. It was scary for me but I also remember feeling a bit hopeful. I remember feeling like I could be helped.
I knew I had to do this though. I knew I needed help. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own. The nervous breakdown was proof of that.
I remember showing up early and filling out paperwork and then waiting. I remember a graduate student came and got me and took me back to a room where we sat in some computer-type chairs. I remember her asking me a bunch of questions and me answering them. I know she asked me "why I'd sought counseling" and telling her about my nervous breakdown. I remember getting very emotional and breaking down in tears telling her some information. She took a lot of notes and wrote a lot of information down on a notepad.
That's really all I can remember about the Intake session there at Oklahoma State. It was very similiar to the intake session here at the Psychology Clinic. Another grad student took me back to one of the rooms,asked me a bunch of questions which I answered, and took a lot of notes.
I remember the Counseling Center calling me later after the intake session and telling me the name of my counselor and setting up a time for me to begin my first session. I think my counselor's name was Chris and my sessions were on Fridays at 1PM. That was the only day I was free since the rest of the week, I was busy with my Elementary Education classes.
I don't remember much else about my sessions there other than I went almost every Friday until at least November 13, 2009. I was in counseling for about 7 out of my 12 session max.
I got emotional during my sessions then too so it's nothing new.
I know we talked about a lot of things both academic and non-academic. I'm certain that some of the same stuff discussed is being discussed again in my sessions. So basically many of my problems now, have been ongoing for quite some time.
I remember that my counselor got me back to a place where I'd at least be ok handling things on my own for awhile. I also remember being a bit nervous about leaving but they seemed to have done all they could do to help me for the time being. I know they asked me up front if I thought that I no longer needed them and I remember saying that I think I'd be ok to stop seeing them. I knew there were things we could still discuss but I remember feeling like I'd be ok to stop counseling for the time.
They did say that if I needed to come back, I could but I never did. I was somehow able to go without them. I'm not entirely sure how but I was. Things were certainly better after I started going to counseling although not perfect. Even after I stopped going, things were still a bit of a challenge but somehow I managed.
I thought perhaps I might go back during the Spring 2010 semester but I never did and quite honestly I didn't have the time with Student Teaching going on. I had some struggles then too but again, somehow I survived.
In fact it seems like I've managed to survive for so long. Even before I first sought counseling, I had struggles. Yet here I am still standing strong. Still fighting.
It makes me think of lyrics from the Elton John song "I'm still standing"
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Somehow I haven't given up and have continued to keep fighting despite everything. I mentioned how my therapist last semester said that I inspired her.I guess this is why. She was inspired by how even after everything I've been through, I'm still fighting.
She also mentioned during one of my sessions how through everything she can hear that I'm a fighter and that I haven't given up. Even when I've felt like giving up somehow I haven't. I'm still fighting.
I still have hope and I guess that's why I'm in therapy. Because I still have hope that things will get better for me.
However, I did at least make note of when my first session was in a planner. I found the planner I kept during my Senior year as an Undergrad and sure enough, it was noted in my planner.
I said how it was a nervous breakdown that led me to seek counseling in the first place. I just had a breakdown after class one day and it was so bad that I started hyperventalating. I got light-headed and a little bit dizzy.
I honestly think it was the coursework that got to me. It was terrible. I was already warned something like this could happen. I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did. Soon after my own nervous breakdown I saw another of my classmates who looked like she'd had a nervous breakdown too.
It frightened me. It really did. I should have gone to the Counseling Center during my breakdown, I really should have but I didn't think about it until afterwards.
Still though it scared me and I was concerned that it could happen again. That it would only get worse as the semester went on. I didn't want it to happen again so I sought counseling. I knew it was probably the only way I'd make it through the rest of the semester. I knew I needed help and since I had no family around there to help me, this was the best option.
According to my planner. My first session took place at 1:00PM on Friday September 25, 2009. I'm pretty sure this was my intake session. I don't remember much except being extremely nervous. This was the first time I'd really ever sought counseling. It was scary for me but I also remember feeling a bit hopeful. I remember feeling like I could be helped.
I knew I had to do this though. I knew I needed help. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own. The nervous breakdown was proof of that.
I remember showing up early and filling out paperwork and then waiting. I remember a graduate student came and got me and took me back to a room where we sat in some computer-type chairs. I remember her asking me a bunch of questions and me answering them. I know she asked me "why I'd sought counseling" and telling her about my nervous breakdown. I remember getting very emotional and breaking down in tears telling her some information. She took a lot of notes and wrote a lot of information down on a notepad.
That's really all I can remember about the Intake session there at Oklahoma State. It was very similiar to the intake session here at the Psychology Clinic. Another grad student took me back to one of the rooms,asked me a bunch of questions which I answered, and took a lot of notes.
I remember the Counseling Center calling me later after the intake session and telling me the name of my counselor and setting up a time for me to begin my first session. I think my counselor's name was Chris and my sessions were on Fridays at 1PM. That was the only day I was free since the rest of the week, I was busy with my Elementary Education classes.
I don't remember much else about my sessions there other than I went almost every Friday until at least November 13, 2009. I was in counseling for about 7 out of my 12 session max.
I got emotional during my sessions then too so it's nothing new.
I know we talked about a lot of things both academic and non-academic. I'm certain that some of the same stuff discussed is being discussed again in my sessions. So basically many of my problems now, have been ongoing for quite some time.
I remember that my counselor got me back to a place where I'd at least be ok handling things on my own for awhile. I also remember being a bit nervous about leaving but they seemed to have done all they could do to help me for the time being. I know they asked me up front if I thought that I no longer needed them and I remember saying that I think I'd be ok to stop seeing them. I knew there were things we could still discuss but I remember feeling like I'd be ok to stop counseling for the time.
They did say that if I needed to come back, I could but I never did. I was somehow able to go without them. I'm not entirely sure how but I was. Things were certainly better after I started going to counseling although not perfect. Even after I stopped going, things were still a bit of a challenge but somehow I managed.
I thought perhaps I might go back during the Spring 2010 semester but I never did and quite honestly I didn't have the time with Student Teaching going on. I had some struggles then too but again, somehow I survived.
In fact it seems like I've managed to survive for so long. Even before I first sought counseling, I had struggles. Yet here I am still standing strong. Still fighting.
It makes me think of lyrics from the Elton John song "I'm still standing"
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Somehow I haven't given up and have continued to keep fighting despite everything. I mentioned how my therapist last semester said that I inspired her.I guess this is why. She was inspired by how even after everything I've been through, I'm still fighting.
She also mentioned during one of my sessions how through everything she can hear that I'm a fighter and that I haven't given up. Even when I've felt like giving up somehow I haven't. I'm still fighting.
I still have hope and I guess that's why I'm in therapy. Because I still have hope that things will get better for me.
Therapy/Counseling Talk
My mind has been thinking a lot this week. Most of it is things I've already mentioned previously. Also a lot of what's been on my mind is preparing myself for telling my therapist something on Wednesday.
Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes. There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.
This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.
So like I've already said, in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.
After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records. According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday. He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.
Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.
Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.
I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.
I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week. After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.
However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that. I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.
I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.
I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there anymore.
The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.
The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then. I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.
Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over. I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent. After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.
I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions. Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression? It's just something I'm curious about.
With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester. Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?
I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.
It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.
My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.
Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes. There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.
This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.
So like I've already said, in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.
After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records. According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday. He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.
Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.
Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.
I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.
I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week. After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.
However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that. I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.
I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.
I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there anymore.
The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.
The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then. I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.
Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over. I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent. After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.
I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions. Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression? It's just something I'm curious about.
With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester. Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?
I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.
It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.
My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)