Perfect

One word. So simple and yet so powerful. Perfect.

A word that comes up with me far too often it seems. A word that the Student Counseling Center used in a description about me and some of my problems; the fact that I seem to struggle with trying to be “perfect” . This is some of the information that was sent over to the Psychology Clinic. Information that I was asked about at one point in today’s therapy session.

We certainly discussed a lot today. A lot things were covered. Thankfully we covered everything that was on my mind this week. Everything that I at least wanted to mention to her before our sessions end. I also made her a little emotional again this week. Not full on emotional break down like I have but I could see on her face, that she could feel my pain; that she could feel how hard things were for me emotionally. 

My therapist mentioned that she had received some information from the SCC. I explained to her that I'd had them send the information to the Clinic so that when I found another therapist they could then forward all the information from the Clinic.

She then mentioned something about how in the information sent over, it mentioned something about "perfect" and she wanted to know a bit more about it.

I am a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve admitted it so many times. But the question is why?
Why do I try so hard to be perfect? Why do any of us try to be perfect?

I know it’s an unattainable goal. I know this deep inside myself. And still I try to be “perfect”
I don’t know why this is. I know nobody’s perfect. I know no matter how hard I try at things, I’m never going to be perfect. Nothing I do ever will be perfect.

So why then do I keep striving for perfection? Why do I not grasp the understanding that nothing is ever going to be perfect?

Why do I continue chasing something that never will be? That doesn’t exist? Never will exist?
Why do I push myself so hard to be “perfect” in my assignments?

At least I’ve started recognizing this about myself. I’m realizing that I’m causing myself unnecessary stress by trying to be perfect at everything I do. Still though it doesn’t make it any easier . It doesn’t stop me from still trying.

I know I'm not perfect. Or at least I know that deep inside me.

But I've starting to realize this somewhat and I'm trying really hard to stop this thinking of me always having to be perfect.

That's where the progress came in on Sunday. I recognized that I causing myself unnecessary stress because I was trying to be perfect. I was overthinking the assignment; trying to make it perfect.

I have other things that I'm supposed to be reflecting on this week but I can't stop thinking about the whole "perfect" thing now.  Just hearing that it's what the Counseling Center thought one of my problems was and they're the ones who identified it. 

I know I struggle with this. The idea of "perfection" but hearing someone else confirm it is a bit overwhelming. Perhaps even a bit of relief. Yet it's something that I don't understand exactly. I mean, I know I struggle with it but don't understand my reasoning.  It's something that's now on my mind and will be something to mention at our last session next week.

That's the other thing. I started getting emotional when she mentioned forwarding the information from the clinic to my therapist in New Mexico if I found one.  I couldn't really describe it to her because honestly I didn't know what I was feeling. Now I realize what I'm feeling.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to move on. I'm afraid to start over. I'm afraid I won't find a therapist back home and that's how it's looking. I'm worried about how I'm going to be able to cope in the meantime. I plan to continue therapy but I'm not sure I'll be able to find someone until I find where I end up.

I'm not trying to make it sound as though I'm using therapy as a crutch. I'm sure I'll be able to cope without it for a while. However, I am concerned about losing a lot of the progress that has been made. I'm concerned that I could go backwards. That things could take a turn for the worse.

I guess yes, I'm afraid to go without therapy now. Because I don't really trust myself to cope with things on my own without it. 

One more thing, I'm supposed to reflect this week on other times where I blamed myself for things that were out of my control. The thing is that I realize that I blame myself a lot for things.I blame myself for people taking advantage of me too. But specifically blaming myself for something that was beyond my control? Except for the Incident with  my neighbor, I can't really think about another time.

Next week is our last session of the semester.  Actually my last session for who knows how long. Next week we'll be wrapping things up. Hopefully she'll be giving me coping techniques or things I can do to help me while I'm between therapists.

I feel like next week will be a lot better in terms emotionally. This week, I just felt so emotionally worked up and I told her. I think it's just all the stress I'm dealing with specifically in regards to my final project. Actually I just think it's stress in general. But after this week, I won't feel stressed so much so I feel as things will be a bit better for me emotionally.

I feel as though I'll be calmer next week. Or hopefully I'll be.

There's one thing left I want to mention to her though. A quote that I want to leave with her and that I'm going to end this blog post with. A quote that I feel defines much of my life situation currently:

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself together as it does to fall apart"-Finnick Odair.
Mockingjay; The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins