Sometimes when I feel like I can't find any other answer to explain some of my problems, I can't help but come back to my personality type and it just being part of being an "INFJ". Not because it's the "easy" answer but because I've pretty much exhausted all other ideas and this is really the only thing I have left.
I'm talking about my personality type a lot lately and I realize this but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm trying to understand how my problems could be part of this personality. Not trying to use it as an excuse but more as a way to understand where some of my problems could be coming from.
I'm wondering if this whole perfectionism is just part of my personality at this point. It's just me. It's part of who I am.
I'm still thinking about the whole "perfect" thing that was mentioned to me in my session yesterday. I know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist but I don't know where this idea of "perfection" came from.
I know it's this perfectionist nature causing me a lot of unnecessary stress. It's the reason for a lot of my problems. I want to be "perfect" so I try really really hard at things and as a result makes it harder when I fail.
I'm sure it's also because of this "perfectionist" nature that I tend to procrastinate a lot of times. I've dealt with procrastination issues for a lot time and I'm sure this is one reason why.
I recently found something I wrote in my Introductory Psychology class that I took at my community college back in Spring 2007: "People procrastinate because they have a low tolerance of frustration or because they feel anxious and fear failure."
This explains my struggles so exactly. I put off doing something because I don't feel like I can do a good job and so I would rather not do it. Especially if it's something I don't quite understand.
Which goes back to being a perfectionist. If it's not going to be "perfect" in my opinion, why should I do it?
I set high standards for myself and when I fail to meet such standards, I'm really hard on myself.
Many times I've had to settle for turning in work that was, in my opinion, less than quality; wasn't good enough. I always feel miserable when I do this. Yet, many times my work comes back with a fairly decent grade.
It bothers me because I feel like I could have done better and then I blame myself for not taking more time to work on it; starting earlier instead of waiting until almost the last minute.
I'm working on trying to be more accepting that my work isn't going to be "perfect" all the time. It will probably never be "perfect". It's a struggle but I am trying to work on it. I'm at least starting to recognize when I'm doing it; trying to make something "perfect" and causing myself stress.
The thing is though, my "perfectionist" nature isn't in everything I do. As a child I never really tried to be "perfect" as far as my grades were concerned. At least, I didn't seem to. Sure I would work really hard but I was ok with getting a "B" in a class on my report card. I didn't get "A"s all the time and I still seemed ok with it. I was still happy with my grade. Even on my assignments, I would usually get A's or B's and be happy.
If I got anything lower, then yeah, most often times I wasn't happy. But still I did well enough in school that the only times I got anything less than a "B" were on my class assignments and I was usually ok with that.
By the time I got to high school though, things started getting a bit difficult. I took some AP courses and struggled with both of them. My first AP course was European history. I'd already had struggled with history courses before so I don't really know why I decided to go for an AP course but I did. I struggled a lot in that class especially when it came to the exams. After the first semester, I had a B. I just knew if I stayed in the course though chances are my grade would drop even more and I'd fail it. I didn't want that so I switched to regular World History instead. Now looking back on this, I guess it was that "perfectionist" nature of mine; the fact that I didn't want to fail that made me switch.
My first real, "C" grade came in college during my senior year of High School. I was a dual-credit student which meant that I took college credit classes as a high schooler and received credit for both high school and college. Which meant that by the time I started at the college as a full-time freshmen student, I already had about a semester's worth of credits already.
My first "C" was in yet another European history course. This was my first "C" in college and I remember feeling pretty horrible about it for awhile. I struggled in the course and I knew it. I didn't want a "C" but that's what the grade ended up being. This was the first of several C's in my college career. I hated getting C's but eventually I was content to just even pass the course. I struggled in the courses where I ended up with C's. It got to a point that if I was just glad to have passed the course.I still wasn't pleased with the grade but I guess I learned to just be ok with it.
Even when I got into grad school, I hated the thought of getting a "C" and I knew I couldn't. I had to get a "B" or better or otherwise the course wouldn't count credit. This really wasn't a big problem for me to get at least a "B"but that was until my School Librarianship course happened. Up until that course, I'd had a 4.0 GPA. I'd gotten A's in all my courses. My School Librarianship course really pushed me. I really struggled with the assignments. I was hoping I would end up getting a "B" but even that seemed like a far fetched idea and by the end of the semester, I already has resigned myself to a "C" grade.
I'm still not happy about this. I feel like I should have just withdrawn from the course and I got really close to doing it. It got to that point. But again, I didn't and just suffered through it. My GPA suffered from this course and even taking this extra course this semester and most likely passing it with an A will not be enough to make up and bring back my 4.0.
Thinking about it, the fact that the SCC used the term in describing some of my problems, makes a lot of sense. I've struggled with being perfect for a long time and still struggle with it.
It can be a blessing and a curse but for me, it's mostly a curse.
Right now my perfectionist nature is more noticeable to me because I'm a college student but I know it's going to continue being a problem for me in my career and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it.
To be ok with not always being "perfect".
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