A big mistake

This semester I'm taking a School Library class as one of my electives. I thought it was good to  expand knowledge about the different type of libraries. Was I ever wrong.

It was such a big mistake taking this class. I regret it so much now. I’d rather quit now and save myself the pain. It’s too late now though. Not worth the trouble required to drop it at this point. I’d have to contact the professor who’d have to give me permission to drop.  But then I’d have a big “WF” on my transcript forever. “WF” means Withdrawn/Failed. At this point, I’m not sure which would be worse: being free from the class and having the “WF” on my record or suffering through the class with the almost certainty of passing with a “C” and having to repeat the class (HECK NO) or taking another class. C’s aren’t good in grad school. B’s are ok but no C’s.  I don’t know which is worth it anymore. My professor said that I was on track to get at least a B but I don’t feel like I am anymore.  This is so stressful because up until this class I had a 4.0. Not anymore I’m afraid. I really don’t mind having a B but it’s slowly slipping away from me. Things aren't looking good. I don’t think my desire to quit a class has ever been this strong before now. I really do want to quit. I don’t know if it’s truly worth struggling through the rest of the semester when I really don’t know what’s going on. I read the textbooks and everything. I think it makes sense but then I get to the assignments themselves and I’m completely lost.

Sure my procrastinating makes it worse but even when I’ve managed to complete some assignments on time (which hasn’t been many at all), I’m still just as confused.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. It just seems that the longer I stay in the class, the worse it gets. The more lost I feel and the more frustrated I get.  So far, every time I've gone to work on an assignment regardless of it's the day it's due or before, I've had an emotional breakdown because I simply don't understand what to do. I read the textbook, look at the resources, and yet still it doesn't seem clear to me and I have not a clue why it doesn't.

My professor has been both helpful and not. She at least talked to her student assistant who now keeps in contact with me to make sure I'm doing ok. But when I've asked other questions, she's made me feel like I'm an idiot.

It doesn't help that I got off to a bad start with the class in the first case. I did the first assignment but didn't completely understand it. But I didn't worry too much about it since it was only the first assignment. Sometimes that's how it is with first assignments.  Once I start getting into more of the course material, I usually understand what's going on. 

But then the unexpected happened. I totally spaced on the 2nd assignments. It was 2 of them and I just completely spaced on the deadline.  I just didn't at what I had to get done and missed it completely. I've never done that before and felt so horrible about it.  Well after missing those couple of assignments (and a discussion post), I was determined to not let that happen again.

I've tried. Honestly, I have. But I still just can't understand half of what's going on in the class. I just feel so incredibly stupid and I know that I'm not.  I hate feeling this way.

I feel like an outsider with this class as well being that most of the others in the class are teachers or educators of some type. I'm not! It's not a requirement that I need to be a teacher but it certainly seems to help.  The other thing is that most of the others are in the School Librarianship program of student and as such they have a Mentor Librarian to help them out. Well, I'm not in this program of  study and therefore I don't have a Mentor librarian Again, not a requirement but it certainly  would help I think. According to the professor, if I read all the lessons and listen to the lectures and everything, I should be fine. I've been informed that I’m not the only one who isn’t in the School Library program taking this class and yet I feel totally alone. 

I have done so great on the assignments either. I feel like I work really hard at them and still don't do that well. Even the assignments I feel I did well on seem to be not what she's wanting and I simply don't get it. I think I understand something and finally feel like maybe it's starting to make sense but then get shot down.

The student assistant for my School Library class has been so kind to help me with the assignments after I told the professor that I was struggling. It was nice of her to talk to her assistant and ask her to help me. I’m grateful for that.  At least the student assistant has been trying. Yet even with her help I feel like things haven't improved very much.  At least I feel I can talk to the assistant more that I can to the professor.

Everytime I've tried to talk to the professor she makes me feel more like an idiot and makes me feel worse than I did before. She told me I need to ask more questions in class and when I do she accused me of not using the help she's offered me when I have. Sometimes though, I need an answer almost right away and the student assistant hasn't yet answered me! I've pretty much stopped trying to talk to the professor now. I feel like she thinks I'm a big idiot and that I'm just wasting her time.

Really though I'm just done with this class. It was such a mistake to begin with. I really despise this class If one thing this class has taught me it's that I'm not cut out to be a school librarian.   I wont even recommend this course to anyone who isn't planning to be a school librarian. It's not worth it.

I've wanted to give up with courses before but didn't. This is the first class that I got so close to actually pulling out. It's the closest I've been. I honestly don't think I would've regretted it had I actually dropped it. It would have bothered me at first but honestly I feel that I would've gotten over it fairly quickly. Certainly I wouldn't feel as stressed out as I do.

It's just all a big mistake.