Falling off the wagon

I return to Denton in a little less than a week (Wednesday) and while I am missing my own place and my own bed, I am certainly not missing Denton itself.

I hate it there only because I don't have any friends there or know very many people. I have been there for over a year now and yet nothing has really changed. I know it's partly my fault for not being more out there. But as I've pointed out, there's reason why not.

What makes it worse is that now,  the only neighbor I really knew and felt comfortable with is moving. Her family is still going to be in Denton but they will no longer be living in the complex. I knew this was coming eventually but still. She has 3 kids and it's only a 2 bedroom apartment. My last bit of safety net protecting me from the neighbor is now leaving.

It's just making things more difficult for me. It makes me less wanting to go back. It adds to the complexity of my current issues.

"Imagine me complexly"


The thing that gets me is the fact that I miss material things. I miss things like my own bed (although I'll be getting a new one when I get back. I'm overdue for a new bed) and really the idea of my own place. 

I don't really miss the idea of being alone all the time and not being with my family. In a way I guess, I don't miss being a grown up. And yet part of me still does. 

Things are always less complicated and complex when I'm with people who love and care about me. Namely when I'm home with my family.  Things seem clearer.  But because I don't have this in Denton, I'm forced to cope with it myself and I'm no good at doing that.

I'm getting better certainly with some help but still, having to be the grown-up is proving to be difficult for me.

The thing is that I need a bit more of social life. I have friends and they are brilliant. I'm so grateful for them. But the thing is: They aren't in Denton with me. They live elsewhere (relatively nearby but yet still too far away). I can't just call them up to come over for a game or movie night. I need friends in Denton. I don't need a lot of friends but just someone I can confide in and give me a reason to go back to Denton so I can hang out with them again. Right now I don't have that.
I have nothing tying me to Denton. I have no reason to go back and visit once I've graduated, found a job, and moved away. It's a bit sad but it's the truth. 

Most of the stuff I've talked about so far has been said in other posts before. It's not new.  Which leads me to the main reason I wanted to blog.  I've essentially fallen off the wagon. A few months ago,  things happened with an old online friend of mine. Something I did upset this person and she blocked me and in turn I dropped her as well. I also dropped another person I'd been attempting to develop a friendship with (ironically the two people were roommates) Yet, I still secretly followed them online. Finally, after seeking help, I decided to let go. Let go of people who obviously didn't want to be friends with me.

Yet I still had urges to keep up with them and see what was happening in their lives through social media sites and I did. Finally, I decided to stop. What I was doing wasn't helping me let go and so I stopped.  I still got twitches wanting me to check their twitters but I resisted. I just kept telling myself it didn't matter and for awhile it worked.

Several weeks have passed (almost a couple of months now actually) and I hadn't thought about them. But tonight, I failed. I started looking at things online; sites that I hadn't been to in awhile (Dailybooth), and once again, I started seeing what was going on. Then I got on here and found out some more things since they've both updated their blogs. So yes I still follow them on a couple of places but it doesn't matter (or it didn't). It didn't affect me until tonight.

Really the reason I talked to them in the first place is because we shared things in common plus they were both attending the same college and living in Denton. In other words, they were people who I thought I could make local friends with. Obviously it didn't work out.  I envy their friendship. I've already stated this. I want a friend like they have in each other. That's probably why I've fallen off the wagon and have started taking an interest in their lives again.

I'm panicking at the thought of going back to a place where I have no friends. Part of me wants to attempt to make friends with them again simply because I want friends in Denton. It's simply because they ARE in Denton and I do know them a bit from online communication.  I know this is why their lives are seemingly important to me again. 

Yet at the same time, they aren't all that important to me anymore. Not like they used to be. Sure, I still read their blogs and such but it doesn't matter to me so much.  At least not right now, but we'll see how that is upon my return to Denton. Being in the general vicinity might change things.  I can almost say with certainty that I'll go away from the Internet tonight and not visit their blogs again for a long while again.

Do I consider this progress? I do. I don't care so much about them anymore. I've mostly moved on. I have other things to deal with.  
Will I fall off the wagon again? Probably. It's going to take time. I can't deny that. Eventually I'll have moved on completely and they won't matter at all.

They'll just be another faded memory.