Summertime Blues

It's the beginning of August and I'm already feeling a bit of sadness about summer ending in a few weeks.

I've had a nice summer with the exception of having 2 surgeries and then having to spend a lot of time recovering for the month of June.  Plus I also had the one summer class.

My nephew was here for almost 2 months. I brought him back with me to New Mexico, when I wen to Arizona for Phoenix Comic Con.  We took him home this past weekend. Believe me when I say that I was ready for it. I think he was too. 

I love my nephew a lot. I really do but spending 2 months with him was enough time. Too much time. He was starting to really get on my nerves and I'm pretty sure it was reciprocal. The other thing is that when he is around, I really don't get much time to myself. Plus he has this thing where he is constantly poking and picking at me for no reason.  He's 13 almost 14 (he will be on the 7th). He's a teenager and he's a lot taller than me. Because he is taller than me, he thinks he doesn't have to listen to me. He doesn't see me as an authority figure at all. To him, I'm his buddy and his playmate. It's annoying that he doesn't listen to me and I get extremely frustrated with him. It was just time for him to go home. For the both of us.

Yet at the same time, I am a little sad that he's gone. After all, he is my buddy.  We did stuff together all summer. We watched TV shows together and played video games together. It was fun. It's quiet with him gone. Almost too quiet at times.

But at the same time, I'm glad to finally be by myself and not have someone bothering me all the time.  I'm also glad to finally get to spend some time with my parents.

However, the sadness isn't just from my nephew being gone. It's also because of the fact that this is probably my last carefree summer. My last summer of being able to spend a whole summer here in New Mexico. The last summer I'll really get to do things with my nephew.

I'm graduating with my Master's in December. After that I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'll hopefully be looking for and finding a job is all I know. If I somehow get a job by next summer, there is no possibility for me to take off for the whole summer. Especially if the job happens to be in a library and working in the Youth Services department. Practically every library has some sort of Summer Reading Program which I'm most certainly going to be involved in and will be unable to take time off because that just is so involved.

It's a scary thought. I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to be in the real world but at the same time, I guess I kinda am. I don't really know. It's complicated. I'm not sure I'm ready to be a "grown up". I mean this is what I've worked for but now I'm not sure what I want.

When I think about the fact that this is really the last summer I have, it makes me sad. It had to come sometime and this may be it. Next summer, who knows what it'll be like?

Another thing that's been on my mind lately besides summer ending is therapy. I'm still uncertain if I should go back. Part of me feels it would be a good idea. I think it would be advisable. At least for a little while if not for the entire semester.  I mean I'm fine right now but I'm not sure if things will be quite the same when I get back home.There's also the fact that there are a few things that I'd still like to discuss. Some new things and some old things.

I've also been thinking about therapy in general. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm in therapy. It has helped me so much and I think there is a good reason for that. I've been in therapy before now. I was in short-term counseling at Oklahoma State and again at UNT for a while before being in long-term.  However, unlike when I was at Oklahoma State, I really don't have any friends in Denton and I think that it explains why I need the therapy. Why I need the help in dealing with things.

I didn't have a whole lot of friends back at Oklahoma State either but I had enough that I was able to deal with things better. I had friends I could talk to about things, help me handle things better.  That's the main difference. I don't have any friends here. Even after going on 2 years. I still don't have any friends in Denton. Not one. I have no one I can talk to when things get too rough.

Sure. I have my Oklahoma friends now. Although technically I met them before I moved to Denton. But while I have them and can contact them when I need them, it's not the same as having someone in the same town as you. My nerdfighter/internet friends are really wonderful but the distance makes things so hard sometimes.

Similarly, I don't have any family close by. When I first moved to Oklahoma, I had a cousin which helped me to adjust a lot easier. Not in Denton. I knew no one. I still don't really know anyone.

I think really that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. Simply just to have someone to talk to and help me handle things.  My family can't do  anything to help me because they aren't there with me. I have no friends to just call up or come by or do something to distract me and make me feel better.

Therapy gives that to me. Just someone who will listen to me and help me work through things. But I'm still not sure if I need to go back or not.

I've just had moments this summer where I've felt off. Restless. A bit sad. At least as the Summer comes closer to an end. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back but then again I never really am. I'm not sure I'm ready for this summer to be over. I'm not sure I'm ready to finish up my last semester and find a job.But then I'm not sure what I really am ready for.  If I'll ever be ready.

For now though, I need to not think about all this. I need to just enjoy the rest of the Summer and make the most of it.