2 years of nothing

*This is a bit of an addendum/ follow-up to yesterday's post*

I'm once again all packed and will be heading back early tomorrow morning.

I just want to say that's it's been 2 years.

2 years of me living in Denton.
2 years of me attempting to make friends and just generally trying to make living there work. 
2 years and I basically have nothing to show for it.

2 years of me trying so hard (and I have been trying believe me) and yet nothing has happened. 
2 YEARS!
I've put in 2 years and I feel like I should have something to show for it.

I'm not talking academics at all here. That much I have plenty to show that 2 years of work hasn't been spent doing nothing.That's not it at all.  2 years worth of academics; 2 years worth of graduate work with only a semester to go before I'm finished with a Master's degree.  When I look at academics, I've done the work and have something to show for it.

But when I look at everything else in my life there in Denton, I'm sorely disappointed.

2 years worth of living there and I'm still just as alone as I was when I moved there.

I still only know a handful of people and I literally mean a handful of people.
Many of those people are the staff at the different branches of the public library system. Which granted, it's a library and I'm a library student. It's not that hard to figure it out.

As far as neighbors go in my apartment complex, there's really only 1 that I know (knew) well. However, she's no longer living there. Other than that, I don't really know anyone else.

There's a few people that I only know about because of the Internet and the nerdfighter community but I can't really claim to know said people. First of all, I haven't met a lot of them IRL.  They pretty much only exist to me online at the moment. Secondly, those that I have met IRL turned out not to be as awesome as I originally thought. Not to mention I just didn't care for their personality. Also one of them was offended by something I admitted online which certainly involved them. However, it wasn't the person specifically that I had a problem with. It was my problem. But they ended up blocking me from contacting them ever again. So that ended that potential friendship.

I just feel like I've spent 2 years wasting my time there in Denton. 2 years were I essentially just lived there. I feel like I've never really lived. Not the way I feel like I should.

It's complicated and extremely frustrating. I blame myself a lot. I blame myself for not making it work. For possibly not trying hard enough to make it work.

Yet, I know I have in fact tried. I've tried hard but nothing has worked out the way I've wanted or was hoping to; expecting it to. People constantly doubt that I try to make things better which upsets me even more. I feel like a failure when they do. They just add pressure to me which makes me even less willing to change despite the fact that I want to

Still though it would be nice if I had something to show for it. If I even had at least one friend in Denton. Even if it wasn't a close friend. Even if it was just more like an acquaintance.  
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I'm just not happy in Denton. Those of you who have been keeping up over the past 2 years, know this. You can sense my unhappiness. I've talked about it enough. It's just very apparent how unhappy I am there. There's no denying that I am unhappy there. It's just a fact.

I just feel that it shouldn't take this long for me to essentially "settle in" in Denton. To be happy and feel comfortable there. Of course things have happened to change how I feel but even before then I was unhappy.

The circumstances under which I moved there weren't exactly ideal. Nonetheless, I would think I would at least feel at least a bit of happiness after 2 years of living there.  It feels like at this point, I'll never feel happy there.

It certainly didn't take me 2 years to fully feel comfortable when I was in Oklahoma.  I'd say it only took about a semester. That was it. A semester compared to 2 years where I'm still no where close to achieving the same level of comfort and happiness as back at OSU. Again though things were different though. I was actually on campus. I had family for my first year.

I haven't really given up. But then again, I guess I have. I still have this semester but I'm not feeling very hopeful about it. Success rate hasn't been very positive. It's hard and just gets to you when things just don't work out time and again.  I honestly feel like I have no hope left. I feel letdown. Hopeless. Like why do I even bother. 

I really feel like I've wasted 2 years of my life somewhere where I didn't really even need to be. 2 years I just wish would've worked out a lot better.