Ever since being officially diagnosed with depression, I can't help but wonder why it took so long for me to be diagnosed. I realize it's a tricky thing to diagnose. But still, I wonder why it took this long when I know I've been struggling for quite some time.
There's enough evidence to show that I've been struggling. Just look at my blog posts here and on my writing Tumblr. You can see it.
In fact it was one of my good friends that was the first to suggest I might need medicine to help me. She suggested this quite a while back ago too. She could see how much I was struggling and had experienced some of the same things herself. She picked up on some things, long before a therapist ever did.
I've been in therapy/counseling for some time. Yet, none of my therapists or counselors ever seemed to pick up on the fact I might have depression. Or if they did, they never mentioned it to me. I don't blame them at all though. I just wish they would have picked up on the fact earlier. Perhaps then things would be a bit better right now. I wouldn't have had to wait so long for me to start truly feeling better.Then again perhaps the early signs just weren't there at the time.
When I first sought counseling I had other things going on that took me there in the first place. None of it really doing with depression. I don't really feel like I was suffering from depression. I've said before how I felt I was borderline for depression and I felt like that for quite a while. Yet, still my therapists didn't say anything to me. It wasn't until my last semester; Fall 2012 semester, that I really felt like I went over that line. I felt like I really started feeling the symptoms of depression.
Things just seemed to get worse from there. I really hit a low point and no matter what I did, I just couldn't shake it off. Things just added to my struggles when I had to move back home after failing to get a job there in Denton.
I had to get help and fast. I was not getting any better and having important decisions to make was making things even harder. By this point, I strongly suspected that I was suffering from depression. Too many signs were there.
My first session with my new therapist and she pretty much confirmed it for me then. By our second session, she further confirmed it and suggested that I might need an antidepressant to help me out even more.
All this time or at least for the last year, and not once did anyone ever consider it. Although, I've said before that I believe my last therapist was about to diagnose me but we ran out of time.
One session with this therapist and she was able to tell right away. It took this long for me to find the answers and help I've been needing. It took all this time for me to start getting on the road to normalcy again. To start feeling better.
I guess they just didn't see it. Perhaps I wasn't showing the typical early signs at the beginning and by the time they picked up on the idea that I might be struggling with depression, it was too late. Meaning that I had moved away.
I don't know how much things would be different had I been diagnosed earlier. Certainly things would be much easier for me right now. I wouldn't be having as much trouble making certain decisions.
The point is that while it took me some time to be officially diagnosed, I have finally been diagnosed. I can stop wondering so much. I have an answer now.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
On being diagnosed with depression
I realize I've been talking about this a lot lately both here and on my writing Tumblr but it's for good reason.After all, this is a big thing to be diagnosed with.
There's a difference between thinking you have something and actually being diagnosed with it. When it's more official, things are different.
I've said time and time again that you shouldn't diagnose yourself and you shouldn't. Yet I have done so a couple times. However, with me, I did some pretty extensive research and looked at a lot of evidence I had before I came to a decision. But even despite all that, I still held out reservation until a medical professional confirmed or denied it for me.
So going back to being diagnosed with depression.For several months now, I've seriously considered the possibility of me having depression and pretty much confirmed it for myself even though no one had really said so. I already had anxiety issues and have for some time but not depression.
This last semester of grad school was really terrible for me. It wasn't so much the stress from my courses or even the stress from my End of Program exams that was bothering me. It was more the panic of graduating and having to find a job and the possibility of moving again that was really getting to me.
There was just so much for me to handle and I just felt like I couldn't. I was in therapy and it seemed to be helping but sometimes it just felt so long between sessions. I honestly felt like I was slowly getting worse the closer it got to me graduating. The last few sessions, I was really feeling anxious and just really down. It was horrible.
I was having trouble sleeping and just feeling out of it. Not really happy. The thought of me having depression came up in my mind. Particularly when my last therapist started asking me questions;. Questions I just knew were used to diagnose depression. Although, she still didn't diagnose me or say anything to me if she had.
I knew something was going on with me, even if my therapist wasn't saying anything. I knew something wasn't right. So I researched and pretty much diagnosed myself with depression. There were just far too many symptoms I was dealing with that matched up to be coincidental.
But I didn't really know if it was true depression I was dealing with or just symptoms of it.If that makes any sense. I just knew something was going on with me mentally that I couldn't really control.
The last couple of months things have really been difficult for me emotionally. I needed help and so I finally found it. When I met my current therapist, I told her I was dealing with some anxiety and depression issues. She asked me some questions and pretty much confirmed it for me that I did have depression. At our sessions since then, things I've told her just continue to confirm her diagnoses.
It's a huge relief to be officially diagnosed but at the same time it's different. Facing the reality of being diagnosed is much different when you suspect it but not officially diagnosed.
The feelings about it have changed now that I've been officially diagnosed. My life as I know it has changed. Instead of wondering, I now know. I have to adapt to a new normal and learn to adjust to things differently.
Being officially diagnosed isn't going to change who I am though. Well, not in a negative way. It's hopefully going to help me become a better person though. It's going to help me move forward.
But I'm still me and that's not going to change.
Now that I've been diagnosed and am getting the help I need for it, I can get back to "normal'.
Depression is a serious thing and I encourage anyone that thinks they need help to seek it.Trust me. Things will be much better once you do.
There's a difference between thinking you have something and actually being diagnosed with it. When it's more official, things are different.
I've said time and time again that you shouldn't diagnose yourself and you shouldn't. Yet I have done so a couple times. However, with me, I did some pretty extensive research and looked at a lot of evidence I had before I came to a decision. But even despite all that, I still held out reservation until a medical professional confirmed or denied it for me.
So going back to being diagnosed with depression.For several months now, I've seriously considered the possibility of me having depression and pretty much confirmed it for myself even though no one had really said so. I already had anxiety issues and have for some time but not depression.
This last semester of grad school was really terrible for me. It wasn't so much the stress from my courses or even the stress from my End of Program exams that was bothering me. It was more the panic of graduating and having to find a job and the possibility of moving again that was really getting to me.
There was just so much for me to handle and I just felt like I couldn't. I was in therapy and it seemed to be helping but sometimes it just felt so long between sessions. I honestly felt like I was slowly getting worse the closer it got to me graduating. The last few sessions, I was really feeling anxious and just really down. It was horrible.
I was having trouble sleeping and just feeling out of it. Not really happy. The thought of me having depression came up in my mind. Particularly when my last therapist started asking me questions;. Questions I just knew were used to diagnose depression. Although, she still didn't diagnose me or say anything to me if she had.
I knew something was going on with me, even if my therapist wasn't saying anything. I knew something wasn't right. So I researched and pretty much diagnosed myself with depression. There were just far too many symptoms I was dealing with that matched up to be coincidental.
But I didn't really know if it was true depression I was dealing with or just symptoms of it.If that makes any sense. I just knew something was going on with me mentally that I couldn't really control.
The last couple of months things have really been difficult for me emotionally. I needed help and so I finally found it. When I met my current therapist, I told her I was dealing with some anxiety and depression issues. She asked me some questions and pretty much confirmed it for me that I did have depression. At our sessions since then, things I've told her just continue to confirm her diagnoses.
It's a huge relief to be officially diagnosed but at the same time it's different. Facing the reality of being diagnosed is much different when you suspect it but not officially diagnosed.
The feelings about it have changed now that I've been officially diagnosed. My life as I know it has changed. Instead of wondering, I now know. I have to adapt to a new normal and learn to adjust to things differently.
Being officially diagnosed isn't going to change who I am though. Well, not in a negative way. It's hopefully going to help me become a better person though. It's going to help me move forward.
But I'm still me and that's not going to change.
Now that I've been diagnosed and am getting the help I need for it, I can get back to "normal'.
Depression is a serious thing and I encourage anyone that thinks they need help to seek it.Trust me. Things will be much better once you do.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Where it began?
Ever since being officially diagnosed as having depression and anxiety, I can't help but think about where it really been began? How long have I really been struggling with this and why did it take so long for me to be officially diagnosed?
It can't be denied that I've been suffering with mental health issues for some time now. There's enough proof in my blog posts both here and on Tumblr to show this. Just rereading my posts, I can see that I haven't truly been happy in quite some time. I can see that I've been in a low point in my life for a long time and have slowly gotten worse as time has gone on.
To me, it seems as though I've been slowly getting worse over this past year. However, I know that I've been struggling for longer than that. Thinking about it, I feel like I've been struggling with possible depression at least as long as I first moved to Denton.
I've mentioned time and time again how I first sought counseling back in Fall 2009 for a nervous breakdown. But things were ok after that or at least they seemed to be ok until the chaos happened during my graduation week in May 2010.
I think that chaos plus moving to a whole new place and basically started over was just too much for me. I didn't have time to think or really grieve for everything that happened. But I really didn't focus too much on it either. At least not at first.
I was too busy trying to settle myself in and focus on getting going with my graduate school classes. I know I struggled a great deal that first semester but I survived. I made it through.
But when I really stop to think about it, perhaps things weren't doing as well as I thought. I guess I just tried to not think about it so much. Things were certainly stressful for me my first semester. Graduate school was a whole new experience for me. It was a lot more involved and while I knew it was going to be, it still was different when you actually experience it.
I guess it was really around this time that I would say that perhaps I really started struggling with mental health issues. However, I guess because I was so focused on my studies, I tended not to notice nearly as much. That and I attributed most of it to just the normal stress of grad school.
I thought I was happy or mostly happy. I did have moments of sadness but I thought it was just because I was stressed out. Now I'm wondering if these moments weren't early signs and I just didn't think much about them.
Spring 2011 semester started off a little better I thought. I felt that after successfully passing a semester's worth of grad classes, I was on my way. I still got stressed out but that's just how I tend to be. I tend to push myself to do well at things. Sometimes too much. Again there were moments of sadness but again, I didn't look into them that much.
Then The Incident happened and everything just seemed to fall apart after that. I feel like that was the breaking point for me. I was already stressed out from my college courses and was missing my old life in Oklahoma a bit; I was basically finally grieving for what I left behind. Not to mention, I was starting to feel lonely. Then to have that added on top of everything.
I think that was when I really hit rock bottom or at least I felt like I had. I wasn't happy. I felt like gray clouds were hanging over me. I knew I needed help and went and sought counseling on the University campus. I honestly remember taking an online depression screening around this time just because I was a bit curious to see what the results would be. But it turned out negative for depression and so I didn't think too much about it.
I returned to the Student Counseling Center in Fall 2011 because I felt like I needed to return. I felt that I still needed help. It was during this time that I was referred to the Psychology Clinic.
All this information has been mentioned previously. So I'm just basically repeating it again.
However, throughout my entire 2.5 years in Denton, I can honestly say that I don't feel like I was ever really happy there. I'd say that that moving there in Fall 2010 was the beginning of my depression although I didn't recognize it at first or even think about it.
Looking back on it now after being officially diagnosed, I can see that I was never really happy. I don't think I ever really recovered from the disappointment and chaos and then to have other things added on top of that. It's almost not too surprising that I have been diagnosed with depression.
I feel like I've really only been suffering with true depression since last year; the beginning of Fall 2012 semester. At least that's when it really seemed to hit me. I know I was unhappy. I just felt so much unexplained sadness and just was really struggling. I was miserable.
However, I went undiagnosed (as far as I know) until recently. I'm not blaming my therapists or anything but I just wonder why it took so long. Although (and I've mentioned this before), I felt like my last therapist was close to diagnosing me and would have but we ran out of time. At one of our last couple of sessions, she asked me questions that I know are used to diagnose depression. She was also extremely concerned about me finding another therapist when I moved back home.
Basically, I'm sure I would still have been diagnosed at some point especially since I honestly feel like I've been suffering for so long. I'd say at least 2 years although I didn't really feel like I was suffering from depression until last year. Also with the amount of counseling/therapy I've had and with little improvement in the way things are in my life, things are obviously aren't that simple.
So I have depression and when I think back on it, I've been suffering with it for quite some time.
But at least I sought help before it got any worse. Hopefully, I was able to catch it early enough before it got too extreme. From what I can tell, it was already pretty bad but at least now I don't have to suffer too much longer.
Now I'm on my way to getting better. Depression is complicated. I may have some idea of when it began. But who really knows how long I've been suffering from it?
It can't be denied that I've been suffering with mental health issues for some time now. There's enough proof in my blog posts both here and on Tumblr to show this. Just rereading my posts, I can see that I haven't truly been happy in quite some time. I can see that I've been in a low point in my life for a long time and have slowly gotten worse as time has gone on.
To me, it seems as though I've been slowly getting worse over this past year. However, I know that I've been struggling for longer than that. Thinking about it, I feel like I've been struggling with possible depression at least as long as I first moved to Denton.
I've mentioned time and time again how I first sought counseling back in Fall 2009 for a nervous breakdown. But things were ok after that or at least they seemed to be ok until the chaos happened during my graduation week in May 2010.
I think that chaos plus moving to a whole new place and basically started over was just too much for me. I didn't have time to think or really grieve for everything that happened. But I really didn't focus too much on it either. At least not at first.
I was too busy trying to settle myself in and focus on getting going with my graduate school classes. I know I struggled a great deal that first semester but I survived. I made it through.
But when I really stop to think about it, perhaps things weren't doing as well as I thought. I guess I just tried to not think about it so much. Things were certainly stressful for me my first semester. Graduate school was a whole new experience for me. It was a lot more involved and while I knew it was going to be, it still was different when you actually experience it.
I guess it was really around this time that I would say that perhaps I really started struggling with mental health issues. However, I guess because I was so focused on my studies, I tended not to notice nearly as much. That and I attributed most of it to just the normal stress of grad school.
I thought I was happy or mostly happy. I did have moments of sadness but I thought it was just because I was stressed out. Now I'm wondering if these moments weren't early signs and I just didn't think much about them.
Spring 2011 semester started off a little better I thought. I felt that after successfully passing a semester's worth of grad classes, I was on my way. I still got stressed out but that's just how I tend to be. I tend to push myself to do well at things. Sometimes too much. Again there were moments of sadness but again, I didn't look into them that much.
Then The Incident happened and everything just seemed to fall apart after that. I feel like that was the breaking point for me. I was already stressed out from my college courses and was missing my old life in Oklahoma a bit; I was basically finally grieving for what I left behind. Not to mention, I was starting to feel lonely. Then to have that added on top of everything.
I think that was when I really hit rock bottom or at least I felt like I had. I wasn't happy. I felt like gray clouds were hanging over me. I knew I needed help and went and sought counseling on the University campus. I honestly remember taking an online depression screening around this time just because I was a bit curious to see what the results would be. But it turned out negative for depression and so I didn't think too much about it.
I returned to the Student Counseling Center in Fall 2011 because I felt like I needed to return. I felt that I still needed help. It was during this time that I was referred to the Psychology Clinic.
All this information has been mentioned previously. So I'm just basically repeating it again.
However, throughout my entire 2.5 years in Denton, I can honestly say that I don't feel like I was ever really happy there. I'd say that that moving there in Fall 2010 was the beginning of my depression although I didn't recognize it at first or even think about it.
Looking back on it now after being officially diagnosed, I can see that I was never really happy. I don't think I ever really recovered from the disappointment and chaos and then to have other things added on top of that. It's almost not too surprising that I have been diagnosed with depression.
I feel like I've really only been suffering with true depression since last year; the beginning of Fall 2012 semester. At least that's when it really seemed to hit me. I know I was unhappy. I just felt so much unexplained sadness and just was really struggling. I was miserable.
However, I went undiagnosed (as far as I know) until recently. I'm not blaming my therapists or anything but I just wonder why it took so long. Although (and I've mentioned this before), I felt like my last therapist was close to diagnosing me and would have but we ran out of time. At one of our last couple of sessions, she asked me questions that I know are used to diagnose depression. She was also extremely concerned about me finding another therapist when I moved back home.
Basically, I'm sure I would still have been diagnosed at some point especially since I honestly feel like I've been suffering for so long. I'd say at least 2 years although I didn't really feel like I was suffering from depression until last year. Also with the amount of counseling/therapy I've had and with little improvement in the way things are in my life, things are obviously aren't that simple.
So I have depression and when I think back on it, I've been suffering with it for quite some time.
But at least I sought help before it got any worse. Hopefully, I was able to catch it early enough before it got too extreme. From what I can tell, it was already pretty bad but at least now I don't have to suffer too much longer.
Now I'm on my way to getting better. Depression is complicated. I may have some idea of when it began. But who really knows how long I've been suffering from it?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Medication
So today I took my first dose of antidepressant and I'll admit that I was quite nervous about taking it. But I've taken it and hopefully once I start adjusting to it, things will start to improve.
Let me backtrack a bit and explain how I got here.
At my therapy session earlier this week,Tuesday, my therapist suggested that I might need to be put on medication for my depression and anxiety. She recommended I see my regular doctor and ask her about it. Telling my doctor that I was in counseling and my therapist felt it might help with my anxiety and depression.
At our first session, we had talked about the possibility of me having depression. I told her all these things I'd been feeling and she asked me questions. It was at that first session that she pretty much confirmed that I did have depression. Then at our next session, we talked some more and I'm pretty sure some of the things I told her just added to her confirmation.
It was at our session this week that she recommended I try medicine. So my doctor prescribed some medicine for me.
My therapist also suggested I try drinking some calming hot teas to help me with my anxiety. So I'm also doing that to help.
I'm now on medicine and of course it's going to take some time to kick in. However, I do feel a little bit different right now. Maybe it's already working a little bit? Possibly?
Anyways, it probably doesn't help that right now, I'm on a few other medicines as I currently have a sinus infection and am taking medicine for that.
I just hope this medicine will help. It's not that I'm against taking medicine for my mental health issues, I just didn't think I was that bad to where I needed medicine.
However, if my therapist thinks it'll help then I'll take it. I feel she has my health and best interests in mind. I trust her. She knows that people don't like the idea of medicine and I know she wouldn't suggest it if she honestly didn't think it would help me.
Another thing she told me was that sometimes just counseling doesn't always work. Sometimes people need more help and that's where medication comes in. She doesn't suggest it for everyone but just for some people.
Considering how long I've been in therapy, despite it being off and on and with different therapists, it does seem like I need something more than just counseling. Things have improved since I first started going to counseling but not much.
Obviously my mental health issues are not getting better with just counseling. There's something more to them. My mental health issues are more complex than I realized.
I certainly need something though and if medicine is going to help, then I'm ok with it. Not that it makes it any easier knowing that to feel at ease taking it.
I mean, I take another medicine to help with another medical issue but this is different. Sorta. It's supposed to help me with my anxiety and I'm a bit anxious about taking it. I guess it's just because it's new and I guess for what's it for.
Perhaps it's something to do with the stigma of the whole idea of taking medicine for mental health. I don't know if that has anything to do with some anxiety I have about taking it.
Whatever the reason though, I'm still going to take the medicine and hopefully it's going to help. I need something to help me that's for sure. Counseling itself can only help so much.
Let me backtrack a bit and explain how I got here.
At my therapy session earlier this week,Tuesday, my therapist suggested that I might need to be put on medication for my depression and anxiety. She recommended I see my regular doctor and ask her about it. Telling my doctor that I was in counseling and my therapist felt it might help with my anxiety and depression.
At our first session, we had talked about the possibility of me having depression. I told her all these things I'd been feeling and she asked me questions. It was at that first session that she pretty much confirmed that I did have depression. Then at our next session, we talked some more and I'm pretty sure some of the things I told her just added to her confirmation.
It was at our session this week that she recommended I try medicine. So my doctor prescribed some medicine for me.
My therapist also suggested I try drinking some calming hot teas to help me with my anxiety. So I'm also doing that to help.
I'm now on medicine and of course it's going to take some time to kick in. However, I do feel a little bit different right now. Maybe it's already working a little bit? Possibly?
Anyways, it probably doesn't help that right now, I'm on a few other medicines as I currently have a sinus infection and am taking medicine for that.
I just hope this medicine will help. It's not that I'm against taking medicine for my mental health issues, I just didn't think I was that bad to where I needed medicine.
However, if my therapist thinks it'll help then I'll take it. I feel she has my health and best interests in mind. I trust her. She knows that people don't like the idea of medicine and I know she wouldn't suggest it if she honestly didn't think it would help me.
Another thing she told me was that sometimes just counseling doesn't always work. Sometimes people need more help and that's where medication comes in. She doesn't suggest it for everyone but just for some people.
Considering how long I've been in therapy, despite it being off and on and with different therapists, it does seem like I need something more than just counseling. Things have improved since I first started going to counseling but not much.
Obviously my mental health issues are not getting better with just counseling. There's something more to them. My mental health issues are more complex than I realized.
I certainly need something though and if medicine is going to help, then I'm ok with it. Not that it makes it any easier knowing that to feel at ease taking it.
I mean, I take another medicine to help with another medical issue but this is different. Sorta. It's supposed to help me with my anxiety and I'm a bit anxious about taking it. I guess it's just because it's new and I guess for what's it for.
Perhaps it's something to do with the stigma of the whole idea of taking medicine for mental health. I don't know if that has anything to do with some anxiety I have about taking it.
Whatever the reason though, I'm still going to take the medicine and hopefully it's going to help. I need something to help me that's for sure. Counseling itself can only help so much.
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