Ever since being officially diagnosed as having depression and anxiety, I can't help but think about where it really been began? How long have I really been struggling with this and why did it take so long for me to be officially diagnosed?
It can't be denied that I've been suffering with mental health issues for some time now. There's enough proof in my blog posts both here and on Tumblr to show this. Just rereading my posts, I can see that I haven't truly been happy in quite some time. I can see that I've been in a low point in my life for a long time and have slowly gotten worse as time has gone on.
To me, it seems as though I've been slowly getting worse over this past year. However, I know that I've been struggling for longer than that. Thinking about it, I feel like I've been struggling with possible depression at least as long as I first moved to Denton.
I've mentioned time and time again how I first sought counseling back in Fall 2009 for a nervous breakdown. But things were ok after that or at least they seemed to be ok until the chaos happened during my graduation week in May 2010.
I think that chaos plus moving to a whole new place and basically started over was just too much for me. I didn't have time to think or really grieve for everything that happened. But I really didn't focus too much on it either. At least not at first.
I was too busy trying to settle myself in and focus on getting going with my graduate school classes. I know I struggled a great deal that first semester but I survived. I made it through.
But when I really stop to think about it, perhaps things weren't doing as well as I thought. I guess I just tried to not think about it so much. Things were certainly stressful for me my first semester. Graduate school was a whole new experience for me. It was a lot more involved and while I knew it was going to be, it still was different when you actually experience it.
I guess it was really around this time that I would say that perhaps I really started struggling with mental health issues. However, I guess because I was so focused on my studies, I tended not to notice nearly as much. That and I attributed most of it to just the normal stress of grad school.
I thought I was happy or mostly happy. I did have moments of sadness but I thought it was just because I was stressed out. Now I'm wondering if these moments weren't early signs and I just didn't think much about them.
Spring 2011 semester started off a little better I thought. I felt that after successfully passing a semester's worth of grad classes, I was on my way. I still got stressed out but that's just how I tend to be. I tend to push myself to do well at things. Sometimes too much. Again there were moments of sadness but again, I didn't look into them that much.
Then The Incident happened and everything just seemed to fall apart after that. I feel like that was the breaking point for me. I was already stressed out from my college courses and was missing my old life in Oklahoma a bit; I was basically finally grieving for what I left behind. Not to mention, I was starting to feel lonely. Then to have that added on top of everything.
I think that was when I really hit rock bottom or at least I felt like I had. I wasn't happy. I felt like gray clouds were hanging over me. I knew I needed help and went and sought counseling on the University campus. I honestly remember taking an online depression screening around this time just because I was a bit curious to see what the results would be. But it turned out negative for depression and so I didn't think too much about it.
I returned to the Student Counseling Center in Fall 2011 because I felt like I needed to return. I felt that I still needed help. It was during this time that I was referred to the Psychology Clinic.
All this information has been mentioned previously. So I'm just basically repeating it again.
However, throughout my entire 2.5 years in Denton, I can honestly say that I don't feel like I was ever really happy there. I'd say that that moving there in Fall 2010 was the beginning of my depression although I didn't recognize it at first or even think about it.
Looking back on it now after being officially diagnosed, I can see that I was never really happy. I don't think I ever really recovered from the disappointment and chaos and then to have other things added on top of that. It's almost not too surprising that I have been diagnosed with depression.
I feel like I've really only been suffering with true depression since last year; the beginning of Fall 2012 semester. At least that's when it really seemed to hit me. I know I was unhappy. I just felt so much unexplained sadness and just was really struggling. I was miserable.
However, I went undiagnosed (as far as I know) until recently. I'm not blaming my therapists or anything but I just wonder why it took so long. Although (and I've mentioned this before), I felt like my last therapist was close to diagnosing me and would have but we ran out of time. At one of our last couple of sessions, she asked me questions that I know are used to diagnose depression. She was also extremely concerned about me finding another therapist when I moved back home.
Basically, I'm sure I would still have been diagnosed at some point especially since I honestly feel like I've been suffering for so long. I'd say at least 2 years although I didn't really feel like I was suffering from depression until last year. Also with the amount of counseling/therapy I've had and with little improvement in the way things are in my life, things are obviously aren't that simple.
So I have depression and when I think back on it, I've been suffering with it for quite some time.
But at least I sought help before it got any worse. Hopefully, I was able to catch it early enough before it got too extreme. From what I can tell, it was already pretty bad but at least now I don't have to suffer too much longer.
Now I'm on my way to getting better. Depression is complicated. I may have some idea of when it began. But who really knows how long I've been suffering from it?
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