Lately I've noticed I'm blogging a lot more than I used to. I don't know if it's a way for dealing with everything going on in my life or if it's in response to me feeling better about being honest with myself thanks to counseling. Maybe it's both. I'd like to think that counseling has helped get me to write again whether it be actual writing in a notebook or just blogging.
For me, writing is a bit of a therapy. It helps me express how I'm feeling. I feel as though sometimes I can better express myself with words on paper rather than out loud. It helps me make sense of everything that's going on. It helps me remember things both good and bad. It allows me to see how I've changed or not.
Writing is a form of coping for me too and it seems as though that's one of the reasons I've been writing a lot more lately. I'm coping. Coping with a variety of things. Writing as a form of coping isn't something that's new to me.
When I had problems in 8th and 9th grade with my friends and such, I used writing to get through it all. I wrote a lot of poetry because I felt that it was the best way for me to express my feelings.things were rough and as a bit of an angst y teen, writing poetry was a way to cope. It was also just fascinating to me. I discovered that I was good at writing poetry when I was in 7th grade. It seemed to be the perfect form of expression for me and it was and still is sometimes.
I guess I've really always just liked to write. I've been told I'm good at it too by numerous people: family, friends, and teachers/professors. I just have that ability to express myself in words.
I fear that sometimes I write too much especially when it comes to journaling or blog posts. I can't seem to help it. Whenever I write, I get into it and can't seem to stop myself. It's a thrill for me to write. It's a way for me to share my thoughts and feelings with others.
Writing calms me. Sometimes I get emotional writing about things but that's what makes it so wonderful. Writing truly is a wonderful thing.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Social Anxiety and other problems
I was going to include this list in my posting on counseling but the other post turned out to be quite long enough on it's own (when I write, I really write). So I decided to split it up.
I've already admitted that I have problems and that I'm hopefully on the way to fixing them. By all means, these are the only problems I've had. I've had and still have others. Some have been fixed and other haven't. Some have appeared now that others are out of the way. In some way, many are related both to past and current problems.
Current problems:
Fear of bugs/roaches
I have an extreme fear that seems to have gotten worse since I moved here to Denton. It's not a new fear by all means. I've had this fear for a long time. I just haven't had to deal with it much on my own until I moved out on my own. I think I was spoiled in Oklahoma because I rarely had any problems. Now I've seen so many and have had episodes where I've freaked out so much that I couldn't sleep. My fear is extreme because I cry and scream hysterically. I get sweaty and hot and my heart beats so fast. I of
run away and sometimes get all shaky. My fear has kept me awake a couple of times at night because I saw them. I can't even stand the sight of dead ones. I can't even get near them to kill them or pick them up. It's that bad. It's gotten to the point though that I have to learn to deal with them. I need something to help me overcome this fear.
Social Anxiety
I have mentioned this before I think. I've finally starting admitting this to myself just recently. It makes sense. I avoid social situations a lot of times. I don't like it. It's such that I can't even introduce myself to some new neighbors of mine. They moved in over the summer and live in the apartment next to mine.All I know is that they are students and are supposedly from Africa. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my parents and now they won't stop pestering me to go introduce myself. They can't understand why it's so hard for me. I want to be more social able but I feel I can't be. Social situations make me uncomfortable and I'd just rather avoid them.
Lack of motivation for classes/ procrastinating
This is a fairly new problem. The procrastinating isn't new by all means but it seems to be part of the problem. This semester I've just not been motivated to get going with my classes. I haven't really made any effort to work on my assignments or anything. When I finally do work on my assignments, it's almost too late. Basically I procrastinate because I just don't have the motivation to do them early enough. I don't seem to want to do them. It's not like my classes aren't interesting to me or anything. It's just that I don't seem to want to get back into them or something. This is a new problem. I don't know what's going on. I've had times where I waited too long to do assignments but I managed to get them done. Now I don't seem to care to get them done or even get started on them. I have a 15 page maximum paper due on Tuesday which involves some researching. Have I started on it? Nope. I've barely looked at the assignment instructions. I really don't know what's going on with me. I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. Regardless, I need to get this problem fixed soon or I risk almost failing this semester.
Incident with neighbor
While this issue has been dealt with last semester, it's still a lingering problem. There's still some things I need to deal with. It's not as bad as it was last semester but I still have unfinished business with the problem. It's not going to go away anytime soon. What happened traumatized me. It still has an effect on me and my current living situation. I'm still worried about being seen by him. I shut myself away in my apartment and limit my ventures outsides whenever the neighbor is around. So yes, there is still some things that need to be dealt with regarding this issue.
These are the issues I have presented to my counselor this time. These are the things I want/need to work on. Hopefully, I can get help for these and start working them out. I know it's not going to be easy and it'll take some time. I don't know if my counselor will be able to help me out with all of them but hopefully he'll be able to find someone who can even it means long-term counseling.
I'm at least admitting I have these problems and I am ready to do something about them. Admitting my problems is just the first step.
I've already admitted that I have problems and that I'm hopefully on the way to fixing them. By all means, these are the only problems I've had. I've had and still have others. Some have been fixed and other haven't. Some have appeared now that others are out of the way. In some way, many are related both to past and current problems.
Current problems:
Fear of bugs/roaches
I have an extreme fear that seems to have gotten worse since I moved here to Denton. It's not a new fear by all means. I've had this fear for a long time. I just haven't had to deal with it much on my own until I moved out on my own. I think I was spoiled in Oklahoma because I rarely had any problems. Now I've seen so many and have had episodes where I've freaked out so much that I couldn't sleep. My fear is extreme because I cry and scream hysterically. I get sweaty and hot and my heart beats so fast. I of
run away and sometimes get all shaky. My fear has kept me awake a couple of times at night because I saw them. I can't even stand the sight of dead ones. I can't even get near them to kill them or pick them up. It's that bad. It's gotten to the point though that I have to learn to deal with them. I need something to help me overcome this fear.
Social Anxiety
I have mentioned this before I think. I've finally starting admitting this to myself just recently. It makes sense. I avoid social situations a lot of times. I don't like it. It's such that I can't even introduce myself to some new neighbors of mine. They moved in over the summer and live in the apartment next to mine.All I know is that they are students and are supposedly from Africa. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my parents and now they won't stop pestering me to go introduce myself. They can't understand why it's so hard for me. I want to be more social able but I feel I can't be. Social situations make me uncomfortable and I'd just rather avoid them.
Lack of motivation for classes/ procrastinating
This is a fairly new problem. The procrastinating isn't new by all means but it seems to be part of the problem. This semester I've just not been motivated to get going with my classes. I haven't really made any effort to work on my assignments or anything. When I finally do work on my assignments, it's almost too late. Basically I procrastinate because I just don't have the motivation to do them early enough. I don't seem to want to do them. It's not like my classes aren't interesting to me or anything. It's just that I don't seem to want to get back into them or something. This is a new problem. I don't know what's going on. I've had times where I waited too long to do assignments but I managed to get them done. Now I don't seem to care to get them done or even get started on them. I have a 15 page maximum paper due on Tuesday which involves some researching. Have I started on it? Nope. I've barely looked at the assignment instructions. I really don't know what's going on with me. I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. Regardless, I need to get this problem fixed soon or I risk almost failing this semester.
Incident with neighbor
While this issue has been dealt with last semester, it's still a lingering problem. There's still some things I need to deal with. It's not as bad as it was last semester but I still have unfinished business with the problem. It's not going to go away anytime soon. What happened traumatized me. It still has an effect on me and my current living situation. I'm still worried about being seen by him. I shut myself away in my apartment and limit my ventures outsides whenever the neighbor is around. So yes, there is still some things that need to be dealt with regarding this issue.
These are the issues I have presented to my counselor this time. These are the things I want/need to work on. Hopefully, I can get help for these and start working them out. I know it's not going to be easy and it'll take some time. I don't know if my counselor will be able to help me out with all of them but hopefully he'll be able to find someone who can even it means long-term counseling.
I'm at least admitting I have these problems and I am ready to do something about them. Admitting my problems is just the first step.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Counseling is amazing: My thoughts
So today I went to my first counseling session of the semester. Now I'm not having the same problems so much as I did last semester but there's still some things that need to be dealt with and worked out. Some of these problems are clearer for me now than they were. All are seemingly related to one another though.
I'm no longer feeling the gray clouds as I was last semester. Things really are better for me overall. Now that's not to say I'm completely feeling 100% better. While right now, I've felt better than I have in quite some time and actually right now I feel calm and happy. Things really haven't had a chance to get bad again yet. I'm not wanting to give it that chance either which is one of the reasons I'm getting help now. I'm trying to combat the problems before they get a chance to really hit me again. Which is why I'm seeking counseling when I am.
I have to say that I actually feel really good about my counselor right now. I think he is wonderful and is just the type of person I need. He's certainly different than the other counselors I've had before. He makes me think which is exactly what I do anyways but he makes me think more about myself. He says he yells at me but I don't see it that way. Sure he's more philosophical about things and gets excited by things but for me this works. I consider myself a thinker anyways.
At least for once I'm actually talking to a professional. Someone who actually has their degree already. That is what I think makes the difference. The last 2 times I've been in counseling, I've talked to graduate students working on their Ph D in the field. I hasn't mattered to me before because both grad students have helped me tremendously before. However, I feel that this time will be even better for me. I'm talking to someone who has had years of experience with this and can probably help me out a lot more. It's great.
Counseling for me has been extremely helpful. I've been only twice before. Once was back in Fall 2009 after I had a nervous breakdown after class one day. My breakdown was so bad that I actually got shaky and starting feeling lightheaded from hyperventilating so much. It was that moment when I knew I needed some help and I chose to seek it on my own.
Now that I think about it, I've had counseling back when I was in 8th grade. However, it was mostly when I needed mediation with my friends. Oddly enough, I was a peer mediator (I don't know how I was chosen for this) and yet I couldn't mediate things between my friends and I. Then again some of the friends were also peer mediators and were also part of the problems. In fact, I felt that I was in mediation more than I actually spent peer mediating. I think possibly there were a couple times I was actually in counseling to deal with my issues. Mostly though it was just dealing with my friendship troubles. Perhaps this is where my seeking counseling really began?
No one has ever forced me to seek counseling. It's always been my decision. I guess I'm not ashamed to know when I need help;When things get so much for me that I can't deal with it on my own and I'm struggling. Sure, I've been nervous to seek counseling and even talking to a counselor. Yet, I still have done it. I guess just knowing that they are they to listen and help me out is what makes the whole thing easier for me. This is actually somewhat uncharacteristic of me. I'm usually nervous when it comes to seeking help for things. Yet when it comes to counseling, I don't seem to have a problem. Even talking to a complete stranger in this case doesn't bother me. I'm not ashamed to admit that I need help (again somewhat uncharacteristic of me) at least when counseling is concerned.
For me it has been helpful especially when I have things I want to talk about but can't talk about with some people. It's helped me become a better person and feel better about myself. Of course it seems that different problems surface once others have been taken care of. However, maybe not. Perhaps all these problems I have are interlinked with one another. It's just when one is taken of another makes itself known.
Really though, counseling is amazing. It's not something anyone should be afraid of seeking if they need it. It really does help.
I'm no longer feeling the gray clouds as I was last semester. Things really are better for me overall. Now that's not to say I'm completely feeling 100% better. While right now, I've felt better than I have in quite some time and actually right now I feel calm and happy. Things really haven't had a chance to get bad again yet. I'm not wanting to give it that chance either which is one of the reasons I'm getting help now. I'm trying to combat the problems before they get a chance to really hit me again. Which is why I'm seeking counseling when I am.
I have to say that I actually feel really good about my counselor right now. I think he is wonderful and is just the type of person I need. He's certainly different than the other counselors I've had before. He makes me think which is exactly what I do anyways but he makes me think more about myself. He says he yells at me but I don't see it that way. Sure he's more philosophical about things and gets excited by things but for me this works. I consider myself a thinker anyways.
At least for once I'm actually talking to a professional. Someone who actually has their degree already. That is what I think makes the difference. The last 2 times I've been in counseling, I've talked to graduate students working on their Ph D in the field. I hasn't mattered to me before because both grad students have helped me tremendously before. However, I feel that this time will be even better for me. I'm talking to someone who has had years of experience with this and can probably help me out a lot more. It's great.
Counseling for me has been extremely helpful. I've been only twice before. Once was back in Fall 2009 after I had a nervous breakdown after class one day. My breakdown was so bad that I actually got shaky and starting feeling lightheaded from hyperventilating so much. It was that moment when I knew I needed some help and I chose to seek it on my own.
Now that I think about it, I've had counseling back when I was in 8th grade. However, it was mostly when I needed mediation with my friends. Oddly enough, I was a peer mediator (I don't know how I was chosen for this) and yet I couldn't mediate things between my friends and I. Then again some of the friends were also peer mediators and were also part of the problems. In fact, I felt that I was in mediation more than I actually spent peer mediating. I think possibly there were a couple times I was actually in counseling to deal with my issues. Mostly though it was just dealing with my friendship troubles. Perhaps this is where my seeking counseling really began?
No one has ever forced me to seek counseling. It's always been my decision. I guess I'm not ashamed to know when I need help;When things get so much for me that I can't deal with it on my own and I'm struggling. Sure, I've been nervous to seek counseling and even talking to a counselor. Yet, I still have done it. I guess just knowing that they are they to listen and help me out is what makes the whole thing easier for me. This is actually somewhat uncharacteristic of me. I'm usually nervous when it comes to seeking help for things. Yet when it comes to counseling, I don't seem to have a problem. Even talking to a complete stranger in this case doesn't bother me. I'm not ashamed to admit that I need help (again somewhat uncharacteristic of me) at least when counseling is concerned.
For me it has been helpful especially when I have things I want to talk about but can't talk about with some people. It's helped me become a better person and feel better about myself. Of course it seems that different problems surface once others have been taken care of. However, maybe not. Perhaps all these problems I have are interlinked with one another. It's just when one is taken of another makes itself known.
Really though, counseling is amazing. It's not something anyone should be afraid of seeking if they need it. It really does help.
A confession from 8th grade...
So I got to thinking about things tonight like I usually do late at night. Specifically I got to thinking about my problems since tomorrow morning, I'm going to go see a counselor and hopefully get something set in motion for me to start fixing things. (More on that later though)
I was looking at something on Tumblr which got me thinking. It was a sorting hat quiz and one of the questions for Slythein was "You have considered suicide". This got me thinking about something that happened in 8th grade for me. 8th grade for me was tough as far as friendships go. As I've stated numerous times previously, I've had trouble making friends. In 8th grade, I had "friends" but looking back now, they weren't really "friends". At the time though, they were my friends and I frequently was in the middle of fights between friends or ignored by them. My friends would share secrets with other friends and not tell me. They also played some cruel tricks on me. Like I said, I realize now that they weren't actually friends.
I had quite a few times where I felt down on myself. I turned to poetry a lot in 8th grade to deal with my emotions regarding my friendships. It certainly helped a lot although there were still times I felt down. It was during one of my fights with my friends that I hit a low point. I thought about what it would be like if I would just disappear. I felt invisible already as far as my group of friends was concerned and I figured it wouldn't make that much of a difference if I just suddenly was gone.
This was certainly worrying to my friends. They thought I might doing something crazy. Even back then, I never went as far as to consider suicide or anything like that. I knew I had family that loved me and people who truly cared about me. It was just a thought I would get whenever I felt lonely and ignored by my friends. I just wanted friends that I could truly trust and feel part of. That didn't really ever happen.
I have never really admitted that I thought this in 8th grade. Until now at least. Even now I worry about what it might make me seem like to others. It's scary to look at it now and realize that it might be a bad sign.
I'll admit that I still get in moods like this every once in awhile but I've never have been at the point to where I go too far. Quite honestly, I'm worried that I could take it too far. It scares me. I'm afraid to go that far.However, I have a support system that keeps me going. I have a family that loves and supports me no matter what. Especially my older brother who I can talk to about practically anything that I can't talk to my parents about. I also have found the most amazing friends to help me. I can talk to them and they help me out so much. For that I'm extremely grateful. I think it's because of this support system that I won't ever take it that far.
Thinking about this also make me think about things like the Trevor Project's Talk To Me Campaign and how I'm lucky to have people who I can talk to about my problems and they'll listen and I'll reciprocate.
It's a worrisome secret but I feel as though I needed to admit it. I truly am fine and I'm working out my problems with someone who can help.
I was looking at something on Tumblr which got me thinking. It was a sorting hat quiz and one of the questions for Slythein was "You have considered suicide". This got me thinking about something that happened in 8th grade for me. 8th grade for me was tough as far as friendships go. As I've stated numerous times previously, I've had trouble making friends. In 8th grade, I had "friends" but looking back now, they weren't really "friends". At the time though, they were my friends and I frequently was in the middle of fights between friends or ignored by them. My friends would share secrets with other friends and not tell me. They also played some cruel tricks on me. Like I said, I realize now that they weren't actually friends.
I had quite a few times where I felt down on myself. I turned to poetry a lot in 8th grade to deal with my emotions regarding my friendships. It certainly helped a lot although there were still times I felt down. It was during one of my fights with my friends that I hit a low point. I thought about what it would be like if I would just disappear. I felt invisible already as far as my group of friends was concerned and I figured it wouldn't make that much of a difference if I just suddenly was gone.
This was certainly worrying to my friends. They thought I might doing something crazy. Even back then, I never went as far as to consider suicide or anything like that. I knew I had family that loved me and people who truly cared about me. It was just a thought I would get whenever I felt lonely and ignored by my friends. I just wanted friends that I could truly trust and feel part of. That didn't really ever happen.
I have never really admitted that I thought this in 8th grade. Until now at least. Even now I worry about what it might make me seem like to others. It's scary to look at it now and realize that it might be a bad sign.
I'll admit that I still get in moods like this every once in awhile but I've never have been at the point to where I go too far. Quite honestly, I'm worried that I could take it too far. It scares me. I'm afraid to go that far.However, I have a support system that keeps me going. I have a family that loves and supports me no matter what. Especially my older brother who I can talk to about practically anything that I can't talk to my parents about. I also have found the most amazing friends to help me. I can talk to them and they help me out so much. For that I'm extremely grateful. I think it's because of this support system that I won't ever take it that far.
Thinking about this also make me think about things like the Trevor Project's Talk To Me Campaign and how I'm lucky to have people who I can talk to about my problems and they'll listen and I'll reciprocate.
It's a worrisome secret but I feel as though I needed to admit it. I truly am fine and I'm working out my problems with someone who can help.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
10 years ago..My memories of 9/11/2001
Today is a day of reflection. A day of reflecting on those lives that were lost on that fateful day, 10 years ago. A day of reflecting on what being an American truly means. A day to show our patriotism.
10 years ago. It doesn't seem possible. It's still just as sad today. The events are still just as real, as if they happened only recently. The sadness and tragedy of that day still in my mind. Those of us who witnessed that event will never forget.
My memories of that day, can be summed up in one word: Confusion.
Confusion about what was happening and confusion, apparently, over what exactly happened that day for me.
Summed up in a diary entry from a 13-year-old me 1 month after the events trying to make sense of it all, remembering..
I'm still confused over my memories of this day. In general, I remember where I was when I heard the news and generally what happened. As my diary entry says, I remember first hearing about what happened over the radio around 7AM MST which would have been 9AM EST. Which meant I couldn't have seen the plane actually hit or been in school when it hit. It must have been shortly after the 2nd plane hit that I heard the news. Perhaps I really only did see the footage and think I had actually witnessed. I was still at home though and perhaps the news was on and I saw what happened. The day was just a day of confusion anyways.
In honor of the 10th anniversary, my new college asked for written stories about that day as part of a tribute. The following is what I submitted by with edits by me after studying the timeline of the days events and figuring out where I was when they actually happened:
"I remember this day quite vividly. It started out another normal school day for me except that it didn't turn out to be just another school day. I was in 8th grade and was getting ready to walk to school when my mom called. She worked on Holloman Air Force base and was already at work. My dad answered the phone since he was still home. My dad also worked on base as a Elementary PE teacher and was sitting at our computer desk working on some things before he left for work. My mom told us to turn on the TV because something had happened in New York City to the Twin Towers. She was calling because the base was on lock down. No one was allowed in and that meant my dad wasn't going to be able to get in to work that day. I remember turning on the TV and just watching in confusion and shock. I didn't understand what was going on at the time. I vaguely remember finishing getting ready and then just standing there by the couch with my eyes fixed on the TV screen. My dad and I were just transfixed. I just remember he kept saying "Wow. That's terrible." in shock and disbelief. I remember looking at the clock and saying that I needed to get going. My dad said he'd take me since he couldn't get into work. I remember him leaving the TV on while he drove me to school. Since we didn't live that far away from the school, it didn't take that long for me to get there. He dropped me off and I remember walking outside to the table area where my friends were waiting. Already they were talking about what was happening though none of us really knew what was going on. [I also remember that during this conversation that someone mentioned the Pentagon being hit too] I remember it was during this conversation that one of the names of a 6th grader came up. I remember of my friends saying something about his stepfather being in one of the planes. We were still discussing when the bell rang and we headed in to our classrooms. The teachers had the TVs on the classrooms (We had them for our daily annoucements) and were watching the news coverage when we walked in. During homeroom (first hour for us), we just sat watching in shock. By now we all knew something serious was going on. We didn't do anything that morning except watch the news coverage. We were all watching the TV when we saw the plane hit the second tower. [It was actually the 1st tower collapsing that we saw] I remember all of us crying out in shock. I remember my teacher, Mr. Nohe crying "Oh my!"; a cry that was echoed up and down the hallway.[A repeat reaction when we saw the second tower collapse only even more terrifying and tragic]. I remember the teachers gathering in the hallways just talking in shock ;teachers flitting in and out of the classrooms. The whole day was just more shock and confusion. Throughout the whole day, we listened to most of the news coverage in almost every classroom. Teachers tried to proceed with the normal planned lessons but I remember we didn't accomplish a whole lot. Throughout the day, many students were also signed out. I was an office aide during 3rd hour and remember taking many sign out slips to classrooms that day. At lunch that day, my friends and I discussed what was going on. That afternoon was pretty much the same as the morning. The teachers tried to go on with the days lessons as normally as they possibly could. It was almost like the rest of the day didn't matter. I remember sitting in 7th hour, my last class of the day, Communications,watching the news coverage when the towers collapsed [It was actually the 7 World Trade Center building that collapsed]. Again, gasps and shocked cries rang throughout the room and hallway. I don't remember much else of that day. I don't even remember if I walked home or not. I just remember going home and being with my family. I remember my mom calling her relatives and my brother to see how they were doing. No one we knew was personally in New York but because of what happened, people wanted their families. It was just a day where family became important. A day where our patriotism was tested and we fought back. I remember flags flying everywhere after that day. I remember writing a poem to express my feelings. I remember my middle school as a whole taking on a challenge to have the teachers doing something out of character for them (like a Bronco's fan wearing a Dallas Cowboys Jersey when he really didn't like them; teachers temprorily dying their hair, etc.) if we as a school raised enough money to donate to the relief fund (which we did). Life as we knew it was changed that day. Nothing would ever be the same. I will never forget that day."
And I haven't forgotten. It was a day that changed our lives forever. Things will never be the way they were before. The innocence we once had is gone.
September 11, 2001: We will never forget.
10 years ago. It doesn't seem possible. It's still just as sad today. The events are still just as real, as if they happened only recently. The sadness and tragedy of that day still in my mind. Those of us who witnessed that event will never forget.
My memories of that day, can be summed up in one word: Confusion.
Confusion about what was happening and confusion, apparently, over what exactly happened that day for me.
Summed up in a diary entry from a 13-year-old me 1 month after the events trying to make sense of it all, remembering..
I'm still confused over my memories of this day. In general, I remember where I was when I heard the news and generally what happened. As my diary entry says, I remember first hearing about what happened over the radio around 7AM MST which would have been 9AM EST. Which meant I couldn't have seen the plane actually hit or been in school when it hit. It must have been shortly after the 2nd plane hit that I heard the news. Perhaps I really only did see the footage and think I had actually witnessed. I was still at home though and perhaps the news was on and I saw what happened. The day was just a day of confusion anyways.
In honor of the 10th anniversary, my new college asked for written stories about that day as part of a tribute. The following is what I submitted by with edits by me after studying the timeline of the days events and figuring out where I was when they actually happened:
"I remember this day quite vividly. It started out another normal school day for me except that it didn't turn out to be just another school day. I was in 8th grade and was getting ready to walk to school when my mom called. She worked on Holloman Air Force base and was already at work. My dad answered the phone since he was still home. My dad also worked on base as a Elementary PE teacher and was sitting at our computer desk working on some things before he left for work. My mom told us to turn on the TV because something had happened in New York City to the Twin Towers. She was calling because the base was on lock down. No one was allowed in and that meant my dad wasn't going to be able to get in to work that day. I remember turning on the TV and just watching in confusion and shock. I didn't understand what was going on at the time. I vaguely remember finishing getting ready and then just standing there by the couch with my eyes fixed on the TV screen. My dad and I were just transfixed. I just remember he kept saying "Wow. That's terrible." in shock and disbelief. I remember looking at the clock and saying that I needed to get going. My dad said he'd take me since he couldn't get into work. I remember him leaving the TV on while he drove me to school. Since we didn't live that far away from the school, it didn't take that long for me to get there. He dropped me off and I remember walking outside to the table area where my friends were waiting. Already they were talking about what was happening though none of us really knew what was going on. [I also remember that during this conversation that someone mentioned the Pentagon being hit too] I remember it was during this conversation that one of the names of a 6th grader came up. I remember of my friends saying something about his stepfather being in one of the planes. We were still discussing when the bell rang and we headed in to our classrooms. The teachers had the TVs on the classrooms (We had them for our daily annoucements) and were watching the news coverage when we walked in. During homeroom (first hour for us), we just sat watching in shock. By now we all knew something serious was going on. We didn't do anything that morning except watch the news coverage. We were all watching the TV when we saw the plane hit the second tower. [It was actually the 1st tower collapsing that we saw] I remember all of us crying out in shock. I remember my teacher, Mr. Nohe crying "Oh my!"; a cry that was echoed up and down the hallway.[A repeat reaction when we saw the second tower collapse only even more terrifying and tragic]. I remember the teachers gathering in the hallways just talking in shock ;teachers flitting in and out of the classrooms. The whole day was just more shock and confusion. Throughout the whole day, we listened to most of the news coverage in almost every classroom. Teachers tried to proceed with the normal planned lessons but I remember we didn't accomplish a whole lot. Throughout the day, many students were also signed out. I was an office aide during 3rd hour and remember taking many sign out slips to classrooms that day. At lunch that day, my friends and I discussed what was going on. That afternoon was pretty much the same as the morning. The teachers tried to go on with the days lessons as normally as they possibly could. It was almost like the rest of the day didn't matter. I remember sitting in 7th hour, my last class of the day, Communications,watching the news coverage when the towers collapsed [It was actually the 7 World Trade Center building that collapsed]. Again, gasps and shocked cries rang throughout the room and hallway. I don't remember much else of that day. I don't even remember if I walked home or not. I just remember going home and being with my family. I remember my mom calling her relatives and my brother to see how they were doing. No one we knew was personally in New York but because of what happened, people wanted their families. It was just a day where family became important. A day where our patriotism was tested and we fought back. I remember flags flying everywhere after that day. I remember writing a poem to express my feelings. I remember my middle school as a whole taking on a challenge to have the teachers doing something out of character for them (like a Bronco's fan wearing a Dallas Cowboys Jersey when he really didn't like them; teachers temprorily dying their hair, etc.) if we as a school raised enough money to donate to the relief fund (which we did). Life as we knew it was changed that day. Nothing would ever be the same. I will never forget that day."
And I haven't forgotten. It was a day that changed our lives forever. Things will never be the way they were before. The innocence we once had is gone.
September 11, 2001: We will never forget.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Religious
I don't know why I'm thinking about this but I am. I actually was thinking about it after church Saturday evening but since my Internet was down, I couldn't write about it. That and I already had another topic I wanted to blog about.
I find it interesting how even though I am no longer obligated by my parents to go to church regularly, I still do. When I was younger, I didn't have a choice.
I have never really considered myself to be an overly religious type of person and I still am not. I guess I would say I'm religious but not to the point where I shove my beliefs down people's throats or anything like that. I would say I'm average as far as my religion goes.
I guess I am religious enough. I participated it a lot church activities growing up. Of course, again, many were because of my parents. I went to Sunday school and Vacation Bible School and participated in the Easter Egg hunts and stuff like that. But even as a teen, I participated in many things. I was an Alter Server from the day I made First Communion until my Senior year of high school. I participated in the Youth Choir both singing and playing piano. I was also the piano player and assistant for the children's choir.
Really I was pretty active as far as church activities were concerned but I'm not entirely sure why. I mean my brother was raised in the same household as I was and in the same religion. He went to Sunday school too and was also an Alter Server (part of the reason I became one), yet he isn't into his religion as much as I am. I still go to church pretty regularly and participate in church activities. I guess part of the reason I am involved now is because I got more involved with my church in Stillwater. I went to the church and participated in activities as a way to meet people. They also offered quite a few activities for college students. I loved it. Perhaps that's when it really began. I would go to church on Sunday evenings to the Student Mass partly because afterwards their was usually a meal for the students. While it certainly wasn't the only reason I went to church regularly, it did help. It was great because I got to know people that went every week and I eventually became one of the regulars. That led to me going to other activities as well such as retreats or conferences.
I loved it. While I'm no longer in Stillwater, I'm still trying to participate in church activities here in Denton. It hasn't been as easy though.
Sometimes I don't know why I still go to church when I'm no longer being forced to. I respect my religion and everything. It's what I believe. Yet, sometimes I still think why I'm going when I don't necessarily have to go. Honestly, some days I just don't feel like going to church yet I force myself to go. But there are some days that I end up not going simple for the same reasoning.
I guess I really am fairly religious after all though I don't always claim to be.
I find it interesting how even though I am no longer obligated by my parents to go to church regularly, I still do. When I was younger, I didn't have a choice.
I have never really considered myself to be an overly religious type of person and I still am not. I guess I would say I'm religious but not to the point where I shove my beliefs down people's throats or anything like that. I would say I'm average as far as my religion goes.
I guess I am religious enough. I participated it a lot church activities growing up. Of course, again, many were because of my parents. I went to Sunday school and Vacation Bible School and participated in the Easter Egg hunts and stuff like that. But even as a teen, I participated in many things. I was an Alter Server from the day I made First Communion until my Senior year of high school. I participated in the Youth Choir both singing and playing piano. I was also the piano player and assistant for the children's choir.
Really I was pretty active as far as church activities were concerned but I'm not entirely sure why. I mean my brother was raised in the same household as I was and in the same religion. He went to Sunday school too and was also an Alter Server (part of the reason I became one), yet he isn't into his religion as much as I am. I still go to church pretty regularly and participate in church activities. I guess part of the reason I am involved now is because I got more involved with my church in Stillwater. I went to the church and participated in activities as a way to meet people. They also offered quite a few activities for college students. I loved it. Perhaps that's when it really began. I would go to church on Sunday evenings to the Student Mass partly because afterwards their was usually a meal for the students. While it certainly wasn't the only reason I went to church regularly, it did help. It was great because I got to know people that went every week and I eventually became one of the regulars. That led to me going to other activities as well such as retreats or conferences.
I loved it. While I'm no longer in Stillwater, I'm still trying to participate in church activities here in Denton. It hasn't been as easy though.
Sometimes I don't know why I still go to church when I'm no longer being forced to. I respect my religion and everything. It's what I believe. Yet, sometimes I still think why I'm going when I don't necessarily have to go. Honestly, some days I just don't feel like going to church yet I force myself to go. But there are some days that I end up not going simple for the same reasoning.
I guess I really am fairly religious after all though I don't always claim to be.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Pottermore
Last night was like Christmas for me, an avid Harry Potter fan. Why? Because last night, I FINALLY got my Pottermore email! YAY!! I finally got my Hogwarts letter!! Ever since the Magical Quill challenge, I have been waiting. I've been waiting so long that I was starting to think I never would get it. Lots of people I knew, not to mention some family members had already received their emails and had been sorted. It was getting annoying listening to people talk about it and it just made me more and more impatient and frustrated.
This article pretty much sums up how I was feeling: http://kotaku.com/5834136/an-open-letter-to-team-pottermore
I'd been following the official twitter and everytime they would update saying they'd sent out welcome emails, I would eagerly check my email and....nothing. I had pretty much taking to complaining on social media sites on a regular basis (sorry about that). I was hoping that I would at least get my email by September 1st in order to make the Hogwarts Express. Well that certainly didn't happen and I missed the train ride. But I still didn't give up. Friday another tweet update: More emails sent out. I was a bit more hopeful this time that I might be getting my email soon. A few days ago, a few people that had signed up on Day 2 of the Magical Quill challenge had said they had received their emails. Since I had also signed up on Day 2, this was good news for me. Prior to that, I'd only heard about people getting in that had signed up on Day 1, although a few people that signed up on Day 2 said they had received their emails long ago. Still it gave me more hope.
When the tweet came out, checked my email AND.....nothing. I was upset and literally gave up at this point. I went about my day. Saturday was just another day. My brother and his family called me throughout the day because they were visiting our parents for the Labor Day weekend. Of course, being my brother, he kept pestering me about getting my email which I still hadn't. I checked my email again thinking that maybe it would be there. I was already aware that it might take awhile for the emails to show up in inboxes so I was still hopeful. Again, nothing and I went on with my day.
Sunday evening comes around. I'm browsing the Internet like normal and was on Tumblr. I noticed a few people posting messages saying that they had recieved their emails. Again that little flicker of hope. I realized that I hadn't checked my email that day and figured I would go ahead and check. I really wasn't expecting anything. I just figured, I'd check but wasn't counting on getting an email. Well, I checked my email, saw I had some new messages...Nothing too exciting.....Wait? What's that? OMG! MY POTTERMORE EMAIL HAD FINALLY ARRIVED! *cue epic happy dance and excited screaming*
I immediately updated my social media sites and text my family members. I was just so excited!! I couldn't believe that I had finally got my email. It was the most amazing feeling ever! I finally calmed down enough to sign in and get started with things. I got my Hogwarts hat (that my cousin's made for our Harry Potter weekend) and put it on and got out my wand. Clicked on the first chapter and started my journey! It was amazing even for Beta. I made my way through the chapters and finally reached Diagon Alley and Ollivanders. Answered the questions and got my wand: Sycamore with Phoenix Feather, 10 inches. I was happy and even more so when I read the exclusive content on wand cores, wand lengths, and wand woods. So interesting how a wand tells so much about. someones personality. Mine fits me so perfectly!
"The wand chooses the witch or wizard"
Wand acquired, my trunk packed and ready (you acually buy school stuff including a pet; I chose an owl), I was ready for my journey to Howarts on the Hogwarts Express. I finally reached the Sorting Hat chapter. This was it. The moment I had been waiting for. I was finally going to see which I truly belonged to. Answered the questions as honestly as I could and the sorting hat said I belonged in: HUFFLEPUFF! I was shocked. Truly shocked. I have nothing against Hufflepuff. I just never saw myself as being one. I had always thought Ravenclaw or Gryffindor since I thought of myself being a lot like Hermione. I even thought a combination of the houses:a Gryffinclaw. Slythrin was never an option for me. It just wasn't the house for me at all. But Hufflepuff? Really?
After the initial shock though and after reading the welcome message and the description, I realized that Hufflepuff truly fits who I am. I'm a proud Hufflepuff now and have already become a bit obsessed about it. What makes it nicer is that my older brother and I are in the same house. He got Hufflepuff too. Same reaction I had too but we're both fine with it now. We both realize that it fits us. My nephew got Gryffindor and I'll admit that I'm a little jealous about that but not that much.
I still think that when Pottermore offically opens, I might make a new account and try for a new house but only for experimental purposes. I just want to see if I get the same house again or not. I'm just that type of person. I really am happy with my placement now. That's not to say that I won't still claim to be a Gryffinclaw (though more Ravenpuff now I would think; still think I have a lot of Ravenclaw tendencies). I still will but now I will also claim to be a Hufflepuff and be proud when I do.
Thanks to Hypercam software, I was able to record my computer desktop and most of my journey. Most importantly the sorting and wand choosing. I also recorded my reactions using my regular camera. Hopefully I will be getting that footage edited and uploaded soon.
So that's my journey! I'm no longer a muggle!! :)
"Who has two thumbs and is a Hufflepuff? I'm a Hufflepuff"
This article pretty much sums up how I was feeling: http://kotaku.com/5834136/an-open-letter-to-team-pottermore
I'd been following the official twitter and everytime they would update saying they'd sent out welcome emails, I would eagerly check my email and....nothing. I had pretty much taking to complaining on social media sites on a regular basis (sorry about that). I was hoping that I would at least get my email by September 1st in order to make the Hogwarts Express. Well that certainly didn't happen and I missed the train ride. But I still didn't give up. Friday another tweet update: More emails sent out. I was a bit more hopeful this time that I might be getting my email soon. A few days ago, a few people that had signed up on Day 2 of the Magical Quill challenge had said they had received their emails. Since I had also signed up on Day 2, this was good news for me. Prior to that, I'd only heard about people getting in that had signed up on Day 1, although a few people that signed up on Day 2 said they had received their emails long ago. Still it gave me more hope.
When the tweet came out, checked my email AND.....nothing. I was upset and literally gave up at this point. I went about my day. Saturday was just another day. My brother and his family called me throughout the day because they were visiting our parents for the Labor Day weekend. Of course, being my brother, he kept pestering me about getting my email which I still hadn't. I checked my email again thinking that maybe it would be there. I was already aware that it might take awhile for the emails to show up in inboxes so I was still hopeful. Again, nothing and I went on with my day.
Sunday evening comes around. I'm browsing the Internet like normal and was on Tumblr. I noticed a few people posting messages saying that they had recieved their emails. Again that little flicker of hope. I realized that I hadn't checked my email that day and figured I would go ahead and check. I really wasn't expecting anything. I just figured, I'd check but wasn't counting on getting an email. Well, I checked my email, saw I had some new messages...Nothing too exciting.....Wait? What's that? OMG! MY POTTERMORE EMAIL HAD FINALLY ARRIVED! *cue epic happy dance and excited screaming*
I immediately updated my social media sites and text my family members. I was just so excited!! I couldn't believe that I had finally got my email. It was the most amazing feeling ever! I finally calmed down enough to sign in and get started with things. I got my Hogwarts hat (that my cousin's made for our Harry Potter weekend) and put it on and got out my wand. Clicked on the first chapter and started my journey! It was amazing even for Beta. I made my way through the chapters and finally reached Diagon Alley and Ollivanders. Answered the questions and got my wand: Sycamore with Phoenix Feather, 10 inches. I was happy and even more so when I read the exclusive content on wand cores, wand lengths, and wand woods. So interesting how a wand tells so much about. someones personality. Mine fits me so perfectly!
"The wand chooses the witch or wizard"
Wand acquired, my trunk packed and ready (you acually buy school stuff including a pet; I chose an owl), I was ready for my journey to Howarts on the Hogwarts Express. I finally reached the Sorting Hat chapter. This was it. The moment I had been waiting for. I was finally going to see which I truly belonged to. Answered the questions as honestly as I could and the sorting hat said I belonged in: HUFFLEPUFF! I was shocked. Truly shocked. I have nothing against Hufflepuff. I just never saw myself as being one. I had always thought Ravenclaw or Gryffindor since I thought of myself being a lot like Hermione. I even thought a combination of the houses:a Gryffinclaw. Slythrin was never an option for me. It just wasn't the house for me at all. But Hufflepuff? Really?
After the initial shock though and after reading the welcome message and the description, I realized that Hufflepuff truly fits who I am. I'm a proud Hufflepuff now and have already become a bit obsessed about it. What makes it nicer is that my older brother and I are in the same house. He got Hufflepuff too. Same reaction I had too but we're both fine with it now. We both realize that it fits us. My nephew got Gryffindor and I'll admit that I'm a little jealous about that but not that much.
I still think that when Pottermore offically opens, I might make a new account and try for a new house but only for experimental purposes. I just want to see if I get the same house again or not. I'm just that type of person. I really am happy with my placement now. That's not to say that I won't still claim to be a Gryffinclaw (though more Ravenpuff now I would think; still think I have a lot of Ravenclaw tendencies). I still will but now I will also claim to be a Hufflepuff and be proud when I do.
Thanks to Hypercam software, I was able to record my computer desktop and most of my journey. Most importantly the sorting and wand choosing. I also recorded my reactions using my regular camera. Hopefully I will be getting that footage edited and uploaded soon.
So that's my journey! I'm no longer a muggle!! :)
"Who has two thumbs and is a Hufflepuff? I'm a Hufflepuff"
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