So I got to thinking about things tonight like I usually do late at night. Specifically I got to thinking about my problems since tomorrow morning, I'm going to go see a counselor and hopefully get something set in motion for me to start fixing things. (More on that later though)
I was looking at something on Tumblr which got me thinking. It was a sorting hat quiz and one of the questions for Slythein was "You have considered suicide". This got me thinking about something that happened in 8th grade for me. 8th grade for me was tough as far as friendships go. As I've stated numerous times previously, I've had trouble making friends. In 8th grade, I had "friends" but looking back now, they weren't really "friends". At the time though, they were my friends and I frequently was in the middle of fights between friends or ignored by them. My friends would share secrets with other friends and not tell me. They also played some cruel tricks on me. Like I said, I realize now that they weren't actually friends.
I had quite a few times where I felt down on myself. I turned to poetry a lot in 8th grade to deal with my emotions regarding my friendships. It certainly helped a lot although there were still times I felt down. It was during one of my fights with my friends that I hit a low point. I thought about what it would be like if I would just disappear. I felt invisible already as far as my group of friends was concerned and I figured it wouldn't make that much of a difference if I just suddenly was gone.
This was certainly worrying to my friends. They thought I might doing something crazy. Even back then, I never went as far as to consider suicide or anything like that. I knew I had family that loved me and people who truly cared about me. It was just a thought I would get whenever I felt lonely and ignored by my friends. I just wanted friends that I could truly trust and feel part of. That didn't really ever happen.
I have never really admitted that I thought this in 8th grade. Until now at least. Even now I worry about what it might make me seem like to others. It's scary to look at it now and realize that it might be a bad sign.
I'll admit that I still get in moods like this every once in awhile but I've never have been at the point to where I go too far. Quite honestly, I'm worried that I could take it too far. It scares me. I'm afraid to go that far.However, I have a support system that keeps me going. I have a family that loves and supports me no matter what. Especially my older brother who I can talk to about practically anything that I can't talk to my parents about. I also have found the most amazing friends to help me. I can talk to them and they help me out so much. For that I'm extremely grateful. I think it's because of this support system that I won't ever take it that far.
Thinking about this also make me think about things like the Trevor Project's Talk To Me Campaign and how I'm lucky to have people who I can talk to about my problems and they'll listen and I'll reciprocate.
It's a worrisome secret but I feel as though I needed to admit it. I truly am fine and I'm working out my problems with someone who can help.
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