I return to Denton in a little less than a week (Wednesday) and while I am missing my own place and my own bed, I am certainly not missing Denton itself.
I hate it there only because I don't have any friends there or know very many people. I have been there for over a year now and yet nothing has really changed. I know it's partly my fault for not being more out there. But as I've pointed out, there's reason why not.
What makes it worse is that now, the only neighbor I really knew and felt comfortable with is moving. Her family is still going to be in Denton but they will no longer be living in the complex. I knew this was coming eventually but still. She has 3 kids and it's only a 2 bedroom apartment. My last bit of safety net protecting me from the neighbor is now leaving.
It's just making things more difficult for me. It makes me less wanting to go back. It adds to the complexity of my current issues.
"Imagine me complexly"
The thing that gets me is the fact that I miss material things. I miss things like my own bed (although I'll be getting a new one when I get back. I'm overdue for a new bed) and really the idea of my own place.
I don't really miss the idea of being alone all the time and not being with my family. In a way I guess, I don't miss being a grown up. And yet part of me still does.
Things are always less complicated and complex when I'm with people who love and care about me. Namely when I'm home with my family. Things seem clearer. But because I don't have this in Denton, I'm forced to cope with it myself and I'm no good at doing that.
I'm getting better certainly with some help but still, having to be the grown-up is proving to be difficult for me.
The thing is that I need a bit more of social life. I have friends and they are brilliant. I'm so grateful for them. But the thing is: They aren't in Denton with me. They live elsewhere (relatively nearby but yet still too far away). I can't just call them up to come over for a game or movie night. I need friends in Denton. I don't need a lot of friends but just someone I can confide in and give me a reason to go back to Denton so I can hang out with them again. Right now I don't have that.
I have nothing tying me to Denton. I have no reason to go back and visit once I've graduated, found a job, and moved away. It's a bit sad but it's the truth.
Most of the stuff I've talked about so far has been said in other posts before. It's not new. Which leads me to the main reason I wanted to blog. I've essentially fallen off the wagon. A few months ago, things happened with an old online friend of mine. Something I did upset this person and she blocked me and in turn I dropped her as well. I also dropped another person I'd been attempting to develop a friendship with (ironically the two people were roommates) Yet, I still secretly followed them online. Finally, after seeking help, I decided to let go. Let go of people who obviously didn't want to be friends with me.
Yet I still had urges to keep up with them and see what was happening in their lives through social media sites and I did. Finally, I decided to stop. What I was doing wasn't helping me let go and so I stopped. I still got twitches wanting me to check their twitters but I resisted. I just kept telling myself it didn't matter and for awhile it worked.
Several weeks have passed (almost a couple of months now actually) and I hadn't thought about them. But tonight, I failed. I started looking at things online; sites that I hadn't been to in awhile (Dailybooth), and once again, I started seeing what was going on. Then I got on here and found out some more things since they've both updated their blogs. So yes I still follow them on a couple of places but it doesn't matter (or it didn't). It didn't affect me until tonight.
Really the reason I talked to them in the first place is because we shared things in common plus they were both attending the same college and living in Denton. In other words, they were people who I thought I could make local friends with. Obviously it didn't work out. I envy their friendship. I've already stated this. I want a friend like they have in each other. That's probably why I've fallen off the wagon and have started taking an interest in their lives again.
I'm panicking at the thought of going back to a place where I have no friends. Part of me wants to attempt to make friends with them again simply because I want friends in Denton. It's simply because they ARE in Denton and I do know them a bit from online communication. I know this is why their lives are seemingly important to me again.
Yet at the same time, they aren't all that important to me anymore. Not like they used to be. Sure, I still read their blogs and such but it doesn't matter to me so much. At least not right now, but we'll see how that is upon my return to Denton. Being in the general vicinity might change things. I can almost say with certainty that I'll go away from the Internet tonight and not visit their blogs again for a long while again.
Do I consider this progress? I do. I don't care so much about them anymore. I've mostly moved on. I have other things to deal with.
Will I fall off the wagon again? Probably. It's going to take time. I can't deny that. Eventually I'll have moved on completely and they won't matter at all.
They'll just be another faded memory.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Monday, December 12, 2011
Confronting my fears again
Well it's official now. Tomorrow I'll be going to see a counselor again
and getting back into therapy while I'm still home. I'll admit that I'm
nervous a little bit. Ever since being home, things just haven't been
nearly as bad as they were when I was in Denton. While they certainly
haven't gone away, I just have been distracted to think about them so
much. For one thing, I'm surrounded by family. That's one thing that has been problematic for me. I've felt lonely and now I don't feel lonely. I've got people who love me and I feel happy because of it. There's just something about being with family that makes everything seem less stressful even when I'm still stressed over things.
Things certainly have been better since I've been home. It generally always is. I've had moments still don't get me wrong. Yet, for some reason, I've still been able to get through them a bit better than when I'm alone.
Truth be told though, I've thought about things since being home. The drive home certainly was difficult for me since my mom and I discussed some of the things going on. It was difficult and it's still difficult to talk about some of these things. Just because I've been going to therapy at the Psychology Clinic on campus and talking to someone it's still difficult. I've certainly made progress but it's going to take time. Especially since I seem to find other things to talk about. There are still some things that no matter how much I talk about it, will still be difficult to bring up. For instance, the incident. That'll take a long time to get over. I don't think I really ever will but hopefully it'll get easier to talk about.
I feel as though I've pretty much shoved things aside while I've been home. Just put them away to deal with later. I guarantee that they'd show back up when I return to Denton. Of course at least I have help to deal with them. However, I don't know if I'd be willing to wait that long. Wouldn't it be better to confront them before I have to?
Which is why I'm going to see this person tomorrow. It was my parent's suggestion. They found the person for me because they were concerned about me. I figured that it would be helpful to have someone here in my hometown to talk with as well.
It's a scary thought though. I'm going to be forced to confront the things that I've essentially run away from. I thought that once I'd left Denton for a short while, that I wouldn't really have to deal with things but now I'm going to have to. It's better for me to though. At least I hope it will be.
Things certainly have been better since I've been home. It generally always is. I've had moments still don't get me wrong. Yet, for some reason, I've still been able to get through them a bit better than when I'm alone.
Truth be told though, I've thought about things since being home. The drive home certainly was difficult for me since my mom and I discussed some of the things going on. It was difficult and it's still difficult to talk about some of these things. Just because I've been going to therapy at the Psychology Clinic on campus and talking to someone it's still difficult. I've certainly made progress but it's going to take time. Especially since I seem to find other things to talk about. There are still some things that no matter how much I talk about it, will still be difficult to bring up. For instance, the incident. That'll take a long time to get over. I don't think I really ever will but hopefully it'll get easier to talk about.
I feel as though I've pretty much shoved things aside while I've been home. Just put them away to deal with later. I guarantee that they'd show back up when I return to Denton. Of course at least I have help to deal with them. However, I don't know if I'd be willing to wait that long. Wouldn't it be better to confront them before I have to?
Which is why I'm going to see this person tomorrow. It was my parent's suggestion. They found the person for me because they were concerned about me. I figured that it would be helpful to have someone here in my hometown to talk with as well.
It's a scary thought though. I'm going to be forced to confront the things that I've essentially run away from. I thought that once I'd left Denton for a short while, that I wouldn't really have to deal with things but now I'm going to have to. It's better for me to though. At least I hope it will be.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Motivation returns
Ever since the beginning of the semester, I've had little to zero
motivation to do the work necessary for my classes. This has created
problems for me. Namely the fact that I totally spaced on a couple of
assignments for my School Library class and thus setting off a chain of
me struggling to keep up and feeling lost.
I have no idea why the motivation hasn't been there. This really is the first time something like this has happened to me. I'm usually more on top of my classwork and such but not this semester.
It could be that I'm just burned out. I've been taking classes practically non-stop since graduating high school. The only breaks I got were when I couldn't take classes because my degree program didn't offer them.
I took classes this past summer. A couple of classes. One was a very fast paced class in Maymester and the other was throughout the whole Summer session. My classes finished about a week before Fall semester began.
Maybe I'm just burnt out because I didn't get much of a break or something. I don't really know. Whatever the reason, it's taken until now for me to actually get motivated to do my classwork.I'm still not 100% motivated but I'm at least wanting to do my homework more and at least try to stay more on top of it.
Over the past week, I've actually had a stronger desire to actually do my work. There's still a strong desire to avoid doing the work (and specifically for my School Library class) but at least I'm doing it now.
Perhaps my therapy sessions have helped somewhat. The return of motivation seems to tie in with the beginning of my sessions. While we have mentioned finding strategies for helping me get more motivated we haven't actually discussed it much. Perhaps because my other problems are being dealt with I can put more focus into actually doing my work?
I have no idea why the motivation hasn't been there. This really is the first time something like this has happened to me. I'm usually more on top of my classwork and such but not this semester.
It could be that I'm just burned out. I've been taking classes practically non-stop since graduating high school. The only breaks I got were when I couldn't take classes because my degree program didn't offer them.
I took classes this past summer. A couple of classes. One was a very fast paced class in Maymester and the other was throughout the whole Summer session. My classes finished about a week before Fall semester began.
Maybe I'm just burnt out because I didn't get much of a break or something. I don't really know. Whatever the reason, it's taken until now for me to actually get motivated to do my classwork.I'm still not 100% motivated but I'm at least wanting to do my homework more and at least try to stay more on top of it.
Over the past week, I've actually had a stronger desire to actually do my work. There's still a strong desire to avoid doing the work (and specifically for my School Library class) but at least I'm doing it now.
Perhaps my therapy sessions have helped somewhat. The return of motivation seems to tie in with the beginning of my sessions. While we have mentioned finding strategies for helping me get more motivated we haven't actually discussed it much. Perhaps because my other problems are being dealt with I can put more focus into actually doing my work?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
A big mistake
This semester I'm taking a School Library class as one of my
electives. I thought it was good to expand knowledge about the different type of
libraries. Was I ever wrong.
It was such a big mistake taking this class. I regret it so much now. I’d rather quit now and save myself the pain. It’s too late now though. Not worth the trouble required to drop it at this point. I’d have to contact the professor who’d have to give me permission to drop. But then I’d have a big “WF” on my transcript forever. “WF” means Withdrawn/Failed. At this point, I’m not sure which would be worse: being free from the class and having the “WF” on my record or suffering through the class with the almost certainty of passing with a “C” and having to repeat the class (HECK NO) or taking another class. C’s aren’t good in grad school. B’s are ok but no C’s. I don’t know which is worth it anymore. My professor said that I was on track to get at least a B but I don’t feel like I am anymore. This is so stressful because up until this class I had a 4.0. Not anymore I’m afraid. I really don’t mind having a B but it’s slowly slipping away from me. Things aren't looking good. I don’t think my desire to quit a class has ever been this strong before now. I really do want to quit. I don’t know if it’s truly worth struggling through the rest of the semester when I really don’t know what’s going on. I read the textbooks and everything. I think it makes sense but then I get to the assignments themselves and I’m completely lost.
Sure my procrastinating makes it worse but even when I’ve managed to complete some assignments on time (which hasn’t been many at all), I’m still just as confused.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. It just seems that the longer I stay in the class, the worse it gets. The more lost I feel and the more frustrated I get. So far, every time I've gone to work on an assignment regardless of it's the day it's due or before, I've had an emotional breakdown because I simply don't understand what to do. I read the textbook, look at the resources, and yet still it doesn't seem clear to me and I have not a clue why it doesn't.
My professor has been both helpful and not. She at least talked to her student assistant who now keeps in contact with me to make sure I'm doing ok. But when I've asked other questions, she's made me feel like I'm an idiot.
It doesn't help that I got off to a bad start with the class in the first case. I did the first assignment but didn't completely understand it. But I didn't worry too much about it since it was only the first assignment. Sometimes that's how it is with first assignments. Once I start getting into more of the course material, I usually understand what's going on.
But then the unexpected happened. I totally spaced on the 2nd assignments. It was 2 of them and I just completely spaced on the deadline. I just didn't at what I had to get done and missed it completely. I've never done that before and felt so horrible about it. Well after missing those couple of assignments (and a discussion post), I was determined to not let that happen again.
I've tried. Honestly, I have. But I still just can't understand half of what's going on in the class. I just feel so incredibly stupid and I know that I'm not. I hate feeling this way.
I feel like an outsider with this class as well being that most of the others in the class are teachers or educators of some type. I'm not! It's not a requirement that I need to be a teacher but it certainly seems to help. The other thing is that most of the others are in the School Librarianship program of student and as such they have a Mentor Librarian to help them out. Well, I'm not in this program of study and therefore I don't have a Mentor librarian Again, not a requirement but it certainly would help I think. According to the professor, if I read all the lessons and listen to the lectures and everything, I should be fine. I've been informed that I’m not the only one who isn’t in the School Library program taking this class and yet I feel totally alone.
I have done so great on the assignments either. I feel like I work really hard at them and still don't do that well. Even the assignments I feel I did well on seem to be not what she's wanting and I simply don't get it. I think I understand something and finally feel like maybe it's starting to make sense but then get shot down.
The student assistant for my School Library class has been so kind to help me with the assignments after I told the professor that I was struggling. It was nice of her to talk to her assistant and ask her to help me. I’m grateful for that. At least the student assistant has been trying. Yet even with her help I feel like things haven't improved very much. At least I feel I can talk to the assistant more that I can to the professor.
Everytime I've tried to talk to the professor she makes me feel more like an idiot and makes me feel worse than I did before. She told me I need to ask more questions in class and when I do she accused me of not using the help she's offered me when I have. Sometimes though, I need an answer almost right away and the student assistant hasn't yet answered me! I've pretty much stopped trying to talk to the professor now. I feel like she thinks I'm a big idiot and that I'm just wasting her time.
Really though I'm just done with this class. It was such a mistake to begin with. I really despise this class If one thing this class has taught me it's that I'm not cut out to be a school librarian. I wont even recommend this course to anyone who isn't planning to be a school librarian. It's not worth it.
I've wanted to give up with courses before but didn't. This is the first class that I got so close to actually pulling out. It's the closest I've been. I honestly don't think I would've regretted it had I actually dropped it. It would have bothered me at first but honestly I feel that I would've gotten over it fairly quickly. Certainly I wouldn't feel as stressed out as I do.
It's just all a big mistake.
It was such a big mistake taking this class. I regret it so much now. I’d rather quit now and save myself the pain. It’s too late now though. Not worth the trouble required to drop it at this point. I’d have to contact the professor who’d have to give me permission to drop. But then I’d have a big “WF” on my transcript forever. “WF” means Withdrawn/Failed. At this point, I’m not sure which would be worse: being free from the class and having the “WF” on my record or suffering through the class with the almost certainty of passing with a “C” and having to repeat the class (HECK NO) or taking another class. C’s aren’t good in grad school. B’s are ok but no C’s. I don’t know which is worth it anymore. My professor said that I was on track to get at least a B but I don’t feel like I am anymore. This is so stressful because up until this class I had a 4.0. Not anymore I’m afraid. I really don’t mind having a B but it’s slowly slipping away from me. Things aren't looking good. I don’t think my desire to quit a class has ever been this strong before now. I really do want to quit. I don’t know if it’s truly worth struggling through the rest of the semester when I really don’t know what’s going on. I read the textbooks and everything. I think it makes sense but then I get to the assignments themselves and I’m completely lost.
Sure my procrastinating makes it worse but even when I’ve managed to complete some assignments on time (which hasn’t been many at all), I’m still just as confused.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. It just seems that the longer I stay in the class, the worse it gets. The more lost I feel and the more frustrated I get. So far, every time I've gone to work on an assignment regardless of it's the day it's due or before, I've had an emotional breakdown because I simply don't understand what to do. I read the textbook, look at the resources, and yet still it doesn't seem clear to me and I have not a clue why it doesn't.
My professor has been both helpful and not. She at least talked to her student assistant who now keeps in contact with me to make sure I'm doing ok. But when I've asked other questions, she's made me feel like I'm an idiot.
It doesn't help that I got off to a bad start with the class in the first case. I did the first assignment but didn't completely understand it. But I didn't worry too much about it since it was only the first assignment. Sometimes that's how it is with first assignments. Once I start getting into more of the course material, I usually understand what's going on.
But then the unexpected happened. I totally spaced on the 2nd assignments. It was 2 of them and I just completely spaced on the deadline. I just didn't at what I had to get done and missed it completely. I've never done that before and felt so horrible about it. Well after missing those couple of assignments (and a discussion post), I was determined to not let that happen again.
I've tried. Honestly, I have. But I still just can't understand half of what's going on in the class. I just feel so incredibly stupid and I know that I'm not. I hate feeling this way.
I feel like an outsider with this class as well being that most of the others in the class are teachers or educators of some type. I'm not! It's not a requirement that I need to be a teacher but it certainly seems to help. The other thing is that most of the others are in the School Librarianship program of student and as such they have a Mentor Librarian to help them out. Well, I'm not in this program of study and therefore I don't have a Mentor librarian Again, not a requirement but it certainly would help I think. According to the professor, if I read all the lessons and listen to the lectures and everything, I should be fine. I've been informed that I’m not the only one who isn’t in the School Library program taking this class and yet I feel totally alone.
I have done so great on the assignments either. I feel like I work really hard at them and still don't do that well. Even the assignments I feel I did well on seem to be not what she's wanting and I simply don't get it. I think I understand something and finally feel like maybe it's starting to make sense but then get shot down.
The student assistant for my School Library class has been so kind to help me with the assignments after I told the professor that I was struggling. It was nice of her to talk to her assistant and ask her to help me. I’m grateful for that. At least the student assistant has been trying. Yet even with her help I feel like things haven't improved very much. At least I feel I can talk to the assistant more that I can to the professor.
Everytime I've tried to talk to the professor she makes me feel more like an idiot and makes me feel worse than I did before. She told me I need to ask more questions in class and when I do she accused me of not using the help she's offered me when I have. Sometimes though, I need an answer almost right away and the student assistant hasn't yet answered me! I've pretty much stopped trying to talk to the professor now. I feel like she thinks I'm a big idiot and that I'm just wasting her time.
Really though I'm just done with this class. It was such a mistake to begin with. I really despise this class If one thing this class has taught me it's that I'm not cut out to be a school librarian. I wont even recommend this course to anyone who isn't planning to be a school librarian. It's not worth it.
I've wanted to give up with courses before but didn't. This is the first class that I got so close to actually pulling out. It's the closest I've been. I honestly don't think I would've regretted it had I actually dropped it. It would have bothered me at first but honestly I feel that I would've gotten over it fairly quickly. Certainly I wouldn't feel as stressed out as I do.
It's just all a big mistake.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Academically gifted?
My brain seems to be constantly thinking about things. Random things at that. More so lately it seems. I think that is because of I've been having to delve into my mind more during counseling and therapy sessions.
One of the things I've been thinking about how smart I really am. I think about this off and on. Today I was reading one of my books and it talked about another book called IQ 83. It just made me think. I don't know what my IQ is. I know I'm smart. I'm by no means a genius or anything like that. It's something that I am curious to find out about though someday maybe.
It got me thinking though. I don't even know if I've ever actually had IQ tests or not. I do remember back in Elementary school some person coming over to our house and having me do a variety of tasks. I remember one involving paper circles of different colors or something like that. I don't remember anything else or why the lady was even there in the first place. For all I know, it could have just been someone needing to run a test on a child as part their degree program. Maybe it wasn't anything meaningful after all. If it was an IQ test of sorts then I'm not sure how I did and what it meant.
I do remember though in Elementary school participating in a special program; GEMINI or at least that's what I think it was. I just remember back in like 2nd or 3rd grade I and several other classmates would get pulled out of class once a week. We would go to one of the empty portables or sometimes an empty classroom and do a variety of puzzles for awhile. I remember one time we worked with a bunch of Tangrams. I don't remember how long I was in this program or whatever it was, I just know that by the time I was in 6th grade I wasn't going anymore. In fact, I don't even know if they had a program like that anymore because I don't really remember students getting pulled out of class. Well, now that I think about it, I think maybe a couple of kids were pulled out for something like this or possibly for other things.
I guess I never really knew what that special program truly was. It was only later in High School that I thought it might have been some type of GEMINI program.
I've always been pretty intelligent I guess seeing as I generally did well in school. I mostly got A's and B's. That and I loved to learn and was always curious about things. I loved school. Perhaps I was gifted and still am.
I definitely wasn't in the GEMINI program in high school though.I did try to test into the program on my own though just because I wanted to see if I could get into it. I had friends that were in the program. They showed me the classroom where they could go during lunch and I was welcome to hang out with them too and so I did. That's how I learned a little more about the program and thought about try to test into it. I took the test but ended up not getting into the program. I didn't really understand the results or what the Gifted teacher said. All I know is that I was close but not close enough to actually get into the program. So if I was gifted when I was younger, I didn't seem to be so much anymore in high school.
Yes, I wasn't in the gifted program or anything and yet most of my high school teachers and even the guidance counselor's assumed I was. It was certainly interesting when I would meet with the counselors and they would ask me if I was in the program and I'd have to say I wasn't. I'm pretty sure that they thought I should be and they assumed I was already. In fact based on their reactions, they seemed shocked to learn I wasn't. Of course, I hung out with people who were in the gifted program and spent most of my lunches in the gifted room. Perhaps that had something to do with the fact that they just assumed. I'm thinking not though.
It's something I may never know for sure. I guess I did have IQ tests but I doubt I'll ever learn what the results were. Am I still gifted? Was I ever gifted? Sometimes I wonder.
I guess it's just a mystery about me and I'll never really know.
One of the things I've been thinking about how smart I really am. I think about this off and on. Today I was reading one of my books and it talked about another book called IQ 83. It just made me think. I don't know what my IQ is. I know I'm smart. I'm by no means a genius or anything like that. It's something that I am curious to find out about though someday maybe.
It got me thinking though. I don't even know if I've ever actually had IQ tests or not. I do remember back in Elementary school some person coming over to our house and having me do a variety of tasks. I remember one involving paper circles of different colors or something like that. I don't remember anything else or why the lady was even there in the first place. For all I know, it could have just been someone needing to run a test on a child as part their degree program. Maybe it wasn't anything meaningful after all. If it was an IQ test of sorts then I'm not sure how I did and what it meant.
I do remember though in Elementary school participating in a special program; GEMINI or at least that's what I think it was. I just remember back in like 2nd or 3rd grade I and several other classmates would get pulled out of class once a week. We would go to one of the empty portables or sometimes an empty classroom and do a variety of puzzles for awhile. I remember one time we worked with a bunch of Tangrams. I don't remember how long I was in this program or whatever it was, I just know that by the time I was in 6th grade I wasn't going anymore. In fact, I don't even know if they had a program like that anymore because I don't really remember students getting pulled out of class. Well, now that I think about it, I think maybe a couple of kids were pulled out for something like this or possibly for other things.
I guess I never really knew what that special program truly was. It was only later in High School that I thought it might have been some type of GEMINI program.
I've always been pretty intelligent I guess seeing as I generally did well in school. I mostly got A's and B's. That and I loved to learn and was always curious about things. I loved school. Perhaps I was gifted and still am.
I definitely wasn't in the GEMINI program in high school though.I did try to test into the program on my own though just because I wanted to see if I could get into it. I had friends that were in the program. They showed me the classroom where they could go during lunch and I was welcome to hang out with them too and so I did. That's how I learned a little more about the program and thought about try to test into it. I took the test but ended up not getting into the program. I didn't really understand the results or what the Gifted teacher said. All I know is that I was close but not close enough to actually get into the program. So if I was gifted when I was younger, I didn't seem to be so much anymore in high school.
Yes, I wasn't in the gifted program or anything and yet most of my high school teachers and even the guidance counselor's assumed I was. It was certainly interesting when I would meet with the counselors and they would ask me if I was in the program and I'd have to say I wasn't. I'm pretty sure that they thought I should be and they assumed I was already. In fact based on their reactions, they seemed shocked to learn I wasn't. Of course, I hung out with people who were in the gifted program and spent most of my lunches in the gifted room. Perhaps that had something to do with the fact that they just assumed. I'm thinking not though.
It's something I may never know for sure. I guess I did have IQ tests but I doubt I'll ever learn what the results were. Am I still gifted? Was I ever gifted? Sometimes I wonder.
I guess it's just a mystery about me and I'll never really know.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Online vs. IRL classes
I've been thinking a lot tonight about how perhaps online classes aren't the best fit for me.
Now this sounds a bit strange coming from someone who spends nearly all her time living on the Internet.
It's not so much that online classes are more difficult than face to face classes. They are more difficult in the sense that you have to be more self-disciplined and stay more on top of things since there isn't much interaction like there is with face-to-face classes.
I've taken online classes before when I was both at my community college and at OSU. Online classes aren't new to me.The problem is that I haven't had an entire degree program that is online. The only classes that I could have taken online where the 3 core courses. However, the times didn't work out for me. So I ended up opting for the Web Institute and online. The Web Institute was all day in class sessions at the beginning of the semester. For a few days over the weekend, I would go to class with other students where we were given a basic overview of the projects and class itself and what we would be covering the rest of the semester. It was boring but nice since I did get to interact with some of my classmates. After the Institute the classes continued online for the rest of the semester. Other than those 3 classes, I haven't had any real interaction with my classmates. Sure some of them I've had in other classes and therefore recognize their names but it's not the same.
If you've read any of my blog postings over the past couple of months, you already know this semester has been a struggle for me. I've been wanting more social interaction this semester. I want to have friends here in that I can get together with on the weekend. I really am lonely here and it sucks. This past weekend spent with my friends meant so much to me. It pains me to think I can't have a weekend like that every other weekend or so.
I love the Internet and love my online friends. Yet, I do wish I had IRL friends. Lately, I found myself growing tired of the Internet. I get bored of it. But since I don't really know what else to do, I still do things online. It's almost like it's become the only life I know anymore.
Going back to online classes, I feel as though this relates somewhat. In a discussion with the Children's Librarian this afternoon, it was discussed how she was in one of the last grad students to actually have face-to-face classes for the degree program. After that, classes went online. She had physical classes to attend. Online classes weren't possible because they didn't exist yet.
Now this might make the librarian seem old but really she's not. When you think about it, online classes haven't really been around all that long. But this got me thinking.
While online classes have been great for me in terms of being able to travel home during breaks and still be able to keep up, I can't help but miss the physical human interaction. Perhaps it has been more of a detriment for me taking online classes.
Like I said, I've taken plenty of online classes before so why should it make a difference now? Well, it does because at least with the other online classes I took, I still had at least one or two face-to-face classes. I still had the physical interaction with others. I don't have that anymore. None. All of my classes are online with no chance of physical interaction. That plus the fact that I don't have a job has meant social interaction opportunities are slim to nonexistent. More the latter.
As I've said before too, I don't even need to physically be in Denton. Which is nice for online classes. Yet I have no clue where I should be or much less what I should be doing instead, so here I am in Denton taking online classes and pretty much living in my own world of my apartment, locked away from the real world.
I hadn't really thought about it much before but perhaps I'm just someone that needs a little bit of that physical human interaction. I thought I was quite content living my life online but now I'm not sure anymore. I'm a nerd and therefore am awkward in social situations. This isn't unusual for people like me. Yet it seems to be causing more problems for me than ever before.
I honestly feel that I want the face to face classes. I wish that were an option because I would seriously consider it. I might even consider doing half online and half face to face given that choice. I feel I would be much happier that way. I wouldn't have to give up the Internet entirely but yet I'd get the much needed socializing and interaction. Not to mention that I'd have a reason to at least get out of my apartment more.
Perhaps that is why up until now, things haven't been this difficult for me. The fact that even with the online classes I took, I still had other face to face classes that put me with others and forced me to be sociable. Take all that away from me and I basically turn into a hermit. A lonely hermit struggling to find a way out of her shell but is afraid to.
Truth be told, I feel like the more I live on the Internet, the less sociable I become and the more difficult it becomes to actually be sociable. I feel as though people are less personable. Take my current advisor for instance. With my advisor at OSU, I saw her and got to know her because I had face-to-face communication. Therefore, I developed a relationship with her and that's why I still communicate with her on a regular basis. I had to meet with her every semester in order to get things in order to register and make sure I was on track. Then there were times I just had to talk to someone and she was there for me. It's different now.
I don't know my advisor here hardly at all. I've only talked to her once or twice on the phone and through email. She was one of my professors for some of my online classes and I saw her a couple of times at Web Institute but that's it. I don't know her that well nor do I feel like I can talk to her. After the first semester talking to her, I've pretty much been on my own. Signing up for classes and just going through things on my own. Making sure I have everything planned out. I formed a degree plan with her but that's really it. Nothing else has really happened. I feel as though I'm just a number and not a person to this advisor.
Right now I'm so confused and lost about planning my next semester and I don't know how to even begin getting things planned out. I have to set up an internship/practicum and I have not a clue where to begin. I know I could just talk to someone but I don't really know who to talk to. I guess I could go talk to the general advisor but I don't know. I want to go to the campus but I remember from previous visits how difficult it was to even find someone to talk to. So even though I want the physical interaction, it seems like the whole college is making it extremely difficult. They seem to be pushing me toward more of the online interaction.
I don't know what to think anymore. I almost feel as though the Internet is mainly to blame for my current problems. I feel as though online classes have had a part in me being the way I am right now. Like I haven't had much choice.
Online classes are great but come at the cost of physical human interaction.
Now this sounds a bit strange coming from someone who spends nearly all her time living on the Internet.
It's not so much that online classes are more difficult than face to face classes. They are more difficult in the sense that you have to be more self-disciplined and stay more on top of things since there isn't much interaction like there is with face-to-face classes.
I've taken online classes before when I was both at my community college and at OSU. Online classes aren't new to me.The problem is that I haven't had an entire degree program that is online. The only classes that I could have taken online where the 3 core courses. However, the times didn't work out for me. So I ended up opting for the Web Institute and online. The Web Institute was all day in class sessions at the beginning of the semester. For a few days over the weekend, I would go to class with other students where we were given a basic overview of the projects and class itself and what we would be covering the rest of the semester. It was boring but nice since I did get to interact with some of my classmates. After the Institute the classes continued online for the rest of the semester. Other than those 3 classes, I haven't had any real interaction with my classmates. Sure some of them I've had in other classes and therefore recognize their names but it's not the same.
If you've read any of my blog postings over the past couple of months, you already know this semester has been a struggle for me. I've been wanting more social interaction this semester. I want to have friends here in that I can get together with on the weekend. I really am lonely here and it sucks. This past weekend spent with my friends meant so much to me. It pains me to think I can't have a weekend like that every other weekend or so.
I love the Internet and love my online friends. Yet, I do wish I had IRL friends. Lately, I found myself growing tired of the Internet. I get bored of it. But since I don't really know what else to do, I still do things online. It's almost like it's become the only life I know anymore.
Going back to online classes, I feel as though this relates somewhat. In a discussion with the Children's Librarian this afternoon, it was discussed how she was in one of the last grad students to actually have face-to-face classes for the degree program. After that, classes went online. She had physical classes to attend. Online classes weren't possible because they didn't exist yet.
Now this might make the librarian seem old but really she's not. When you think about it, online classes haven't really been around all that long. But this got me thinking.
While online classes have been great for me in terms of being able to travel home during breaks and still be able to keep up, I can't help but miss the physical human interaction. Perhaps it has been more of a detriment for me taking online classes.
Like I said, I've taken plenty of online classes before so why should it make a difference now? Well, it does because at least with the other online classes I took, I still had at least one or two face-to-face classes. I still had the physical interaction with others. I don't have that anymore. None. All of my classes are online with no chance of physical interaction. That plus the fact that I don't have a job has meant social interaction opportunities are slim to nonexistent. More the latter.
As I've said before too, I don't even need to physically be in Denton. Which is nice for online classes. Yet I have no clue where I should be or much less what I should be doing instead, so here I am in Denton taking online classes and pretty much living in my own world of my apartment, locked away from the real world.
I hadn't really thought about it much before but perhaps I'm just someone that needs a little bit of that physical human interaction. I thought I was quite content living my life online but now I'm not sure anymore. I'm a nerd and therefore am awkward in social situations. This isn't unusual for people like me. Yet it seems to be causing more problems for me than ever before.
I honestly feel that I want the face to face classes. I wish that were an option because I would seriously consider it. I might even consider doing half online and half face to face given that choice. I feel I would be much happier that way. I wouldn't have to give up the Internet entirely but yet I'd get the much needed socializing and interaction. Not to mention that I'd have a reason to at least get out of my apartment more.
Perhaps that is why up until now, things haven't been this difficult for me. The fact that even with the online classes I took, I still had other face to face classes that put me with others and forced me to be sociable. Take all that away from me and I basically turn into a hermit. A lonely hermit struggling to find a way out of her shell but is afraid to.
Truth be told, I feel like the more I live on the Internet, the less sociable I become and the more difficult it becomes to actually be sociable. I feel as though people are less personable. Take my current advisor for instance. With my advisor at OSU, I saw her and got to know her because I had face-to-face communication. Therefore, I developed a relationship with her and that's why I still communicate with her on a regular basis. I had to meet with her every semester in order to get things in order to register and make sure I was on track. Then there were times I just had to talk to someone and she was there for me. It's different now.
I don't know my advisor here hardly at all. I've only talked to her once or twice on the phone and through email. She was one of my professors for some of my online classes and I saw her a couple of times at Web Institute but that's it. I don't know her that well nor do I feel like I can talk to her. After the first semester talking to her, I've pretty much been on my own. Signing up for classes and just going through things on my own. Making sure I have everything planned out. I formed a degree plan with her but that's really it. Nothing else has really happened. I feel as though I'm just a number and not a person to this advisor.
Right now I'm so confused and lost about planning my next semester and I don't know how to even begin getting things planned out. I have to set up an internship/practicum and I have not a clue where to begin. I know I could just talk to someone but I don't really know who to talk to. I guess I could go talk to the general advisor but I don't know. I want to go to the campus but I remember from previous visits how difficult it was to even find someone to talk to. So even though I want the physical interaction, it seems like the whole college is making it extremely difficult. They seem to be pushing me toward more of the online interaction.
I don't know what to think anymore. I almost feel as though the Internet is mainly to blame for my current problems. I feel as though online classes have had a part in me being the way I am right now. Like I haven't had much choice.
Online classes are great but come at the cost of physical human interaction.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Texas State Fair Adventures
I want to write this up so I don't ever forget and so I can look back when I feel lonely and remember how much fun I had.
Yesterday afternoon, I met up with my Oklahoma friends (and collab channelmates!). I had a session yesterday and therefore was unable to do anything until after 11. My friends, Travis and Erin came up to Denton and we went and had lunch at J&J's Pizza on the Square. Then it was fair time!! We got to the fair and thanks to it being Coke-a-cola Thursday were able to get admission for only $5! (You brought an empty 12oz soda bottle). So much fun was had. We walked around for a bit and eventually ended up at the Midway. We all bought some tickets to go on some rides. My friend Travis and I went on the Crazy Mouse coaster. So much fun!Although afterwards, I did feel like I was a bit drunk and couldn't walk straight for a little bit(It did spin a bit). But it wasn't too bad. Afterwards, we walked around some more looking at some of the midway games and other things. We visited a greenhouse and cooled off for a bit. We played a throw a ball into a cup game where Travis won a small prize for Erin and a beer bottle ring toss game. Our friend Kate called to let us know she was on her way. While we waited, we visited one of the exhibit halls.
Kate arrived and we met her at "Big Tex", a big statue man thing. Then the fun really began!! We all headed back to the Midway area and went on the Texas Star Ferris wheel. It was fun. After that we decided to get some munchies before riding anything else. I didn't get anything to eat yet, just in case but I did get some lemonade to drink since I was thirsty and hadn't had anything to drink in awhile.
We sat at a table near a couple of rides while we enjoyed our munchies. Afterwards, Kate and I went on a mini-coaster called The Windstorm. WOW! It was fun but also a bit more intense than I thought. But still so much fun! After that, Kate and Travis decided to go on a spinny ride where you spun around and then the floor dropped out from under you but you don't fall because you're stuck to the wall from spinning so fast. There was a live video feed that I learned about afterwards. I was curious about this so I watched as another group of people went on the ride. It was certainly insane! Not for me!
Kate and Erin decided they wanted to go on the Swings and so we went over to that ride and watched. I should mention here that I brought my video camera and had been filming off and on all afternoon since we arrived. Also taking pictures.My camera had also been passed around between us. So I filmed while Kate and Erin were on the swings.
I used to love the Swing ride but can't do it or really any spinny ride because I get motion sickness. I would be miserable afterwards and couldn't enjoy the rest of the fair. If I took medicine to prevent it, I would be able to do more spinny rides but then I would be walking around like a zombie since the medicine would make me drowsy. So the simple solution is to just avoid them entirely. I'm talking about really really spinny rides. Things like a carousel don't have that effect on me.
Afterwards we all got something to munch on. I had seen fried coke and decided to try that. We all just got different things and sat at a table just chatting and watching people on the rides. We also spontaneously would burst out singing songs that were playing on the rides. It was then that we decided that we should go karoakeing tonight. So plans are being set to do that.
It was getting dark by this point and the lights were coming on. Everything was just really pretty. We walked around and occasionally would also dance a bit. We played a couple more midway games and finally we decided that we wanted to ride the carousel.That was our last ride for the night. While in line, we heard the song "Dynamite" playing and sang along and danced a bit to it. Got some weird looks from people but went ahead and did it anyway.The carousel was fun but I realized like 2 secs after the ride had begun moving that I had gotten a stationary horse! Darn it! Oh well! I still enjoyed it anyways and it was actually kinda helpful since I was filming us. Afterwards, we find a grassy area with some white rocking chairs and collapsed into them. We were tired of walking around.
After a little while we decided to find the light show thing that was supposed to happen. Turns out it was a light show thing with lights over the midway area. We also saw some occasional fireworks shooting off. We eventually ended back up in a sitting area around Big Tex. My friends all have Ipod touches or smartphones and were able to find Internet and got on it (This is totally normal for us. We live on the Internet). I don't have a smartphone or an iPod touch so I just sat and watched for awhile. They did that for a bit while we just sat around. (We were dead tired and our feet were tired to from walking). I was interested in getting a corn dog in honor of Hank Green so we found a booth and I got my corndog. We ventured in another direction just chatting and looking at things. Ended up at a little barnyard area with some animals: pigs, bunnies, puppies, and kittens. Most were asleep but it was still nice looking at them. We then stumbled across a little dance party going on. They were playing the Cupid Shuffle and people were actually dancing it. Kate, Erin, and I all joined in and danced while a group of people watched. Then they started playing the Cha-Cha Slide and Travis joined in. Just a random dance party and it was so fun!
After that we just continued walking and headed out. We had so much fun and we were all tired. Kate dropped us off at the place we parked and we parted ways. Travis and Erin brought me back to Denton and then drove back to Dallas.
I was exhausted and sore but it was so worth it.
That was my State Fair adventures. I had a great time. I needed this so much. It's been awhile since I just got out and had fun with friends being that I don't have any friends here. Yesterday meant so much to me especially with everything that's been going on my life.
Thanks guys!
Yesterday afternoon, I met up with my Oklahoma friends (and collab channelmates!). I had a session yesterday and therefore was unable to do anything until after 11. My friends, Travis and Erin came up to Denton and we went and had lunch at J&J's Pizza on the Square. Then it was fair time!! We got to the fair and thanks to it being Coke-a-cola Thursday were able to get admission for only $5! (You brought an empty 12oz soda bottle). So much fun was had. We walked around for a bit and eventually ended up at the Midway. We all bought some tickets to go on some rides. My friend Travis and I went on the Crazy Mouse coaster. So much fun!Although afterwards, I did feel like I was a bit drunk and couldn't walk straight for a little bit(It did spin a bit). But it wasn't too bad. Afterwards, we walked around some more looking at some of the midway games and other things. We visited a greenhouse and cooled off for a bit. We played a throw a ball into a cup game where Travis won a small prize for Erin and a beer bottle ring toss game. Our friend Kate called to let us know she was on her way. While we waited, we visited one of the exhibit halls.
Kate arrived and we met her at "Big Tex", a big statue man thing. Then the fun really began!! We all headed back to the Midway area and went on the Texas Star Ferris wheel. It was fun. After that we decided to get some munchies before riding anything else. I didn't get anything to eat yet, just in case but I did get some lemonade to drink since I was thirsty and hadn't had anything to drink in awhile.
We sat at a table near a couple of rides while we enjoyed our munchies. Afterwards, Kate and I went on a mini-coaster called The Windstorm. WOW! It was fun but also a bit more intense than I thought. But still so much fun! After that, Kate and Travis decided to go on a spinny ride where you spun around and then the floor dropped out from under you but you don't fall because you're stuck to the wall from spinning so fast. There was a live video feed that I learned about afterwards. I was curious about this so I watched as another group of people went on the ride. It was certainly insane! Not for me!
Kate and Erin decided they wanted to go on the Swings and so we went over to that ride and watched. I should mention here that I brought my video camera and had been filming off and on all afternoon since we arrived. Also taking pictures.My camera had also been passed around between us. So I filmed while Kate and Erin were on the swings.
I used to love the Swing ride but can't do it or really any spinny ride because I get motion sickness. I would be miserable afterwards and couldn't enjoy the rest of the fair. If I took medicine to prevent it, I would be able to do more spinny rides but then I would be walking around like a zombie since the medicine would make me drowsy. So the simple solution is to just avoid them entirely. I'm talking about really really spinny rides. Things like a carousel don't have that effect on me.
Afterwards we all got something to munch on. I had seen fried coke and decided to try that. We all just got different things and sat at a table just chatting and watching people on the rides. We also spontaneously would burst out singing songs that were playing on the rides. It was then that we decided that we should go karoakeing tonight. So plans are being set to do that.
It was getting dark by this point and the lights were coming on. Everything was just really pretty. We walked around and occasionally would also dance a bit. We played a couple more midway games and finally we decided that we wanted to ride the carousel.That was our last ride for the night. While in line, we heard the song "Dynamite" playing and sang along and danced a bit to it. Got some weird looks from people but went ahead and did it anyway.The carousel was fun but I realized like 2 secs after the ride had begun moving that I had gotten a stationary horse! Darn it! Oh well! I still enjoyed it anyways and it was actually kinda helpful since I was filming us. Afterwards, we find a grassy area with some white rocking chairs and collapsed into them. We were tired of walking around.
After a little while we decided to find the light show thing that was supposed to happen. Turns out it was a light show thing with lights over the midway area. We also saw some occasional fireworks shooting off. We eventually ended back up in a sitting area around Big Tex. My friends all have Ipod touches or smartphones and were able to find Internet and got on it (This is totally normal for us. We live on the Internet). I don't have a smartphone or an iPod touch so I just sat and watched for awhile. They did that for a bit while we just sat around. (We were dead tired and our feet were tired to from walking). I was interested in getting a corn dog in honor of Hank Green so we found a booth and I got my corndog. We ventured in another direction just chatting and looking at things. Ended up at a little barnyard area with some animals: pigs, bunnies, puppies, and kittens. Most were asleep but it was still nice looking at them. We then stumbled across a little dance party going on. They were playing the Cupid Shuffle and people were actually dancing it. Kate, Erin, and I all joined in and danced while a group of people watched. Then they started playing the Cha-Cha Slide and Travis joined in. Just a random dance party and it was so fun!
After that we just continued walking and headed out. We had so much fun and we were all tired. Kate dropped us off at the place we parked and we parted ways. Travis and Erin brought me back to Denton and then drove back to Dallas.
I was exhausted and sore but it was so worth it.
That was my State Fair adventures. I had a great time. I needed this so much. It's been awhile since I just got out and had fun with friends being that I don't have any friends here. Yesterday meant so much to me especially with everything that's been going on my life.
Thanks guys!
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