Tonight I was sitting in church and I was practically surrounded by families with babies and young children. I had one in the pew behind me and one sitting right next to me (families I mean). Looking at them made me think of some things. One thing it made me think of was that I know people who are the same age or a little younger than me that have kids already.It's weird for me to picture them with kids. I realize that we're all adults now and everything but it still is a bit weird for me. I know of several other people close to my age that are getting married. It's just weird for me to think about this stuff and picture it because it's not something I'm looking at for my life right now. Right now I'm focused on finishing my degree and getting my career going before I even begin dating and such.
Which makes me think about my future. I would love to meet someone and get married and have a family but I can't even begin to picture something like that. As bad as this may sound, I don't even know what type of guy would fall for a girl like me. Really. I mean when I picture my future guy, I picture him being nerdy like me. I'd love to meet a guy who is also a nerdfighter and we bond over that first as friends and then progress from there. For me, I don't see finding a nerdy guy to be so much of a problem. In fact, I can't even really see my future guy NOT being a nerd.
I can't even begin to picture me getting married either or even having kids. Despite the fact that I love kids and want to someday have a couple, I can't see myself as being a mother. I know things change when you have a baby, but I still can't picture myself being a mother. I mean I can't even deal with throw up well now, how will I ever put up with it when my future kids get sick?
Then there is the thing that if I do have kids there is a chance they'll be just like me in regards to family. Meaning they may only ever know one set of grandparents if they are lucky (most likely my future husband's) Also like me, there will be a big age gap between their cousin (my nephew) and them. My nephew is already 12! When I was born there was an 11 year age difference between me and the next youngest cousins (fraternal twins, boy and girl. Also my brother is the same age as they are). There is an even bigger age gap between me and my cousins on my dad's side. It's weird to think about things like that but it's how it'll be.
Sometimes I even wonder if I ever will meet someone and eventually get married and have kids. It's something I would love to happy and hope happens but at the same time, there's that chance it may not happen. When I think about that, it makes me think if I would be happy if I never met someone. What things would be like? I can't picture this either. As far as everything goes, I don't see a foreseeable future and really maybe that's part of my problems recently.
If you haven't figured it out by now from previous blog postings and such. My mind is a strange place. I seem to always be thinking about things. Strange things at times. Also because it has so many thoughts, my blogs tend to be kinda long. Like this one is.
And there you have it. Day 2 of BEDA, done. Musings of my mind. Hope you enjoyed it.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
BEDA 2011 Day 1: The magic begins...
Once again, I've decided to participate in Blog Every Day April. I failed to do so last year when it was in August. I had every intention to participate but failed at the start. However this year things have changed and it's more of a necessity for me to participate. With the way I've been feeling about my life lately, I need a creative outlet that is also a stress reliever. This is what I feel BEDA will do for me.
An important note about this year's BEDA is that I'm not just going to be blogging. Instead I will be doing a combination of BEDA and VEDA (Vlog Every Day April). It's a way for me to make more videos. Despite having a video camera and plenty of ideas for videos, I have yet to actually make many of them. Chances are that I will still blog a little bit on days I do Vlogs. I'll be embedding the videos in my postings so you don't need to go subscribe to my YouTube channel just so you know when I make a video (But if you want to anyways, by all means, go for it!)
Now that I've covered all that I can talk a little bit about my Friday (if you're even interested). So today was pretty eventful. I was awake earlier than usual because I had to catch the bus to campus. I had an session at 11. To get to campus I have to catch 2 buses. 1 to get to the central station and then transfer to another one to get to the campus. The nice thing about it is that I ride free! As long as I have my UNT ID card that is!
Anyway my session went well and I felt much better afterwards. Afterwards, I went to Pita Pit for lunch and had a yummy Felafel Pita. Then I waited for what seemed like forever to catch a bus back to Central and then catch another bus back to the library where I then walked home. I took it easy the rest of the afternoon. I messed around on the Internet and then I reread Vol 6 of Scott Pilgrim. Interestingly, I read the whole graphic novel in about 50 minutes. It took me longer to read it the first time! (mostly because I had to put it down and do other things. Finally, tonight, I went to a Fish Fry at my church and had an enjoyable time. First though I had to go to Walmart and get some cash. I ended up buying a CD so I could ask for cash back when I paid.
Ever since I got back, I've just been watching TV and doing more internet stuff this evening (Oh and I edited a video for the collab channel I'm part of).
Really my social life is nonexistent so I don't really have of exciting stuff to say. That's all I have for Day 1 of BEDA.
To all who come to this (not so)happy blog, Welcome!
(I totally ripped off that last saying from Walt Disney!)
An important note about this year's BEDA is that I'm not just going to be blogging. Instead I will be doing a combination of BEDA and VEDA (Vlog Every Day April). It's a way for me to make more videos. Despite having a video camera and plenty of ideas for videos, I have yet to actually make many of them. Chances are that I will still blog a little bit on days I do Vlogs. I'll be embedding the videos in my postings so you don't need to go subscribe to my YouTube channel just so you know when I make a video (But if you want to anyways, by all means, go for it!)
Now that I've covered all that I can talk a little bit about my Friday (if you're even interested). So today was pretty eventful. I was awake earlier than usual because I had to catch the bus to campus. I had an session at 11. To get to campus I have to catch 2 buses. 1 to get to the central station and then transfer to another one to get to the campus. The nice thing about it is that I ride free! As long as I have my UNT ID card that is!
Anyway my session went well and I felt much better afterwards. Afterwards, I went to Pita Pit for lunch and had a yummy Felafel Pita. Then I waited for what seemed like forever to catch a bus back to Central and then catch another bus back to the library where I then walked home. I took it easy the rest of the afternoon. I messed around on the Internet and then I reread Vol 6 of Scott Pilgrim. Interestingly, I read the whole graphic novel in about 50 minutes. It took me longer to read it the first time! (mostly because I had to put it down and do other things. Finally, tonight, I went to a Fish Fry at my church and had an enjoyable time. First though I had to go to Walmart and get some cash. I ended up buying a CD so I could ask for cash back when I paid.
Ever since I got back, I've just been watching TV and doing more internet stuff this evening (Oh and I edited a video for the collab channel I'm part of).
Really my social life is nonexistent so I don't really have of exciting stuff to say. That's all I have for Day 1 of BEDA.
To all who come to this (not so)happy blog, Welcome!
(I totally ripped off that last saying from Walt Disney!)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The internet is my only friend and Gray clouds part 2
So I'm in one of my moods again. It seems that this semester that I've had a lot of these moods. Moods where I feel especially lonely and upset with the way my life currently is. I'm mostly upset with the lack of social life I have. I want to make more friends but as I've already said, it's extremely difficult for me. This isn't a new problem. I've had trouble making friends ever since I was a kid. I don't really know why. It's especially hard for me now when I'm pretty much isolated. I feel that I'm part of the reason. Today (and most of yesterday), I literally staying inside my apartment. I didn't even step outside. It's been a bit chilly and cloudy the past couple of days so that's part of the reason but at least yesterday I did step outside for a few minutes. I don't like that I lock myself away. I want to do something about it because I just don't know what. I honestly feel like I'm being such a drama queen. I feel that my friends might think I'm wanting them to feel guilty and this isn't what I want. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me (I already feel that way enough myself, I don't need my friends to feel that way for me). I'm reminded quite frequently just how awesome my friends are and for that I'm incredibly grateful. The problem is that they aren't here. I don't get to see the all that often IRL. It's safe to say that the only friend I really have is the Internet. I spend an obscene amount of time on the Internet lately. I practically spend all day on it. It's so bad that I literally refresh pages every 5 to 10 minutes just because I have nothing else to really do. I should do homework but have no motivation to do it (this happens usually after Spring Break anyways.It's mainly one class though that I just want to be done with). But really, it's safe to say that I have a very unhealthy relationship with my computer and the Internet. I can tell it's because I'm feeling extremely lonely because when I'm home with my family, I tend to spend less time on the Internet. Because I spend so much time on the Internet, I do get tired of it but I don't know what else to really do. I have a TV and things I watch but even that's not enough to distract me. Again, I should go somewhere but I have no idea where. The library and Walmart are really the main places I go anymore.
Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I get into these moods more often? I don't understand why I feel so sorry for myself. I get into these moods and I break down more often than not.
I blame myself and my low self-confidence. I know I could do something about this but I don't for some reason. It's like there's some sort of barrier that I've built around myself that prevents me from getting out and being more social and now I can't seem to break through it. It's like along with physically locking myself in my apartment, I've locked away myself (if that makes any sense). I just don't know anymore.
*I have finally sought some help so things will hopefully start improving soon. It's only been one session so it shouldn't surprise me that I'm having these moods still. I can tell it's helped somewhat already. There are some things I feel better about after the one session but it's still going to take some time and I realize that*
Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I get into these moods more often? I don't understand why I feel so sorry for myself. I get into these moods and I break down more often than not.
I blame myself and my low self-confidence. I know I could do something about this but I don't for some reason. It's like there's some sort of barrier that I've built around myself that prevents me from getting out and being more social and now I can't seem to break through it. It's like along with physically locking myself in my apartment, I've locked away myself (if that makes any sense). I just don't know anymore.
*I have finally sought some help so things will hopefully start improving soon. It's only been one session so it shouldn't surprise me that I'm having these moods still. I can tell it's helped somewhat already. There are some things I feel better about after the one session but it's still going to take some time and I realize that*
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Ch-Ch-Changes? :A 'Thoughts from Places 'Type Blog of my hometown
I've been home for 2 weeks for Spring Break. The first week was so I could be home to celebrate my 23rd birthday with my family and then this week was my actual Spring Break. It's certainly been a great break and I'm definitely not ready to go back (but then I never really am).
As part of video collab project I'm part of with 3 of my friends, we have a theme each week. For our Spring Break we all did a "Thoughts from Places" video as first inspired by the Vlogbrothers. This past weekend, my mom and I (my dad wasn't feeling good) went to Arizona to spend time with my brother and his family. We went to the Arizona Renaissance Festival. I took footage while at the Festival and did my Thoughts from Places video on it.
I learned recently via John Green's twitter that there was a project in Your Pants to create a list of all Thoughts from Places videos. One of the things listed was it be video of your hometown. However, I don't live in Arizona. I currently live in Texas but was born and raised in New Mexico. I sent my video to be included anyway and it was added to the list. I guess the "hometown" thing isn't really a requirements especially since other nerdfighters have done videos from places that aren't their hometown.
I know you're probably wondering what the point of this blog is and would like me to just get to the point. Well the point is that this project made me think about things. Specifically things about my hometown and even myself.
I've been living away from my hometown now since January 2008 when I first moved away to Oklahoma to finish my Undergraduate degree at Oklahoma State University. Then in May 2010, I graduated and moved to Texas in June to attend Grad school.
I've been home for breaks because I really haven't had anything else to do. But it's never really enough time.
I love coming home and spending time with my family. I enjoy coming back to a place that is familiar. True, it's a small town and there's not a lot to do here but it's my home. It's where I grew up. I thought about doing a TfP video about my hometown but because I didn't find out about the project (and I had already filmed the Ren Festival for my collab channel), I didn't. Also I didn't have time this time to film it because I've been too busy with family and will be leaving on Monday. I really just found out about the project yesterday.
However, I have been thinking about what I would film when I do a future TfP video of it. I think about all the Tourist things I could film that for me are just part of my hometown. I think about if they'd be interesting enough to share. Should I even share them? But then again, I also think about how not much seems to have changed in my hometown. I'm sure things change but since I'm not home on a constant basis anymore, I don't see or notice the changes. I see things that have changed when I come home but it's usually not really big. My parents tell me about things going on in my hometown. Things that are changing. Everything changes despite the fact that I may not be around to notice it. To me, it seems as though my hometown hasn't really changed all that much.
Thinking about how my hometown doesn't seem to have changed much made me also think about myself and how I really haven't changed that much. At least not since high school that is. I look at pictures from when I was in high school and now and I look the same. I haven't really changed. I still look the same as ever.
Tonight at church, I was looking around and saw a few people that I grew up knowing and thought about how much different they look now. They have changed. They look different. But me? Not really. At least my appearance hasn't changed. I know I've changed in other ways though especially since being away from my family. I sometimes wish I could look a bit different. Even my style of dress hasn't changed all that much. My mom keeps saying that I should dress differently. That I need to dress more grown up. The problem is though, that it just doesn't seem like me.
It's still a few years away but I'm already thinking about my 10 year high school reunion. I probably won't go but I know that if I do, I won't look much different from when I graduated. I know it'll be only 10 years but still. You would think I would look at least somewhat different but I don't. I know my friends will comment on that fact and it does tend to bother me a bit.
I look at others my age and I'll admit that I sometimes am jealous of them. They can pull off the more grown up look. I don't seem to be able to do that. For one thing, I look a lot younger than 23. I look more like a high school student than a graduate student! I'm not complaining about that much though. I like that I look younger and I'm grateful for it. There's also the fact that I'm petite in size. I'm only 5'2". My nephew is 12 and he already is about a head taller than I am. I guess I could also blame myself some for the fact that I don't dress my age. I'm really comfortable with jeans(or capris when it's warm) and a t-shirt and my hair pulled back in a ponytail and tennis shoes. That's what I wear on pretty much a daily basis I can't do a lot with my hair because it's very curly/wavy and it's hard to keep nice and neat when it's down so normally I just put it up. I'm trying to grow my hair long enough to cut it for Locks for Love which is why I don't just cut it. (It's not quite long enough yet). I have some nice tops and pants that I could wear if I were working but I'm not currently. Plus, I only really dress up on special occasions (Christmas and Easter mostly). I also just don't really go to many places that require me to dress up nice.
Another thing is that I don't wear makeup on a regular basis. The only time I do is for special occasions. Also, I have skin problems and feel it's just better to not make it worse. Plus, my mom has told me that I really don't need to wear makeup because I'm pretty enough without it. I believe that but sometimes I feel like I still should. But as I've already said, I don't really go anywhere anymore so why bother? When I was student teaching in Spring 2010, I had to dress nice everyday and I wore makeup everyday because I needed to look more grownup (they were elementary students). I honestly got tired of wearing the nice clothes and makeup everyday. I would come home afterwards and change into more comfortable clothing and wash off the makeup. I just never got used to dressing up and got tired of it.
The truth is that it's hard for me to really look older when I don't look that old to begin with. I admit that I need a style makeover. The problem is that I don't know where to begin. I feel like I should make a change but at the same time, I don't. It's just complicated. I've changed inside so why can't it be reflected on the outside?
As part of video collab project I'm part of with 3 of my friends, we have a theme each week. For our Spring Break we all did a "Thoughts from Places" video as first inspired by the Vlogbrothers. This past weekend, my mom and I (my dad wasn't feeling good) went to Arizona to spend time with my brother and his family. We went to the Arizona Renaissance Festival. I took footage while at the Festival and did my Thoughts from Places video on it.
I learned recently via John Green's twitter that there was a project in Your Pants to create a list of all Thoughts from Places videos. One of the things listed was it be video of your hometown. However, I don't live in Arizona. I currently live in Texas but was born and raised in New Mexico. I sent my video to be included anyway and it was added to the list. I guess the "hometown" thing isn't really a requirements especially since other nerdfighters have done videos from places that aren't their hometown.
I know you're probably wondering what the point of this blog is and would like me to just get to the point. Well the point is that this project made me think about things. Specifically things about my hometown and even myself.
I've been living away from my hometown now since January 2008 when I first moved away to Oklahoma to finish my Undergraduate degree at Oklahoma State University. Then in May 2010, I graduated and moved to Texas in June to attend Grad school.
I've been home for breaks because I really haven't had anything else to do. But it's never really enough time.
I love coming home and spending time with my family. I enjoy coming back to a place that is familiar. True, it's a small town and there's not a lot to do here but it's my home. It's where I grew up. I thought about doing a TfP video about my hometown but because I didn't find out about the project (and I had already filmed the Ren Festival for my collab channel), I didn't. Also I didn't have time this time to film it because I've been too busy with family and will be leaving on Monday. I really just found out about the project yesterday.
However, I have been thinking about what I would film when I do a future TfP video of it. I think about all the Tourist things I could film that for me are just part of my hometown. I think about if they'd be interesting enough to share. Should I even share them? But then again, I also think about how not much seems to have changed in my hometown. I'm sure things change but since I'm not home on a constant basis anymore, I don't see or notice the changes. I see things that have changed when I come home but it's usually not really big. My parents tell me about things going on in my hometown. Things that are changing. Everything changes despite the fact that I may not be around to notice it. To me, it seems as though my hometown hasn't really changed all that much.
Thinking about how my hometown doesn't seem to have changed much made me also think about myself and how I really haven't changed that much. At least not since high school that is. I look at pictures from when I was in high school and now and I look the same. I haven't really changed. I still look the same as ever.
Tonight at church, I was looking around and saw a few people that I grew up knowing and thought about how much different they look now. They have changed. They look different. But me? Not really. At least my appearance hasn't changed. I know I've changed in other ways though especially since being away from my family. I sometimes wish I could look a bit different. Even my style of dress hasn't changed all that much. My mom keeps saying that I should dress differently. That I need to dress more grown up. The problem is though, that it just doesn't seem like me.
It's still a few years away but I'm already thinking about my 10 year high school reunion. I probably won't go but I know that if I do, I won't look much different from when I graduated. I know it'll be only 10 years but still. You would think I would look at least somewhat different but I don't. I know my friends will comment on that fact and it does tend to bother me a bit.
I look at others my age and I'll admit that I sometimes am jealous of them. They can pull off the more grown up look. I don't seem to be able to do that. For one thing, I look a lot younger than 23. I look more like a high school student than a graduate student! I'm not complaining about that much though. I like that I look younger and I'm grateful for it. There's also the fact that I'm petite in size. I'm only 5'2". My nephew is 12 and he already is about a head taller than I am. I guess I could also blame myself some for the fact that I don't dress my age. I'm really comfortable with jeans(or capris when it's warm) and a t-shirt and my hair pulled back in a ponytail and tennis shoes. That's what I wear on pretty much a daily basis I can't do a lot with my hair because it's very curly/wavy and it's hard to keep nice and neat when it's down so normally I just put it up. I'm trying to grow my hair long enough to cut it for Locks for Love which is why I don't just cut it. (It's not quite long enough yet). I have some nice tops and pants that I could wear if I were working but I'm not currently. Plus, I only really dress up on special occasions (Christmas and Easter mostly). I also just don't really go to many places that require me to dress up nice.
Another thing is that I don't wear makeup on a regular basis. The only time I do is for special occasions. Also, I have skin problems and feel it's just better to not make it worse. Plus, my mom has told me that I really don't need to wear makeup because I'm pretty enough without it. I believe that but sometimes I feel like I still should. But as I've already said, I don't really go anywhere anymore so why bother? When I was student teaching in Spring 2010, I had to dress nice everyday and I wore makeup everyday because I needed to look more grownup (they were elementary students). I honestly got tired of wearing the nice clothes and makeup everyday. I would come home afterwards and change into more comfortable clothing and wash off the makeup. I just never got used to dressing up and got tired of it.
The truth is that it's hard for me to really look older when I don't look that old to begin with. I admit that I need a style makeover. The problem is that I don't know where to begin. I feel like I should make a change but at the same time, I don't. It's just complicated. I've changed inside so why can't it be reflected on the outside?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
A gray cloud
Lately, I've just felt like there's this gray cloud hanging over me and I can't get rid of it. I'm not sure when this cloud developed but it seems to have taken over my life lately more often than I would like it too.
I just feel a sense of being unsatisfied with my life right now. Mostly with my social life or lack there of as well as lack of real life friends. I have friends but they live in Oklahoma or elsewhere. I don't have anyone locally that I can hang out with on Friday nights or anything. I don't have anyone I can just call up and go hang out somewhere. I wish I did. I don't even know where to begin. The fact that all my classes are online and that I'm not currently working, limits my exposure to people and makes in extremely difficult to form friendships. I am lonely. I'm not going to lie about that. The fact that I spend a lot of my time inside my apartment by myself for hours or sometimes even days probably doesn't help any. That's the sad truth. I don't go very places because I don't have any real reason to or anyone to go with. It's true that some days I don't even set foot outside of my apartment. I know it's not healthy to lock myself away but I don't really know what else to do.
I can't even try my church because I go to an actual church as opposed to a campus one and while there are college students that attend, there are few and far in between from what I can tell.
An incident happened not to long ago that made me blame myself for what happened. I feel that because I felt so lonely, I made it happened though I know it's not the case and I have friends that helped me realize this. It certainly made me think though.
I know I need to seek some help. It's gotten to that point. After the incident occurred, I wanted to go talk to someone about it. I talked to a friend which helped a great deal. Enough to where I was ok with not going to seek professional counseling for awhile. Yet, I still have been wanting to go and discuss what happened even though it's been a few months and doesn't bother me so much anymore. Lately though, I have felt more of a need to go and not just because of what happened. Lately, I just have been sort of unsatisfied with my life situation. I'm not so much unhappy with where I am as far as school. No, what I'm truly unsatisfied with is just everything else in general. I'm lonely and I'm bored with what I'm doing or not doing but not sure how to fix it. I'm tired of not having much to do everyday besides homework. I want to be able to do more things but I have no idea what. I've been volunteering with the public library this semester and that's helped some but not enough since it's only a few times a month (3 times for this month). I need to find a job but I don't seem to have the motivation to do it. I want to be more active but I'm not. I've just basically become a hermit. That's just what it seems. I feel like I complain about my life more and I feel a bit homesick more and definitely lonely more. In December, prior to Winter break, I spent an awesome weekend with some friends in Oklahoma and I had a blast. I needed that. I also went home for the break and spent time with family and enjoyed that too. However, it seems that ever since then, I've just been feeling more and more alone and missing all that. I get to go back home in a couple of weeks to celebrate my 23rd birthday and to spend my Spring Break and I'm eager for it to come. Yet part of me feels like that's all I live for now. I feel like the only reason I come back here to Denton, is so that I can look forward to going back home again. It's like I don't have a reason to be here and technically I don't. I'm taking classes online. All I need is a computer with Internet access and I'm good. The reason, I'm here is so that I can possible find a job (which I haven't yet). Also, since I'm eventually aiming to stay in Texas, it's better for me to live here and possibly find a job here so that when I do finally graduate, I'd have a better shot at staying here in Texas.
It's not like I don't like it here. I do in a way. It's something different for me. It's still a ways away from family though but it's ok here.
All this loneliness and such lately has made me realize that I truly need to get professional help. It's not like I haven't had any before. A year ago last semester, I actually had a nervous breakdown. It was so bad that I got lightheaded and was shaking. After that incident, I immediately sought help from counseling. They helped me work out things and I felt that I was doing much better. In fact, I know I was because, I felt much better than I had been.
Things seemed like they were under control again for awhile and for the most part at least until the week I graduated last year. That's when things happened and got hectic.
I haven't posted the blog post on this although it's mostly typed up at this point. To simplify things: I found out that I wasn't getting into the Grad School program at OSU like I originally had planned.Therefore, I would be needing to find another program and move. I find this out on the day my parents were heading up to celebrate my Graduation. The next few days leading up Saturday was a roller coaster of emotions for me. We packed up my apartment and put things in storage, celebrated my graduation with my brother and uncle and aunt, and then we drove all the way to Denton to get information about the MLS program here. I had to get my application materials in and everything by July and it was just basically a bit chaotic and everything.
I'm not sure if this whole thing has something to do with the gray cloud that's hanging over me now but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Quite honestly, it's not like I haven't felt the loneliness before. It's been there for a long while. Pretty much, it's just part of me. I've never really had any close friends. I've had acquaintances but never any real friends. Maybe it's just because I've spent more time with awesome friends since I've moved or something, that I feel the loneliness more.
I admit that at times I worry about myself in this state. I'm afraid that I could hit rock bottom and that frightens me. I don't think that my friends and family would ever let me get to that point though because I know they would do something to help. There's Tumblr rant blogs that show just how unhappy I've been lately.
I still don't think I'm fully depressed because I haven't lost interest in things I love. I still love reading and do, Istill love Harry Potter and obsesses about that, and all sort of things. Things still interest me. My friends and family are still awesome and supportive and never cease to remind me just how truly amazing they are.
Yet, the truth is that my family doesn't actually know about how I truly am feeling lately, At least my parents don't. My brother on the other hand, possibly a little bit. Or if they do I haven't said anything to them and they haven't said anything to me either. My friends know, because they follow me on Tumblr and on twitter and have read my postings. I feel that I'm hiding all this hurt and sadness behind a mask. Like I'm trying to make my parents think I'm doing alright when actually I feel sad and lonely. They know that I'm lonely because I've told them but I don't think they know just how it's been affecting me. I feel as though I don't want them to know. I'm sure they can tell but I don't want to come right out and tell them just yet. I haven't even told them about the incident though part of me would like to. I'm just worried that if I do, they might not think I'm safe here anymore or something.
Perhaps I should go back to writing poetry again. I remember in 8th and 9th grade, poetry seemed to help me get through things. Perhaps I should go back to that. Or writing. Something to help me get things out and make me feel better, like this.
If the tone of this blog really concerns you about me. Don't be. I'm truly alright. I just have my moments. I'm not going to do anything crazy. I promise. I'm not like that. I have reasons to exist. I have my family and my friends. I have a nephew who loves me to no end and who I love just as much if not more. He's everything to me.I have so much going for me and so many people who care about me that I wouldn't even consider it no matter how down I may get. I'm constantly reminded of this; on a daily basis in fact. I have big plans for my life.I'm working to make my dreams come true. I'm not going to quit now!
It comes down to this. I just need to go get some help. I need to get some counseling. I just need someone to talk to and help me work things out. Help get my life back together.
I just feel a sense of being unsatisfied with my life right now. Mostly with my social life or lack there of as well as lack of real life friends. I have friends but they live in Oklahoma or elsewhere. I don't have anyone locally that I can hang out with on Friday nights or anything. I don't have anyone I can just call up and go hang out somewhere. I wish I did. I don't even know where to begin. The fact that all my classes are online and that I'm not currently working, limits my exposure to people and makes in extremely difficult to form friendships. I am lonely. I'm not going to lie about that. The fact that I spend a lot of my time inside my apartment by myself for hours or sometimes even days probably doesn't help any. That's the sad truth. I don't go very places because I don't have any real reason to or anyone to go with. It's true that some days I don't even set foot outside of my apartment. I know it's not healthy to lock myself away but I don't really know what else to do.
I can't even try my church because I go to an actual church as opposed to a campus one and while there are college students that attend, there are few and far in between from what I can tell.
An incident happened not to long ago that made me blame myself for what happened. I feel that because I felt so lonely, I made it happened though I know it's not the case and I have friends that helped me realize this. It certainly made me think though.
I know I need to seek some help. It's gotten to that point. After the incident occurred, I wanted to go talk to someone about it. I talked to a friend which helped a great deal. Enough to where I was ok with not going to seek professional counseling for awhile. Yet, I still have been wanting to go and discuss what happened even though it's been a few months and doesn't bother me so much anymore. Lately though, I have felt more of a need to go and not just because of what happened. Lately, I just have been sort of unsatisfied with my life situation. I'm not so much unhappy with where I am as far as school. No, what I'm truly unsatisfied with is just everything else in general. I'm lonely and I'm bored with what I'm doing or not doing but not sure how to fix it. I'm tired of not having much to do everyday besides homework. I want to be able to do more things but I have no idea what. I've been volunteering with the public library this semester and that's helped some but not enough since it's only a few times a month (3 times for this month). I need to find a job but I don't seem to have the motivation to do it. I want to be more active but I'm not. I've just basically become a hermit. That's just what it seems. I feel like I complain about my life more and I feel a bit homesick more and definitely lonely more. In December, prior to Winter break, I spent an awesome weekend with some friends in Oklahoma and I had a blast. I needed that. I also went home for the break and spent time with family and enjoyed that too. However, it seems that ever since then, I've just been feeling more and more alone and missing all that. I get to go back home in a couple of weeks to celebrate my 23rd birthday and to spend my Spring Break and I'm eager for it to come. Yet part of me feels like that's all I live for now. I feel like the only reason I come back here to Denton, is so that I can look forward to going back home again. It's like I don't have a reason to be here and technically I don't. I'm taking classes online. All I need is a computer with Internet access and I'm good. The reason, I'm here is so that I can possible find a job (which I haven't yet). Also, since I'm eventually aiming to stay in Texas, it's better for me to live here and possibly find a job here so that when I do finally graduate, I'd have a better shot at staying here in Texas.
It's not like I don't like it here. I do in a way. It's something different for me. It's still a ways away from family though but it's ok here.
All this loneliness and such lately has made me realize that I truly need to get professional help. It's not like I haven't had any before. A year ago last semester, I actually had a nervous breakdown. It was so bad that I got lightheaded and was shaking. After that incident, I immediately sought help from counseling. They helped me work out things and I felt that I was doing much better. In fact, I know I was because, I felt much better than I had been.
Things seemed like they were under control again for awhile and for the most part at least until the week I graduated last year. That's when things happened and got hectic.
I haven't posted the blog post on this although it's mostly typed up at this point. To simplify things: I found out that I wasn't getting into the Grad School program at OSU like I originally had planned.Therefore, I would be needing to find another program and move. I find this out on the day my parents were heading up to celebrate my Graduation. The next few days leading up Saturday was a roller coaster of emotions for me. We packed up my apartment and put things in storage, celebrated my graduation with my brother and uncle and aunt, and then we drove all the way to Denton to get information about the MLS program here. I had to get my application materials in and everything by July and it was just basically a bit chaotic and everything.
I'm not sure if this whole thing has something to do with the gray cloud that's hanging over me now but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Quite honestly, it's not like I haven't felt the loneliness before. It's been there for a long while. Pretty much, it's just part of me. I've never really had any close friends. I've had acquaintances but never any real friends. Maybe it's just because I've spent more time with awesome friends since I've moved or something, that I feel the loneliness more.
I admit that at times I worry about myself in this state. I'm afraid that I could hit rock bottom and that frightens me. I don't think that my friends and family would ever let me get to that point though because I know they would do something to help. There's Tumblr rant blogs that show just how unhappy I've been lately.
I still don't think I'm fully depressed because I haven't lost interest in things I love. I still love reading and do, Istill love Harry Potter and obsesses about that, and all sort of things. Things still interest me. My friends and family are still awesome and supportive and never cease to remind me just how truly amazing they are.
Yet, the truth is that my family doesn't actually know about how I truly am feeling lately, At least my parents don't. My brother on the other hand, possibly a little bit. Or if they do I haven't said anything to them and they haven't said anything to me either. My friends know, because they follow me on Tumblr and on twitter and have read my postings. I feel that I'm hiding all this hurt and sadness behind a mask. Like I'm trying to make my parents think I'm doing alright when actually I feel sad and lonely. They know that I'm lonely because I've told them but I don't think they know just how it's been affecting me. I feel as though I don't want them to know. I'm sure they can tell but I don't want to come right out and tell them just yet. I haven't even told them about the incident though part of me would like to. I'm just worried that if I do, they might not think I'm safe here anymore or something.
Perhaps I should go back to writing poetry again. I remember in 8th and 9th grade, poetry seemed to help me get through things. Perhaps I should go back to that. Or writing. Something to help me get things out and make me feel better, like this.
If the tone of this blog really concerns you about me. Don't be. I'm truly alright. I just have my moments. I'm not going to do anything crazy. I promise. I'm not like that. I have reasons to exist. I have my family and my friends. I have a nephew who loves me to no end and who I love just as much if not more. He's everything to me.I have so much going for me and so many people who care about me that I wouldn't even consider it no matter how down I may get. I'm constantly reminded of this; on a daily basis in fact. I have big plans for my life.I'm working to make my dreams come true. I'm not going to quit now!
It comes down to this. I just need to go get some help. I need to get some counseling. I just need someone to talk to and help me work things out. Help get my life back together.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Weird dream
I'm used to having strange and weird dreams and to no surprise I had another one last night. Now last night was certainly not the weirdest I've had but it certainly made me think.
So I don't know what exactly led to this particular dream. Like there isn't any particular event in the day before that I would think led up to it. Now from past days, yes. So perhaps my dream was delayed or something.
Anyways, I had a dream that I was hanging out with Hank and John Green of the Vlogbrothers. We were just hanging out. I don't really know why but there we were. We came across one of the Coca-Cola flavors from around the world centers. Now if it was in Disney World's Ice Station Cool or not I don't remember or even know. I just remember being inside. Hank had taken off somewhere so it was just John and I hanging out. Being that I've experienced the flavors around the world before (At least 3 times), I watched as John sampled some of the flavors. Then I suggested that he try the drink flavor from Italy called Beverley. Now, this flavor of drink is perhaps the most disgusting of all the flavors ever. Seriously, after you taste it you feel like puking. So I watched John try it and his reaction was hilarious! After he tried, it we both agreed that we wouldn't make Hank try it but to save it for a future punishment idea.
This gave me an idea that if Hank or John are ever in an area where they have a Coca-Cola Flavors Around the World thing, that we should either challenge or punish them to try Beverley. It's punishing enough, trust me.And that was my weird dream.
So I don't know what exactly led to this particular dream. Like there isn't any particular event in the day before that I would think led up to it. Now from past days, yes. So perhaps my dream was delayed or something.
Anyways, I had a dream that I was hanging out with Hank and John Green of the Vlogbrothers. We were just hanging out. I don't really know why but there we were. We came across one of the Coca-Cola flavors from around the world centers. Now if it was in Disney World's Ice Station Cool or not I don't remember or even know. I just remember being inside. Hank had taken off somewhere so it was just John and I hanging out. Being that I've experienced the flavors around the world before (At least 3 times), I watched as John sampled some of the flavors. Then I suggested that he try the drink flavor from Italy called Beverley. Now, this flavor of drink is perhaps the most disgusting of all the flavors ever. Seriously, after you taste it you feel like puking. So I watched John try it and his reaction was hilarious! After he tried, it we both agreed that we wouldn't make Hank try it but to save it for a future punishment idea.
This gave me an idea that if Hank or John are ever in an area where they have a Coca-Cola Flavors Around the World thing, that we should either challenge or punish them to try Beverley. It's punishing enough, trust me.And that was my weird dream.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Adventures in Icy weather
So tomorrow evening and into Tuesday morning, there is a Winter Storm expected. Already an alert has been posted. According to a news report I read on Yahoo! news, sleet,freezing rain, and ice are expected with this storm.
This means that I better make sure I'm stocked up tomorrow and get what I need to get done then. If there's ice expected, there is no way I'm setting foot outside my apartment.
Thanks to living in Oklahoma for about 2 years, I've had my share of experiences with ice (and wintry weather in general) and none were very pleasant.
One experience was ironically on the first day of Spring last year. My mom and I were driving back to Oklahoma from New Mexico. Technically we were somewhere between Texas and New Mexico and not yet in Oklahoma when we ran into ice but still. I was driving and lost control of the car on a patch of black ice. We spun out but thankfully neither the car nor my mom and I were hurt. The car hit a snow drift on the side of the road.It was open field and there were no other cars to be seen anywhere.
The other experience happened during January 2009 when I was in Oklahoma at OSU (I might have mentioned it before). It starting sleeting one day and the roads and sidewalks got really icy. I had a class that afternoon and of course, the campus wasn't closed yet but my professor hadn't canceled either, which meant I had to brave the slippery sidewalks to get to class. That was experience. I lived only 2 blocks away from the campus which on a normal day would've taken me about 10 minutes to walk to class. I don't know how long it took me to walk that day. I know I left with plenty of time though but it still felt like forever. I tried to be extremely careful walking because I didn't want to fall. I managed to walk about a block sticking close to the buildings the entire time. Then I got to a crossing and there was nothing to hold on to. I struggled to cross because it was just too slick. I nearly fell twice just trying to cross. I even considered going back and not going to class but I didn't want to have the absence on my record if I could avoid it. I finally managed to get to class safely and without falling but it wasn't fun. To top it off when we were nearly finished with our class, the announcement came that they were closing the campus. Well, my professor had no choice but to let us leave since she had to get back to Tulsa anyway. So I had to make my way back on the icy sidewalks to my apartment. I finally made it back. But after that I told myself I would never go out when it was icy again if I absolutely did not need to. On a more positive note, at least I didn't have to go in to work that evening (I wasn't going to anyway, I would have called in. I didn't want to be driving on those icy roads). My boss had called and told me not to come in due to the bad weather.
So yeah. I've just made the decision to not go outside or anywhere when the roads and sidewalks are icy. It's not worth risking my safety.
This means that I better make sure I'm stocked up tomorrow and get what I need to get done then. If there's ice expected, there is no way I'm setting foot outside my apartment.
Thanks to living in Oklahoma for about 2 years, I've had my share of experiences with ice (and wintry weather in general) and none were very pleasant.
One experience was ironically on the first day of Spring last year. My mom and I were driving back to Oklahoma from New Mexico. Technically we were somewhere between Texas and New Mexico and not yet in Oklahoma when we ran into ice but still. I was driving and lost control of the car on a patch of black ice. We spun out but thankfully neither the car nor my mom and I were hurt. The car hit a snow drift on the side of the road.It was open field and there were no other cars to be seen anywhere.
The other experience happened during January 2009 when I was in Oklahoma at OSU (I might have mentioned it before). It starting sleeting one day and the roads and sidewalks got really icy. I had a class that afternoon and of course, the campus wasn't closed yet but my professor hadn't canceled either, which meant I had to brave the slippery sidewalks to get to class. That was experience. I lived only 2 blocks away from the campus which on a normal day would've taken me about 10 minutes to walk to class. I don't know how long it took me to walk that day. I know I left with plenty of time though but it still felt like forever. I tried to be extremely careful walking because I didn't want to fall. I managed to walk about a block sticking close to the buildings the entire time. Then I got to a crossing and there was nothing to hold on to. I struggled to cross because it was just too slick. I nearly fell twice just trying to cross. I even considered going back and not going to class but I didn't want to have the absence on my record if I could avoid it. I finally managed to get to class safely and without falling but it wasn't fun. To top it off when we were nearly finished with our class, the announcement came that they were closing the campus. Well, my professor had no choice but to let us leave since she had to get back to Tulsa anyway. So I had to make my way back on the icy sidewalks to my apartment. I finally made it back. But after that I told myself I would never go out when it was icy again if I absolutely did not need to. On a more positive note, at least I didn't have to go in to work that evening (I wasn't going to anyway, I would have called in. I didn't want to be driving on those icy roads). My boss had called and told me not to come in due to the bad weather.
So yeah. I've just made the decision to not go outside or anywhere when the roads and sidewalks are icy. It's not worth risking my safety.
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