For some reason tonight, I have just been in a depressed mood. I've been so close to crying (and have shed a few tears already) and I really can't understand why. For some reason, I think the fact that my nephew getting ready to leave just makes me realize that pretty soon I will be leaving again too. Why the idea of leaving again has hit me so hard tonight is beyond me.
So my nephew and my parents and I will be driving to Arizona on Monday and will be there for a couple of days. Normally my brother and sister-in-law would drive here to NM over the 4th of July to celebrate the holiday with us and then drive back with my nephew. However, because the 4th falls on an awkward day this year, it doesn't work out. Since my dad has an appointment at a clinic there in Arizona, it makes sense for us just to take my nephew back a week early. So that's what we are doing.
Despite the fact that he annoys me sometimes and I get frustrated with him, I really really love my nephew and enjoy it when he's here. The fact that it'll be a lot quieter after he's gone just really makes me sad and makes me realize how fast this month has gone. I still have time to enjoy with my parents but still, it will certainly be quiet with my nephew gone.
I guess the problem is that the quiet makes me feel lonelier. The quiet reminds me of being in my own apartment in Denton. It's just a whole chain reaction thing. I can't help but think about leaving myself now that my nephew will be leaving. I think about returning back to my quiet apartment where I'm alone. I don't like thinking about it and try hard not to but sometimes it hits me. Quite honestly, if I really had the choice, I'm not sure I'd want to go back. Thinking about my apartment and being alone also brings up what happened.
Right now I feel safe. Right now I feel happy. Honestly, I'm scared to go back. I realize I'm an adult but still. Sometimes I long to be a carefree innocent child again. That's not going to happen.
I wouldn't be surprised if the fear is partly because I haven't told them what happened. I don't feel like I can yet. While I know I'd be sad to leave regardless if this hadn't happened, but I'm more reluctant to leave because it did happen. Going back means going back to the memories of what happened and being afraid it will happen again.
Really though, I shouldn't be thinking about it yet. I still have at least another month and a half before I head back. I need to not think about it and just enjoy the time I have left.
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