I've had a lot of the same things going on in my mind lately. The same things I've talked about over and over about already in previous blog posts. Nothing seems to change. My life has become a continuous loop of the same problems. I can't even tell if things are getting better or not. If I'm getting better.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain about the same things on this blog. It's become repetitious. I don't want to keep complaining about the same things all the time but what else can I do. Still it seems to help me when I blog about my problems. Even if they happen to be repeatitious.
So here I am again talking about things on my mind. Things I've already talked about before. This blog post is going to be random (and really long) but here it goes.
I'm still not happy here although things are looking up somewhat. For one thing, I'm no longer living in fear everyday of my neighbor since I found out that he is no longer living here. It was confirmed for me this week when I went to talk to my landlord. I hadn't seen the neighbor's car or him at all since I returned from Summer break. What used to be his apartment, had potted plants sitting outside and I'd seen a lady.I already felt a bit of relief thinking that he wasn't there anymore. However, I wasn't going to relax completely until I was absolutely certain. Sure enough, when I found out from my landlord, a tidal wave of relief coursed through my body. According to my landlord, the neighbor just up and left in the middle of the night one day. It sounds highly suspicious but no matter. The point is that he is no longer here and I feel so much better now. I'll admit that on the drive back, I was hoping and praying that he was no longer living here. The closer we got to Denton, the more anxious I got. The feelings and memories of what happened are still there. When we finally pulled onto my street, I was just really praying that I wouldn't have to see him anymore. I certainly got my wish.
Not that this has happened, I feel a sense of freedom. I feel like I can finally break my silence over what happened. Well, at least I can break my silence to my family. I've already told my closest friends and therapists. I'm still a bit hesitant about telling my family though. But I feel that now at least, I could tell them when I'm truly ready. If that makes sense.
I'm still struggling with the fact that it's been 2 years since I've moved here and that nothing has truly changed in terms of me feeling like I'm settling in. I just still feel frustrated that after 2 years of trying, I'm still just as friendless here as I was when I first moved. I just feel like I should have settled in here but I haven't. I've tried to make friends but haven't really done so. Again though, there is a bit of hope though. Last semester, I discovered someone via a Tumblr for Librarians who not only lives in Denton and goes to UNT but she also is a Harry Potter fan; is a Hufflepuff like me and owns the same T-shirt I do; is also a SLIS student; and is the same age I am. I've also recently found out that she is a Nerdfighter as well (or at least things have implied that she is). I found her Facebook and became friends with her. I'm hoping to try and meet up with her this semester. Perhaps my luck has changed? Who knows? Maybe I'll finally make a friend here. That certainly would be nice.
While we are on the subject of online friends, I don't know why I'm still secretly creeping on those two undergrad Library Science majors that also attend UNT and live here. I creeped on their Tumblrs and Twitters last night in fact. It was briefly though and I'm still not sure why I did. I guess I was just curious. I hadn't done so in a long time but I guess I was feeling a bit lonely and bored so I ended up creeping. Strangely enough though, it didn't really interest me what they were doing. I didn't feel the need or desire to attempt to make friends with them again. At least not like what it's felt like previously. I glanced at their Twitters and Tumblrs just briefly and what I saw didn't really interest me so I let it go. In other words, I think I'm finally letting go. Their lives don't interest me that much anymore. Sure it would have been nice to be friends with them and we share things in common but I'm starting to not care anymore. Then again, they are the ones who didn't want to be friends with me. I guess I'm starting to grow up in that way. After all I am a graduate student with a lot more college experience than either of the 2 of them. They still have a long way to go as far as their programs are concerned while I'm at the end of mine. They still have to get their undergrad degree! I'm at the end of my Masters!
Which makes me think about this possible new friend. I only know her online right now but unlike the other two, something about this new friend tells me she's genuine. Just something about her seems like she's a good person. Someone I would want to be friends with. It also helps that she's the same age as me. There's something to be said about being friends with people who are close in age to you. Unlike being 19 and 20 years of age. Also there's the fact that being a graduate student is a different experience than being an undergrad.Still I only know her online right now through Facebook. I realize that knowing someone IRL, even meeting them IRL, is a lot different than knowing them online. Trust me I know this. After all, I met my friend Travis online and only knew him that way
for the longest time.But there was something about him that told me he was going to be a good person. After all, he offered to help a fellow nerdfighter who was a complete stranger to him (and who also attended a rival college! ). When we really got to know each other, just something about his personality and mine just meshed well. Same when I met my other friends. Something about it just clicked. It's different when I think back to meeting the other 2 people I only knew from the Internet. Well technically only the 1 person. The one that later ended up blocking me on Twitter. When I met her in person, she was coming to look at the school here. She knew the other girl. The ukelele one. But something about the ukelele girl just didn't set well with me when we first met. Something about her personality. Then I tried to get to know her more online but the more I got to know her, the more I felt that while shared things in common, I just didn't really like her. Her personality was just not meshing with mine. The other girl and I got along fine. I thought we'd become at least friends IRL now that she was going to be closer. Still though I was 5 years older than her. My experiences were different. Even though she and I had been online friends for some time and had gotten to know each other through a channel collab project, I still felt I didn't really know her. Just after meeting that one time, I still thought she and I could be friends IRL as well as online. She seemed like someone I could be friends with despite our age differences. But I guess it just wasn't meant to be, since I said something that offended her and she blocked me from contacting her on Twitter. Since then, I've certainly seen her in a different light.
The point is that I have a good feeling about this potential new friend. When I think about it, I guess I can say I had a similar feeling prior to meeting my friend Travis and some of my other friends. Of course that feeling has been wrong before (see above) but still. Something just seems "right" about this new potential friend.
Sidenote: not to knock the undergrad thing or even the age thing. There's something to be said about a person's personality too. After all, not all of my good nerdfighter friends are the same age as me nor have they all graduated from college yet. Although we are all fairly close in age, the age difference between the youngest and me is only 2 years. I'm technically the oldest (I certainly don't act like I am though!) but not by very much. 2 years age difference though versus 4 or 5 does tend to make a bit of a difference though it seems.
As for the Twitter girl, I still have unresolved issues with her. I just really want to know what I said that offended her. Not knowing what I said bothers me. I mean I know what I said but I don't know why she'd have gotten so offended. Why she reacted so childishly (which it was childish. Again 5 years older than her!!) ? At first I wanted to make up and try being friends again, simply because I don't have anyone here and because we were friends online. Well used to be. Now though, I don't really care to be friends. I just want to resolve the issues. I just want closure. If I ever were to see her in person again, I don't know if I'd be brave enough to even ask what went wrong. Still though, I'd love to have the opportunity. Just to know. Just to apologize to her which I haven't been able to do. I apologized in a comment response to hers but I'm highly doubtful she ever read it. Maybe also now that time has passed she'd be more willing to talk to me. But I don't think that will ever happen. I can still hope though.
Going back to personalities and specifically Twitter girl, meeting her in person; getting to know her online; I would never have thought she'd end up acting so childishly. Nor would I believe that she'd be someone that uses a lot and I mean A LOT of cuss words so casually. Not sure if she does so IRL but she certainly does online. Again, I've been occasionally and silently creeping on her ever since she blocked me from Twitter. She uses a lot of language in her tweets! It's ridiculous. The ukelele girl does too! Not going to lie, but it bugs the crap out of me for some reason. Now my friends use language online too and so does my brother. Occasionally I've used it online too but only when reblogging Tumblr posts that already had the language in it. I don't like it when anyone uses it to be honest. I've discussed this previously in a blog post too. It just seems that ever since the girl blocked me though, I've just found even more reason to dislike her. Well, at least make me feel better about what happened. This is something that bugs me. The thing is that she seemed like someone who wouldn't use such language. At least not like she has.When I met her and when we were friends online. She seemed quiet and didn't say much. She really didn't say a whole lot. Boy she certainly says a lot online though and almost every other word seems to be a cuss word! I don't know why it bothers me when people use cuss words. I guess it just doesn't seem nice. It makes the person less credible. I mean, my brother uses a lot of cuss words. But he's family. I still don't like it but I've gotten used to it. My good nerdfighter friends use them too but yet, there's isn't as frequent it seems. With Twitter girl and Ukelele girl, they both use them so casually and so frequently. I don't know, but it just makes me think less of a person who uses cuss words so much.
Then again, I'm just someone who doesn't. Who really can't seem to cuss. I guess that's why it bothers me so much. I've always been taught they were "bad" words. Growing up, I was taught not to use them. Of course, as a child I did let one slip occasionally because I didn't know what it meant (what child hasn't done that? Think about it.) and of course, I got punished and lectured. I guess ever since then, I just learned there are certain words that you shouldn't say because they weren't nice. I guess it's stayed with me ever since then. I've heard the words growing up and certainly as a teenager. But even as an adult, I can't say them. I won't say them and it bothers me to hear others say them.
I'll admit that I'm giving myself more reason to not like Twitter girl using the fact that she uses cuss words so casually (same reasoning for the Ukelele girl although, I already didn't like her). I'm giving myself more ammunition. More reason to justify that I didn't really want to be friends with her anyway.
Finally (at least for this blog post), I go back to therapy on Wednesday. I have to start all over with another therapist. Which I was forewarned last semester that it could happen. Still though having to start again isn't exactly something I wanted to do. Truth be told while all the therapists I've had have been great (I'm including the short term counselors I saw as well), I kinda feel as though I should have sought non-University help. Perhaps having more stability by having the same therapist from the beginning, would make me feel more like I'm improving. I've had to explain my problems so much with each therapist having a slightly different way of helping me handle them. There has been some overlap. Still though, I probably should have looked into a therapist outside the University so perhaps my care wouldn't have been so varied.
I guess I've improved though. I really don't know. Some things have certainly gotten better but I find other things to deal with too. Really for me though, just having someone to talk to on a weekly basis has been helpful enough it seems. I just feel like I'm such a complex person that I may never really be fully fine. I don't understand why it has taken until moving here to Denton, to really push me over the edge. I know I've had some of these same issues for years. Why did it take the chaos that happened 2 years ago to finally break the strings inside me*and essentially cause me to go into a depression?
That much is what I'm trying to understand; what I'm wanting to understand. I'll admit that I've dealt with some of my problems on occasion before. Like I've said, I've been to counseling before but never like this. Not on a pretty constant/weekly basis and certainly not for this length of time. Also certainly not for some of the reasons I'm in it now. I sometimes wonder if I had been in regular counseling in the first place would I even be like this. Then again, I wonder if I even had reason to be in therapy/counseling prior to now.
I still lack confidence (which I always seem to have). I still have extreme fears of certain things. I'm not really motivated to find a job and I'm really uncertain about the future after graduating. I struggle to get rid of things. I don't ever want to leave home to come back here. I'm also still dealing with loneliness at times and just a general frustration that I can't seem to fix it. That I still feel like I'm stuck. That things should be better after 2 years of my living here. Apparently, I'm also a people-pleaser. I didn't really realize this until I was reading something. I don't know if all these are things my therapist can help me with but these are some things I'm currently dealing with.
Also I'm still feeling zero loyalty toward this school. To me it's just a school that happens to have offered my degree. I feel more loyalty to Oklahoma State and show loyalty to that school. I just feel no connection to this school simply because I'm not actual going to the school. I mean, the fact that my classes are online means I technically could be anywhere other than here in Denton. I mean, I really don't even have to walk if I didn't want to (which I am). I could just have my degree sent to me. Certainly, other graduates that aren't here locally probably won't be coming here just to walk the graduate line. I've tried to get involved with things on campus but that failed. I just don't feel connected to the University at all. I'd rather wear orange than green (and often do). I have 1 University of North Texas shirt and I don't even wear it that often. In fact, given the choice, I'd still pick Oklahoma State to wear over UNT. My mom is making me a t-shirt quilt and wants me to include a shirt from UNT but truth be told, I just don't want to. In a way, I guess I feel a bit of bitterness towards the school. Maybe? I don't really know. It's not my university. That's how I feel. I'm also not motivated to join the Alumi Association here. I know I probably should (and probably will) but the chances of me returning here to Denton for anything alumi related is zero at this point. Again, I'd rather go back to Stillwater and Oklahoma State events.
Well I guess I still have things I'm dealing with after all. It looks that way.
I'm sure I've lost all readers by this point due to the sheer length of this blog post, but give you major props if you've made it all this way. Just had a bunch of things (albeit repetitious things) on my mind that I needed to point into words. That is all. Thanks for letting me express my thoughts.
*points for those that get this reference
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