Guilt and Uncertainty

Today was my last session at the Psychology Clinic here at UNT. My last session at any clinic for awhile.

Guilt and uncertainty are the words to best summarize today’s final session.

Guilt over the fact that I really wish I could have another semester to work with my therapist. I feel like we were making great progress together. We've worked on so much together and I feel as though we were starting to get more into things but now I'm leaving.

I feel so guilty leaving her and I know she wishes we had more time together. It's such a shame we only had this semester together. I know there are things she could help me with; we could continue progressing with.

I feel guilty over the fact that we were making such progress. I feel guilty over the fact that we've only been together for a semester especially when I was already at the clinic for a year already prior to meeting her.

We discussed a lot.; finished up things. Talked a little bit about therapy in general and how things very from session to session and how it takes awhile for things to improve. Things that I worked on the previous semesters might not apply so much this semester. Basically, I guess she was trying to point out that just because I dealt with things already in therapy, that doesn't mean things were essentially "done"; that I was essentially "done" dealing with them.I told her about the quote and how I felt it applied a lot to my current situation and she agreed. 

We talked about this semester and if I felt I made progress. I told her I have. Things have certainly gotten better. Things will continue to improve though. I hope so.

I just really wish I could stay with her for another semester. I know given the chance both of us would take advantage of it. I can almost guarantee that she and I both would benefit immensely from me being able to stay.  She could continue working with me and possibly we'd be able to essentially "fix me"; resolve all my problems.

I feel that given another semester at the Psychology Clinic here, I'd be able to get better. Get back to a good place in my life with her help. Who knows, perhaps if I stayed here, there would be a chance that by the end of the semester, I'd no longer need therapy for awhile.

I can dream can't I? But unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Not unless some miracle happens and I end up somehow finding a job here in Denton for the semester while I'm at the same time working on finding a full-time job.

Still though, I do plan on continuing therapy. Somewhere. Somehow. I need to.

That much my therapist emphasized. She really wants me to find someone to continue my progress. She doesn't want me losing everything I've worked so hard to improve.

Uncertainty summarizes everything else discussed in therapy. My therapist picked up on that fact almost immediately. She could just sense how uncertain I felt; the most I’ve felt all semester.

It's horrible feeling this way but that's how it is. I'm so uncertain about everything. I don't know what to do anymore.

Everything is ending and it's almost overwhelming me. Therapy is ending, my life as I know it is essentially ending, I'll be moving, and then there's graduation. Just a lot going on at once.

I'm afraid. Afraid of leaving therapy. Afraid of what's to come.

We've made so much progress that it's hard for me to essentially start again. I've started over so many times but for what is perhaps the first time, I don't want to start over. I'd much rather not start over. I'm at a point where I feel that given one more semester, we could resolve a lot of my problems.

That would mean that I would have been at the Clinic for 2 years by that point and 2 years of continuous therapy would probably be enough for me to get back on track.

That's why I'm actually a bit leary about even finding someone when I go back home. Starting over with someone again there and the having to start over AGAIN when I eventually end up somewhere. Depending on how long it takes, it may or may not be worth it. Especially being that I'd have to have all my records sent from place to place.

I just have a lot of things on my mind; a lot of decisions to make and don't really know what to chose. Which was one of the other things my therapist pointed out to me. She felt as though I was pulling her into making a decision for me which she can't do and I know she can't but I guess I still kinda want her to. I need some guidance on how I can make such decisions myself.

I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming days and weeks. Things that won't be easy but I have to do them regardless.

There's also a slight fear I have regarding the fact that I feel like I'm slowly on a decline. Like I'm slowly getting closer and closer to a nervous breakdown.  I really think it's a possibility and it does worry me a bit.

I mean, I feel like I've made progress but at the same time I feel like I'm slowly going backwards if that makes sense. It's almost like I am starting to develop depression or anxiety. Like the supposed "borderline" is slowly becoming less so and more like a full on depression. Still though, I haven't been officially diagnosed yet.

The thing is that today my therapist asked me if I felt less interested in things. I didn't exactly give her an answer now that I think about it. I mean, I don't feel like I've lost a lot of interest in things. Not exactly I mean.

But now that I think about it, I wasn't being entirely truthful either. I have lost some interest in things. Not on purpose but more like I just have a lot on my mind lately and haven't really thought about them.

I've kinda lost interest in singing and playing my piano. In a lesser sense, I've lost some interest in the Internet and particularly social media sites. Mostly though, that's because no one really talks to me much anymore online so I don't see the point.

I still have things I enjoy and really I wouldn't say that I've lost interest entirely but perhaps the interest has dwindled somewhat.

There's also the fact that I basically admitted to her that I haven't felt really happy in some time.  I mean I just feel ok. Not sad exactly but not happy exactly.

I'm not trying to self-diagnose but perhaps I do have a bit of depression. Maybe it's escalated that far by now?

I don't know. What's going to happen now? I really don't know. That's perhaps the scariest part of all.

Part of me wishes I could stay here just to find out. It seems like at least here I have a chance at finding an answer.

My mental health

I've told you all that I'm in therapy. I've told you why I'm in therapy. I've told you the full story of one of the reasons why. I've told you about my first sessions and pretty much about all if that since. I've covered almost everything I think I can say about therapy and related topics at this point and yet I still find things to talk about regarding counseling and therapy.  Then there's the fact that each week I go in for a session and it brings up some more thoughts. Some more things to consider.

However, I'm not sure if I've ever specifically talked about my mental health in general here. I know I've mentioned it on my Writing Tumblr (which by the way if any of my readers here are on Tumblr as well and what to read more of my writing you can follow me here: http://aformofexpression.tumblr.com )

Forgive me if I've already talked about this on here already. With the increasing number of posts, I don't have a lot of time to go back and read to see what's already been covered and what hasn't.

Lately I've been thinking about my mental health in general. I've admitted that I've had mental health problems to people or at least I admit that I'm in therapy for mental health issues. I'm not ashamed of this.  By admitting that I'm in therapy, I'm admitting that I'm having problems with my mental health and that I know I need help. That I'm doing the responsible thing by seeking help. That I'm concerned for myself and my own well-being

No one told me to seek therapy. I made the decision on my own. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own.

In a questionnaire survey for my chiropractor, they asked questions regarding mental health and I answered them as honestly as I could. To me, it almost makes it seem as though answering the questions the way I did makes me seems as though I'm someone who has some serious issues regarding mental health.

At this point, when it comes to people asking about or wondering about if I have any mental health issues, I admit it. It's weird because I've never really thought about me having to admit it before. I've never really though of myself as being someone that would have mental health problems.

Yet, I still tend to admit it even though I don't really feel like I really have mental health issue. Well not really any serious mental health issues that would interfere with me being able to perform certain tasks or anything like that. I feel as though my mental health issues aren't even things that really interfere with my normal life. I feel as though I can mostly lead a normal life; function quite normally.

I have struggles and yes, there are some things that trigger some of my problems but really, I'm able to function despite everything. My mental health issues, in my opinon, aren't that serious.

I want to be honest with people though. I want them to know that I'm struggling with some mental health issues but at the same time, I don't want people to take it to the extreme. Yes, I am struggling with things but I'm still doing fine. In other words, if you were to just look at me, you couldn't tell that I was struggling. I don't show it or at least I try not to show it.

Lately too, when people talk about struggling with mental health issues like anxiety and depression, I feel as though I can relate to them. Posts that ask you to reblog or share if you have depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, etc. or any mental health issue,  I feel as though I have to reblog. I feel like I relate to these posts.

I've already admitted to have social anxiety. I've struggled with other problems yet not enough to really be diagnosed with them. Yet, I do have mental health problems even if they aren't that severe. After all, I'm in therapy for a reason.

Basically my mental health isn't all that great. It's not a severe as other people, in fact in comparison, I'd say it was fairly tame. But it's still at a point where it would do me more harm if I wasn't in therapy. My mental health is at a fragile point that who knows where I'd be right now if I hadn't sought therapy. 

I feel as though my mental health is in the middle. It's not severe yet at the same time, it's not all that simple.

Let me put it this way: I've been in therapy at the Psychology Clinic for over a year now. Recently my therapist asked me if I was planning on continuing therapy when I moved back home. If she didn't think I'd be ok without therapy or didn't need it anymore, I don't think she would have asked.  She obviously thinks I'd do better to continue therapy; that I need to continue.

However at the same time, my problems aren't that fragile or that high-priority that my last therapist couldn't give me up as a client. She had to make choices and I'm sure while it wasn't easy to let my case go she had other clients that were at a point where it would have done more harm to have them switch therapists. Perhaps she felt that I was someone who could adjust to the switch without too many problems. Maybe she might even have had a part in recommending who to take on my case when she couldn't this semester.

My mental health issues are real. Completely real. I can't just "get over them". These are things that aren't all that simple to fix. Obviously my problems are more complex since I'm still in therapy even after all this time. My problems weren't something that could be fixed with short-term counseling since they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. Instead of only taking a semester it's taken me over a year and longer. 

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

This is all happening in my head and yes, it is real. What's inside my head is completely real.