Guilt and Uncertainty

Today was my last session at the Psychology Clinic here at UNT. My last session at any clinic for awhile.

Guilt and uncertainty are the words to best summarize today’s final session.

Guilt over the fact that I really wish I could have another semester to work with my therapist. I feel like we were making great progress together. We've worked on so much together and I feel as though we were starting to get more into things but now I'm leaving.

I feel so guilty leaving her and I know she wishes we had more time together. It's such a shame we only had this semester together. I know there are things she could help me with; we could continue progressing with.

I feel guilty over the fact that we were making such progress. I feel guilty over the fact that we've only been together for a semester especially when I was already at the clinic for a year already prior to meeting her.

We discussed a lot.; finished up things. Talked a little bit about therapy in general and how things very from session to session and how it takes awhile for things to improve. Things that I worked on the previous semesters might not apply so much this semester. Basically, I guess she was trying to point out that just because I dealt with things already in therapy, that doesn't mean things were essentially "done"; that I was essentially "done" dealing with them.I told her about the quote and how I felt it applied a lot to my current situation and she agreed. 

We talked about this semester and if I felt I made progress. I told her I have. Things have certainly gotten better. Things will continue to improve though. I hope so.

I just really wish I could stay with her for another semester. I know given the chance both of us would take advantage of it. I can almost guarantee that she and I both would benefit immensely from me being able to stay.  She could continue working with me and possibly we'd be able to essentially "fix me"; resolve all my problems.

I feel that given another semester at the Psychology Clinic here, I'd be able to get better. Get back to a good place in my life with her help. Who knows, perhaps if I stayed here, there would be a chance that by the end of the semester, I'd no longer need therapy for awhile.

I can dream can't I? But unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Not unless some miracle happens and I end up somehow finding a job here in Denton for the semester while I'm at the same time working on finding a full-time job.

Still though, I do plan on continuing therapy. Somewhere. Somehow. I need to.

That much my therapist emphasized. She really wants me to find someone to continue my progress. She doesn't want me losing everything I've worked so hard to improve.

Uncertainty summarizes everything else discussed in therapy. My therapist picked up on that fact almost immediately. She could just sense how uncertain I felt; the most I’ve felt all semester.

It's horrible feeling this way but that's how it is. I'm so uncertain about everything. I don't know what to do anymore.

Everything is ending and it's almost overwhelming me. Therapy is ending, my life as I know it is essentially ending, I'll be moving, and then there's graduation. Just a lot going on at once.

I'm afraid. Afraid of leaving therapy. Afraid of what's to come.

We've made so much progress that it's hard for me to essentially start again. I've started over so many times but for what is perhaps the first time, I don't want to start over. I'd much rather not start over. I'm at a point where I feel that given one more semester, we could resolve a lot of my problems.

That would mean that I would have been at the Clinic for 2 years by that point and 2 years of continuous therapy would probably be enough for me to get back on track.

That's why I'm actually a bit leary about even finding someone when I go back home. Starting over with someone again there and the having to start over AGAIN when I eventually end up somewhere. Depending on how long it takes, it may or may not be worth it. Especially being that I'd have to have all my records sent from place to place.

I just have a lot of things on my mind; a lot of decisions to make and don't really know what to chose. Which was one of the other things my therapist pointed out to me. She felt as though I was pulling her into making a decision for me which she can't do and I know she can't but I guess I still kinda want her to. I need some guidance on how I can make such decisions myself.

I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming days and weeks. Things that won't be easy but I have to do them regardless.

There's also a slight fear I have regarding the fact that I feel like I'm slowly on a decline. Like I'm slowly getting closer and closer to a nervous breakdown.  I really think it's a possibility and it does worry me a bit.

I mean, I feel like I've made progress but at the same time I feel like I'm slowly going backwards if that makes sense. It's almost like I am starting to develop depression or anxiety. Like the supposed "borderline" is slowly becoming less so and more like a full on depression. Still though, I haven't been officially diagnosed yet.

The thing is that today my therapist asked me if I felt less interested in things. I didn't exactly give her an answer now that I think about it. I mean, I don't feel like I've lost a lot of interest in things. Not exactly I mean.

But now that I think about it, I wasn't being entirely truthful either. I have lost some interest in things. Not on purpose but more like I just have a lot on my mind lately and haven't really thought about them.

I've kinda lost interest in singing and playing my piano. In a lesser sense, I've lost some interest in the Internet and particularly social media sites. Mostly though, that's because no one really talks to me much anymore online so I don't see the point.

I still have things I enjoy and really I wouldn't say that I've lost interest entirely but perhaps the interest has dwindled somewhat.

There's also the fact that I basically admitted to her that I haven't felt really happy in some time.  I mean I just feel ok. Not sad exactly but not happy exactly.

I'm not trying to self-diagnose but perhaps I do have a bit of depression. Maybe it's escalated that far by now?

I don't know. What's going to happen now? I really don't know. That's perhaps the scariest part of all.

Part of me wishes I could stay here just to find out. It seems like at least here I have a chance at finding an answer.