Afraid

In which I talk about a lot of things and you thought things were random before...

I'm afraid.
That's really it.
I'm afraid.
Sometimes I'm not even sure exactly what I'm afraid of.
I guess I'm afraid of a lot of things and that's what's causing my anxiety and uncertainty.
I'm afraid of not being good enough in my job.
I'm afraid of not finding the right job.
I'm afraid that I'm not prepared enough; not ready.
I'm afraid that I'm making a mistake going into this career choice.
What if this isn't really what I'm supposed to be doing in life?
What if I just settled for something instead of really going for what I enjoy?
Is this really what I want to be doing?
I feel like I'll be happy with it but at the same time I'm not sure.
I don't know if I've made the right decision.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good enough.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to do this.
I know I'll make mistakes.
I know I'm not perfect.
Yet it still scares me.
I'm afraid of failing.
Of letting people down.
I'm afraid of not being happy with what I've decided to do.
I'm afraid of realizing that it's not what I want to do and regretting my decision.
I'm just afraid.

I don't really know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm so worried about exactly. I don't think I really even know.  Every time I try to figure it out, it doesn't make a lot of sense and I just get more anxious and depressed.

I've mentioned here already that I've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty lately. It hasn't gotten any better in the 2 weeks since my therapy sessions ended. In fact, it's almost as though things have gotten worse.

The uncertainty has increased. The same basic fears I was dealing with in therapy this semester have returned a bit. I'm feeling more anxiety; more depressed lately. I haven't been happy lately. I have moments where I just suddenly break down in tears for no apparent reason. I don't really understand what's going on with me. I'm starting to feel like perhaps there's something really wrong with me. I don't know what's going on in my mind. Nothing seems to make much sense anymore.

It's gotten to the point that I feel like I can't really talk to anyone in my family anymore. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to them. I feel like being silent. I don't feel like talking. It's not that I don't trust them. It's more like I feel like I can't explain what's going on because I don't really understand it myself. I also don't feel as though they just don't understand. They wouldn't understand. To them, I don't think it would make sense. They wouldn't understand the depth of my problems.  Then there are things that I just simply can't tell them. I just can't. I'd like to but just can't for some reason.

Adding to my anxiety and uncertainty is the fact that I don't really want to move back home but at the same time I know I financially can't stay in Denton anymore.

 The idea of having to find a job in the meantime while looking for a full time job also frightens me. It's not so much that I don't want to find one it's just that I don't exactly know where to look. I've mentioned that I'm a bit picky when it comes to jobs. I realize this is probably makes things even more difficult. But I just am picky. There's just certain jobs that I'm not interested in doing. Yet people can't understand that and really neither can I.  Most people would be willing to take a job just so they can make money to pay for things. I'm a bit more selective for some reason. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's partly because of my personality? I don't even know.

I don't want to work in a fast food restaurant or even a restaurant. Why? I don't know. So then where does that leave me? Not many other options. I honestly don't even know where I'd want to work. Even if it's just temporary. I have very few ideas.

It's been brought up several times that I should consider substituting in Elementary schools. I honestly just don't want to. I feel very strongly about this. I don't want to at all. In fact, to be honest, I'd rather forget that part of my educational career. Why? Because it makes me feel as though it was a waste of my time. It wasn't what I wanted but by the time I realized it, it was far too late.

Student teaching just really turned me off of ever being a teacher. I  strongly believe this. I honestly feel that it was partly because of my experience. I just didn't have the greatest experience. I feel like it was the school that I chose. From the beginning, when I told classmates where my student teaching would be, I'd get a less than enthusiastic response. I was told the students were rough being in a rural distract. It just didn't make me feel very positive going into the experience. With all the difficulties I had and the fact that I actually had a bit of a breakdown during the experience while teaching, it just made me realize how big of a mistake I was making. Perhaps if I had chosen a different school somewhere else, then maybe I would've had a better experience.

Then again, I remember going into the Elementary Education program, never really wanting to be a teacher. At least not in the classroom. I went into the program with the end result of wanting to be a school librarian. At least that was my plan. In order to get into the grad program at OSU, I had to go into Education of some type. Either Early Childhood or Elementary Education were my options. I went with Elementary Education because I enjoyed working more with that age range of children.

I remember my first couple of Elementary Education classes. How when I told everyone my plans, they would look at me a bit strangely. They didn't see the connection between me being a school librarian and taking Elementary Education classes to become a teacher.  At least not at first. But as my degreemates and I continued through our classes, they eventually came to understand. Somewhat. They knew by the end of our program that I was never intending to be a teacher but instead a school librarian.

I'm still not entirely sure why I thought school librarian or why I went into Elementary Education. I'm still not sure exactly what I was thinking. I never really wanted to be a teacher and that much I knew. I don't know really. I guess part of me figured I'd learn to love it. I guess part of me thought I'd come to love teaching. But I was wrong.I should have backed out. I should have switched majors. But I didn't. I should have backed out after my first field experience. That didn't go very well. My first experience I got stuck with 1st grade. My field experience as part of my literature class, I got stuck with Kindergarten. Both experiences weren't the greatest. I had already known I didn't really want to work with the youngest grades but I got stuck with two experiences in them. Neither of them went that well. They weren't horrible exactly but I just remember feeling a bit out of my element. I was so uncomfortable. Again, why didn't I back out when I had the chance?

None of my experiences were all that great and really I guess that's really why I don't want to teach even if it is just to substitute. I'm frankly terrified of being in a classroom again. Too many bad experiences. I can't handle the discipline. I'm guess I'm afraid of being haunted by all my bad experiences during my Elementary Education classes. I'm afraid of not being able to handle the children even if just for a day. Plus I guess I'm also a bit afraid of the whole substitute thing. I mean, I remember having substitutes. Some were nice and others not so much. But I also remember that sometimes we weren't always nice to them either. I guess I'm concerned about that. I'm afraid of the children picking up on my lack of confidence and taking advantage of me.

I really don't have a lot of options as far as temporary jobs are concerned. I'm not even sure what to look for as far as temporary jobs and I'm supposed to come up with a list of at least 5 possibilities. 5 possibilities here in my small hometown that doesn't have a lot of choices.

I don't even know what I want to look for in a job. All I know is what I don't want. I don't want restaurants or fast food and I don't want to substitute.I also don't want to work at Walmart which is really one of the only other options here. So what else is there? Not much here in my hometown.

Well, there are some things I've considered. I've thought about perhaps working in a bookstore of some type. I mean, I love books enough. It might be kinda fun to work in a bookstore of some type. Plus it wouldn't be much different than working in a library. Well, not exactly I feel.

I've considered working in a movie theater or perhaps even a coffee shop. As far as jobs besides working as a children's librarian, I think working in a hands-on science museum or children's museum might be fun.

But other than that, I really don't know what I should do; where I should focus.  I've only ever worked in libraries before. I don't really know anything else. I don't know exactly what I'd be suited for.

As it is, I'm a bit afraid of people. I realize this is probably strange coming from someone whose job is going to be working with the public.  I'm a shy sort of person. I need more experience working with the public but honestly the thought frightens me. 

Right now I'm focusing on youth services librarian jobs but if I don't find get a job like that, I'll have to change focus which also frightens me.

I realize the point is that I need to get my foot in the door somehow and at some sort of library. Once I do that I can move up if possible but even knowing that it still  makes me nervous.  I've been asked by family members on other possible library jobs I could focus on but so far, I haven't had many answers.

I have taken other courses throughout my Master's program but I don't feel strongly enough about the skills I supposedly learn to take a job in those areas. For instance, I know how to build databases from scratch basically but I don't exactly want to take a job position like that.  I also took a course on Cataloging and another in Academic Libraries. I even took a School Library course. However, I don't feel like I'm comfortable enough in those areas to focus on job positions in those areas.

I guess I could go for a librarian at a public library; one that works with adult services but for some reason even that doesn't comfort me exactly. I feel like I was trained well in one area and one area only and that was youth services. That was my focus. That's where I feel I have the most knowledge and feel the most comfortable with.

But I realize I might not find a Youth Services Librarian position right away which means I have to try elsewhere in a library. Another job position that while not exactly what I want will at least get me experience. Get me into a library. 

But what types of positions do I focus on and how do I overcome the fear that I seem to have of not being qualified enough? How do I get past the disappointment over it not being my ideal job position? How do I learn to be ok with it?

I guess the whole thing is that I want to enjoy what I'm doing in life. I want to be happy with what I'm doing and if I can't be happy, I don't really see the point of it.

The whole thing is that I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of a lot of things. Some things even I'm not sure what I'm afraid of exactly.

I'm afraid and I'm lost. I don't know when exactly I became so afraid.
I've never exactly been a very confident person to begin with but now I don't feel very confident at all.  I'm more afraid. I'm more anxious.  I'm afraid of what's next. I'm afraid of moving on. I'm afraid to become a working adult even though this is what I've worked fro for so long. I'm afraid that maybe I'm making a mistake; that maybe this isn't really what I'll be happy doing.

I'm just so afraid and I don't know how to get past it.

Guilt and Uncertainty

Today was my last session at the Psychology Clinic here at UNT. My last session at any clinic for awhile.

Guilt and uncertainty are the words to best summarize today’s final session.

Guilt over the fact that I really wish I could have another semester to work with my therapist. I feel like we were making great progress together. We've worked on so much together and I feel as though we were starting to get more into things but now I'm leaving.

I feel so guilty leaving her and I know she wishes we had more time together. It's such a shame we only had this semester together. I know there are things she could help me with; we could continue progressing with.

I feel guilty over the fact that we were making such progress. I feel guilty over the fact that we've only been together for a semester especially when I was already at the clinic for a year already prior to meeting her.

We discussed a lot.; finished up things. Talked a little bit about therapy in general and how things very from session to session and how it takes awhile for things to improve. Things that I worked on the previous semesters might not apply so much this semester. Basically, I guess she was trying to point out that just because I dealt with things already in therapy, that doesn't mean things were essentially "done"; that I was essentially "done" dealing with them.I told her about the quote and how I felt it applied a lot to my current situation and she agreed. 

We talked about this semester and if I felt I made progress. I told her I have. Things have certainly gotten better. Things will continue to improve though. I hope so.

I just really wish I could stay with her for another semester. I know given the chance both of us would take advantage of it. I can almost guarantee that she and I both would benefit immensely from me being able to stay.  She could continue working with me and possibly we'd be able to essentially "fix me"; resolve all my problems.

I feel that given another semester at the Psychology Clinic here, I'd be able to get better. Get back to a good place in my life with her help. Who knows, perhaps if I stayed here, there would be a chance that by the end of the semester, I'd no longer need therapy for awhile.

I can dream can't I? But unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Not unless some miracle happens and I end up somehow finding a job here in Denton for the semester while I'm at the same time working on finding a full-time job.

Still though, I do plan on continuing therapy. Somewhere. Somehow. I need to.

That much my therapist emphasized. She really wants me to find someone to continue my progress. She doesn't want me losing everything I've worked so hard to improve.

Uncertainty summarizes everything else discussed in therapy. My therapist picked up on that fact almost immediately. She could just sense how uncertain I felt; the most I’ve felt all semester.

It's horrible feeling this way but that's how it is. I'm so uncertain about everything. I don't know what to do anymore.

Everything is ending and it's almost overwhelming me. Therapy is ending, my life as I know it is essentially ending, I'll be moving, and then there's graduation. Just a lot going on at once.

I'm afraid. Afraid of leaving therapy. Afraid of what's to come.

We've made so much progress that it's hard for me to essentially start again. I've started over so many times but for what is perhaps the first time, I don't want to start over. I'd much rather not start over. I'm at a point where I feel that given one more semester, we could resolve a lot of my problems.

That would mean that I would have been at the Clinic for 2 years by that point and 2 years of continuous therapy would probably be enough for me to get back on track.

That's why I'm actually a bit leary about even finding someone when I go back home. Starting over with someone again there and the having to start over AGAIN when I eventually end up somewhere. Depending on how long it takes, it may or may not be worth it. Especially being that I'd have to have all my records sent from place to place.

I just have a lot of things on my mind; a lot of decisions to make and don't really know what to chose. Which was one of the other things my therapist pointed out to me. She felt as though I was pulling her into making a decision for me which she can't do and I know she can't but I guess I still kinda want her to. I need some guidance on how I can make such decisions myself.

I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming days and weeks. Things that won't be easy but I have to do them regardless.

There's also a slight fear I have regarding the fact that I feel like I'm slowly on a decline. Like I'm slowly getting closer and closer to a nervous breakdown.  I really think it's a possibility and it does worry me a bit.

I mean, I feel like I've made progress but at the same time I feel like I'm slowly going backwards if that makes sense. It's almost like I am starting to develop depression or anxiety. Like the supposed "borderline" is slowly becoming less so and more like a full on depression. Still though, I haven't been officially diagnosed yet.

The thing is that today my therapist asked me if I felt less interested in things. I didn't exactly give her an answer now that I think about it. I mean, I don't feel like I've lost a lot of interest in things. Not exactly I mean.

But now that I think about it, I wasn't being entirely truthful either. I have lost some interest in things. Not on purpose but more like I just have a lot on my mind lately and haven't really thought about them.

I've kinda lost interest in singing and playing my piano. In a lesser sense, I've lost some interest in the Internet and particularly social media sites. Mostly though, that's because no one really talks to me much anymore online so I don't see the point.

I still have things I enjoy and really I wouldn't say that I've lost interest entirely but perhaps the interest has dwindled somewhat.

There's also the fact that I basically admitted to her that I haven't felt really happy in some time.  I mean I just feel ok. Not sad exactly but not happy exactly.

I'm not trying to self-diagnose but perhaps I do have a bit of depression. Maybe it's escalated that far by now?

I don't know. What's going to happen now? I really don't know. That's perhaps the scariest part of all.

Part of me wishes I could stay here just to find out. It seems like at least here I have a chance at finding an answer.