Afraid

In which I talk about a lot of things and you thought things were random before...

I'm afraid.
That's really it.
I'm afraid.
Sometimes I'm not even sure exactly what I'm afraid of.
I guess I'm afraid of a lot of things and that's what's causing my anxiety and uncertainty.
I'm afraid of not being good enough in my job.
I'm afraid of not finding the right job.
I'm afraid that I'm not prepared enough; not ready.
I'm afraid that I'm making a mistake going into this career choice.
What if this isn't really what I'm supposed to be doing in life?
What if I just settled for something instead of really going for what I enjoy?
Is this really what I want to be doing?
I feel like I'll be happy with it but at the same time I'm not sure.
I don't know if I've made the right decision.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never be good enough.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to do this.
I know I'll make mistakes.
I know I'm not perfect.
Yet it still scares me.
I'm afraid of failing.
Of letting people down.
I'm afraid of not being happy with what I've decided to do.
I'm afraid of realizing that it's not what I want to do and regretting my decision.
I'm just afraid.

I don't really know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm so worried about exactly. I don't think I really even know.  Every time I try to figure it out, it doesn't make a lot of sense and I just get more anxious and depressed.

I've mentioned here already that I've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty lately. It hasn't gotten any better in the 2 weeks since my therapy sessions ended. In fact, it's almost as though things have gotten worse.

The uncertainty has increased. The same basic fears I was dealing with in therapy this semester have returned a bit. I'm feeling more anxiety; more depressed lately. I haven't been happy lately. I have moments where I just suddenly break down in tears for no apparent reason. I don't really understand what's going on with me. I'm starting to feel like perhaps there's something really wrong with me. I don't know what's going on in my mind. Nothing seems to make much sense anymore.

It's gotten to the point that I feel like I can't really talk to anyone in my family anymore. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to them. I feel like being silent. I don't feel like talking. It's not that I don't trust them. It's more like I feel like I can't explain what's going on because I don't really understand it myself. I also don't feel as though they just don't understand. They wouldn't understand. To them, I don't think it would make sense. They wouldn't understand the depth of my problems.  Then there are things that I just simply can't tell them. I just can't. I'd like to but just can't for some reason.

Adding to my anxiety and uncertainty is the fact that I don't really want to move back home but at the same time I know I financially can't stay in Denton anymore.

 The idea of having to find a job in the meantime while looking for a full time job also frightens me. It's not so much that I don't want to find one it's just that I don't exactly know where to look. I've mentioned that I'm a bit picky when it comes to jobs. I realize this is probably makes things even more difficult. But I just am picky. There's just certain jobs that I'm not interested in doing. Yet people can't understand that and really neither can I.  Most people would be willing to take a job just so they can make money to pay for things. I'm a bit more selective for some reason. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's partly because of my personality? I don't even know.

I don't want to work in a fast food restaurant or even a restaurant. Why? I don't know. So then where does that leave me? Not many other options. I honestly don't even know where I'd want to work. Even if it's just temporary. I have very few ideas.

It's been brought up several times that I should consider substituting in Elementary schools. I honestly just don't want to. I feel very strongly about this. I don't want to at all. In fact, to be honest, I'd rather forget that part of my educational career. Why? Because it makes me feel as though it was a waste of my time. It wasn't what I wanted but by the time I realized it, it was far too late.

Student teaching just really turned me off of ever being a teacher. I  strongly believe this. I honestly feel that it was partly because of my experience. I just didn't have the greatest experience. I feel like it was the school that I chose. From the beginning, when I told classmates where my student teaching would be, I'd get a less than enthusiastic response. I was told the students were rough being in a rural distract. It just didn't make me feel very positive going into the experience. With all the difficulties I had and the fact that I actually had a bit of a breakdown during the experience while teaching, it just made me realize how big of a mistake I was making. Perhaps if I had chosen a different school somewhere else, then maybe I would've had a better experience.

Then again, I remember going into the Elementary Education program, never really wanting to be a teacher. At least not in the classroom. I went into the program with the end result of wanting to be a school librarian. At least that was my plan. In order to get into the grad program at OSU, I had to go into Education of some type. Either Early Childhood or Elementary Education were my options. I went with Elementary Education because I enjoyed working more with that age range of children.

I remember my first couple of Elementary Education classes. How when I told everyone my plans, they would look at me a bit strangely. They didn't see the connection between me being a school librarian and taking Elementary Education classes to become a teacher.  At least not at first. But as my degreemates and I continued through our classes, they eventually came to understand. Somewhat. They knew by the end of our program that I was never intending to be a teacher but instead a school librarian.

I'm still not entirely sure why I thought school librarian or why I went into Elementary Education. I'm still not sure exactly what I was thinking. I never really wanted to be a teacher and that much I knew. I don't know really. I guess part of me figured I'd learn to love it. I guess part of me thought I'd come to love teaching. But I was wrong.I should have backed out. I should have switched majors. But I didn't. I should have backed out after my first field experience. That didn't go very well. My first experience I got stuck with 1st grade. My field experience as part of my literature class, I got stuck with Kindergarten. Both experiences weren't the greatest. I had already known I didn't really want to work with the youngest grades but I got stuck with two experiences in them. Neither of them went that well. They weren't horrible exactly but I just remember feeling a bit out of my element. I was so uncomfortable. Again, why didn't I back out when I had the chance?

None of my experiences were all that great and really I guess that's really why I don't want to teach even if it is just to substitute. I'm frankly terrified of being in a classroom again. Too many bad experiences. I can't handle the discipline. I'm guess I'm afraid of being haunted by all my bad experiences during my Elementary Education classes. I'm afraid of not being able to handle the children even if just for a day. Plus I guess I'm also a bit afraid of the whole substitute thing. I mean, I remember having substitutes. Some were nice and others not so much. But I also remember that sometimes we weren't always nice to them either. I guess I'm concerned about that. I'm afraid of the children picking up on my lack of confidence and taking advantage of me.

I really don't have a lot of options as far as temporary jobs are concerned. I'm not even sure what to look for as far as temporary jobs and I'm supposed to come up with a list of at least 5 possibilities. 5 possibilities here in my small hometown that doesn't have a lot of choices.

I don't even know what I want to look for in a job. All I know is what I don't want. I don't want restaurants or fast food and I don't want to substitute.I also don't want to work at Walmart which is really one of the only other options here. So what else is there? Not much here in my hometown.

Well, there are some things I've considered. I've thought about perhaps working in a bookstore of some type. I mean, I love books enough. It might be kinda fun to work in a bookstore of some type. Plus it wouldn't be much different than working in a library. Well, not exactly I feel.

I've considered working in a movie theater or perhaps even a coffee shop. As far as jobs besides working as a children's librarian, I think working in a hands-on science museum or children's museum might be fun.

But other than that, I really don't know what I should do; where I should focus.  I've only ever worked in libraries before. I don't really know anything else. I don't know exactly what I'd be suited for.

As it is, I'm a bit afraid of people. I realize this is probably strange coming from someone whose job is going to be working with the public.  I'm a shy sort of person. I need more experience working with the public but honestly the thought frightens me. 

Right now I'm focusing on youth services librarian jobs but if I don't find get a job like that, I'll have to change focus which also frightens me.

I realize the point is that I need to get my foot in the door somehow and at some sort of library. Once I do that I can move up if possible but even knowing that it still  makes me nervous.  I've been asked by family members on other possible library jobs I could focus on but so far, I haven't had many answers.

I have taken other courses throughout my Master's program but I don't feel strongly enough about the skills I supposedly learn to take a job in those areas. For instance, I know how to build databases from scratch basically but I don't exactly want to take a job position like that.  I also took a course on Cataloging and another in Academic Libraries. I even took a School Library course. However, I don't feel like I'm comfortable enough in those areas to focus on job positions in those areas.

I guess I could go for a librarian at a public library; one that works with adult services but for some reason even that doesn't comfort me exactly. I feel like I was trained well in one area and one area only and that was youth services. That was my focus. That's where I feel I have the most knowledge and feel the most comfortable with.

But I realize I might not find a Youth Services Librarian position right away which means I have to try elsewhere in a library. Another job position that while not exactly what I want will at least get me experience. Get me into a library. 

But what types of positions do I focus on and how do I overcome the fear that I seem to have of not being qualified enough? How do I get past the disappointment over it not being my ideal job position? How do I learn to be ok with it?

I guess the whole thing is that I want to enjoy what I'm doing in life. I want to be happy with what I'm doing and if I can't be happy, I don't really see the point of it.

The whole thing is that I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of a lot of things. Some things even I'm not sure what I'm afraid of exactly.

I'm afraid and I'm lost. I don't know when exactly I became so afraid.
I've never exactly been a very confident person to begin with but now I don't feel very confident at all.  I'm more afraid. I'm more anxious.  I'm afraid of what's next. I'm afraid of moving on. I'm afraid to become a working adult even though this is what I've worked fro for so long. I'm afraid that maybe I'm making a mistake; that maybe this isn't really what I'll be happy doing.

I'm just so afraid and I don't know how to get past it.