Questioning my future as a mother

So I'm not even remotely interested at the moment in becoming a mother. I'm not even interested in dating. As I've said numerous times, I'm too focused on getting my Master's degree and starting my career before I ever start dating.

Something today happened that has made me question my future as a mother and really just as possibly a wife as well. Tonight my mom made spaghetti for dinner and my nephew who is extremely extremely picky does not like tomato pieces  in his spaghetti sauce. My mom did the best she could at tried to smash up the pieces and making sure he didn't have any on his plate. Unfortunately she missed one and of course, my nephew found it. He tried to give it to me but I told him to just eat it. It's not going to hurt him to eat just one.  I couldn't help it.  I love my nephew so much but it's so ridiculous how picky he is. 

Apparently I upset him because he wouldn't speak to me or anyone else after that. Which of course, made me feel bad because I feel as though I'm always doing something to make him upset with me. I blamed myself for what happened and as a result, I got upset. If you've been reading some of my blogs, than you know this is sort of been a problem for me. I feel guilty about things even when it's not my fault.  After awhile, my mom talked to my nephew. He was upset because I nag him about things a lot.
I guess I do. It's not like I  try to do it on purpose or anything.  Part of the reason I think I do is because he never really listens to me. In his eyes, I'm a playmate and not an authority figure despite the fact that I'm 10 years older and an adult. Also, now that he's passed me in height, he feels that I'm not really older.

Eventually we worked things out but I can't still help but think about me nagging him. I feel as though if I can't take care of my nephew, how can I expect to ever take care of my own child in the future. As it is, I barely have patience for spending time with Kindergartners. My student teaching showed me that teaching wasn't for me. Yet, I'm still wanting to work with children but in a library setting. That's what I'm working on; a Youth Librarianship degree.   There's certainly conflict regarding this. I mean I like children but I have trouble dealing with discipline and being patient with them. Perhaps this is one reason why I never really babysat when I was in high school. I had certification by the American Cross and everything but never really babysat other than for my nephew and even then it was only ever for a short while. I guess part of me was afraid. I wanted to babysit but just never did.

I realize that people can change when they have children of their own.  However, I fear that I wouldn't be able to. Maybe I'm truly making a mistake going into the children's part of the library (I really don't believe I am though).  As much as I want to someday have children of my own, I wonder sometimes if I would even make a good mother. Who knows? Perhaps I'm destined to work with children but never have my own. I sure hope not.

I have things to work on in the meantime. I hope that I can learn to someday be a good mother like my mom has been to me.

A Problem Obsession?

I am obsessed with Harry Potter. I'll just admit that right now. My family knows it and my friends know it. It's not like it's a big secret or anything. It's almost like Harry Potter has become synonymous with my name.

Tonight, I was on Facebook and saw the newest Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 trailer.  I got so excited that I was squealing in anticipation.  My dad overheard this and pretty much told me to Get off of this Harry Potter obsession. It made me a bit upset to hear this. I know I'm obsessed but I'm not that obsessed. 

Harry Potter is a big part of my life and has been ever since I first read the books. I love Harry Potter. There's just something about it that has gotten me hooked. I have other relatives that are just as excited as I am about seeing the movie (including my mom). My dad hasn't read the books and isn't much of a reader so he really doesn't understand the excitement about it or why I'm so obsessed.

I agree that I have obsessions but it's not to the point where I let my obsessions control my life. I don't think about Harry Potter 24/7. Right now I pretty much do because I'm super excited about the movie  coming out and  I'll be seeing it with family.  Otherwise though I don't spend all my time thinking about Harry Potter. I have other interests to keep me busy. 

I just happen to be the type of person that obsesses about things that I like rather than just simply liking them. I realize that there's a point a which an obsession can become unhealthy but I honestly haven't reached that point and don't think I ever will. What's wrong with having obsessions? What's wrong with enjoying things a lot more than normal? I can't help it.

Maybe I am a borderline case. I could go that far but I haven't. For me, I think the reason I obsess about things is because I'm a bit geeky. Geeks (and nerds!) tend to obsesses about things like this. I've already admitted that I'm socially awkward type of person and perhaps this is why I'm obsessed with things like Harry Potter.

Am I really that obsessed to the point that it's unhealthy? I don't feel as though I am. My dad just doesn't understand it. It's something he is unfamiliar with.   However, I beg my friends to do whatever possible if my obsessions ever go that far.

Social Life killed the Internet

I find it interesting how every time I come home for break, I spend less time on the Internet. It's not like I don't have access to it or anything because I do.  I'll admit for me it's a bit strange when I realize that I haven't been on Tumblr or tweeted much within the past 3-4 weeks now.  I still frequent Facebook and really that's the only Internet site I visit often now. I don't even visit YouTube that much anymore. I'm way behind on my subscriptions (although I'm slowly trying to watch them all again).  I feel like I barely know what's going on anymore with my Internet friends since I don't really visit the Internet much anymore.

I think a lot this has to do with the fact that I'm with family and therefore have people to socialize with. I love my family a lot. I believe that because I'm alone in my apartment and don't really have any friends there in Denton that I would rather spend all my time online with my URL friends. I consider the Internet to be my only friend sometimes when I'm in Denton. I have some IRL friends but they live in Norman so it's not like I can just call them up and they can come over or I go over there any time of day I want. It usually takes some advanced planning.  Oddly enough, I met my IRL friends through the Internet.


I wish I did have some IRL friends in Denton but I don't. Therefore I resort to the Internet. Even with my IRL friends, we get together and have a great time but somehow we always come back to the internet. Once when we were hanging out together we had our laptops and were looking at stuff online.
I love spending time with people and I do miss the Internet when I'm spending time with my family.  However, it's not as important for me. It's strange but true. I get so far behind on all things Internet that I feel lost and out of the loop when I finally do get online. I have already said that I have issues when it comes to making friends.

It's not like I even have a lot of friends here back home to hang out with. Most of my high school friends/classmates have moved on and I've lost touch with them. Also, the friend I used to hang out with that I met 2 summers ago moved to Portland.  I just mostly spend time with my family. 
This month I've been mostly spending time with my nephew. Since he's 12 and can't go to the Recreation Center camp program anymore, I get to take care of him.

 I love him and love spending time with him. We have fun together and I enjoy it.  So he's been keeping me busy that I usually don't get online until later in the evening after he's finally gone to bed.  Also sometimes in the evenings, he and I have been playing the Wii . So that's been keeping me busy too.

I miss the Internet. I can't deny that.  However, I also enjoy spending time with actual people even if it is just my family. I miss having a social life and not feeling lonely.   I don't want a social life that completely takes me away. Just enough of one that I'm not resorting to the Internet as my only friend. On the other hand, I love my Internet life and don't want to lose that. If I could find a good balance, I think I'd be happy.

Thoughts on Teenage Moms...(Warning: May be controversial)

Tonight at my church we had a Baptismal during the usual 5:30PM mass. It was pretty much any normal Baptismal. I knew the family that was having the baby baptized but didn't think much of it until later when I really got to looking at exactly who the mother of the baby was. Turns out the mother of the  baby was someone who was way younger than me. In fact, the girl is younger than her older brother who just graduated from high school! I'm not going to lie but I was surprised to learn this. Now I'm not going to say that those who attend church or anything are perfect but I still can't helped but be a bit surprised when things like this happen. The family seems to be pretty religious or at least enough that they attend church on a regular basis. I don't attend the same mass as they do since they normally go on Sunday mornings but I've seen them several Sunday's in a row when my parents used to do Sunday morning coffee and donuts.

This isn't the first girl I've known through church to become a mother. The other one happened a little over a year ago. Again, another girl whose family attended church fairly regularly and who was also quite a  bit younger than me.   Although, this one I saw when she was pregnant and I've seen her with the father. In fact, the girl and her (now) husband and son used to come to church but they don't anymore as far as I know. She was a Senior in high school when she got pregnant.  Granted she was practically an adult but still.

I don't consider myself to be a overly religious person. I'm not going to lie but it does surprise me when girls I've known from church get pregnant at a young age. I'm sorry but the fact that they go to church and learn this stuff from their families and still this happens?  It just surprises me is all.

I'm not trying to be judgmental but I'm just stating my views on this. I just don't understand why someone would do this? Why would you mess up your life this way? Look, I'm at least happy that both girls are at least trying to do good by it by coming to  church and having their children baptized but still. I'm bothered by it regardless of it's someone religious or not.  It just really bothers me to see someone I have seen since I little be affected by this. It just doesn't make sense to me. For me it's awkward to see them. I still talk to them and everything but I can't help but want to ask them why? What happened? W(I don't obviously don't but I just get the urge to do so). I guess part of it is rebellion in some cases but still. I just don't understand it is all.

Of course, I'm sure a lot of this stems from my feelings about not being interested in meeting someone and starting a family. I'm really not interested at all at the moment. Right now I'm so focused on achieving my goal of getting a Master's Degree that I'm not even thinking about things like that right now.  It's hard for me just to hear about some of my high school classmates that are married or have kids. As I've stated numerous times before, I know I'm old enough for things like this but it's hard for me to see it that way. I guess I just don't feel anyone my age is ready for kids or marriage even though it's not really that uncommon.

Look I'm not trying to start anything here or anything. I'm just saying my thoughts on something like this is all.


EDIT: Ok so after some research (oh how I love being a library student), I discovered that the girl that had her baby baptized tonight is actually older than I thought. I thought she was the youngest of her siblings but it turns out she isn't. She's about a year older than her brother that just graduated. Apparently she graduated a couple of years ago (2009). So technically she's only a few years younger than me. I'm not going to go back and edit this whole thing now. My thoughts still stand  for a general sense.

A year ago...

Today, 1 year ago, I graduated from Oklahoma State University. It's hard to believe that it's already been a year.  I was thinking about that today and how so much has happened in just a year.
I graduated last May with a Bachelor of Science degree in Elementary Education. At the time I believed that I would be attending Grad school at OSU and wouldn't have to move or anything.  However that didn't work out. I ended up not getting into the graduate program there. Things were hectic that week and also very emotional. I officially found out that I wasn't getting into the program that Tuesday the week of graduation. My parents were already on their way down for graduation and I had to tell them that I hadn't gotten into the program. I was going to be coming home for the summer anyway but since I hadn't been accepted into the program, there was no need for me to stay.Therefore, I had to move out of my apartment. It was stressful having to move everything out quickly while at the same time prepare for graduation. I was an emotional wreck that week. 

Graduation day arrived and I was excited. My brother had flown into Oklahoma City the day before. I was already moved out of my apartment by Saturday and was staying with my parents at the motel. The day starting off by the 4 of us heading to IHOP for breakfast. Afterwards, we ran a few last minute errands for my pre-Graduation party. We had reserved a room at the Stillwater Community Center for a little party. However, because I didn't actually know many people in Stillwater, there weren't that many people. In fact the party ended up being just family. My aunt and uncle (from my dad's side) came to my graduation. After the party, we went back to to motel and relaxed a bit before getting ready for the ceremony. A few days ago, my mom and I had gone shopping to find a dress for me to wear. Had we had more time instead of having to move me out of my apartment, I'm sure we could have gone to Tulsa or Oklahoma City to find something. As it was, we had to work with the stores we had. But we found a nice dress and some shoes to go with it.

I arrived early to campus for graduation because the College of Education had a little reception for us graduates prior to the ceremony. It was nice seeing some of my friends and classmates and professors. It was both exciting and scary. Hard to believe that the day had finally arrived! I signed in and got my name card and just walked around trying to calm myself down. I also took pictures with my new video camera (It was a graduation present to me from my parents. I had received it quite recently in the mail). After what seemed like forever, it was time for us to line up. My friend Mary Ann and I tried to stay close to each other. Finally the procession over to the Stadium began. It was weird walking across campus for the last time as a student. Once I graduated, I would officially become an alumnus.  The waiting in line seemed to last forever but finally we processed into the stadium.
It was incredibly weird walking onto the floor of the stadium knowing that when I left again, I'd be a graduate. Once I had found a seat, I looked around for my family and found them. They waved to me and I waved back.  After everyone had filed in, the ceremony officially began. Speakers spoke and everything. Then they started calling us graduates to walk across the stage and receive our diplomas (although not really since they wouldn't be mailed until later). It was exciting to walk across the stage and to shake hands with the associate dean and get my picture taken. I walked carefully back to my seat and waited for everyone else to get their diplomas. After moving our tassels and some finally words, the ceremony was over and we processed back outside.  I met up with my family and we headed back to campus to take a few pictures.
When it was all over, my parents and brother and I headed over to Applebee's where we met up with my Uncle and Aunt. We spent quite a few hours just talking. My uncle was telling us stories about my dad's family which was extremely interesting.  After that, it was all over.

It was hard to believe then that it was over after working for so long.
At the time last year, I had no idea about my future. I knew I wanted to still go to grad school and get a Master's degree but I didn't know where I would be. Things were uncertain for me back then.

Now a year later, I've finished my first full year of graduate school and have moved to Texas. Things haven't always been easy for me but still, I can't help but be happy at what I've already accomplished. I've finished a year of grad school already and have about a year and a half left. I have (so far) a 4.0 GPA and I hope that I can keep that going.  A year ago, I would not have thought I would be where I am now.

Texas Drivers

I'll admit it I'm not the world's greatest driver and I don't try to be. In fact if anything, I'm overly cautious sometimes. My brother even comments sometimes that I drive like an old lady.  I'm just not a very confident driver and especially when driving in a bigger city than I'm used to. In fact, I panic sometimes when I'm not sure where I'm going and I'm driving in Dallas.

Texas drivers annoy me. There are just certain things that I can't stand. Being from New Mexico, I'm sure I do things that annoy Texas drivers too.  There are 3 things that since moving to Texas, have really bothered me about Texas drivers.

First of all, Texas drivers don't signal when changing lanes! OMG! This annoys me so much. Is using your turn signal a sign of weakness in Texas? It seems like practically all the drivers I've seen while traveling don't signal whenever they change lanes. It's lucky that I'm a pretty defensive driver and can see them but sometimes they come out of nowhere. Now to say I always signal would be lying a bit. I occasionally don't signal but it's usually only when not very many  people are behind me.  But really, not signaling? Why? Is it like some rule in Texas that when changing lanes on the highway,you don't signal?

Second thing about Texas drivers that annoy me is the fact that they get in the wrong lane when turning! There is a particular intersection back in Denton where this happens at a lot and I always have to be careful when I'm trying to turn. Locust Street is a one way street and turning left onto University Dr. has 2 lanes. One lane only turns left. The other lane turns left or goes straight. I always get into the lane that turns left/goes straight and turn into the far right lane on University Dr.  It never fails that someone gets into the lane that only turns left and then when turning they change into the far right lane and usually they turn into one of the strip mall or the CVS pharmacy located right after turning onto University.  If you need to turn into one of these areas right after turning, then why didn't you get into the lane that turned into the far right lane to begin with? It just doesn't make sense to me and it's not like it's complicated or anything.  I just don't understand it.

The third thing is something that also annoys someone else I know is what is referred to as the "Texas turn".  It's when a driver gets out in the middle of an intersection in order to make a turn. Like the other person, I'm also annoyed by this.  I just worry that they'll get hit or that I'll hit them or something. The only thing is that I'm short and have a small mid-size car. Sometimes it's a big pickup truck or SUV or another big car that blocks my view so I can't even see sometimes to make my turn.

So yeah. Texas drivers annoy me. Of course I'm also just not used to them yet or even used to driving in a bigger city than my small hometown.   Texas drivers aren't the worse drivers I'm sure but I'm sure they're not the best either.

Traumatized

I had my last counseling session yesterday. The last of the sessions they offer here. I've made a lot of progress and I've definitely been feeling a lot better. I feel as though I'll be able to continue making progress on my own now despite the fact that I know that it won't be easy. However, there are still issues that need to be worked out. Issues that are better suited for the long term counseling that the center cannot provide. My counselor feels as though it would be extremely helpful for me to find a counselor back home so I can continue counseling over the summer. Especially since I'll be home for 3 months. She feels as though I should look for a counselor that specializes in trauma. The reasoning for this is because I'm still having issues dealing with the event that took place back in November (I posted an entry about it).  Basically that event traumatized me and it did. I still break down and all the horrible memories come flooding back in whenever I even think about it. 

The event traumatized me so much that it changed me. It changed how I feel about living here in my apartment complex. I really think that given the opportunity, I'd move in a heartbeat. If someone were to offer me an apartment that was cheaper than the one I'm currently living in and also it came with perks such as utilities paid, I'd jump at the chance. Despite the fact, I really hate the thought of having to move everything out of my apartment again. It was such a hassle just moving out of my Oklahoma one and moving into this one that quite honestly it would be easier to just stay put until I finally graduate and start my career.  There are things I like about my apartment. I love the fact that it's within walking distance of a library and that it's a nice size. I also like that I have at least one neighbor I can talk to and feel comfortable with.

However, I have to admit that I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. And it's because of what happened. I try to avoid going outside when I know that person is around and I'm constantly on alert in case they decide to come over and try talking to me. I'm afraid to answer my door right away when someone knocks fearing that it's the person. Everytime I pull into the driveway after being away on the weekend or in the evening, I look to see if the person's car is there and even if the person is outside. If I'm around when the person is, I don't open my window blinds and if I do go outside I spy through them to see if it's safe. All this is simply because I don't want to communicate or even see the person.

What happened traumatized me and I'm still having trouble dealing with it. Obviously this is why I still need counseling. Also, despite the fact that I've improved, I wouldn't say all my problems are fixed. I''ll even admit that there's a good possibility that I might a couple more sessions upon my return back to Denton after the summer in order to help me deal with the transition back.

I do find it interesting how when I mentioned to my parents that my counselor suggested I continue counseling over the summer, they said that they'd been discussing that possibility already. I don't know what to think about this. I guess it's nice that they recognize that I'm have things I need help dealing with. Hopefully I'll be able to find someone back home and continue to get better. If this means that I'll have some long term counseling  for awhile even after I get back, then so be it. At least I've recognized that I need help and have started getting that help.