I seem to be blogging every time I have a counseling session now. Well afterwards I mean. I find that to be pretty interesting.
So
last week at my session, it was discussed how I might want to seek more
long term counseling at the Psychology Clinic. Well, today was my first
appointment; the intake. I'll admit I was nervous because this is
different for me. It's a different experience. It's more involved and
such than the counseling I'm currently in. This is supported by the
amount of paperwork I had to fill out. Lots of information. My
appointment wasn't actually until 11 but because I had a lot of
paperwork to fill out, I had to be at the clinic by 10. Of course, the
buses weren't running on time and I almost didn't make it in time.
A
lot of things were discussed and questions answered. As it was just the
intake appointment, they just wanted to get a basic idea of the
problems I'm having. I'll find out within a week more specifics such as
who my therapist will actually be.
I've noticed that
I'm very emotional in many sessions. I broke down twice today. It was
justifiable for why I did today though. However, I can't help but think
that I'm just an emotional person. At least when it comes to talking
about things. I've broken down almost every single time I've been to a
session this semester. It happened quite a few times last semester as
well. I try to tell myself beforehand that I won't get emotional yet it
still happens. There are a few times where I've managed not to break
down but it doesn't happen very often. It's not just when I've been in
Denton either. When I was in counseling in Oklahoma, I broke down a
couple times there as well. I certainly did in the first few sessions
and then it got better. That doesn't seem to be the case so much this
time.
I'll admit that I'm a bit tired of it. I wish I
could just explain things without getting emotional over them. But then
again, I guess it helps being emotional. Perhaps it explains a lot. I
don't really know.
What I want to know is why I get so
emotional every time? Maybe it's because everything finally catches up
with me and I don't know how else to deal with it or something? Whatever
the reasoning, I just hope one day I can get through a session without
getting too emotional.
Another thing I've discovered
by going to counseling is the fact it seems I keep discovering more and
more things to talk about. It seems as though the more I think and talk
about things, the more problems and things I come up with that relate to
my current situation. It's almost as if every little thing that
bothered me when I was younger or was a problem then, has contributed to
everything going on with me now.
I answered a lot of
questions today and gave a lot of information. Yet, I can't help but
feel as though I'm just barely scratching the surface of my problems. I
feel like it would take days to explain everything that has ever
happened to me that could relate to my current situation. Yet even then,
I don't think I'd get through everything. There are things I know I
should probably have mentioned today but I didn't. Things I didn't think
about until I got done. Things that I've mentioned in some of my blog
posts but never really thought about mentioning in person.
For
instance, I didn't mention about what I thought in 8th grade. I know
that's probably important but I found I couldn't really mention it at
the moment. I mean at some point, I will mention it to them. I'll admit
that I'm a little concerned what bringing this up might mean. Also some
of the other things that occurred when I was younger. For instance,
shoving people because they made me upset. Things like that. Look I know
being a kid is different than being an adult but still.
I
can't help but think of everything going on in my life now and how
little things from when I was younger could relate. How my being an
outcast in my groups of friends could be the reason I don't have many
friends now or how I can't seem to make friends. How I was made fun of
for not fitting in. How I've always seemed to felt like an outsider.
Things like that.
See what I mean? My problem seem to go deeper than I originally thought. Yet it all seems to relate and make sense.
I
know it's just the first session and that I can't explain everything in
one session. I know as time goes on, things will come up and be
discussed. It's just the intake session to get a basic knowledge of
what's going on. I can't expect things to be fixed after just one
session. I understand this. It's going to take time. Who really knows
how long.
Things are a lot more complicated than I originally thought.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Cross the Bridge or Fade Away?
Today was yet another session. Yet more things to think about. It was discussed that I seem to be on the fence about a lot of things and especially about change. I'm a bit concerned that maybe my counselor thinks he can't do much else if I'm not willing to change. I am but also not. It's complicated. One thing is certain is that because I'm currently in short-term counseling and only have 8 sessions available, he feels as though I might want to seek long-term counseling at the Psychology Clinic on campus which I've already set in motion. This is also one reason I sought counseling in the first place, to get information on other resources.
However it was during our conversation about me being on the fence about changing that I thought about a different analogy. In talking about the fence, my counselor also mentioned something about a bridge. This made me think of a song by one of my all time favorite music artists: Elton John. In his last album, there is a song titled "The Bridge". This song has always held special meaning for me but now it holds even more meaning after this session. I told my counselor about the song and he seemed interested.
The Fence analogy made me think about a bridge and this song and especially the chorus lyric:" Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away?"
That's what I need to decide about my life. Do I decide the change or just let it go? Or do I just
stay in the middle of that bridge forever? Crossing the bridge seems scary to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to do so yet.
I've seen the bridge and the bridge is long
And they built it high and they built it strong
Strong enough to hold the weight of time
Long enough to leave some of us behind
My bridge certainly is long and difficult. At times it may seem like it'll crumble at any moment but it remains strong standing the weight of time leaving some of us behind. I don't want to be left behind. I want to continue on it and eventually cross it.
Standing on the bridge looking at the waves
Seen so many jump, never seen one saved
On a distant beach your song can die
On a bitter wind, on a cruel tide
Many people simply give up and don't ever bother trying. If I don't try I might as well jump into the waves. End everything and just remain stuck. I can't give up, I have to try and change.
And the bridge it shines
Oh cold hard iron
Saying come and risk it all
Or die trying
Do I though? Do I truly risk it all if it means that my life drastically changes for the better? Do I die trying just making those small steps across it? That might sound morbid but it's really not. It just means that it's not going to be easy. I know it won't be. I know I have to make those small steps even if they mean it's difficult.
And every one of us has to face that day
Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away
And every one of us that ever came to play
Has to cross the bridge or fade away
Perhaps today is my day to face the bridge and decide whether or not to cross it. Everyone has to face it at some point. Perhaps now it's my turn. I can either cross it or just fade away, fall back into my despair, remaining stuck in the life that I'm so unhappy with.
I don't really know if this post really makes a lot of sense or not. The point is that I have to be the one to decide whether to move forward or not. It's me who has to decide to take those small steps to crossing the bridge.
However it was during our conversation about me being on the fence about changing that I thought about a different analogy. In talking about the fence, my counselor also mentioned something about a bridge. This made me think of a song by one of my all time favorite music artists: Elton John. In his last album, there is a song titled "The Bridge". This song has always held special meaning for me but now it holds even more meaning after this session. I told my counselor about the song and he seemed interested.
The Fence analogy made me think about a bridge and this song and especially the chorus lyric:" Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away?"
That's what I need to decide about my life. Do I decide the change or just let it go? Or do I just
stay in the middle of that bridge forever? Crossing the bridge seems scary to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to do so yet.
I've seen the bridge and the bridge is long
And they built it high and they built it strong
Strong enough to hold the weight of time
Long enough to leave some of us behind
My bridge certainly is long and difficult. At times it may seem like it'll crumble at any moment but it remains strong standing the weight of time leaving some of us behind. I don't want to be left behind. I want to continue on it and eventually cross it.
Standing on the bridge looking at the waves
Seen so many jump, never seen one saved
On a distant beach your song can die
On a bitter wind, on a cruel tide
Many people simply give up and don't ever bother trying. If I don't try I might as well jump into the waves. End everything and just remain stuck. I can't give up, I have to try and change.
And the bridge it shines
Oh cold hard iron
Saying come and risk it all
Or die trying
Do I though? Do I truly risk it all if it means that my life drastically changes for the better? Do I die trying just making those small steps across it? That might sound morbid but it's really not. It just means that it's not going to be easy. I know it won't be. I know I have to make those small steps even if they mean it's difficult.
And every one of us has to face that day
Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away
And every one of us that ever came to play
Has to cross the bridge or fade away
Perhaps today is my day to face the bridge and decide whether or not to cross it. Everyone has to face it at some point. Perhaps now it's my turn. I can either cross it or just fade away, fall back into my despair, remaining stuck in the life that I'm so unhappy with.
I don't really know if this post really makes a lot of sense or not. The point is that I have to be the one to decide whether to move forward or not. It's me who has to decide to take those small steps to crossing the bridge.
The song truly is wonderful and has a strong message that everyone should hear.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Things I wish.... (a poem of sorts)
I wish I could move away from here
I hate it here
Somewhere I didn't feel so alone
Somewhere I felt truly safe
I wish I lived closer to campus
To feel more connected to others
To make it easier to get to know people
I wish I didn't feel so lonely
That I could get out more
That I wasn't afraid to talk more to people
I wish I had more friends
That my social life wasn't so nonexistant
I wish I still lived in Stillwater
Where at least I felt happier
And knew more people
I wish I could go back in time
And stop myself from getting my Undergrad degree
From getting something that was worthless in the end
Although I don't know what degree I would get instead
I wish I could figure out what's going on with my life
Why things have gotten so difficult lately.
I wish I knew where my life ended up
If I'd truly end up happy with the way things turned out.
I wish I didn't have to be an adult all the time
That I didn't have to grow up
That I could be carefree and innocent once more
I wish my emotions weren't so confusing
I rarely know what they're doing anymore
I wish I knew how I felt anymore
Everything just seems to be mixed up
I wish I could simply smile again
Be truly happy
I wish that
Everything would be simply be better again
I wish.
Original college goals
I can tell you that my original college plans weren't the ones that I have now or am currently working on.
The general going to college and getting a degree were always the plan since I was young. I always knew I wanted to go to college. I just never really knew what I wanted or even where I wanted to go.
Ever since I was little, I was fascinated by being a Dentist and for the longest time I thought that I wanted to become one myself. In fact, up until I was a high school freshman I still thought that's what I wanted to do. But then an English research paper assignment on careers changed all that. I researched what was required to be a Dentist and I didn't feel as though I would be able to handle all that. All the Science and Math involved freaked me out. Math wasn't my strongest subject and I didn't think I would be able to handle such advanced courses like Calculus. Also, all the schooling involved. I didn't think I really wanted to be in school that long.
So I abandoned that career choice and started trying to think of a new one. I knew I was interested in doing something with Science because I really loved Science but I had no idea what. I eventually thought I wanted to be some sort of Chemist or something and eventually wanted to be a Forensic Scientist. Yes, part of it was because I really liked CSI and such. But I had also seen the real shows on Discover and was just fascinated by everything. I didn' t really want to be a field agent because I didn't want to deal with the dead bodies (that part just creeped me out too much). I wanted to be one of the lab technicians and stay in the lab. I just found that part fascinating. That was my new career choice and I stuck with it at least until I was in college. Then a cousin of mine gave me more information about my career choice telling me about all the Chemistry classes and advanced Math courses I'd have to take and how my grades would have to be really really good. Again, the advance Math courses freaked me out. I still wasn't strong in Math and I didn't want to have to struggle through Calculus and such. Also based on the fact that I was in a Pre-AP/ AP Chemistry course and was already struggling made this choice seem highly unlikely.
So I abandoned that career choice as well. I really didn't know what I wanted to do anymore and was actually pretty depressed. I still thought science was the way I wanted to go but I didn't know what direction to go anymore. The only science I felt I was really really strong in was Earth Science. Fossils, Rocks, and Minerals, that type of thing. Earth Science was such a strong interest of mine. Part of it was probably because of the Magic School Bus computer game I had. Who knows? All I know is I loved to collect rocks and learn about them. I loved the idea of Caverns and Volcanoes. I found all that stuff fascinating. It helped too that I did well in the State Science Olympiad events that dealt with Fossils and Rocks and Minerals. But when I looked into the career options for such things, there really wasn't much choice and I didn't really know if it was truly what I wanted to do.
The only thing I felt really made me happy anymore was a library. I really loved libraries and I was working in one at the time. I felt as though I would be happiest being in a library the rest of my life. I mean I really really loved what the children's librarian was doing and I felt that I could be happy doing exactly that. That's when I decided to pursue a Library Science degree.
However, there was a slight problem. In order to get a decent library job I'd have to get a Master's degree. This was not a problem. I somehow always intended to pursue an advanced degree. The problem was what about an Undergrad degree? I wasn't required of me to have a specific undergrad degree in order to get into a Master's program so what was I going to do. Well after talking to my cousin, it turned out that a Library program for a Master's existed at the college he worked at (he was a coach for the Women's Track team). I knew I wanted to work with children and specifically school aged children. So I thought, perhaps a school librarian. I knew I wanted to be a librarian and work with children but didn't knew exactly where.
When I looked into the master's program, I thought that it was what I wanted. However, it required me to get an Elementary Education or Early Childhood degree first. While I never really intended to go into teaching, I thought maybe. At the least, it was just another step to my ultimate goal. I didn't really know. I went into the Elementary Education program with the intention to continue on afterwards with a Master's program; Library Media Specialist. I went into the program knowing full well I didn't want to be a teacher. A knowledge I kept throughout the entire time I was in the program. Even my classmates that I got to know knew this fact. I was asked constantly why I was in the program if I wanted to be a school librarian and I would tell them it was requirement. I thought maybe I would grow to enjoy teaching but I never really did. I liked my classes for the most part but really the student teaching is what sealed it for me. Maybe if I had been at a different school things would have been different but I don't believe so. I hated student teaching and it was then I pretty much decided teaching certainly wasn't for me. Of course that was also the last semester and it was pretty much too late to do anything else. To make matters worse, I ended up not getting into the master's program and my life was suddenly turned into chaos. My future was cloudy; unknown.
Talking to my advisor and the head of the Library Media Specilist (when I questioned why I was denied into the program), it was decided that perhaps I should look into Youth Librarianship since that seemed to be a better fit for me. That's how I ended up here at UNT and how I ended up here in Denton.
As I've said numerous times before, I don't really need to be living here in Denton in order to be working on my degree. My classes are all online, I could really live at home or somewhere else. I'm not happy here at all. I really am not. I don't know really even know anyone. I'm completely and 100% alone.
Things have been going on lately (well pretty much ever since moving here) that have made me question if I still really want my degree. Well more people have made me think about that. The thing is that I still feel as though I'm in the right degree program and still want to do it. It's just I don't know. I haven't been motivated as much this semester to do much of anything. I'm full time so I could try and get an assistant ship but haven't really tried. My classes are just ok, not nearly as interesting as I thought. One is a School Library Media class which I now feel taking it was a huge mistake to even take. I have a Practicum planned for next semester that I have to get going on getting fixed up in order for other things to take place. Really the truth is that while I'm ready to be done with my degree, I'm also not really ready to go out in the real world.
I still feel I made the right degree choice though. I still feel as though Library Science is really where I'm supposed to be. I don't really know. Sometimes I wish I could just time travel into the future to find out really where I ended up and if I'm happy. It would certainly calm my nerves.
The other thing is though. I originally planned to have a couple of minors. My minors have never really changed. I've had these minors planned pretty much since I began college. I want to minor in both Spanish and in Music. I love music and my piano and would love to be able to do something with it. Have a backup. The thing is that I haven't had the chance to really focus on my minors at all. Things just haven't worked out that way. By the time I transferred to OSU, my schedule was full of specific degree requirements and I just wasn't able to take anything else. I could have taken classes now as a graduate student and I did look into it some. But the issue of financial aid comes into effect and I'm not entirely sure how it would work out. Also at this point, I'm literally out of time to even work on getting any minors. I only have a couple more semesters left after this one and then I'm gone. I don't want to stay here in Denton any longer than I have to. I just want to stay as long as necessary to get my degree and get out.
I still want to get my minors though. I still am determined to get them somehow. I need that backup even more now since it turns out my Undergrad degree is pretty much useless. I don't really ever plan on teaching. It just wasn't for me. It's also important for me because my brother didn't have minors. He didn't have a backup degree. He's told me not to be like him. He doesn't want me to be like him. He wants me to have backups. I agree. I don't want to not have anything to fall back on. This is why I still want to get my minors. The thing is that now I'll have to get my minors once I'm working. This is my new plan. Although, I seem to be burnt out as far as school is concerned, still, I really do want to get my minors. A few more semesters while I'm also working wouldn't really be so bad. Besides I really want this. Wherever I end up, I hope and plan to get my minors.
My plans have changed so much and yet I still keep going.Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's really what I want. I think so and it feels like it's right. All I know is that plans can change. So far mine hasn't changed too much lately and I'm determined to stick to it as much as possible.
The general going to college and getting a degree were always the plan since I was young. I always knew I wanted to go to college. I just never really knew what I wanted or even where I wanted to go.
Ever since I was little, I was fascinated by being a Dentist and for the longest time I thought that I wanted to become one myself. In fact, up until I was a high school freshman I still thought that's what I wanted to do. But then an English research paper assignment on careers changed all that. I researched what was required to be a Dentist and I didn't feel as though I would be able to handle all that. All the Science and Math involved freaked me out. Math wasn't my strongest subject and I didn't think I would be able to handle such advanced courses like Calculus. Also, all the schooling involved. I didn't think I really wanted to be in school that long.
So I abandoned that career choice and started trying to think of a new one. I knew I was interested in doing something with Science because I really loved Science but I had no idea what. I eventually thought I wanted to be some sort of Chemist or something and eventually wanted to be a Forensic Scientist. Yes, part of it was because I really liked CSI and such. But I had also seen the real shows on Discover and was just fascinated by everything. I didn' t really want to be a field agent because I didn't want to deal with the dead bodies (that part just creeped me out too much). I wanted to be one of the lab technicians and stay in the lab. I just found that part fascinating. That was my new career choice and I stuck with it at least until I was in college. Then a cousin of mine gave me more information about my career choice telling me about all the Chemistry classes and advanced Math courses I'd have to take and how my grades would have to be really really good. Again, the advance Math courses freaked me out. I still wasn't strong in Math and I didn't want to have to struggle through Calculus and such. Also based on the fact that I was in a Pre-AP/ AP Chemistry course and was already struggling made this choice seem highly unlikely.
So I abandoned that career choice as well. I really didn't know what I wanted to do anymore and was actually pretty depressed. I still thought science was the way I wanted to go but I didn't know what direction to go anymore. The only science I felt I was really really strong in was Earth Science. Fossils, Rocks, and Minerals, that type of thing. Earth Science was such a strong interest of mine. Part of it was probably because of the Magic School Bus computer game I had. Who knows? All I know is I loved to collect rocks and learn about them. I loved the idea of Caverns and Volcanoes. I found all that stuff fascinating. It helped too that I did well in the State Science Olympiad events that dealt with Fossils and Rocks and Minerals. But when I looked into the career options for such things, there really wasn't much choice and I didn't really know if it was truly what I wanted to do.
The only thing I felt really made me happy anymore was a library. I really loved libraries and I was working in one at the time. I felt as though I would be happiest being in a library the rest of my life. I mean I really really loved what the children's librarian was doing and I felt that I could be happy doing exactly that. That's when I decided to pursue a Library Science degree.
However, there was a slight problem. In order to get a decent library job I'd have to get a Master's degree. This was not a problem. I somehow always intended to pursue an advanced degree. The problem was what about an Undergrad degree? I wasn't required of me to have a specific undergrad degree in order to get into a Master's program so what was I going to do. Well after talking to my cousin, it turned out that a Library program for a Master's existed at the college he worked at (he was a coach for the Women's Track team). I knew I wanted to work with children and specifically school aged children. So I thought, perhaps a school librarian. I knew I wanted to be a librarian and work with children but didn't knew exactly where.
When I looked into the master's program, I thought that it was what I wanted. However, it required me to get an Elementary Education or Early Childhood degree first. While I never really intended to go into teaching, I thought maybe. At the least, it was just another step to my ultimate goal. I didn't really know. I went into the Elementary Education program with the intention to continue on afterwards with a Master's program; Library Media Specialist. I went into the program knowing full well I didn't want to be a teacher. A knowledge I kept throughout the entire time I was in the program. Even my classmates that I got to know knew this fact. I was asked constantly why I was in the program if I wanted to be a school librarian and I would tell them it was requirement. I thought maybe I would grow to enjoy teaching but I never really did. I liked my classes for the most part but really the student teaching is what sealed it for me. Maybe if I had been at a different school things would have been different but I don't believe so. I hated student teaching and it was then I pretty much decided teaching certainly wasn't for me. Of course that was also the last semester and it was pretty much too late to do anything else. To make matters worse, I ended up not getting into the master's program and my life was suddenly turned into chaos. My future was cloudy; unknown.
Talking to my advisor and the head of the Library Media Specilist (when I questioned why I was denied into the program), it was decided that perhaps I should look into Youth Librarianship since that seemed to be a better fit for me. That's how I ended up here at UNT and how I ended up here in Denton.
As I've said numerous times before, I don't really need to be living here in Denton in order to be working on my degree. My classes are all online, I could really live at home or somewhere else. I'm not happy here at all. I really am not. I don't know really even know anyone. I'm completely and 100% alone.
Things have been going on lately (well pretty much ever since moving here) that have made me question if I still really want my degree. Well more people have made me think about that. The thing is that I still feel as though I'm in the right degree program and still want to do it. It's just I don't know. I haven't been motivated as much this semester to do much of anything. I'm full time so I could try and get an assistant ship but haven't really tried. My classes are just ok, not nearly as interesting as I thought. One is a School Library Media class which I now feel taking it was a huge mistake to even take. I have a Practicum planned for next semester that I have to get going on getting fixed up in order for other things to take place. Really the truth is that while I'm ready to be done with my degree, I'm also not really ready to go out in the real world.
I still feel I made the right degree choice though. I still feel as though Library Science is really where I'm supposed to be. I don't really know. Sometimes I wish I could just time travel into the future to find out really where I ended up and if I'm happy. It would certainly calm my nerves.
The other thing is though. I originally planned to have a couple of minors. My minors have never really changed. I've had these minors planned pretty much since I began college. I want to minor in both Spanish and in Music. I love music and my piano and would love to be able to do something with it. Have a backup. The thing is that I haven't had the chance to really focus on my minors at all. Things just haven't worked out that way. By the time I transferred to OSU, my schedule was full of specific degree requirements and I just wasn't able to take anything else. I could have taken classes now as a graduate student and I did look into it some. But the issue of financial aid comes into effect and I'm not entirely sure how it would work out. Also at this point, I'm literally out of time to even work on getting any minors. I only have a couple more semesters left after this one and then I'm gone. I don't want to stay here in Denton any longer than I have to. I just want to stay as long as necessary to get my degree and get out.
I still want to get my minors though. I still am determined to get them somehow. I need that backup even more now since it turns out my Undergrad degree is pretty much useless. I don't really ever plan on teaching. It just wasn't for me. It's also important for me because my brother didn't have minors. He didn't have a backup degree. He's told me not to be like him. He doesn't want me to be like him. He wants me to have backups. I agree. I don't want to not have anything to fall back on. This is why I still want to get my minors. The thing is that now I'll have to get my minors once I'm working. This is my new plan. Although, I seem to be burnt out as far as school is concerned, still, I really do want to get my minors. A few more semesters while I'm also working wouldn't really be so bad. Besides I really want this. Wherever I end up, I hope and plan to get my minors.
My plans have changed so much and yet I still keep going.Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's really what I want. I think so and it feels like it's right. All I know is that plans can change. So far mine hasn't changed too much lately and I'm determined to stick to it as much as possible.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Banned Books Week: Importance to me
Banned Books week is this week (September 24-October 1). For me as a future librarian, this week is extremely important and I try to do something to celebrate it each and every year.
It's not surprising that this event is important to me as a future librarian. This fact isn't surprising at all. Especially as a Youth librarian this isn't surprising. However, for me banned books week goes even further than just me being an MLS student.
When I was younger, Banned Books week didn't mean a lot to me. I just didn't pay as much attention to it. It was more when I started working at my hometown library that it really became important to me. Also when a certain event took place in my hometown.
In high school and first couple years of college, my hometown would celebrate Banned Books week by holding events. The college library, Townsend library at NMSU-A, and the Public Library, Alamogordo Public Library, joined together this week to put on events. The college holds a Read Out on the courtyard patio area. Other events included movies and discussion groups based on banned/challenged books. Lately, a costume contest has been part of it.
I tried to participate in the events as much as possible. I did the Read Out one year, reading the intro passage from The Witches by Roald Dahl. It was actually during this same year that my picture was on the front page of the local newspaper for Banned Books week. I was visiting the Townsend library one day after classes (or between I don't really remember)when I stumbled across their Banned Books display. I was just looking at the different books along with another girl (I didn't know her) when a newspaper photographer asked to take our picture with the display. I picked up a Harry Potter book(It was Goblet of Fire) and the girl picked up another book. The next day a bold faced caption for the picture read "Harry Potter is my friend" right on the front page.Followed by an article talking about Banned Book week.
It was truly amazing for me but I was also a little bit worried about the declaration since it made me seem like a target for those people that hated Harry Potter. I have no regrets about my book choice. But I just couldn't help think back to the even that took place a few years ago and how that photo caption pretty much told the supporters that I liked Harry Potter.
Back in 2001 around the time the first Harry Potter movie was set to be released, one of the local churches decided to have a book burning. It wasn't actually just books but board games and CDs as well. This burning was supposed to be a cleansing ritual for church members for such items they considered to keep them from God and that they consider Satanic. This burning included copies of Harry Potter as well as Shakespeare and Tolkien. Yet it was the Harry Potter novels that got the most attention.. It was this event that got my hometown into the national news. People protested the event and donated money to the library so they could purchase more copies of the types of books that were being burnt. The display that had been set up for the movie release was kept up during this time. In other words, there was an abundance of support in defense of the books and the right to read. Some of the protesters present at the burning supposedly had signs comparing the Pastor to Hitler and the fact that he burned books too.
It was this event that made Banned Book week even more important to me. This event showed me that there are still ignorant people in the world. Of course what they did, they felt was right but it really wasn't. It's ignorance. It's ignorant people that make me want to defend a book. I believe that books have the right to be read. If you want to ban or challenge certain books, that's your problem. YOU should be the one to parent your own kid but it's not for you to decide what other children should and shouldn't read.
When I find out a book has been banned or challenged, I actually want to go and get the book just so I can read it and see what the fuss is about. I don't understand a lot of the reasons for the challenges. Then again I'm an open minded type of person. Or at least I try to be.
This is why Banned books week really is important to me.
Celebrate your freedom to read this week!
It's not surprising that this event is important to me as a future librarian. This fact isn't surprising at all. Especially as a Youth librarian this isn't surprising. However, for me banned books week goes even further than just me being an MLS student.
When I was younger, Banned Books week didn't mean a lot to me. I just didn't pay as much attention to it. It was more when I started working at my hometown library that it really became important to me. Also when a certain event took place in my hometown.
In high school and first couple years of college, my hometown would celebrate Banned Books week by holding events. The college library, Townsend library at NMSU-A, and the Public Library, Alamogordo Public Library, joined together this week to put on events. The college holds a Read Out on the courtyard patio area. Other events included movies and discussion groups based on banned/challenged books. Lately, a costume contest has been part of it.
I tried to participate in the events as much as possible. I did the Read Out one year, reading the intro passage from The Witches by Roald Dahl. It was actually during this same year that my picture was on the front page of the local newspaper for Banned Books week. I was visiting the Townsend library one day after classes (or between I don't really remember)when I stumbled across their Banned Books display. I was just looking at the different books along with another girl (I didn't know her) when a newspaper photographer asked to take our picture with the display. I picked up a Harry Potter book(It was Goblet of Fire) and the girl picked up another book. The next day a bold faced caption for the picture read "Harry Potter is my friend" right on the front page.Followed by an article talking about Banned Book week.
Back in 2001 around the time the first Harry Potter movie was set to be released, one of the local churches decided to have a book burning. It wasn't actually just books but board games and CDs as well. This burning was supposed to be a cleansing ritual for church members for such items they considered to keep them from God and that they consider Satanic. This burning included copies of Harry Potter as well as Shakespeare and Tolkien. Yet it was the Harry Potter novels that got the most attention.. It was this event that got my hometown into the national news. People protested the event and donated money to the library so they could purchase more copies of the types of books that were being burnt. The display that had been set up for the movie release was kept up during this time. In other words, there was an abundance of support in defense of the books and the right to read. Some of the protesters present at the burning supposedly had signs comparing the Pastor to Hitler and the fact that he burned books too.
It was this event that made Banned Book week even more important to me. This event showed me that there are still ignorant people in the world. Of course what they did, they felt was right but it really wasn't. It's ignorance. It's ignorant people that make me want to defend a book. I believe that books have the right to be read. If you want to ban or challenge certain books, that's your problem. YOU should be the one to parent your own kid but it's not for you to decide what other children should and shouldn't read.
When I find out a book has been banned or challenged, I actually want to go and get the book just so I can read it and see what the fuss is about. I don't understand a lot of the reasons for the challenges. Then again I'm an open minded type of person. Or at least I try to be.
This is why Banned books week really is important to me.
Celebrate your freedom to read this week!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Things on my mind: A mixed blog post
I have a few things that have been on my mind. Things that have been annoying, things I don't get necessarily, and just things. I guess you could say this post is filled with a lot of different things and will be ranty at times. Fair warning. Also, I might say things that might upset some people so I'm letting you know now.
First off: some things that have been annoying me. I have been trying really hard to become more social and take small steps to do so. However, ever time I try things seem to backfire. Case in point. I have joined the Harry Potter Alliance group on my campus. I figured it deals with Harry Potter and therefore I have a greater chance of making friends. Anyways the first meeting was on August 22 and I went. Not going to lie, I was nervous but I still made myself go and it wasn't that bad. So the next meeting was planned for September 13th. I was eager to go but then it was cancelled or actually postponed until further notice. No biggie. I got over it. Then on Sunday (18th) plans were set in motion for a Hufflepuff house meetup on campus last night at 8:00PM and ongoing until noon today. Well I was so pumped for this! I even told my counselor about it and he encouraged me. I was making small steps to be more sociable and put myself out there! We were going to have a great time! Stay up all night watching Harry Potter movies and playing Harry Potter Scene It? (1st edition) and just have a great time getting to know one another. But then Thursday night comes along and the event is now moved until the following weekend and other houses are going to be invited. I got over it but at the same time I'm extremely annoyed with the people in charge of this group. I just want them to get their act together and figure out when we're going to meet again. Really it's not easy for me to be sociable and having things planned and then having them cancelled doesn't exactly do me any good. I mean I get nervous about going in the first place and get myself almost worked up over them and then it's a let down when nothing happens. It's just really annoying!!
On a somewhat related note, I basically was unable to go to another event, a dinner, that was scheduled tonight. I was going to go but I was unable to get the address of where it was taking place. I'm not familiar with the Denton area still so unless I have an address, I'm out of luck. I was able to get general directions but what was I going to do once I got there with no address? Just sit around and wait? I don't even know anyone that was going! So I didn't go.
Now this is another thing that is bothering me. I feel as though I'm not making any progress as far as taking small steps to be sociable. It almost seems as though I'm backing out. I assure you it's not intentional and that I intend to go. It's just things not working out. Still it makes me seem as though I'm not making any progress to fix things. I know I am but still.
I've also been annoyed by people lately on twitter. It's really only one person and lately I just feel like writing mean, nasty, sarcastic replies to some of their tweets. I don't understand where this bitterness or whatever is coming from though. I don't understand it either. I'm not normally this type of person.
But one of the things this person has been endlessly tweeting about lately is their love of The Muppets. They literally are that obsessed about it that they tweet practically once or twice a day about something Muppet-related. They even wrote an essay about them for one of their class assignments! (quite honestly, something I've never done about any of my obsessions). It's gotten to be extremely annoying and I wish I could just tell them to SHUT UP! but I can't. I can't even really complain since I have my own obsessions like that and that sometimes I tweet excessively about them.
The thing I don't get is why I haven't unfollowed this person. It's not just the tweets that I can't seem to stand, it's the personality of the person too. I've met the person and they seem nice and we have some things in common but something about their personality just really doesn't mesh well with mine.
I guess I don't understand the obsession she has with The Muppets. Actually, I don't understand anyone's obsession. I love The Muppets. I really do. I guess some of the excitement is because a new movie is coming out in November and it's been a really long time since that happened. I plan to go see the new movie and I am excited about it but just not as much as others it seems. I guess I just don't get it. I remember loving The Muppets and watching all the movies when I was younger. I still love Kermit and Piggy and Fozzie. I watched The Muppet Show Tonight when it was on in the 90s and loved it. I've been to The Muppet Vision 3D in Disney World multiple times. I still love to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol during the holidays and in fact it's one of my all time favorite versions of the story. So see, I really do love The Muppets. Yet I still don't feel as though I'm as into them as some people are and that is what I guess I just don't understand. My brother is excited for the new movie. He loves The Muppets too. He and his family dressed up as Muppet characters for Halloween one year (Kermit, Piggy, Swedish Chef). Today happens to be Jim Hanson's 75th birthday (if he'd been alive) and I'm seeing all these tweets from people saying how much he meant to them and how his death had such an impact on them and I just don't get it. I honestly doesn't mean much to me. Sure he was brilliant but it doesn't seem to faze me that much for some reason. I feel as though I should care more but I just really don't for some reason. As much as I like the Muppets, it just doesn't seem to be that much of an obsession for me as it is for others.
I guess I just haven't had the chance to really get that obsessed about them for some reason Which is a bit strange too considering how easily I get obsessed about things. I mean I'm obsessed with Portal and Portal 2 though I've only played the 1st and only recently. I was obsessed with it before I ever started playing the game myself! I'm even obsessed with Doctor Who even though I've only ever watched the first season and have yet to really begin the 2nd. I just doesn't make sense to me.
Phew! If you've made it this far reading, I applaud you! A lot of things on my mind which is one reason I had to write them all down. It makes it easier to sort them all out and get them off my mind.
First off: some things that have been annoying me. I have been trying really hard to become more social and take small steps to do so. However, ever time I try things seem to backfire. Case in point. I have joined the Harry Potter Alliance group on my campus. I figured it deals with Harry Potter and therefore I have a greater chance of making friends. Anyways the first meeting was on August 22 and I went. Not going to lie, I was nervous but I still made myself go and it wasn't that bad. So the next meeting was planned for September 13th. I was eager to go but then it was cancelled or actually postponed until further notice. No biggie. I got over it. Then on Sunday (18th) plans were set in motion for a Hufflepuff house meetup on campus last night at 8:00PM and ongoing until noon today. Well I was so pumped for this! I even told my counselor about it and he encouraged me. I was making small steps to be more sociable and put myself out there! We were going to have a great time! Stay up all night watching Harry Potter movies and playing Harry Potter Scene It? (1st edition) and just have a great time getting to know one another. But then Thursday night comes along and the event is now moved until the following weekend and other houses are going to be invited. I got over it but at the same time I'm extremely annoyed with the people in charge of this group. I just want them to get their act together and figure out when we're going to meet again. Really it's not easy for me to be sociable and having things planned and then having them cancelled doesn't exactly do me any good. I mean I get nervous about going in the first place and get myself almost worked up over them and then it's a let down when nothing happens. It's just really annoying!!
On a somewhat related note, I basically was unable to go to another event, a dinner, that was scheduled tonight. I was going to go but I was unable to get the address of where it was taking place. I'm not familiar with the Denton area still so unless I have an address, I'm out of luck. I was able to get general directions but what was I going to do once I got there with no address? Just sit around and wait? I don't even know anyone that was going! So I didn't go.
Now this is another thing that is bothering me. I feel as though I'm not making any progress as far as taking small steps to be sociable. It almost seems as though I'm backing out. I assure you it's not intentional and that I intend to go. It's just things not working out. Still it makes me seem as though I'm not making any progress to fix things. I know I am but still.
I've also been annoyed by people lately on twitter. It's really only one person and lately I just feel like writing mean, nasty, sarcastic replies to some of their tweets. I don't understand where this bitterness or whatever is coming from though. I don't understand it either. I'm not normally this type of person.
But one of the things this person has been endlessly tweeting about lately is their love of The Muppets. They literally are that obsessed about it that they tweet practically once or twice a day about something Muppet-related. They even wrote an essay about them for one of their class assignments! (quite honestly, something I've never done about any of my obsessions). It's gotten to be extremely annoying and I wish I could just tell them to SHUT UP! but I can't. I can't even really complain since I have my own obsessions like that and that sometimes I tweet excessively about them.
The thing I don't get is why I haven't unfollowed this person. It's not just the tweets that I can't seem to stand, it's the personality of the person too. I've met the person and they seem nice and we have some things in common but something about their personality just really doesn't mesh well with mine.
I guess I don't understand the obsession she has with The Muppets. Actually, I don't understand anyone's obsession. I love The Muppets. I really do. I guess some of the excitement is because a new movie is coming out in November and it's been a really long time since that happened. I plan to go see the new movie and I am excited about it but just not as much as others it seems. I guess I just don't get it. I remember loving The Muppets and watching all the movies when I was younger. I still love Kermit and Piggy and Fozzie. I watched The Muppet Show Tonight when it was on in the 90s and loved it. I've been to The Muppet Vision 3D in Disney World multiple times. I still love to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol during the holidays and in fact it's one of my all time favorite versions of the story. So see, I really do love The Muppets. Yet I still don't feel as though I'm as into them as some people are and that is what I guess I just don't understand. My brother is excited for the new movie. He loves The Muppets too. He and his family dressed up as Muppet characters for Halloween one year (Kermit, Piggy, Swedish Chef). Today happens to be Jim Hanson's 75th birthday (if he'd been alive) and I'm seeing all these tweets from people saying how much he meant to them and how his death had such an impact on them and I just don't get it. I honestly doesn't mean much to me. Sure he was brilliant but it doesn't seem to faze me that much for some reason. I feel as though I should care more but I just really don't for some reason. As much as I like the Muppets, it just doesn't seem to be that much of an obsession for me as it is for others.
I guess I just haven't had the chance to really get that obsessed about them for some reason Which is a bit strange too considering how easily I get obsessed about things. I mean I'm obsessed with Portal and Portal 2 though I've only played the 1st and only recently. I was obsessed with it before I ever started playing the game myself! I'm even obsessed with Doctor Who even though I've only ever watched the first season and have yet to really begin the 2nd. I just doesn't make sense to me.
Phew! If you've made it this far reading, I applaud you! A lot of things on my mind which is one reason I had to write them all down. It makes it easier to sort them all out and get them off my mind.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Panic attack/nervous breakdown and lack of motivation
It's late at night (or really early in the morning) and I realized that I totally spaced out and forgot to do a couple of assignments PLUS a discussion for one of my classes that were due last Friday (16th) This resulted in a full on panic attack (although my definition of a panic attack is probably not the same as an actual panic attack). In fact it's probably more like a nervous breakdown. I broke down in tears because I just felt so terrible that I forgot. I can't help it. I feel so horrible about what I've done. I'm calmed down somewhat at this point. Calm enough to write this posting at least.
I feel numb now. I don't really know how else to describe it. It's a terrible feeling. I feel like a failure right now. Like I should have been more on top of things and that it's all my fault because I wasn't.
The thing that gets me is that I wrote down the assignments in my planner (obviously that turned out well...) and I still forgot (of course actually checking my planner would help too). Yet, while I mostly blame myself, part of me can't help but blame my professor as well for not utilizing the calender program in Blackboard to remind you of when assignments are due. Look, I'm smart and responsible and I realize that it's not my professor's duty to babysit me. I'm an adult and should be able to look at a calender provided in the syllabus and know when things are due. But I am human and I do tend to space out and forget about things. Which is why it's good to have the reminder in Blackboard. It lets me know exactly what I have due on a certain day. It helps keep me on better track than simply just providing me with a calender to follow on my own with no reminders.
I still have to complete the assignment. But now I can only get about 40 on it. I can't even get full points anymore because it's 10 points off for every day it's late. That's also only if I can manage to get the assignment done today (Tuesday) and uploaded. The problem is that I have ANOTHER assignment for another class due today. I haven't even started working on the actual assignment yet (though I have done a bit of research for it). It's a max of 15 pages and while it isn't necessarily difficult, it is a bit involved. That was going to be my main assignment for today. In fact, I was all set to head off to bed early and get up early to spend my day working on it. But then this happened. So now I have to see if I can somehow work the late assignment in.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I’ve never had this happen to me before. I’m usually on top of such things with the occasional forgetfulness. I completely dropped the ball this time and I don’t know how to get it back. I know I procrastinate too much. So much sometimes that I wait until the last day and then panic because I almost don't finish in time (and sometimes I don't). I'm not perfect by any means.
I'm worried because now I’ll really have to work hard on everything else for the class if I want to pass with an A and keep my 4.0 graduate GPA. Which adds pressure to my already panicked state and everything else that's going on in my life. I add stress and pressure to myself. It's just who I am. Not that it makes anything any easier.
I guess part of me is also feeling bad because I just haven’t been motivated to get going with my classwork and because of that I feel that it’s causing all these problems. I don’t normally forget things like this. I just don’t. I just want to know what’s going on with me?! Why can’t I just get things together this semester? I seem to procrastinate more this semester. While this is certainly not new, it seems to be even worse this semester. Now I literally wait until the last day to finish an assignment it seems. At least with previous semesters, I generally at least got some or most of the assignment done the day before the day it was due.
I don't understand what's going on. I just can't seem to get into my classes. They aren't boring or anything. It's just I don't really seem interested in them or something. I just don't seem to want to do the assignments.There just isn't any motivation there. I may glance at the assignments and decide I really don't want to do them even though I have to. I look at them and it seems almost easier to not do them. For instance, when I saw the instructions for this assignment due today (it's a Library profile), I saw the 15 pages and pretty much just shoved it aside. I feel more confused this semester as well. I feel like I don't really know what's going on with my assignments or classes at all. Perhaps another reason I don't feel motivated is because I just don't get it. It feels like nothing makes sense and the more I try to make sense, the more confused I get and the more frustrated I get. I get to the point to where I'd rather give up and pretty much do because I'm just so confused. Once I've reached that point it's nearly impossible for me to get anywhere else.
Now obviously I have to do it or risk failing which would be horrible for me. I hate failing. I hate turning in less than satisfactory (in my opinion) work. While I know a few bad assignments won't necessarily destroy me, I still feel horrible about it. I guess it hasn't helped that I have a GPA of 4.0 since I've been in grad school and now really want to keep it that way. It hasn't really bothered me to get a "B" in a class before but now I guess I have a slight fear to get a "B". I wouldn't mind it necessarily but I still kinda don't want it.
What am I doing to myself? I push myself so much that when I don't do my best I feel like a failure and feel terrible about it. Why do I strive to get the "A" despite the fact that I can't always do that well? Why can't I seem to get my priorities in order and get my assignments done in a timely manner?Why can't I motivate myself to get the assignments done and stop procrastinating?
So many questions going on. None of them seem to make a lot of sense.I feel as though I don't know myself sometimes anymore. I used to be a great student. Well a fairly good student at least. But now, I don't think so. I don't feel like the good student I once was.
What kind of student am I anymore? What do I do to get that student back?
One positive thing to note (really the only positive thing to note), is that so far this missing assignments and discussions and turning in half done assignments, has really only been for 1 class: my school library media class. Make of that what you will.
I know it's only a couple more days but right now Thursday seems a long way off (that's when I have another session). I really need the help now.
I feel numb now. I don't really know how else to describe it. It's a terrible feeling. I feel like a failure right now. Like I should have been more on top of things and that it's all my fault because I wasn't.
The thing that gets me is that I wrote down the assignments in my planner (obviously that turned out well...) and I still forgot (of course actually checking my planner would help too). Yet, while I mostly blame myself, part of me can't help but blame my professor as well for not utilizing the calender program in Blackboard to remind you of when assignments are due. Look, I'm smart and responsible and I realize that it's not my professor's duty to babysit me. I'm an adult and should be able to look at a calender provided in the syllabus and know when things are due. But I am human and I do tend to space out and forget about things. Which is why it's good to have the reminder in Blackboard. It lets me know exactly what I have due on a certain day. It helps keep me on better track than simply just providing me with a calender to follow on my own with no reminders.
I still have to complete the assignment. But now I can only get about 40 on it. I can't even get full points anymore because it's 10 points off for every day it's late. That's also only if I can manage to get the assignment done today (Tuesday) and uploaded. The problem is that I have ANOTHER assignment for another class due today. I haven't even started working on the actual assignment yet (though I have done a bit of research for it). It's a max of 15 pages and while it isn't necessarily difficult, it is a bit involved. That was going to be my main assignment for today. In fact, I was all set to head off to bed early and get up early to spend my day working on it. But then this happened. So now I have to see if I can somehow work the late assignment in.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I’ve never had this happen to me before. I’m usually on top of such things with the occasional forgetfulness. I completely dropped the ball this time and I don’t know how to get it back. I know I procrastinate too much. So much sometimes that I wait until the last day and then panic because I almost don't finish in time (and sometimes I don't). I'm not perfect by any means.
I'm worried because now I’ll really have to work hard on everything else for the class if I want to pass with an A and keep my 4.0 graduate GPA. Which adds pressure to my already panicked state and everything else that's going on in my life. I add stress and pressure to myself. It's just who I am. Not that it makes anything any easier.
I guess part of me is also feeling bad because I just haven’t been motivated to get going with my classwork and because of that I feel that it’s causing all these problems. I don’t normally forget things like this. I just don’t. I just want to know what’s going on with me?! Why can’t I just get things together this semester? I seem to procrastinate more this semester. While this is certainly not new, it seems to be even worse this semester. Now I literally wait until the last day to finish an assignment it seems. At least with previous semesters, I generally at least got some or most of the assignment done the day before the day it was due.
I don't understand what's going on. I just can't seem to get into my classes. They aren't boring or anything. It's just I don't really seem interested in them or something. I just don't seem to want to do the assignments.There just isn't any motivation there. I may glance at the assignments and decide I really don't want to do them even though I have to. I look at them and it seems almost easier to not do them. For instance, when I saw the instructions for this assignment due today (it's a Library profile), I saw the 15 pages and pretty much just shoved it aside. I feel more confused this semester as well. I feel like I don't really know what's going on with my assignments or classes at all. Perhaps another reason I don't feel motivated is because I just don't get it. It feels like nothing makes sense and the more I try to make sense, the more confused I get and the more frustrated I get. I get to the point to where I'd rather give up and pretty much do because I'm just so confused. Once I've reached that point it's nearly impossible for me to get anywhere else.
Now obviously I have to do it or risk failing which would be horrible for me. I hate failing. I hate turning in less than satisfactory (in my opinion) work. While I know a few bad assignments won't necessarily destroy me, I still feel horrible about it. I guess it hasn't helped that I have a GPA of 4.0 since I've been in grad school and now really want to keep it that way. It hasn't really bothered me to get a "B" in a class before but now I guess I have a slight fear to get a "B". I wouldn't mind it necessarily but I still kinda don't want it.
What am I doing to myself? I push myself so much that when I don't do my best I feel like a failure and feel terrible about it. Why do I strive to get the "A" despite the fact that I can't always do that well? Why can't I seem to get my priorities in order and get my assignments done in a timely manner?Why can't I motivate myself to get the assignments done and stop procrastinating?
So many questions going on. None of them seem to make a lot of sense.I feel as though I don't know myself sometimes anymore. I used to be a great student. Well a fairly good student at least. But now, I don't think so. I don't feel like the good student I once was.
What kind of student am I anymore? What do I do to get that student back?
One positive thing to note (really the only positive thing to note), is that so far this missing assignments and discussions and turning in half done assignments, has really only been for 1 class: my school library media class. Make of that what you will.
I know it's only a couple more days but right now Thursday seems a long way off (that's when I have another session). I really need the help now.
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