Panic attack/nervous breakdown and lack of motivation

It's late at night (or really early in the morning) and I realized that I totally spaced out and forgot to do a couple of assignments PLUS a discussion for one of my classes that were due last Friday (16th) This resulted in a full on panic attack (although my definition of a panic attack is probably not the same as an actual panic attack). In fact it's probably more like a nervous breakdown. I broke down in tears because I just felt so terrible that I forgot. I can't help it. I feel so horrible about what I've done. I'm calmed down somewhat at this point. Calm enough to write this posting at least.

I feel numb now. I don't really know how else to describe it. It's a terrible feeling. I feel like a failure right now. Like I should have been more on top of things and that it's all my fault because I wasn't.

The thing that gets me is that I wrote down the assignments in my planner (obviously that turned out well...) and I still forgot (of course actually checking my planner  would help too). Yet, while I mostly blame myself,  part of me can't help but blame my professor as well for not utilizing the calender program in Blackboard to remind you of when assignments are due. Look, I'm smart and responsible and I realize that it's not my professor's duty to babysit me. I'm an adult and should be able to look at a calender provided in the syllabus and know when things are due. But I am human and I do tend to space out and forget about things. Which is why it's good to have the reminder in Blackboard. It lets me know exactly what I have due on a certain day. It helps keep me on better track than simply just providing me with a calender to follow on my own with no reminders.

I still have to complete the assignment. But now I can only get about 40 on it. I can't even get full points anymore because it's 10 points off for every day it's late.  That's also only if I can manage to get the assignment done today (Tuesday) and uploaded. The problem is that I have ANOTHER assignment for another class due today. I haven't even started working on the actual assignment yet (though I have done a bit of research for it).  It's a max of 15 pages and while it isn't necessarily difficult, it is a bit involved. That was going to be my main assignment for today. In fact, I was all set to head off to bed early and get up early to spend my day working on it. But then this happened. So now I have to see if I can somehow work the late assignment in.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I’ve never had this happen to me before. I’m usually on top of such things with the occasional forgetfulness. I completely dropped the ball this time and I don’t know how to get it back. I know I procrastinate too much. So much sometimes that I wait until the last day and then panic because I almost don't finish in time (and sometimes I don't). I'm not perfect by any means.

I'm worried because now I’ll really have to work hard on everything else for the class if I want to pass with an A and keep my 4.0 graduate GPA. Which adds pressure to my already panicked state and  everything else that's going on in my life.  I add stress and pressure to myself. It's just who I am. Not that it makes anything any easier.

I guess part of me is also feeling bad because I just haven’t been motivated to get going with my classwork and because of that I feel that it’s causing all these problems. I don’t normally forget things like this. I just don’t. I just want to know what’s going on with me?! Why can’t I just get things together this semester? I  seem to procrastinate more this semester. While this is certainly not new, it seems to be even worse this semester. Now I literally wait until the last day to finish an assignment it seems. At least with previous semesters, I generally at least got some or most of the assignment done the day before the day it was due.

I don't understand what's going on. I just can't seem to get into my classes. They aren't boring or anything. It's just I don't really seem interested in them or something. I just don't seem to want to do the assignments.There just isn't any motivation there. I may glance at the assignments and decide I really don't want to do them even though I have to. I look at them and it seems almost easier to not do them.  For instance, when I saw the instructions for this assignment due today (it's a Library profile), I saw the 15 pages and pretty much just shoved it aside.  I feel more confused this semester as well. I feel like  I don't really know what's going on with my assignments or classes at all. Perhaps another reason I don't feel motivated is because I just don't get it. It feels like nothing makes sense and the more I try to make sense, the more confused I get and the more frustrated I get. I get to the point to where I'd rather give up and pretty much do because I'm just so confused. Once I've reached that point it's nearly impossible for me to get anywhere else.

Now obviously I have to do it or risk failing which would be horrible for me. I hate failing. I hate turning in less than satisfactory (in my opinion) work. While I know a few bad assignments won't necessarily destroy me, I still feel horrible about it. I guess it hasn't helped that I have a GPA of 4.0 since I've been in grad school and now really want to keep it that way. It hasn't really bothered me to get a "B" in a class before but now I  guess I have a slight fear to get a "B". I wouldn't mind it necessarily but I still kinda don't want it.

What am I doing to myself? I push myself so much that when I don't do my best I feel like a failure and feel terrible about it. Why do I strive to get the "A" despite the fact that I can't always do that well? Why can't I seem to get my priorities in order and get my assignments done in a timely manner?Why can't I motivate myself to get the assignments done and stop procrastinating?

So many questions going on. None of them seem to make a lot of sense.I feel as though I don't know myself sometimes anymore. I used to be a great student. Well a fairly good student at least. But now, I don't think so. I don't feel like the good student I once was.

What kind of student am I anymore? What do I do to get that student back?

One positive thing to note (really the only positive thing to note), is that so far this missing assignments and discussions and turning in half done assignments, has really only been for 1 class: my school library media class. Make of that what you will.

I know it's only a couple more days but right now Thursday seems a long way off (that's when I have another session).  I really need the help now.