Let's talk about mental illness

So this past week, Monday, there was yet another tragic shooting in the United States. This is only the latest in what is turning out to be a series of unfortunate events. In order to avoid triggering events, I'm not going to get into detail about any of the events nor do I find it necessary to do so. If someone really wants to know more, feel free to search the web.

But one thing that all these events have in common is the people that caused them. No one really knows or understands why these people did what they did, but one thing seems to be a common factor among each of these individuals: they all are sufferers of some form of mental illness. At least that is what many in the media are saying about the individuals. 

All the individuals involved in these events have suffered from some sort of mental episode at some point or another. As tragic as these events have been, there is a bit of a positive side to them. Because these individuals have been said to have been suffering from some form of mental illness, it has opened communication about mental health. 

People are now talking about mental health more and what can be done to help individuals such as these. For the longest time, no one talked about mental health. It was kept quiet.  Now it's being brought out into the open. People are bringing more attention to mental health. They are talking about it more and advocating for it.

It's tragic that such events had to take place in order for mental health to be talked about but if changes happen that help avoid such events in the future, then that's the positive thing.  

Although I do have to admit, whenever the media talks about mental health in relation to these events, they seem to give it a negative connotation. They seem to speak negatively about mental illness. In a way, events such as these, give a negative view to mental health. These events don't explain all mental illnesses though. But because of these events, people feel that this is what people suffering from mental illness are all like. 

Events such as the one that took place on Monday paint a negative picture surrounding mental illness. People get the wrong idea about mental illness. They see these individuals and start to believe that anyone who suffers from a mental illness is like them. 

Those of us who suffer from mental illnesses know that this is far from the truth.  While yes, there are some people with mental health issues who go to the extremes but that's not all of us.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness does not mean you are someone who wants to go on a killing spree or hurt people.   Not everyone who has clinical depression wants to end their own life.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone who suffers from the same illness. Not everyone experiences a mental illness in the same way or even has the same symptoms.

As you know, I have clinical depression. I also have anxiety. I was officially diagnosed back in March. However, if you were to see me, you wouldn't know it right away.  I don't look any different from any other individual. I look fine.

And that's also where the whole thing of having an invisible illness comes in. Just because you don't look like you're sick, people don't believe you are sick.  But that's doesn't make it any less real. Those of us who are suffering, often suffer in silence because of this. Those of us who need help, feel helpless because people don't understand.

The only people who really understand, are the ones who have suffered themselves. That's when you truly understand what it's like to be depressed or anxious.  For those of us that suffer, every day is a struggle.

We fight each and every day to go about our lives like a normal, functional human being. We fight to keep going on our bad days.  We are fighters.

Believe me, it's hard. Having to put on a mask of sorts and pretend that you aren't miserable inside. Having to fight against your symptoms. Having emotions that you can't always explain to others.

I don't always know why I feel sad or why certain things cause me anxiety when they shouldn't.  But the fact that I get up and try to go about my life like normal, is a battle I face everyday. Somehow I keep going even though it seems hopeless at times.

A couple months after I was diagnosed, I went and saw the movie Iron Man 3. I was so excited to see this new Marvel movie after seeing the first 2. What I didn't expect, was to see Tony Stark being so human and relating to it.

Iron Man 3 takes place after the events in The Avengers. What happened in that movie, had a great impact on Tony Stark because he begins having panic attacks. When this first happened in the movie, it surprised me. Because I could relate to Tony. I knew the feeling.

I almost broke down crying because it just hit so close to home for me. To see a "hero" be so human. I was still relatively new to my diagnoses. I was still coming to terms with what having clinical depression and anxiety meant for me. Seeing this made me feel better. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone. It made me feel like I too could be Iron Man.

For me, Iron Man 3 was so much more than probably what a lot of moviegoers saw.  For me, in some ways, I saw myself.  I saw a movie that brought a mental illness to light and give it a powerful meaning.

I saw a movie that brought what anxiety is like in a very real way.  It brought to life what a mental disorder is really like. For that, I'm glad.  This gives me something to use in conversations with people when explaining my mental illnesses.

That's the thing about mental health. We need to talk about it more. Break the stigma surrounding it. If we talked about it more, then more people wouldn't be so afraid to ask for help. If we talked more about it, we could prevent horrible shooting tragedies from happening.

We take care of our physical health so why shouldn't we take care of our mental health?

I was strong enough to reach out and get help. Not everyone is like that though. So if you or someone you know is having a difficult time, please encourage them to get help. Don't let them suffer any longer than they need to.

You don't have to be alone in suffering.  If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll listen.

Why do these tears come at night?

"If there is nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"- Britney Spears, Lucky

I know you are probably tired of me talking about my mental health problems; my anxiety and depression. I can't help it though. This is my daily life now. For how long? Even I don't know the answer to that.

Since being diagnosed, I deal with this on a daily basis. I struggle with mental illness and it's just how it is.

I may not be dealing with this forever but I don't know that.  I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

The song lyric at the beginning describes my feelings recently. If nothing is wrong, then why do I still experience sadness? Why do the tears still come? Why do things still feel like they could be better than they are?

I got back from my therapy session earlier this afternoon. One of the things mentioned last week that we talked about today was about increasing my antidepressant dosage.

My therapist thinks I still need a bit of an increase and she convinced me that I need one too. I mean, I'm not against it but at the same time I guess I am.

I'm still struggling more than I probably should be. As my therapist told me, I still seem to be a bit teary and she's right. In addition to me feeling teary and unexplained bouts of sadness, my anxiety has been all out of sorts lately.  I guess I really do need another increase.

My therapist and I also talked about how long I've been suffering from depression and it's probably longer than even I thought. I know I've been suffering for at least a year.  Perhaps even longer.

I've been in and out of counseling for over a year. When I first began, I don't think I was really suffering from depression. I certainly have anxiety issues and have known that for some time. However, it wasn't as bad as it has gotten.

Counseling helped but not as much. Things still weren't that great. As it was, a friend of mine pointed out that I might need something more than just counseling. She was the first to suggest this and she turned out to be right. At the time I didn't really think much about it. Soon after being diagnosed and starting my antidepressant, I remembered what my friend had said.

Things certainly have improved. Yet, like I said, I still have moments of unexplained sadness and moments of heightened anxiety. Prior to being officially diagnosed, I couldn't seem to make it through a therapy session without breaking down in tears all the time. I didn't really understand what was going on with me.

I still get a bit teary during my sessions now but things aren't as bad as they were. I'm no longer breaking down completely in tears like I was.  Things were a lot worse than they are now.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't seem to keep myself from breaking down during my therapy sessions. Now I know.

As for my dosage having to be as high as it is, my therapist told me that I was probably at a really low place for a long time and because of that, it's going to take me a longer time to adjust and find the right dosage for me. It's going to take a longer time for me to finally begin recovering.

Also because my life isn't as settled as my brother's is right now, I'm under more stress and therefore, my depression is worse. I'm taking a higher dosage than he is.

Another thing my therapist said is that people who are under chronic stress are more likely to develop depression. That seems like what happened to me. I get stressed fairly easily and I don't handle it well. I'm a bit of a perfectionist,I'll admit.

I'm working on it but I know it's because of this that I stress out so much. So perhaps I did somehow develop depression partly because of that. Then again, I think I'm just someone who was more susceptible for various reasons.

I try so hard to hide my sadness especially from my parents. I just don't want them to worry about me more than necessary. I know they just want to help and want me to be happy. But this is my battle; my struggle.
They mentioned too that I still seem a bit teary to my therapist when they talked to her. So perhaps, I'm not hiding it as well as I thought.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling teary and feeling like breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I'm tired of my anxiety being high and not having a specific cause.

It's a trial and error process to find the right dosage and even to be diagnosed. Depression isn't that simple.

 "How do you know when you have it?"

The thing is, you don't really know and it's not that simple to diagnose either because each person can experience it differently. It's a complex mental illness.

I just hope I can get things sorted out soon.

Where is my happiness?

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm just so done with it all.

Look, I understand that being diagnosed with a mental illness is no easy thing. I know that it takes time to understand it and to come up with a plan for recovery.

Yet, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. I still feel like things could be better.

I was diagnosed back in March as having depression although, I've been suffering for at least a year. I also have anxiety which is not uncommon. A lot of people who have depression also have anxiety. 

I'm glad to finally have an answer to explain why I'm feeling this way but still it's not easy to explain to people. It's not easy to explain to people you have an illness that is invisible. They don't understand why some things are difficult for you to do.  

My parents don't quite understand although after meeting with my therapist last week, I feel they understand a little bit more than they did before. 

I don't know. I guess I just feel I should be at a much better place by now and I am. However, I also feel things could be even better than they are. It frustrates me sometimes that I'm still struggling. 

I'm impatient I'll admit. I want things to get better faster for my sake and so that I can get back to a sense of normalcy again. Yet, I also understand that because I've suffered for quite some time, things just won't be that easy. That for me, my recovery is going to take quite a while. 

I understand that I'm still going to have my ups and downs; there will still be bad days.  Yet, I'm tired. 

Here I am again tonight feeling sadness and heightened anxiety. I feel like breaking down in tears. There's no reason to explain any of this. 

I know I'm entitled to still feel this way but it's frustrating. I get upset with myself and my brain. I just want to feel happy again. Truly happy. Sometimes I feel I'll never feel that again. 

I feel happiness but then nights like tonight happen and I don't really know anymore. I get days where my anxiety levels are high and I get anxious in situations that I hadn't gotten anxious in before. 

My therapist and I are supposed to discuss my antidepressant dosage at our session tomorrow.  That's one thing that she mentioned at the end of last week after she finished talking to my parents.  

I understand that it also takes time to find the right dosage but it's also frustrating that I haven't found it yet. I think I do but then I have several nights where I feel my anxiety and depression more. That's when it makes me question if my dosage is correct.  

I've already had to up my dosage a couple times. I started off taking only 50mg and things starting improving a bit. After a couple of weeks I moved to 75mg. It seemed that 75mg was going to be fine especially as that was the dosage my brother is also taking. But then my therapist felt that things could still be better. A few more weeks later, I was upped to 100mg and that's where I've been since. 

I'm certainly in a better place than I was prior to beginning my antidepressant. I felt that 100mg was working just fine and I still feel like it is. However, now I'm not sure.

I've been feeling extremely anxious for the past few nights as well as feeling like breaking down in tears. I don't understand what's really going on. In a way, I'm feeling like I've gone backwards in terms of my recovery. In addition to my symptoms being worse than usual, I've noticed I've lost a bit of interest in things. 

Of course there has been a few things going on lately that have added stress to me which I'm sure hasn't helped. It's just been hard to feel like I'm truly getting better when I'm still under a lot of stress and pressure from family. Then again, I also feel like if it wasn't for this stress, I wouldn't know just how bad my mental health issues truly were. 

The thing is that part of me is a bit resistant to upping my dosage again. I feel like maybe I need a little more time to see. But then again, I've already been on this dosage for over a month now and things should be better than they are.  

I just feel that my dosage is already high. I guess I didn't realize just how much I was struggling. My mom commented that my dosage seems high when she asked me. I don't know. I guess it is a bit high and it certainly makes me feel a bit awkward that my dosage is higher than my older brother.

I mean, I know my brother is bad but I didn't think I was worse than he was. I guess I was wrong. Then again, depression is different for each person that has it. My struggles are certainly different than his. 

I guess it just takes some time to figure everything out. But I'm impatient. I'm tired. I just want to feel like a normal person again. Or as normal as I can be. I know that I'll probably never be "normal" in a sense but at least get to a point where I'm not feeling like I am tonight. 

I just wish my mind could sort itself out. 

Forgiven but not forgotten

Yesterday, my parents and I went to church for Sunday morning service.  Normally we go on Saturday evenings but we had other commitments during that time.

I happened to see a girl who was a Sunday school classmate of mine and who graduated high school the same year I did. Now this girl used to make fun of me. Yes, at Sunday school. She would say things that made me feel bad.

Eventually though, the girl stopped being mean to me apologized but it was too late. I could never trust her again. I couldn't feel comfortable around her ever again. She made me nervous still.

Even though we are both adults now, I can never forget what she did to me. I've mostly forgiven her but still harbor bad feelings because of what she did to me.  It's hard sometimes for me to be nice to her when I'd rather not be. I still feel like avoiding her.

This isn't the first time I've been picked on by others. I used to be picked on when I was going the Recreation Center.

I eventually grew to learn the names of my main tormentors. We didn't go to the same Elementary school but we did go to the same middle and high schools. I remembered them and how mean they had been to me.
They didn't really remember me. Still though, bad memories and feelings toward them remained.

I do forgive these people but at the same time, I can't forget what they did to me. I'm generally nice to them although part of me feels like I shouldn't be because of what they did to me.

They hurt me and made me feel miserable. They contributed to my lack of confidence and having trouble trusting people.

I can forgive them but I will never forget what they did.

A nagging feeling...

Something a bit strange has been going on with me. It's been on my mind since Thursday and I just can't put my finger on what it is that is bothering me. 

On Thursday, my parents and I went out of town to Las Cruces to pick up my new replacement laptop from Best Buy. It didn't take very long for me to get my new laptop and since it was close to lunchtime, we decided to have lunch at Si Senor. After lunch, we headed to the mall to walk around for a bit and window shop. 

At one point, I decided to check out Hot Topic and let my parents go ahead. I wasn't in the store very long but my parents were quite a ways ahead when I got out. I was passing by a cart and just looking around when the salesperson stopped me.  He said I had dropped something and I thought I actually had. It turns out it was just a cheesy thing to get me to talk to him. I "had dropped my beautiful smile". I laughed it off and was going to keep walking but he started talking to me and I didn't know how. 

He introduced himself to me and got me to sit down while he talked about the product he was selling. He wasn't mean or anything about it. To be honest he was charming and I know that's what got me. The product he was selling was a facial cleaner and he demonstrated what it did. In my mind, I was just wondering how soon I could tell him I wasn't interested and get away. 

Finally he got to talking about the deal he was offering that day and luckily I had an excuse. I told him I would be interested but I couldn't take his offer today because I didn't have the funds for it. I told him I was a student and trying to find a job. I thanked him for the information and apologized and I was finally free to go. 

But afterwards, I got this nagging feeling. I was also upset with myself for letting myself get worked into this. I just couldn't get it off my mind and I still can't. 

It finally occurred to me what it was about this situation that was bothering me. It was triggering for me. It brought back the memories of what happened to me. Briefly but still. I couldn't help but relate it to that. I was taken advantage of and I had let someone take advantage of me because I was too nice. 

That's the problem. I'm too nice and polite to say no. I let myself get talked into having the sales guy demonstrate his product to me. It was stupid and I regret it despite the fact that nothing bad happened.  

I still can't get off my mind. This has triggered bad memories for me. Not horribly but still. 

It makes me feel as though I have extremely low self-esteem and can be easily charmed by a guy telling me how pretty I am. Because that's what seemed to have happened. I'm too nice and polite to people at times and I know that's part of my problem.It makes me vulnerable.

I thought I was pretty good about letting people know I wasn't interested but I guess in reality, I'm not as good. 

 I've tried to shake this feeling and what happened but I'm having trouble doing so.  I don't really get why something this simple is making me feel the way I am. 

But then again, perhaps I do get why at the same time. 

Early warning signs

The more I think about things like my childhood and growing up, the more I realize that perhaps there were early signs that could have led me to where I am now. Things that I never thought about before.

I've always felt as though my childhood was mostly happy. I felt like I was a happy child. I had struggles like any normal child but I felt I survived things ok.

I struggled to make friends. I was left out of things and picked on because I was thought to be "different". I was the weird girl; more studious than many of my so called "friends". I was definitely nerdy and am proud of that fact.

Yet despite all that, I still feel as though my childhood was mostly positive. So how did I end up with depression and anxiety at age 25?

I know I've almost always tended to be more of an emotional type of person. I've mention how the other kids labeled me as a "Crybaby" and how I hated it. But I was emotional. I still am and sometimes I hate that I am.

Still though, I wouldn't think that would be any reason for me to be the way I am now and perhaps not.

The more I think about things though, the more I realize that perhaps there were signs that I recognize now that I wouldn't have back then. Things that seemed normal at the time.

For one thing, looking back on it, I guess I could say that I suffered from a bout of depression during 8th grade.I felt like I was constantly between fights with my friends and I hated it. I also was left out a lot with some of my friends when it came to things. 8th grade was just basically a struggle for me.

I turned to writing a lot during this time. I wrote stories and poetry to express how I felt. Several times that year, I went to the counselor because I was just so frustrated and tired. A couple times, I felt like I just wanted to disappear just so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I didn't want to hurt myself in any way but it certainly worried some of my friends when I told them that.  I thought I was happy but maybe I wasn't really.  Especially looking back on it now. Perhaps I did have some depression. I just know that during this time and continuing during 9th grade, I wrote a lot of poetry and felt so alone.

Then there's my anxiety. I guess I was a bit of a scaredy cat as a child.  I've never really been one that likes to go out of my comfort zone very much. I'm not even a thrill seeker. As it is, when I went to Disney World for the first time when I was 6, I was scared to go on many of the rides. When we went to the water park a few summers later, I was scared to go on the water rides. I still get anxiety over some things. When we went to Wet N' Wild last summer, I was anxious about going on some of the rides at first. I was more nervous than excited even though once I went on the ride, I was generally fine.

I guess my anxiety has been around longer than I think. It just sort of escalated to the point it is now.
My therapist agreed with me when I mentioned this to her. I thought my anxiety was a relatively new thing but perhaps not.  I wouldn't have thought about it.

I'm not saying any of this has anything to do with my mental health struggles now but perhaps they were early signs.  I'm sure there are many things that could have contributed to things being the way they are now.  Perhaps I was just more susceptible for one reason or another.

Mental health struggles don't always make sense. Mine certainly are more complicated than I originally thought.

Summer of Disappointment (and some fun)

I haven't written a post recently but I do have a couple that I started writing but just didn't finish. Some of that is due to reasons that I will soon explain but I hope to have those completed at some point in the near future.

I've been doing ok since my last post. Things have improved and I'm certainly feeling a lot happier than I was. However, it's hard to start truly feeling better when I still dealing with some of the same stress I have been dealing with since I graduated and moved back home.

This summer hasn't really been all that great for me. I'm still battling my depression and anxiety issues for one.  I'm still without a job despite applying at several places. I have done some fun things this summer despite but mostly I've felt like I've just disappointed my parents. At least that's how it seems.

My road to recovery hasn't been easy though. For starters, I've had to change my dosage of my antidepressant from my initial 50mg to 75mg and then to 100mg. At first it seemed as though 75mg was working but I kept having symptoms more than I should.  I think I've finally found the correct dosage as I'm starting to feel much happier and having less moments where my symptoms get in the way.  I'm glad about that although I still have moments. However, they aren't as frequent as they were.

Anyways, going back to the fun things I've done this summer. For starters, over memorial day weekend, I went to Scottsdale,AZ to stay with my brother and his family and to go to Phoenix Comic Con. This was my 3rd year going and I enjoy it so much.  I cosplayed as Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls, Ms. Frizzle, Clara Oswin from Doctor Who, and Minty Zaki, a racer from the Sugar Rush game from Wreck-it-Ralph.  It was a fun and exhausting weekend.

I also stayed for a little while after Con. Firstly, to recover from the weekend and second, to try and make attempts to find a job. I did apply for a couple of places like Bookman's and Build-A-Bear but they didn't have anything open at the time.

I brought my nephew back to New Mexico to stay for the summer and he was here for about 2 months. During that time we didn't do a whole lot as there really isn't a lot to do. I finally started getting my motivation back and started applying for a few more jobs but still not having much luck. My nephew and I played video games or watched some things on Netflix.  He mostly played games on the computer and he helped out at the library and went to Teen Cafe.

My nephew and I spent one weekend watching movies and playing video games while my parents were out-of-town.  That was a lot of fun. On the downside though, while my nephew was here, I was rarely left alone. He would keep coming into my bedroom and bother me.  He'd constantly want to show me things on the computer. I mean I love him but it got to be too much at times.

I still enjoyed having him here though. Once we went to El Paso to the Build-a-Bear store and I bought him a smallfry Flamingo and I bought myself a smallfry turtle and a pink kitty that I named Strawberry Fields.  We also saw several movies that came out while he was here. One of them being Monster's University. We both enjoyed the movie so much that we made hats.

For the 4th of July, we stayed here. We grilled some hot dogs and had some some sides. We had bought a few fireworks to set off and my nephew was in charge this year. We also watched the city fireworks and had our traditional S mores for dessert. Before I took him back home toward the end of July, we went to Wet n' Wild like we did last summer and had fun.

I took him back on July 26 and stayed with my brother and his family for 3 weeks.  Once again, I tried to find a job while I was there. Once again, I didn't have much luck. I applied for several places that weren't even in the library. Still no luck. Not to mention I got homesick and the stress caused my depression to worsen.

To make matters worse, I was without a laptop during the 3 weeks I was gone. Which is part of the reason I also haven't updated.  The day I arrived in Scottsdale, I had a project for the Adult Summer Reading Program that I needed to finish and I did. It was a Scavenger Hunt that I had to type up. I had helped put it together with another librarian and just needed to finish it up. I was able to finish it and send it off.

I was having some problems with my computer so I decided to shut it off and restart it. But when I did that, my computer wouldn't restart. One of the USB ports had broken and I don't know if that caused my computer to crash but whatever the reason, my computer just stopped working. It wouldn't even boot up. So I had to use my brother's computer in the meantime which also meant kicking my nephew off of it. I would also go to the public library and use their computers to apply for jobs.

I had my computer checked out twice to be sure it was broken. The first place I took my computer was near the ASU campus and they told me that my computer was completely dead. They said they couldn't even retrieve information from the hard drive. I would have fine without my files but the more I started thinking about them, the more I realized I had some pretty important files that I was afraid of losing. So I took my computer to Best Buy's Geek Squad for a second opinion. I was pretty sure my computer was dead but was still hoping they could at least recover the files. Luckily they were able to do so. They also confirmed my laptop was dead and recommended I purchase a new one.So I looked at some new ones.  I told the people exactly what I was looking for in a laptop and they were able to recommend one for me.

I was going to buy the laptop while I was there in Arizona but I decided not to. After talking with my parents, I decided to see if they could purchase the same laptop during Tax-free weekend in New Mexico. That way I could save some money. So that's what they did. I had sent them the information for the laptop and they were able to get the one that I wanted.

I finally had a laptop but I didn't have it with me until I got home. I was just getting extremely homesick and wanting to come back home. I wasn't having much luck finding a job and just was ready to come back for various reasons. I wanted my own room back and my own bed. I missed things being more organized. My dad wanted me to stay longer to see if I heard back but I just couldn't do it.

I stayed through my nephew's 15th birthday which was August 7. He also started high school that day. That weekend we celebrated his birthday with all of us as my brother had to work the evening of my nephew's birthday.  We went to a movie on my nephew's actual birthday and I took him out for frozen yogurt. On Saturday, we went to a Laser Tag place and then went to my nephew's favorite restaurant, Famous Dave's BBQ.

I came home on that Monday afterwards. I had only had one possibility for a job out of all the ones I'd applied for while there. It was for a job at the Harkin's movie theater. But they hadn't contacted me regarding a job yet so I just came home.

I was anxious to come home but not at the same time because I felt I had failed. I felt like I disappointed my parent's. I'd left without a job and was returning without a job. I knew I was coming back to the stress and pressure from them wanting me to find a job. But I couldn't stay with my brother any longer. I wanted my bed and comforts of home.

So I came back. I also wanted to come home and set up my new laptop. I was tired of using someone else's computer. It's just not the same when it's not your own. I was so glad to be home and to have space and privacy again.

It was nice to have my own computer again. I got home and set it up soon after I had finished unpacking.  I love my new computer and was getting used to it. I even named it "Gipsy Danger" (One of the Jager's from Pacific Rim). Everything seemed to be going fine. I redownloaded a few programs and installed my new Office. I was getting things back to normal. Then last Saturday, my laptop wouldn't turn on. It had worked fine the night before when I shut it down. I hadn't even had the laptop turned on for a week yet. So we took a trip to Las Cruces to the Best Buy store to see what was wrong.

Turns out that my laptop was defective and they had to order a replacement for me. Apparently my laptop is popular and they were sold out both at the store and in El Paso.  My new laptop was set to arrive yesterday (Thursday). So once again I was without a laptop until then. I just seem to be having bad luck with laptops lately!

I was even planning to write a blog post that Saturday when I went to turn it on but obviously I couldn't do that. At least this time I had a computer that I could use without having to kick someone off every time. I'm so glad to have my own computer again though. So far everything seems to be going fine with this one and I hope it stays that way.

It takes a bit of the stress out of my life. I felt so lost without having a laptop.  I was already dealing with enough as it is. This just added to things.   Now I can start feeling a bit better.

Just being home has seemed to have done wonders for my mood too. At least right now. This week just seems to be much better. I seem happier.  My situation hasn't changed much but I'm feeling ok about it right now. Then again I also have a bit of a distraction at the moment.

On Sunday August 18th, I got Disney Infinity for the Wii!! I had pre-ordered the game earlier this summer. I was so excited! It's Disney which I love!! The Starter set comes with Sulley, Captain Jack, and Mr. Incredible. Because I had preordered at GameStop, I received an additional figurine for free. I chose Mike from Monster's University. Now that I think about it though, I probably should have gone for Violet from The Incredibles and waited to buy Mike with the Sidekicks pack since now I want to get the others from the set. I also got a blind pack of Power Discs and I was lucky to get the power discs from Sugar Rush for both the sky and the textures in the Toy Box. I've been busy playing the game since I got it on Sunday. Well, playing the play sets for them. Since I didn't have a laptop for the past few days after I got the game, I had the game to keep me occupied.

It's also keeping my mind off things. Although it's also a bit problematic in that sense. I'd much rather be doing other things like playing my game instead of doing job search stuff. But it has relieved some of the stress. I'm just such a big Disney fan in the first place and this game just takes me into that world. It's a well-needed distraction. So with the combination of the video game, the comforts of being back home again, a new laptop, and the feeling as though my antidepressant is finally working; it's felt like it's been a relatively good week for me.

One of the things I failed to mention was that while I was gone, it was hard for me to deal with things as I didn't have my therapist to talk to. I was gone for 3 weeks and I was under some emotional stress during that time trying to deal with everything. It felt as though my depression and anxiety worsened while I was in Arizona. I felt like things had taken a step backwards; almost like things were like before.  I felt like my coping techniques just weren't working as well. A couple of times, I seriously wished I had my therapist to talk to. I mean, I probably could have called her but as I was out of state, I felt it wouldn't have been as helpful. It got to the point where I actually considered going to a Behavioral Health Hospital and going to their Psychiatric Emergencies Center just to see if they could help me get out of my head and just let me talk to someone. I just needed to talk to someone about everything I was dealing with.

I'm glad to be home though and glad to be seeing my therapist again. I didn't even wait very long to make an appointment when I got back. I returned on Monday and I called and got an appointment for that Thursday. It just felt so nice to get things off my mind.  I felt so much better afterwards.  I just felt a sense of relief as I'd been feeling quite worked up for the last couple weeks.  I think that's also helping me to feel better.

I'm hopeful things will start turning around for me soon. I'm hopeful I'll find a job soon. I need to find one soon so that I can truly start feeling better. Right now, that's hard to do. It's so hard to not keep getting discouraged. I feel like giving up. I'm just so done with it all. The more they push, the less motivated I seem to be. I'm just so frustrated with everything.  I feel like I can't win as I'm either over or under qualified for things I apply for that aren't library related. I just want someone to give me a chance to prove myself.

It's just so hard.

One final thing that I did this summer is that last weekend was the county fair. So there's that. My parent's and I go on Friday night in the early evening before it gets too crowded. We have our normal corn on the cob and stuffed sopapillas and funnel cake. We play a few rounds of bingo and then we walk around. I don't ride any rides anymore because I can't (I get motion sickness). But I enjoy watching other people on the rides. The only ride I will ride anymore is the Ferris Wheel but even that I haven't done in awhile just because I haven't. But still, it's just nice to go to the fair.

So pretty much my summer has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Mostly downs though it seems. I'm not looking forward to the months ahead either. I'm just not very enthusiastic or hopeful for things to come because so far nothing has changed much.

Things need to change and soon. I hope they do for my sake. I don't know how much longer I can handle all this.

But overall, I am doing ok. I'm still fighting despite it all and that's really the most important thing.