Pressure

That's the best word to sum up about what seems to be half of my problems lately.

Just way too much pressure on me right now. People putting too much pressure on me and really I guess me putting a bit of pressure on myself.

I don't get it though. I'm no longer have school or classes to worry about.  Graduation is over. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel all this pressure. Then again, maybe I should.

It's two days until Christmas and I'm home with my entire family. Nothing should be bothering me. I should be feeling happy and festive but I don't exactly. I feel a bit like this song "Where are you Christmas"? by Faith Hill currently applies. I don't exactly feel as Christmasy as I usually would. Still though, I should be fine. I should be happy and relaxed.

Yet for some reason, I'm still having feelings of anxiety. I'm still occasionally feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears over nothing.

Basically I'm experiencing some of the same fears I was back in Denton. I'm once again, dealing with some of the same fears I was confronting back in therapy. Of course being that I've been going on 2 weeks without therapy, I guess that would make sense.

I just mean that without having someone to talk about such issues with on a weekly basis will be difficult for the time being until I manage to find another therapist.

I know I need to and I want to. My therapist told me I should continue. My friend from Denton, when I talked to her last week, told me that I should continue.  Even when I had a bit of a breakdown last night, my sister-in-law asked if I'd talked to someone about my feelings of anxiety.

Basically, people can tell I need to continue with therapy/counseling. They seem to realize that it's something that I really need right now.

But I don't know right now. I know I NEED to continue. That's really not the problem. The problem is that right now is just so uncertain (which is also part of my problems) with what's going to happen in the near future.With me not sure where I will eventually end up in terms of a job. I'm not sure how soon I'll even be able to find a job. 

I don't really know if it'll even be worth it finding a therapist right now or waiting until I eventually get settled somewhere. I technically don't have one anymore. I mean, unless I somehow end up be able to stay in Denton for a little while longer but even that is uncertain how long I'd stay there.

I had one here that I saw for a few sessions back in January before I went back to Denton. However, I'm not sure if I really liked her. She was helpful but comparing her to the therapists I've had back in Denton, I didn't like her nearly as much. I don't really feel like I'd want to go back to here. Which means, I don't have much other options here in a small town. Really there's not a lot of option back here in my hometown. Not for any good therapists.

There's also the issue of having to start over not just once but twice. If I did find someone here, I'd have to explain everything again and then I may not be here long enough before moving and having to start over yet again. I just don't know if I'd be able to handle that. I don't want to have to do that. Which is why I'm thinking I'd rather wait for now. Just for some time.

I know it's not the best thing and that I really should be actively seeking for someone. Especially with everything going on lately and with how I've been feeling. However, at least for now this seems like the best option. Especially considering all my files from the clinics that would need to be sent. This would just be one more that I'd have to add to my list.

Ok, so I've spent most of blog post talking about things I've already talked about before. Things that really are only parts of what I really wanted to discuss and not actually what I wanted to discuss.

Ever since I got home, people have been congratulating me on my Master's degree and asking me if I've found a job yet. I am proud of what I've accomplished. I am. But at the same time all these people being proud of me, makes me feel a bit pressured. Like they expect me to do great things with my Master's degree.

Then there's the fact that all these people are talking to me about jobs. I'm tired of hearing about this. Hearing about how I should be keeping my options open more. How I should consider possibly putting my Elementary Education degree to use. Teaching in a school in the meantime while looking at library positions. That I shouldn't focus so much on a public library and youth services.  That I'm basically limiting my possible job options.

It's all just too much for me. Too much for me to handle. Too much pressure!
I'm tired of people congratulating me because it feels as though they expect me to do great things with my new degree. I'm glad they are proud of me and everything but now it feels that I have expectations to live up to.

Which is one reason I'm not intending on applying for the Reference Librarian position that is available here at my hometown public library.  First of all, I don't really want the position in the first place. Second, I've already worked for the city once before and it's not exactly ideal. Not here at least.  But mainly, I don't want to apply for a postion in a place where I'm already known by the staff.

Sure that might seem like a good thing but I don't see it as being very positive. I see it being more of a detriment.   Sure I might have a good shot of landing the position should I apply but it would be adding pressure to me. I worked there once before. The staff know me and many know my work ethic. I was a hard worker but I admit I make some mistakes and some were pretty major. I also wasn't the best worker or at least I wouldn't claim that. I slacked off at times.  I'd be going in with high expectations from people already and having to try and live up to that would just be too much for me to handle.

I'd feel like I'd have to be "perfect" and be afraid to fail. Even though I would be new at this type of position and they'd know I wouldn't be perfect. I'd be afraid to let them down. Just because they knew me already, I'd feel like the expectations would be different.

I'd rather start fresh somewhere. Where hardly anyone knew me or my work ethic. Not that I'm a bad worker or anything. Still though, I just feel like it would be easier to start somewhere where I wasn't already known for that long. 

If any of that makes sense.

It's just the pressure that's been getting to me lately. That and my fear of not being able to find the right job and essentially "growing up".  Not to mention my "perfectionist" nature. There's just a lot going on with me. A lot of fears and anxiety for me to handle. Yet somehow, I'm trying to handle it.

I know everything will work out in the end. I still don't see how though but I have to trust that it will.

Still though, I wish I didn't have all this pressure to deal with.