Therapy/Counseling Talk

My mind has been thinking a lot this week. Most of it is things I've already mentioned previously. Also a lot of what's been on my mind is preparing  myself for telling my therapist something on Wednesday.

Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes.  There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.

This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.

So like I've already said,  in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.

After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic.  They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records.  According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday.  He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.

Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.

Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.

I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.

I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week.   After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.

However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week  and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that.  I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.

I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.

I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there  anymore.

The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.

The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then.  I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.

Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over.  I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it  almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent.  After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.

I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions.  Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression?  It's just something I'm curious about.

With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester.  Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?

I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.

It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy.  Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.

My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.