First counseling session: thoughts

My previous post got me thinking about my very first counseling session at Oklahoma State. I didn't blog about it or even write about it as far as I can tell. I honestly thought I wrote about my first session somewhere but I can't find it if I did.

However, I did at least make note of when my first session was in a planner. I found the planner I kept during my Senior year as an Undergrad and sure enough, it was noted in my planner.

I said how it was a nervous breakdown that led me to seek counseling in the first place. I just had a breakdown after class one day and it was so bad that I started hyperventalating. I got light-headed and a little bit dizzy.

I honestly think it was the coursework that got to me. It was terrible. I was already warned something like this could happen. I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did.  Soon after my own nervous breakdown I saw another of my classmates who looked like she'd had a nervous breakdown too.

It frightened me. It really did. I should have gone to the Counseling Center during my breakdown, I really should have but I didn't think about it until afterwards.

Still though it scared me and I was concerned that it could happen again. That it would only get worse as the semester went on. I didn't want it to happen again so I sought counseling. I knew it was probably the only way I'd make it through the rest of the semester. I knew I needed help and since I had no family around there to help me, this was the best option.

According to my planner. My first session took place at 1:00PM on Friday September 25, 2009. I'm pretty sure this was my intake session. I don't remember much except being extremely nervous. This was the first time I'd really ever sought counseling. It was scary for me but I also remember feeling a bit hopeful. I remember feeling like I could be helped.

I knew I had to do this though. I knew I needed help. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own. The nervous breakdown was proof of that.

I remember showing up early and filling out paperwork and then waiting. I remember a graduate student came and got me and took me back to a room where we sat in some computer-type chairs. I remember her asking me a bunch of questions and me answering them. I know she asked me "why I'd sought counseling" and telling her about my nervous breakdown. I remember getting very emotional and breaking down in tears telling her some information. She took a lot of notes and wrote a lot of information down on a notepad. 

That's really all I can remember about the Intake session there at Oklahoma State. It was very similiar to the intake session here at the Psychology Clinic. Another grad student took me back to one of the rooms,asked me a bunch of questions which I answered, and took a lot of notes.

I remember the Counseling Center calling me later after the intake session and telling me the name of my counselor and setting up a time for me to begin my first session. I think my counselor's name was Chris and my sessions were on Fridays at 1PM. That was the only day I was free since the rest of the week, I was busy with my Elementary Education classes.

I don't remember much else about my sessions there other than I went almost every Friday until at least November 13, 2009. I was in counseling for about 7 out of my 12 session max.

I got emotional during my sessions then too so it's nothing new.

I know we talked about a lot of things both academic and non-academic. I'm certain that some of the same stuff discussed is being discussed again in my sessions. So basically many of my problems now, have been ongoing for quite some time.

I remember that my counselor got me back to a place where I'd at least be ok handling things on my own for awhile. I also remember being a bit nervous about leaving but they seemed to have done all they could do to help me for the time being. I know they asked me up front if I thought that I no longer needed them and I remember saying that I think I'd be ok to stop seeing them. I knew there were things we could still discuss but I remember feeling like I'd be ok to stop counseling for the time.

They did say that if I needed to come back, I could but I never did. I was somehow able to go without them. I'm not entirely sure how but I was. Things were certainly better after I started going to counseling although not perfect. Even after I stopped going, things were still a bit of a challenge but somehow I managed.

I thought perhaps I might go back during the Spring 2010 semester but I never did and quite honestly I didn't have the time with Student Teaching going on.  I had some struggles then too but again, somehow I survived.

In fact it seems like I've managed to survive for so long. Even before I first sought counseling, I had struggles. Yet here I am still standing strong.  Still fighting.

It makes me think of lyrics from the Elton John song "I'm still standing"

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time

Somehow I haven't given up and have continued to keep fighting despite everything.  I mentioned how my therapist last semester said that I inspired her.I guess this is why. She was inspired by how even after everything I've been through, I'm still fighting.

She also mentioned during one of my sessions how through everything she can hear that I'm a fighter and that I haven't given up. Even when I've felt like giving up somehow I haven't. I'm still fighting.

I still have hope and I guess that's why I'm in therapy. Because I still have hope that things will get better for me.