Silence and Childhood

I've discovered recently that I've developed a sort of silence talking about some things. Mostly when talking about job hunting and such.

I'd rather not think about them; talk about them.

Particularly when talking to my parents. I've become silent. I don't talk about it much with them instead remaining silent.

I don't really know why this is.I have fears. I've said this already but what I'm exactly afraid of, I'm not sure.

I feel like I can't talk to my parents anymore because I feel like they don't understand what's really going on with me. They really don't understand what's going on.  They think that whatever I'm dealing with that I can simply  "get over". My problems are much more complicated then they realize or will ever know.

I think I've basically stopped trusting them. I love them and I know they are only concerned about me. They want to help but sometimes I feel like their helping is only making things worse.

I think the other reason I chose to remain silent is because honestly I don't know what to say to make the situation better. I don't know what to say because I really don't know what's going on with myself. I don't know what to say.

I feel like I'd rather be silent because it allows me to avoid the subject. It keeps me from having to talk about something that makes me unhappy or uncomfortable.

I know I should talk but honestly, I feel like I can only talk to certain people about the things I'm dealing with. I'd much rather talk to my friends or a counselor because I feel like they have a much better understanding. Especially my therapists. They get things that even  I don't. 

Maybe part of me also blames my parents for some of my problems and that's why I'd rather be silent around them? It's a possibility.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past and how things have contributed to my problems now.

I've especially been thinking about my childhood and honestly I can't see where the breaking point was.

I had a happy childhood as far as I can remember. Sure I had struggles but then again, what child hasn't?

Sure I was a bit of a troublemaker. I'll admit. I got in trouble at school and didn't always learn my lesson the first time. I did get in school suspension a few times in Elementary school but generally I was a good kid. Teachers remember me even now as being one of the smart kids in school. They remember me as being a generally good child. I wasn't one to cause trouble all the time.

I remember one time getting in trouble for shoving a girl. I think I was just angry because she had said something to me. That and I remember feeling jealous toward her. She was the "good" child. The teacher's all liked her and she was smarter than me; got all A's. I remember being jealous of her for those reason.  I certainly remember getting in trouble a few times because I would react to people picking on me; making fun of me.  I basically lashed out at people once it got to be too much. Most of those times were at the Recreation Center though.

But really, I wasn't a bad child at all. I wasn't a problem student.I didn't cause a lot of problems in the classroom.

I dealt with teasing and I know I was often too hard on myself to do well in school for reasons that I'm not even sure of.  I had trouble making friends and trusting my friends. I was far often too unhappy with this. I was left out of things and just basically had some struggles as a child.

But despite everything, my childhood was mostly happy. I was a happy child or as happy as I could be. I mean, I considered myself to be a happy child.  I considered myself to be a happy person.

I've said how unlike some of my friends, I didn't exactly have things in my childhood that would've sent me to therapy back then. Well, at least nothing that I'd admit to or consider. I mean obviously now, I realize that I've been dealing with some things for some time now and I have admitted to seeking counseling back in Middle school.

But really, thinking about my childhood, I would not have thought I would be someone that ended up in therapy. I would never have thought about me now being someone who doesn't feel so happy anymore. Who is dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression. Who essentially feels lost and is dealing with a lot of uncertainty.

So I guess what I'm wondering is how someone who was such a happy person could become someone who is now struggling.  How someone who really didn't have a specific reason to end up in therapy did end up in therapy.

I mean I know what led me to seeking therapy in the first place; the very first time I sought therapy and the times after. I don't regret it. I wouldn't change seeking it out in the first place. In fact, if I think about it, perhaps I wouldn't have waited nearly as long.

Throughout my therapy sessions, my therapists and I have explored things from my childhood. We've tried to pinpoint when some of my problems really began; tried to find causes and honestly there hasn't been much. I had a loving family. My parents weren't perfect but they raised me the best they knew how and honestly they were wonderful. They are wonderful parents.

Basically there isn't a lot to explain my problems now. Nothing that I can think of. There are a bunch of little things but things I wouldn't necessarily think about causing problems.  But perhaps those little things kept building up.

I mean I'm sure that  some of the things my parent's said and did  probably caused some of my problems even though I didn't realize it until I began going to therapy sessions. I mean I'm realizing that perhaps they have more to do with my problems then I originally thought.

 I guess my point is that even people who seem happy can have mental health issues. I mean, I look at myself as a child and think how happy I was. I sometimes wonder if things began to fall apart long before I sought therapy.

I have so much going on still like I've mentioned before. Things haven't gotten better and I'm not sure how long it'll be before they get better.

I still feel like things aren't any better than they were. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'm becoming silent and seem sad more often. All because I'm struggling.