New year, Same fears and problems

It's the first month of the year. The first few days of the new year and already some of my old fears and anxieties have returned.

Actually I'm not even entirely sure they ever really went away. Sure they were getting better in therapy but now that I'm no longer going, I feel like they've started getting worse. 

I feel like I'm going backwards. In fact, I almost feel like instead of being borderline for depression, I've gone over that line. I feel like I have depression even if it's just mild.

I'm not interested in some things anymore. My sleep patterns are weird. I'm either tired but can't seem to sleep or else I fall asleep but then wake up hours later and am just wide awake.  I'm sad more often and feel like breaking down in tears, all without a specific reason. This isn't something that has been happening only recently. In fact it's been happening for a little while now. I'm not sure how long but certainly the last few sessions. Certainly the sleep troubles were occurring for some time before that.

I don't really understand what's going on with me. I honestly feel that my mind is messed up. Like this is something I can't simply "get over". I don't have any other explanation for what's going on with me. I have nothing else to explain why I'm so sad lately.  Why I'm feeling this way. I keep coming back to depression.

Again though I haven't been officially diagnosed by anyone as far as I know. I've said it so much but I'll continue saying it. All this is speculative and I know it's wrong to self-diagnose. But I feel like I have some evidence to support my self-diagnoses. But until I know for sure, I'm still being reserved about it.

Perhaps my therapists could see this happening to me. Perhaps they sensed I could go into a depression. I know that my last therapist kept asking me about things that could diagnose me as such. I could tell she was genuinely concerned. Again perhaps they had already diagnosed me as having depression but just didn't inform me.

I really wish I could be in therapy right now. I know I need it. In fact I feel like I need it so much more right now. I miss my therapists more than ever. There are times where I think about them and wish I could just talk to them. I think about what advice they could give me; what they would say to make things "better" for me. I honestly miss them.

I know I should be in therapy right now; that I should be continuing with it. Especially now but unfortunately, it's just not possible right now. I've said how I don't want to start and then have to start over again wherever I eventually end up. I don't want to go back to the therapist I previously had here either. I just didn't feel like she and I "connected" that well. I mean she helped and she was great but after this last year at the clinic, with the therapists I've had at the Psychology Clinic, I realize what I need and unfortunately this therapist/counselor doesn't meet that for me.

For now I'm without a therapist and it's probably not the best idea but I don't exactly have a choice. If anything I have some friends to reach out to now (one being a psychology major) and that's been somewhat helpful.  Depending on things, I may or may not return to therapy soon. It may wait until I get settled in a new place or it may not. I feel it also depends on me and how I feel. If I feel like I can manage for the time being or not. Right now I'm coping the best I can even if it's been difficult.

I'm still dealing with feelings of anxiety as well and feelings of uncertainty. I still don't always know what's going on with me.

I still have fears of not being "good enough". I still have fears about whether this is really what I'm meant to do in my life.

I just want this year to be better for me. So far it hasn't seemed that way. It seems that I'm still struggling with things. Things that won't be solved all that easily. Things that won't simply be fixed by me finding a job and getting my career started.

I just want this year to be a year where I return to a sense of "normality" and happiness. Is that really so much to ask?