Take a look through my eyes

The title of today's blog post is a lyric taken from a song by Phil Collin's from the Disney movie Brother Bear. The song is called "Look Through My Eyes". I felt like it was an appropriate lyric for what I plan to talk about.

I wish people could just take a look through my eyes sometimes and see how things look from my point of view. Essentially see what I'm dealing with because then maybe they'd understand. Maybe they would realize how much I'm struggling with things. Realize just how much I'm hurting and how much I'm hiding just how much I'm hurting; why I'm hiding it.

But that's not really what I'm wanting to talk about today. I've talked enough about my mental health issues so much that it's just become repetitious. I feel like I'm coming off as annoying to people now. That people are just sick and tired of me talking about my problems. That they've lost interest essentially.

What I really wanted to talk about was just a general trend I've seen with my writing.  I've pointed out how ever since I started going to therapy, my number of posts have increased. Basically, ever since I started really struggling the number has increased. I write more because I feel I have to. I need some sort of outlet and for me writing has been that.

I use this blog mostly for my long blog posts but I also have a writing Tumblr; a Tumblr where I post nothing but my various writing whether it's poetry or short blogs or rants. 

Last night I was going through some of my text posts on that blog and I noticed a sort of pattern. Basically I just stepped back and really looked at them.  I essentially had an out-of-body experience.

Looking at all my posts just really put it into perspective for me just how difficult this past year was for me. Just how much I'm really struggling. It scared me a bit because it made me realize just unhappy I've been. Just how much my life seems to have gone downhill.

I started the Tumblr for the reason that I needed another place to get my thoughts down. Thoughts that were sometimes too short for a regular blog posts and also to cut down on how much I used Twitter for my rants.

I know I've been struggling for awhile. It's not hard to see.  Why else would I have been in therapy at the Psychology Clinic for at least a year and a half?

But last night I guess was really the first time in a while that I took a step back and saw things in a different light.

I've truly been unhappy for a long time. I've been really struggling with things. I have a lot of proof of this. Just look at my writings here and on that Tumblr and you'll see it clear as anything.

Honestly looking at all my posts, I almost couldn't recognize myself. It felt like I was looking through the eyes of someone else thinking "Wow this person is really hurting". I almost couldn't believe this was all me. I basically didn't recognize it as myself.  I didn't realize just how bad things truly were for me; had gotten.

I felt like I was reading the writing of a person whose life has slowly declined; a person whose life has slowly spiraled out of control.

It's hard to believe that this is me who wrote this. It's my life that I'm talking about. I don't recognize myself anymore.

I've said this before here and on my Tumblr, but I really wish I could just show my writing Tumblr and my blog to my therapist because I feel like they would understand things  a lot better. I feel like it's more "me" than I am if that makes any sense.

I guess I just feel like it shows more of who I really am than what I tell them. I'm honest with my therapists. I try to be as honest as possible.  I trust them so much.

Yet when it comes down to it, I'm honestly a lot better expressing myself when it comes to writing and not so much when expressing myself verbally. I struggle to find the right words to describe things when speaking but seem to be able to find them when writing.

I just wish they could take a look through my eyes. Read what I've said because I know it would give them much better insight to my problems then I ever could. My writing says so much more about me. It's not because I don't feel they understand me because they do. Sometimes I think they understand me more than even I do. They see things that perhaps even I don't yet see.

Just take a look through my eyes
Everything changes
You'll be amazed what you'll find
If you look through my eyes

If only people could see what I see, then perhaps they'd really understand.