The Future

I know it's silly and stupid but sometimes I have moments where yes, I actually worry about the future.

I worry about things to come. Maybe it's partly because I have anxiety issues but who knows.

Look, I worry. I worry about my future and what it will be like.

I worry that I may never find the right guy. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone to fall in love with. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even worthy of finding love.

I mean, I'm not someone who typically cares a lot about how she looks but at the same time, I can't deny that sometimes I'm not pleased with how I look. Who doesn't worry about how they look sometimes? Really?

I'm not the prettiest girl out there. I'm a nerdy girl and I'm not ashamed of that but still. Sometimes I wonder what guy would ever like me. Take some of my friends for example; some of the friends  I had growing up in middle school and such. Several of those friends are now married or in relationships. Some of them even have kids!

Then I look at myself and while I'm mostly proud of who I am and my accomplishments, I can't help but feel a little bit bitter toward them.

I've said in previous posts how I've never really been in love. Never even really been on a date. Never even been kissed (although that's a little complicated for me).

I've had crushes and such but otherwise, I've never had a boyfriend.  Sure at dances, I danced a few slow dance songs with guys but they were friends. Sometimes yes, I had some crushes on those guys, but their friendship was really all that mattered to me. 

In a way the whole "never been on a date thing" isn't exactly true. I have been on a date before but I don't actually call it a date because it wasn't exactly one to me. I didn't really like the guy in that way and really, I saw it more as just 2 friends hanging out.

I met the guy during the summer back when I was entering 8th grade. We were both volunteers at the library during the Summer Reading Program. He was a nice guy and everything but I didn't really like him that way. But apparently he liked me. He called me up and asked me to go with him to the county fair and we did. We had fun but I didn't really see it as being much of a date. I told him afterwards that I just wasn't that interested in a relationship.

I've just never really been that interested in a relationship and to be honest, I'm still not exactly interested. I just don't really see myself as being someone guys would fall in love with.

Then there is the fact that I'm a bit nervous now when it comes to guys. I mean more than usual. Ever since the Incident happened with my neighbor, I feel like I've been more nervous. I just don't want something like that to happen again. Almost any guy makes me nervous now. I've essentially been scarred. I'm concerned that even if I find a guy, that what happened will have an impact on our relationship.

Sometimes I even wonder if I want to be married. I mean I feel like I'd want to but then sometimes I think I could be happy being single.  It's complicated.

In addition to worrying if I'll ever find the right guy, I sometimes wonder if I want kids. I've said this in previous blog posts too. I still don't know. I know it sounds weird that someone who is going to be a Children's librarian wouldn't want kids of their own but what if? I mean I love children but sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to handle children of my own.

Then there's the thoughts I get about my parents.  How I'll handle when it's their time to leave this world.  I know it'll happen and sometimes I worry about how I'll react.

I mean, I guess the real fear I have regarding the future lays in the fact that I'm just simply afraid to grow up. I'm not ready to grow up and be an adult.  Because being an adult is just too difficult and scary.

I know the future hasn't happened and there's no way of knowing what it'll bring me. I realize there's no point in worrying but yet sometimes I get these thoughts and can't seem to stop them.

The future can be scary. I can't be afraid to face it head on though.

I just don't know how to do that yet.