An epiphany

It feels as though the only thing I've been talking about recently here is about therapy and counseling.  Various thoughts surrounding it and everything.

I'm sure people are tired of hearing things about it but this it what has been on my mind recently. This is how I'm trying to make sense of everything.  I realize it's repetitive but welcome to my mind. This is how it is.

Last night, I was thinking about therapy again when a memory of something popped in my mind; an epiphany of sorts.

I've mentioned how I'm afraid of failing and how I put extra pressure on myself to do well at things. I mentioned how I thought it could have something to do with classmates/friends calling me "stupid" as a child and how maybe that affected me subconsciously.

I haven't been able to pinpoint a time in my life when I was called "stupid" by others.

I'm sure I must have been called that at some other points but I couldn't think of a specific time.
Or at least I couldn't really think of a time until last night.

Last night, for some reason, a memory came to me; an unpleasant memory. A memory I  hadn't even remembered until now. Just a memory that popped into my mind out of nowhere.

I mentioned how I used to go the Recreation Center after school for their after-school program. I've mentioned how much I hated going there; how no one there seemed to like me. How I was teased and picked on. How the only friends I really had were also considered "outsiders".

I really don't have a lot of pleasant memories from my time at the Recreation Center. Even now, I really don't like going to the Center for any reason. Too many bad memories for me.

This was a memory from when I was going there after school.

I was in Elementary School at the time; 3rd and 4th grade.  After school,  I remember the Recreation Center van would pick us program kids up in front of the school and take us to the center. I remember one day sitting in the back of one of the Vans that picked us up. It was report card day. I remember a couple of the kids that normally picked on me, bragging about their grades. How they'd gotten all A's; all 100's. I remember them asking me about my grades. Now that I think about it, they probably only asked me to spite me. They just wanted another reason to pick on me.

For some reason, I must have told them. I don't even know why I did.  I guess I felt weak against them; that they had more power over me. I guess I was just afraid of them at the time. I remember telling them my grades; which in my opinion weren't bad at all. I remember them being A's and B's.  But they made fun of me about my grades. I think I remember one of them saying something about how one of the subjects was so easy, how could I get the grade I did (I think it was commenting on a subject I got a "B" in).

This seems to be a bit of an epiphany moment for me.  Perhaps this is the answer I've been searching for? Perhaps this is why I try so hard. I don't even remember if after this happened, is when I started pushing myself more to do so well. All I know is that if I'm searching for a specific reason I'm afraid of failing and being called "stupid", this could likely be it.  Maybe.

I don't necessarily remember if my attitude about school and grades changed after this. If it did, I certainly don't remember or even think I noticed.

The only thing I ever remember is that I liked to learn and tried to do my best. I did well because I just seemed to want to do well.  Even before this memory, I think I just tried to do well in school. Before this memory,  I still remember struggling with some subjects and feeling like others were understanding things I wasn't.

Still though, I know that this memory probably had an impact on me and I'm now dealing with some of the effects.

I know that my memories of the Recreation Center are just horrible. Now that I think about it, perhaps I was traumatized because of everything that happened to me there.  I'm talking about constantly being left out and picked on by the others. How it seemed from the first day I went there, I was judged to be "different".

I really don't have a lot of happy memories of that place. I went After-school and during the Summer Day Camp program. It was still horrible even during the summer. I really didn't make a lot of friends there. It really wasn't a happy place for me and even now, I don't really like going because of all the bad memories.

I feel like this memory gives more insight into why things are the way they are. Why I just now thought about it, I don't really know.

 I can't be certain if this is even a reason that I'm currently struggling. In other words, I can't really be certain that it's exactly because of this memory. I just know that it has had some sort of impact on me now.

Now I have something else to mention to my therapist at my next session. It seems like more and more pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together.