I just have a lot of things on my mind.A lot of random things that don't really have a connection. I figured I'd write a blog post and sort of combine everything into one post.
As it gets closer to me graduating with my Master's and thus essentially ending my schooling, I can't help but think about my life as college student and what it's been like. I'm not a great college student. I don't really consider myself to be the ideal college student. I'm not talking about not doing well or anything like that. What I'm referring to is the fact that I didn't read the assigned readings half the time for anything. I often waited until the last minute to do assignments. There was a couple of times, I failed to turn in any assignments or turned in only half-done assignments. Admittedly there were a couple times that I didn't go to class as an undergrad student (I overslept). I realize I'm not unusual in terms of a college student. That many others have done the same things I've done. I guess the point is that I'm far from being the ideal college student. I'm not the "perfect" idea of what a college student really is. I've worked hard to get where I am in terms of my accomplishments don't get me wrong but in comparison to others, I probably have taken a bit of the easy way out. But I still got thru. I still managed to pass everything and get to the point I am. I'm just saying that I'm not the ideal college student. I don't see myself as being one.
I've been extremely stressed about applying for these two librarian job positions in San Antonio.They sound almost too good to be true and I'm getting my hopes up. I mean the fact that there are (at least) two positions that are exactly what I'm looking for and in one of my ideal locales, just makes it seem almost too perfect. I'm hoping that maybe I'm just this lucky and will possibly get one of these positions. But it just seems like it's all happening way too fast. Everything is happening too fast for me to keep up. It's just stressing me out. This is my first real big job and I just want everything to go well. Yet the thought that I might actually get one of the positions is scary too because I just don't feel ready. It's complicated because while I can see myself as being a librarian, I also can't. Still though, I want to do well and if everything does go well, this could be a good thing for me.
I mentioned in a previous blog post how we got to talking about my parents in therapy this week. I have to admit that my dad was a bit disappointed over the fact that neither me nor my brother had interest in sports. My brother and I were interested in the arts. My brother was into theater and I was into music. Even my nephew isn't into anything sports. He like art and video games. None of us are athletic like my dad was. My dad was into sports as a child and he was a Physical Education teacher. I know he wanted my brother and I to be interested in sports too but neither of us ever were.
My brother tried different sports like soccer when he was a child. The only sport I ever really tried was gymnastics and I wasn't very good. I know it took my dad time to get used to the fact that neither his kids nor his only grandson were interested in sports and sometimes I think it still bothers him. Perhaps this is where I get my idea of disappointment. I don't think so though. Even if that's partly the case, I don't blame my dad for any of it.
There's also the fact that because I've never been athletic, I'm not exactly skinny. But at the same time I'm not extremely overweight either. I consider myself to be average body type. It's never really bothered me that much but it has been pointed out to me several times by my father. I'm actually surprised it hasn't bothered me more than it has. It has bothered me though and there have been times I've felt hurt about it. Still though, I'm really surprised that I'm not stressing over it as much as would be expected. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I could lose a few pounds but I'm not exactly stressing over it. As it is, I don't eat a lot of bad food to begin with and I've been trying to cook more and avoid eating a lot of TV dinners. I don't exactly exercise much but I have tried to be a little more active. I walk and I dance. I'm so far doing ok in terms of my health. As for my weight, so far my doctors haven't said anything about it and really as far as I can tell, I don't seem fluctuate very much. My weight seems to have stayed about the same for some time. In other words, I'm pretty ok with how I am right now.
I really miss music. I miss singing in the church choir and playing my piano. That music. I don't really know why I haven't played my piano recently. I just haven't. It's not like I don't have time because I do. I just haven't played for some reason. Perhaps I just miss the motivation I used to have when I was taking lessons. I had to practice every day for the next weeks lesson. Now I don't have that. I think that's why I don't have the motivation. Nothing is motivating me. Yet you'd think that without the motivation, I would also be more excited to be playing. But I'm not.
Then there's the fact that I miss singing in my church choir. Actually I just miss singing in a choir in general. I could join the church choir here but I really don't feel like it. I really haven't felt like singing in church in general. I guess I'm just missing my old church in Stillwater. I just haven't felt like I'm part of the church here. I haven't felt the connection here. I haven't found my place. I don't know where to find it either since as I've said, the church doesn't have a lot of young people.
I just get a lot of thoughts on my mind. Especially lately. Just needed to get them off my mind. Thanks for reading a random post.
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