Decisions

Another therapy session where much was discussed. If your wondering, I'm in psychotherapy to be specific. I found that information out fairly recently.

This week we talked about a lot of things. I told her that I was tired. Tired and stressed out. I've been stressed out almost nonstop since the ultimatum was set and I had to begin applying for jobs. Too much going on. Everything is just happening way too fast for me. Everyone is putting pressure on me. So much that I'd rather give up just to not have to deal with it anymore. There's just so much going on with me emotionally and mentally. It's just hard to know where to begin sometimes.
Then there's the fear I'm dealing with about not knowing what's happening after December. As it stands, December is it for me. I can't see past December. I don't know anything about after December and it scares me.  The uncertainly frightens me. My future right now looks cloudy.

On the plus side, I at least managed to keep my emotions during my session more in check this week. I felt like I didn't break down nearly as much. I still cried but it wasn't like it has been previously. I teared up but was able to keep myself calmer. Keep myself together more.

Basically, a lot was discussed today. At one point my therapist could just feel how frustrated and pressured I've been lately.  She  understands what I'm dealing with.

Again it was asked if I've ever gotten so depressed that I wanted to hurt myself. Again the answer was no. It's not something I've ever consider. No matter how depressed I've gotten or how terrible I've felt, I've never considered hurting myself.  I don't really know why either.  I don't understand why I've never considered that but I just haven't. I just find it interesting. According to my therapist, she thinks maybe it's because some part of me still feels hopeful. Maybe she's right. She feels hopeful and I guess I do too most of the time. That's why I'm in therapy. Because part of me feels like things can change.  

At the end of today's session she told me she got the sense that I want her to tell me what to do. That I'm clueless of what to do.  I honestly felt guilty about her saying that because honestly, that's exactly what I want her to do. I've felt this way for some time but just haven't come right out and said it. I haven't really confronted it until now. I do want her to tell me what to do. Mostly because I no longer know what to do.

I feel so lost. I really have no idea what I should do anymore. It's never been really easy for me to make decisions to be honest. But now, it seems nearly impossible for me to decide. I don't really know what I should do anymore. I don't know which way to go. I'm just so lost and so confused.

I feel like I just can't make decisions on my own anymore. Not that I've ever been able to on my own without some sort of struggle. 

I just feel like I need help to make decisions. I feel like I've tried to decide things but have failed to make the right ones. I've tried on my own and things haven't turned out the way I've expected. Therefore, I no longer trust myself to make decisions on my own.

The thing is that I don't exactly want her to tell me what to do because I don't feel like she can do that. Then again maybe she can. I mean, after all, it's me that's making the decision not her. But I do want her to at least help me be able to make decisions on my own. I want to her to help me be ok with my decisions and not regret them.  Because that seems to be what I do sometimes.

I'm just dealing with so much right now it's hard for me to do much of anything.  I think my struggles with making decisions came from the chaos of not making the program in Oklahoma. Maybe that's where my problems really began. Although, I'm almost certain that it's been a longer process than that. That everything has just built up to now.

I just feel that I had made decisions to stay in Oklahoma and when things didn't happen, I no longer knew what to do.The uncertainty about my future just freaked me out too much. I made decisions that while I don't exactly regret, I often wonder if they were really the right decisions after all. Like moving here for instance. I feel like I didn't get much of a chance to think about things before deciding. Again, everything just happened so fast. I made decisions quickly.

Looking back, I wonder if I really made the right decisions. I don't know and perhaps it's partly because of that that I'm struggling now.

I'm lost. I'm confused. I feel like I no longer know what to do anymore.