Stupid

Stupid.

Inadequate.

This is the takeaway from today's therapy session. This is what I must also reflect on this week.

How many people have felt these way? My guess is pretty much everyone at some point in their lives. Who hasn't felt stupid or inadequate? 

The problem is that many of us know we aren't stupid but somehow we still believe we are.

This is me. I know I'm not stupid. I've certainly proven it enough through my education.  I'm about to graduate with a Master's degree! I should know I'm not stupid!!

Yet for some reason, I still think I am. I still don't believe I'm not.
 
This week's therapy session was a bit of a breakthrough moment for both me and my therapist. In fact, I even made her emotional at one point.

I managed to keep my emotions mostly in check this week at least until we started talking about me feeling inadequate and then I just lost it completely.

As always, a lot was discussed prior to this. I honestly can't remember what we were discussing exactly before we got to talking about feeling inadequate.

I just remember talking about so much: being scared of growing up; making decisions; finding a job; feeling pressured by family. Being afraid to find a job because I was afraid I'd be thrown into something and not know how to do it.

It was at this point, my therapist asked about if there was a time where I was thrown into something and didn't know what to do which led me to bring up my School Library class in which she asked me to talk more about it.  I just remember talking about it. Telling her how I struggled with it. Telling her how everyone else was in the School Library program and I wasn't. Telling her I felt like I was just thrown into something that I really didn't understand. I basically was telling her that I felt inadequate but not saying it directly and brushing over that fact. At some point, I was just talking about it when she stopped me and asked me  if I felt like I was inadequate. She had noticed that I  just brushed over the fact. That I didn't exactly say I felt inadequate so she asked me directly.  I lost it. It hurt to admit that I did feel inadequate; that I felt stupid. I did feel like I was stupid. That was exactly how the class made me feel. I often said I felt stupid during the course of taking the class.

Hearing my therapist say it to me; point it out to me; was hard and I think that's really why I lost it. It was just really hard to admit that. It's always been hard for me to admit feeling stupid even though I've most certainly felt it. I've said it to myself too but it's different hearing someone say it to you and to understand where you're coming from; read between the lines essentially, it's just a little overwhelming.

It really hurt to say I felt stupid but it got me thinking about other times I've felt like this.  I'm supposed to reflect and think about this. To be honest, I've already been thinking about this a lot since after our session. It's come to my attention that in reality, I think I've almost always felt stupid. Not all the time of course but when I struggled at something I certainly did.

For instance, when I had trouble with Math in school, I felt stupid because I just wasn't getting it. I remember being in 2nd grade and taking timed addition and subtraction tests, I never did very well.
I  had to count my fingers which slowed me down. I did that a lot and still do sometimes when I have to add or subtract.  I didn't have addition and subtraction facts down. It was mostly math class where I struggled and often I did feel stupid. Especially when I could see other classmates getting the concept but not me.

Then there's the time in High School where I struggled with European History AP. I just could not get the dates and information  to stick in my brain for tests. Especially when we had to write essays for the tests. Again, I felt stupid because I'd see other people doing well but not me.

Could this be the reason I try so hard to do well? Because I want to prove I'm not stupid? Is that also why I'm so afraid of failing? Because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid if I do fail?

I've never really considered this possibility. It's something that has been brought up as a possibility before but I've brushed it off a bit. I just didn't think it was really something to consider but perhaps it has more to do with it than I originally thought. I've feel like I've been searching for something more concrete. But what if this is the whole reason for things being the way they are?

I've mentioned that I was picked on as a kid and how the other girls in my girl scout troop often left me out of things. Could this be why? Because they thought I was stupid? Did perhaps at some point someone call me stupid and I felt that I had to prove to them I wasn't? Was there a point during the times I was picked on that someone called me stupid and did I just eventually come to believe it after awhile even though I knew I wasn't?

Again,  I've been searching for something more concrete to explain my problems. Some sort of specific incident that could have led me to where I am now. Yet, what if there really is nothing concrete. What if it's just this? That I was called stupid at some point by someone being mean to me. Did it just happen so much that I eventually start believe it and retaliate by working harder to prove I wasn't? Could it just really be that simple of a solution?

And yet, there is that question: If it's so simple how and why did it cause such a problem for me? Many people have been called stupid. Many people have been picked on. If this is really the answer, then why did I react so differently? Why am I now struggling so much with being afraid of failing?

Could this really be the answer I've been searching for? Did something like this subconsciously impact me and I didn't realize it until now?

I've searched and searched and I've come up empty for a concrete solution.

I know I'm not stupid and yet, I guess I sometimes still feel like I am.