The "Good" child

I've always thought of myself as being the "good" child growing up. The one that did what I was supposed to for the most part. The one that did well academically. The one that didn't seem to cause too many problems.

Sure I got into trouble several times as a child. Particularly when I was in Elementary School. I admit that I pushed things a bit too far at times.  I even got ISS a few times. I didn't always learn my lesson the first time and I was punished when I got into trouble.

But still, I was generally a good child. Most of my teachers remember me not because I was a big troublemaker because I really wasn't, but because I was a high achiever in class. I always tried hard to do well and most of my teachers could tell I just had the drive to succeed.

They aren't at all surprised when I've told them I was working on my Master's degree. They knew I was going to go far in my education.

 My parent's never were overly concerned with me when it came to my academics. I just generally always did well. Now whether it was for them or me or for someone else that I did so well, I really don't know.

I just did well in school. If I struggled with something, my parents were concerned and try to do what they could to help me. They would talk to the teacher if necessary.

When my struggles in Math reached their peak during 7th grade, they were really concerned. The sacrificed much of their Saturday's to drive me to the Sylvan Learning Center in Las Cruces to help me get back on track.

Anytime I struggled with something in school, they would try to help me even in High School.

When it came time for me to graduate from High School, they were never concerned that I wouldn't. Same when I graduated from college. It has never been a question of IF I would graduate.

So yeah, I've always considered myself to be the "good" child.  The one who just seemed to do well and not have a whole lot of problems.

But now the more I think about it. Perhaps I wasn't such a "good" child after all. I mean I was but I would never have thought that being a "good" child, meant that I would be struggling with things like I am now.

Honestly, I had problems growing up as a child. I had my share of struggles. Yet I never really thought that those struggles would cause such problems later in my life.

I honestly never thought I would end up in therapy because of some of these problems.

My older brother had some difficulties too growing up. He wasn't like me when it came to academics.

Like I said, I seemed to do everything right. But that was what he told me to do. My brother didn't 
 want me to turn out like him. He would try to make sure that I wasn't making the same mistakes he did and he would tell me that constantly.

Maybe it's because of him telling me that I ended up trying so hard at things. Maybe I pushed myself more because I didn't want to end up like him; I didn't want to make the same mistakes.
Maybe this is ultimately the reason I try so hard; that I'm so afraid of failing.

If you've read my previous blog, then you know how my brother and I were punished whenever we got into trouble.

 My mom has at least apologized for this punishment. She feels that it's because of that punishment that my brother and I are struggling with the problems we are now. She had recently heard information regarding how this particular punishment could have an impact on mental health.

Perhaps she's right.  But the thing is that I don't blame her or my dad regardless. Not really. I mean it's hard not to feel that it is partly their fault but at the same time, I don't blame them for what they did. I don't really resent them.

But the fact remains, that both my brother and I have some mental health issues. My brother has depression and it's an official diagnoses. For me, I'm not sure if I have a specific diagnoses but I do know I have some anxiety issues.

I know we both have problems and perhaps there is some sort of genetic link. It's entirely possible.

The point is that I never would have thought I would be someone who would be struggling right now. I mean after all I was the "good" child. 

The thing is that my life seemed to be pretty good. I seemed to be getting through ok for the most part. Yet somehow, here I am in therapy right now and somehow I feel like I'll be in therapy for quite some time.

Then again, perhaps it isn't too surprising that I ended up in therapy after all. Maybe things just weren't all that great as I thought growing up.

I don't feel so much like the "good" child anymore. Not lately. Not with all the problems I seem to be having.

I'm in therapy because I'm having difficulties in my life. I can no longer handle things on my own. 

I'm not saying I'm not still a "good" child. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it so much anymore.