Packing

I sit here and stare at the pile of things that I need to pack by tomorrow evening. I have no motivation to pack whatsoever. I don't want my summer to end and by packing that's exactly what it means. It means going back to my apartment and going back to the loneliness and everything. It means the end of summer and the beginning of getting back to normality.  I don't really want to leave but I don't have a choice.

"I wish we could just stay here, Harry. Grow old together."


It's not so much that I want to stay home forever. I don't. There's nothing here for me in my hometown anyway. I really don't have a choice but to go somewhere else. It's just not possible for me to achieve my dreams by staying here.  Despite the fact that I'm don't currently have a job, the opportunities are definitely a lot better for me in Denton.

It's just that I've grown extremely comfortable. I don't have to feel lonely being home.  And that's actually part of the problem. I've gotten used to being home again so much that the reality of going back to being a grown up is scary.  

There's also reason for not going back. If you've read any of my blog posts, you already know. I've made it abundantly clear. So much so that I'm sure you're quite sick of hearing about it.

Tonight my dad said something that made me think. He asked me if I'm looking forward to going back. I told him no. What do I have to look forward to? That's really what it comes down to. What do I have to look forward to? A lonely apartment? A lack of social life? No friends? No job? Burying myself in my schoolwork because I have nothing else to look forward to?  Yeah. That's about it.

Nothing about going back thrills me. There's really nothing for me in Denton. Sure there's school. But while I enjoy my classes, I've gotten to the point where I'm just ready to be done with school completely. Not necessarily ready to start a career or anything. I'm just ready to be done with school for a while. There's still the possibility I might go back. After all I still want to get a couple of minors.

 With the way things have been going back in Denton for me, it's even a wonder why I'm still there.  I don't get it. I don't get why I can't make things different for myself.  It's like a there's a block that prevents me from changing things.

No matter how long I look at the piles of everything waiting to be packed I know I have to do it. I have to get back to my own life even though it's going to be difficult (curse my social anxiety). This semester is going to be difficult for me emotionally and I already know this. If I ever expect to change my life or eventually even meet someone, I know I have to get out there.

I have to start someone even if it is as simple as packing up my bags. I guess it's time....