Comforts of home and leaving

*sigh*
For the past couple of days, I've been feeling really sad about leaving and going back to Denton. I leave on Thursday and I'm not wanting to.

The thing is that I've gotten extremely comfortable being home. I have my family and I enjoy being surrounded by people who love and care about me. I'm not lonely like I am in Denton.
You think by now I would be used to coming home and then leaving again but apparently not.  It's always been hard for me to leave my family but I feel as though it's gotten worse since I moved to Denton.

When I lived in Oklahoma, sure it was hard to leave family but it wasn't nearly this bad. I think it's because when I first moved to Oklahoma, I had family to help me out. A cousin of mine worked as a coach for the university and offered me a chance to stay with him the first semester. After that I got my own apartment. I still had family to keep an eye out for me and I would go by his house every once in awhile. Then he moved away when I had a year left in my program. But by then, I was starting to settle in. I had gotton to know people through my classes and through church and things were pretty good. I feel as though I was finally comfortable and happy. But then things happened and sudden my life was thrown into chaos. I had to move suddenly. 


Once I got into the program at UNT, we moved my stuff from Oklahoma to Denton. It's only about 4 hours away. This time though, I was completely starting on my own. I didn't know anyone in Denton at all.  I still don't know a whole lot of people or have any real friends. With my online classes, it makes it that much harder anyways.

At least when I was in Oklahoma, I had face-to-face classes and therefore, I got to talk to people. Also, the church was more student friendly. They actually had a campus church and Newman center for the college students. The church I found in Denton, while it's nice and everything, it isn't the same.  It's not a college church either but the college church isn't that fascinating to me either. The Newman Center is off-campus and the church is shared by other religions. I have not even a clue where on campus the church actually is nor have I ever been.

I have issues when it comes to making friends. Plus I have a bit of social anxiety. Whether that anxiety has increased a lot after what happened or not, I'm not 100% positive, but I'm almost certain that it has.  I'm sure it's also because of that incident, that I'm even more reluctant to leave. I'm not wanting to go back to the state of fear that I was living with. Of course, I don't ever know if I'd be ready to go back to that.

I've been told that things are and will be different this semester and it makes me upset. I realize that things have to change and I realize I need to break away and be my own person, that doesn't mean I want it to happen. It's already been hard just thinking about it. I can't help but break down thinking about everything.   I just wish it wasn't so hard for me. Part of me can't help but wish I didn't have to be such a grown up at times.

I know that someday I have to grow up and move on.  I know I have to get out and meet people and be more social. I have to get out of my comfort zone and be more adventurous. I know this but for some reason I just feel like I can't do it.