Invisible Friend (Updated 8/16 with Addendum)

"If I was invisible, wait, I already am"

This song lyric basically sums up how I'm feeling tonight. I feel invisible, specifically I feel like I'm an invisible friend. Tonight, something happened that just made me feel as though I wasn't important anymore. Like the friendship I had with someone no longer mattered. It's crazy and a bit stupid that I feel this way but I can't seem to help it.

I realize that it's not this person's fault and I'm sorry if I make you feel bad with this blog post. Look, it's really me and not this person. I get that this person is really excited about things and I would be too. The thing is that lately I just feel as though they've gotten too excited to remember that I'm there too. That we were interfriends too.  I realize that the other person has been there a lot more for the person, but I'm still here too, waiting and willing to comfort.

The thing is that the person is younger than me and so is the other person. It's hard for me to feel part of their friendship. (Well technically, I'm only really friends with one of them).  I'm not blaming them or anything. In fact part of me is happy that at least they became friends. I think the problem is that I'm really just jealous. I'm jealous that I can't have a friendship like they do. I'm jealous that they at least have friends that live close to them. Even if it is ,so far, just each other. I wish I could have that kind of friendship myself.

The thing is they're luckier than me. It took me awhile to find friends that lived close to me when I was an undergrad. They already have each other and they can share in similar experiences more than I can. I'm a graduate student and have experienced so much more than they have. I've already finished my undergraduate degree and they just barely began. My experiences are just so much different. Despite the fact that they both eventually will end up in the same degree program as I'm currently studying, they still seem to have a lot more in common.

I've tried to be friends with them but I end up feeling like a third wheel. It's a feeling that I experienced all too often back in 8th grade and I came to just hate it.  I don't want to feel like that. You know the saying "Two's a  company and three's a crowd?" That's exactly how I feel. I feel as though I'm intruding. That I don't deserve to be there and that I'm getting shoved aside. It's a terrible feeling.  Which is why part of me would rather not have to deal with it.  (Although I don't seem to experience this problem when there's 4 people that are good friends? Perhaps because it evens out.)

I think I'm also just a bit overprotective of my friends when it comes to it. I've always struggled to make and keep friends. It's never been easy for me. It's happened so much that when I finally do make friends, I tend to be a bit more attached to them than probably normal.  I get so protective that sometimes I get jealous if someone else comes in and starts to be good friends with one of MY friends. It feels as though they are intruding and stealing my friend away from me.  I realize I'm being extremely stupid feeling this way.. I know people have a right to make other friends. It's just seems to be harder for me to let that happen and especially to some of my good friends.

There's also this issue that I've had a lot of friends break my trust throughout the years. I think this could be another reason why I'm so overprotective. I feel that the friends I make, I can trust and I'm extremely loyal to them. I feel as though part of that loyalty is lost when they start drifting toward other friends. I feel as though I am a good friend but sometimes I feel as though I'm not good enough. In 8th grade, I had friends that would keep secrets from me because they felt I wasn't worthy or "mature" enough to hear them (in their opinion).

I feel as though I'm a terrible friend to keep my friends from making other friends. I feel terrible for making them feel terrible for spending time with these other friends (I never intended that). It's just me.

Look, I realize I'm not a horrible friend. I know this. I've had friends who've told me I'm not and that has made me feel better. Yet sometimes when things like this get in my mind, I can' t help but feel unworthy.

I shall end this entry with a couple of Tumbr confessions quotes that express how I feel about friends:

" I wish I had friends as close and good and made of awesome as the fiveawesomegirls are" -nerdfighterconfessions *

"I've always wanted a friendship like the Trio's. More than anything"-harrypotterconfessions


*I think I've found some of them though and they are extremely awesome.

Addendum: I assure you this is my problem not anyone else's. I'm not trying to attack anyone personally. I'm sorry if I offended anyone or make it seem as though I'm saying I own you. I don't and I know I don't. You can't own someone. Things have just been difficult for me lately and it reached the point to where I felt I couldn't take anymore.  It's simply just things happening at the wrong time for me and being tough to handle. I don't think anyone is trying to spite me or anything. In the end, this is all my problem and no one elses.  This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I've experienced this before.  This is just me and my thoughts on how I'm feeling about a situation. This is me being honest to myself.