Hypothetical future and moving back home

I'm moving back home. There's no question about that. I've given my 30 day notice to my realtor and we have plans to move my stuff into storage.

But how long I'm going to be home still remains a mystery. I'm just hoping it's not for very long. I hope I'm able to find a job somewhere and move elsewhere relatively quickly.

I've been thinking a lot about a possible future for me here and it doesn't make want to move home any sooner.

As I mentioned already, there is a job position available at our hometown library for a reference librarian. I've been told to apply and am essentially am being pressured by everyone I know to apply for the job.

It's horrible trying to deal with all this pressure and I just don't want to apply for the job.

But let's say I did apply for the job and let's say I did get the job. I'd basically be back to working at the library where it all began for me. I'd be working with most of the same people. It would be something though. It would give me experience and at least I'd be getting some money.

Still though it would be extremely awkward for me. I'd be one of the youngest full-time staff working at the library for one if not the youngest. Then there's the idea of what some of my duties would be as far as closing is concerned. I'd take a lot of responsibility on with that.  From my knowledge of Closing duties as a Library Page, I'd be the one in charge. The role would be reversed for me. I'd be the one reading off the checklist to a Library Page who mostly likely would be much older. Just so awkward.

But let's say I did get the job and ended up being here for some time. My parents basically have told me that they want me to get a job. I have to get some sort of job in the meantime.

 If I were to get a job and started making money, they said I wouldn't have to live at home if I wanted to. I could find an apartment somewhere here.

I'd be able to come home as often as I wanted for dinner or to do laundry (if I ended up with an apartment that didn't have it's own washer/dryer).

It sounds great but at the same time, not really.  First of all, if I were to do that, it would require us to drive all the way back to Denton and take my stuff out of storage and drive it all the way back.
At least if I were to get my own apartment and we decided to get some of my things.

But then, when the time came to move once again, I'd have to go through the whole thing all over again which at this point, I'm just getting tired of it.

My own apartment here in Alamo close to family. It would be nice and yet not so nice.

For one thing, it would mean coming back to the same place I had grown up. I've been away for 5 years. I've been back during breaks but this time would be different.

Coming back would mean returning to a life that I thought I left. A life where there's not much for me which is why I left.

Returning here and living here, even if I did find an apartment, would mean more than just returning to a familiar place with family.

I'd be returning to a place where I don't really have friends anymore. No one I could hang out with on Friday nights or just go out for lunch on a weekday. There are a few friends from high school and middle school still around that I could get back together with. But I haven't really kept in touch with them in so long. I've basically drifted away from them.

Saying I were to get the job at the library, I already know most of the staff there and there really isn't anyone my age so I wouldn't really have anyone there either.

Then there's the fact that I'd be returning to the same church where I grew up. I don't really have many people my age there either. Actually none that I know of.  Sure I know people and they know me but they are all adults. Many who knew me as a child.

Basically returning back home would mean loneliness for me and the ending of life as I know it and I'm not looking forward to it at all. Sure my parents are here and I love them. There's familiar faces here. So much familiarity but it's not enough.

I realize that it took me a long time to find a friend in Denton but I finally found one. I may not have known a lot of people there but I still basically had my own life. I had a chance to meet new people. Sure it wasn't easy for me and sure I was often still far too lonely for my own good but still.  And while I didn't really go a lot of places, I at least had more places to go to if I wanted to.

I had my own life. I was trying to make things work. I had found a nice church and at least had found a friend.  Now that I'm returning home for who knows how long, I'm going to lose all that. I'm losing opportunities. 

I have family but not really any friends. As it is already, I've grown tired and bored. I'm honestly starting to get irritated with my parents. How is it going to be when I'm back home for a lot longer.

Last time I moved back home it wasn't that long. It was only for the summer and luckily enough, I was able to apply and get into a graduate school that quickly. Now I don't know how long I'll be home.

It's nice being home don't get me wrong. I don't have to worry as much about bills and that helps me save money. Same with cooking and food. I don't have to worry about all that.

But at the same time, it means giving up my own life and honestly, I miss that already. It's happening though and in a few more weeks, this will be my life for an undetermined future. 

A letter

Dear Friend,

I’m writing this letter because I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where else to turn to. I just could really use some advice right now; some help making decisions. Some counsel.

I am struggling with many things at the moment. Mostly, I’m struggling to find a job. I want to find a job and soon. But at the same time, I worry about finding a job. My anxiety over the fact that I’m not ready or will be good enough is holding me back some.

I’ve applied for at least 7 positions at this point. Out of those 7 applications, I’ve only been selected for 1 interview. It’s been over 2 weeks now and I haven’t heard anything back saying if I got the job or not. However, I’m assuming that I didn’t.

I’ve only heard back from 2 other positions saying that I didn’t make it past the application point. One was a part-time job position that I didn’t really want in the first place and the other was one that while I wanted, I had put in for a while back ago and had already assumed that I hadn’t gotten it since I’d heard nothing.

Frankly at this point, I’m tired. I’m getting more and more discouraged. I’m losing motivation. Honestly I didn’t have much motivation to begin with due to my anxiety but the more rejection I hear, the more I’m losing the motivation to keep looking. I’m tired of doing all this work for what seems like nothing.

I’m also just tired of all the waiting. Waiting for new positions to open up, waiting to hear if I’ll get called for an interview, and waiting to hear if I’ll get the job.

It’s really hard not to get discouraged. I want to find something and soon for many reasons. For one, I’m moving back home with my parents until I find something.  That’s already been decided.  I can’t financially stay in Denton anymore even though part of me would like to. I’m not working and haven’t found a job yet.

I haven’t exactly been looking either but also I’ve been home since the holidays which have made it nearly impossible to even look for a part-time or temporary job in Denton so that I can stay. So  I’m moving back home. There’s no other option for me.

I’m really reluctant to move home though. Already the questions about jobs and applying have begun from my parents and it’s getting very annoying.  I love my parents and everything but I’ve also gotten to the point where I realize I need to live my own life.  Honestly, I miss that about living in Denton. I miss being able to do my own thing and living my own life.

Sure it’s lonely sometimes. Sure sometimes I feel homesick. It’s true that I call my mom on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a day. But still, I miss being on my own.  I miss my own apartment and my own life.

I want to get that back and soon. I don’t want to stay here in my hometown any longer than necessary. There’s nothing much here for me which is one of the reasons I left. I knew I had to get away if I wanted to achieve my goals in life. I couldn’t stay here.  I love coming back but I don’t want to live here that long if I can avoid it. The town hasn’t changed much since I graduated high school. It’s small and comforting but there’s really not much for me. Many of my friends that are still here, I feel like I barely know them anymore. I’ve seen more than they have. I’ve experienced what life is like outside of this small town.  Honestly, I don’t feel like I have much in common with them anymore. Really, I don’t exactly have “friends” here anymore. Not really.

 I want to get back to my own life. I want to get settled somewhere so that I can start getting my life back on track; start returning to normalcy. 

There’s another reason for finding a job and soon. I’m being pressured by my parents.  I know I need to find a job and believe me I’m trying. But it doesn’t seem like it’s happening fast enough for my parents. Then there’s the fact that they keep pressuring me to at least find something to do in the meantime.

This is hard for me because honestly, I don’t know what to find especially around here; in this small town.  I’ve said already how there isn’t much here and I meant it. There isn’t much to do around in and not much in terms of jobs.

Sure you’ve got your usual fast food places and restaurants but I really really don’t want to work in those places. I really don’t want to work in Walmart either. I’ve heard too many things about it. There isn’t a whole lot of other options for me.  There’s also the fact that I don’t even know what else I’d be good for. I’ve only ever worked in libraries before. I’ve considered places like bookstores or perhaps some sort of coffee shop or possible even a movie theater but there’s not exactly a lot of places like that here in Alamogordo. What else is there? What else could I do? What else would I enjoy doing?

My parents keep pressuring me to substitute in Elementary schools. But the thing is that I really don’t want to do that. I just don’t want to have anything to do with schools. Yes, I know I can chose the grade and turn down offers if I wanted to but I just really really don’t want to do it.  I’m done with teaching and schools and anything involving it. Frankly, the idea of substituting scares me. I don’t want to deal with the discipline problems I’m sure to run into. Then there’s the fact that sometimes you could become a long-term substitute and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be put in a position like that.

I think really I’m just afraid to go back into a classroom for any sort of teaching purposes. My student teaching taught me that I wasn’t really meant for a classroom. That, and the fact that I didn’t get into the Master’s program at Oklahoma State for not doing great in my Student Teaching which was apparently one of the requirements. Or at least that’s the reasoning they gave me for not getting accepted.

But my parents, they don’t get it. They don’t understand. To them, anything I can find to make money for the time being will do.  Even if it’s something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I’ll be miserable doing. They just want me to find something and soon. I can’t go without a job for much longer.

Just because I have my Elementary Education degree doesn’t mean I want to do anything with it anymore. I know that sounds horrible but what else do I say.  By the time I realized it wasn’t what I really wanted to do, it was far too late. I was already in my last semester of the program and it wasn’t a viable option. I was already so close to being finished.

Why I didn’t back out when I had the chance earlier? I’m not entirely sure. But my parent’s still seem to want me to do something with my degree. To them, they see my education degree and think I’d want to do something with it and I don’t.

It’s almost like I’m being forced into doing something that I don’t want to do.

Which is how I feel about another job position they are pressuring me to apply for here. Not only them but everyone else who knows me and knows I now have an MLS. 

There is a job position here in my hometown at our public library. It’s for a reference librarian. I don’t know how many times I’ve been approached by people informing me about this job position and encouraging me to apply for it.  The truth is that I just don’t want to apply for the job.  

There’s many reasons why I don’t. I’m afraid mostly.  I got my first job at the same library when I was 16. I was a Library Page for 2 ½ years before I moved away to attend college in Oklahoma. My supervisor was really tough on me for some reason. She expected a lot of me it seemed and when I didn’t measure up, I was reprimanded. A lot of pressure was on me to do well. Other staff saw how I struggled and tried to be as encouraging as possible.  I made some serious mistakes particularly whenever I worked the circulation desk, to the point that I started getting extremely nervous and almost paranoid. Which didn’t help matters any because then I’d make other mistakes. I usually learned from mistakes thought and tried really hard to pay closer attention. I was actually nervous to work the circulation desk especially when my supervisor was around.

It just wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Even now, my supervisor makes me nervous despite the fact that I’m not working there anymore.  That I think is the reason I’m afraid to go back. She’s still working there. Even though she wouldn’t exactly be in charge of me as a Reference Librarian, still the fact that I’d be working with her again doesn’t exactly thrill me.

It’s not that I wouldn’t get the job position if I applied. I have a really good shot as it is: the fact that I’ve worked at this library before, the fact that I already know the staff, and the fact that many people know me in this town that have connections. I’m almost guaranteed the job it seems. I’d have a great shot at getting hired. But therein lies my other problem, a lot is already expected of me.  People already have high expectations of me and I’m afraid to let them down.  This is more of a personal struggle though. It’s more of me being afraid to let people down.

Honestly it’s a position that I’m not exactly interested in either. But I keep being pressured by people to apply for it. Apply so I can at least get interview practice; I can always turn the job down. I don’t have to stay here forever but at least I’d start getting experience which I need. It’s a job. It’s a start; an in. All these reasoning’s are good and everything but it still doesn’t motivate me any more to apply for the job.  I still am extremely hesitant to apply. 
Also I'm being told to apply for anything I can even if I don't quite meet the qualifications but I don't see the point. If I don't meet some of the qualifications why should I try to apply when my application is likely to be rejected right away? 

A reference librarian would be a good start but I’m not sure about it either. I worry about being good enough at the position. Right I’m focusing on applying for Children’s and Youth Librarian positions because that’s really what I want to do. That’s what I focused on in grad school. That’s what I feel like I’m good enough at doing; what I’d feel most comfortable doing. But the problem is that there haven’t been a whole lot of positions opening for such librarians. I’ve applied for all the ones I feel like I’ve qualified for but still. I realize that I’m going to have to expand my search but I don’t know what else to apply for. I don’t know what else I’d feel comfortable applying for. What else I’d qualify for, because honestly I don’t feel qualified in many other areas. 

During my grad classes, I took mostly youth librarianship courses. I took a few other courses too. I took one Academic Libraries courses as well as a course in Cataloging. I did well in both courses and passed both classes with an “A”. I also took a School Librarianship course but did miserable at it. I really struggled with it and ended up with a “C”. That ended my idea of becoming a school librarian and quickly. I’m not pursuing that job route anytime soon.  But one class in cataloging and one in Academic Libraries doesn’t seem to qualify me to work in those type of job positions; At least not in my opinion. So then what do I do?

I need to know what else to apply for. I need more ideas. It’s been suggested to me by some libraries that I apply for reference librarian positions, public service librarians, or even adult services librarians;.  They suggest that I could use my knowledge of designing youth programming and use that knowledge to help develop adult programs. But how do I begin applying for such positions when my true love and desire lies in working with youth services?  How do I change my thinking to make it sound like I really want to work for adult services when in my heart, I’d rather work with youth? How do I learn to feel comfortable working with adults when I’m much more comfortable communicating with children?

I know I just need an in. I need to get into a library and start from somewhere. I need to get the experience. I don’t have to give up looking for my dream position but I need to at least get started.  But how I go about doing that, I don’t know. I just want to be happy with what I end up doing since I’m sure I’ll be in the position for a while.  

I’m so lost and confused. I need advice. I’m tired of all the uncertainty of my future. I’m tired of being pressured. I just need help. I need a friend who I can lean on right now. Someone who can help me sort through all this mess and comfort me.

Which is why I wrote you this letter, whoever you are, I really need you now.  I need someone who understands.

Please help.

Sincerely,

Ronda

On Writing and more college degree talk

Talking about degrees in yesterday's post got me thinking more about my writing and specifically why I didn't try to pursue it more.

I was looking at some degrees last night and looked at Creative Writing. I honestly wonder why I didn't go into something like that.

I love writing. As a child, I remember making up stories. I had a very active imagination.

My first stories that I remember "writing" were from when I was in kindergarten.  My Kindergarten teacher had us create a "Scribble Notebook". Each week she would draw a scribble in the notebook. We were supposed to create a picture with the scribble; turning it into anything we wanted and with the help of our families, create a story to go with the picture. My mom would usually write the story down for me, but I remember telling her what I wanted the story to say.  I came up with a variety of stories. I still have some of the pages from the notebook somewhere. I only wish I had all of them.

Of course in Elementary School, we had writing units. We had to write stories which I find to be fun. I was looking through some of my early writings, and found some stories I wrote back in 2nd grade. One was about "The Two Kittens".  As school went on, I remember just enjoying writing.  I found writing to be fun.

In 4th grade, I won an essay contest for Fire Prevention Week. That same essay won a prize in our School Writing Fair.  Then in 5th grade for D.A.R.E. we had to write essays. If our essays were good enough, we would be selected to read them for a local TV station. Mine was one of the ones selected.

As time went on, I continued to write and started writing stories just for fun outside of the classroom. Then in 7th grade,  I picked up poetry and started writing more poetry.

For me, writing is a creative outlet. It allows me to express myself.  For me writing has also helped me cope with some difficulties in my life.  When I discovered poetry, I used poetry as ways of coping with struggles I had in 8th grade; most being struggles I had with my friends.

I honestly feel that it was my poetry and writing ability that got me through that time. If I hadn't had my writing, I honestly think things would've been much worse.

If I loved writing so much, why didn't I try and pursue it in college? I know I considered going into English or Creative Writing at some point.  I really don't know why I didn't go after it more.

I remember that when I was younger, I considered becoming an author (in addition to becoming a Dentist). I just really loved writing stories.

I still love to write. In fact, I feel as though once again, writing is saving me.  Writing has become a therapy for me.

Perhaps the reason I didn't really pursue it is because I had other interests that I wanted to follow. But also perhaps because I didn't actually know what I would do with such a degree.

When I decided to go for a Master's of Library Science, I was still in the early stages of my college journey. I just knew I wanted to become a Librarian. I remember researching degrees to get for an undergrad. It didn't matter what I chose as an undergrad although to me it seemed a lot of MLS's students went into English type degrees; which makes sense to me.

I remember considering an English degree. I remember that I enjoyed it somewhat and was fairly good at it. I had been pretty good at it in school. But I also remember thinking how maybe not English exactly but going after Creative Writing since I enjoyed writing so much.

I'm not entirely sure what turned me against it. I honestly should have gone for that degree. Honestly, I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more than my Elementary Education degree.  I guess what turned me against it was more the fact that I was questioned by family members "What would you do with a degree in  Creative Writing?".

I guess really that's what stopped me from going after something that I potentially would've enjoyed going for.  It was the idea that I needed to have a degree to fall back on even though I was going to go for a Master's and had made plans to do so.

My intentions for going into Elementary Education were  very logical and well-intended. It's not that I didn't enjoy my courses either because I did. Some more then others. But still, I went in not wanting to be a Teacher and came out still not wanting to Teach. It's not that I wasn't smart enough or anything. I passed all the necessary exams and even passed the portfolio submission.

It just wasn't what I truly wanted and still isn't something I want.  Thinking back, I honestly feel that I should have listened more to my heart when deciding what to pursue.  I listened to too many people telling me to get a degree in something that was sustainable.

Plus there was also the fear that I didn't want to end up like my brother. I didn't want to end up with a degree that I couldn't do much with.

I could've backed out before it was too late. I should have now that I think about it. But I didn't and really, I didn't have much of a chance. By the time I transferred to Oklahoma State, I was almost a College Junior. I ended up having to pick up a semester's worth of credit that were required there that I hadn't taken. The semester after that, I was taking Elementary Education classes.

I had issues my 1st semester of Elementary Education classes already. I should have realized then and backed out but I didn't.  Both of my field experiences that semester didn't go that great.  I should have used that knowledge and switched to something else.

But even if I had changed majors, I don't even know what I would have switched to at that point.  I stuck with it hoping things would improve and they didn't exactly. By the time I wanted to quit; that this wasn't really what I wanted to do it was too late. I was in my last semester and had already been assigned a mentor teacher for Student Teaching. I couldn't really back out. It also just wasn't worth it at that point. I was pretty much done.

Now thinking about it, I would have gladly given up everything and switched majors after that 1st semester of Elementary Education classes. Even if that meant that I would be graduating later than expected.

But I was too focused. I had a goal in mind already and plans to get there no matter what. I basically put up with Elementary Education courses because I felt it was the only way to get to what I really wanted to do. Some of my friends in the program even told me this. They encouraged me and would tell me to just get through the courses and then I'd be free to enjoy the ones for what I really wanted to do. I'd explained to them what I had to do and they understood. Still though, sometimes it seemed like it wasn't worth it.Particularly when it came to a difficult course like both my Math courses. It didn't seem worth it to continue with it.

I know I would break down in tears out of frustration and would feel like giving up. I wanted to give up so much but others wouldn't let me. They kept telling me how far I'd gotten and that I couldn't give up.

If only I hadn't listened. I imagine I could have ended up with a degree in something I truly would have enjoyed. Perhaps I could have used my love of writing to a greater extent.

I could have had a Bachelor's degree in something I could feel proud of. That I could feel wasn't exactly worthless.

Even though I didn't get a Creative Writing degree, I still enjoy writing and plan to continue to write. Writing is really important to me. More so now I think. 

I only wish I could have considered it important enough to pursue a degree in it.

College degree do-over

I've already said how I really wish I could go back and do my Bachelor's degree over. How if I could go back and do it over, I would.

Honestly, Elementary Education just wasn't for me and I found that out when it was way too late to do anything. I enjoyed working with children but not in a classroom setting; not teaching them.

 I've said how I thought once I got into my degree program more that I would grow to love it but I didn't. I went in with the goal that I eventually wanted to be a librarian and specifically a school librarian.  Honestly, most of my classes were enjoyable but when it came to actual student teaching and field experiences, I didn't enjoy them all that much.

I just never really grew to enjoy the teaching aspect unlike my degreemates. They all wanted to be teachers. I went into the program never really wanting to be a Teacher. I was fine with teachers but I didn't think I wanted to be one necessarily and I was right.

I don't necessarily know if it was partly do to my experiences that just really turned me away from teaching or not. I honestly believe it was partly because of them. I just didn't have that great of experiences overall. Perhaps I just never quite had the "right" experiences. I just wasn't that fortunate.

I have my degree in Elementary Education and while it's been at least somewhat helpful, I feel it's a bit of a worthless degree for me. I have my Teaching License but I really don't think I'll ever use it. I don't want to use it. Honestly, I'm just done with Teaching.

I'm honestly a lot happier with my Master's degree in Library Science than I think I ever was with my Elementary Education degree. I feel like I've finally found something I really will enjoy doing.

But if I could go back and do things over I would in terms of my Bachelor's degree. The downside of going back and doing things over is that I probably wouldn't have met my wonderful advisor nor would I have met my professor that I still keep in contact with. Both have become such important people in my life that I don't know what it would be like if I'd never met them. I couldn't imagine my life without them in it.

Still though, I can't help but think what I would do differently if I could. What would I have gone after instead of an Elementary Education degree.

Honestly, I don't even know. The problem is that I have so many interests and things I want to do in my life that it's hard to narrow things down. In fact, I honestly feel that's why I became a librarian. I wanted to do so much in my life and couldn't decide so I became a librarian so that I could be a little bit of everything. That's at least how I see it.

I mentioned before how I used to want to be a Dentist but how the amount of schooling plus the math courses involved stopped me. I didn't think I could handle it all especially being that I wasn't exactly strong in math to begin with. Then I thought perhaps a Forensic Scientist but one that worked in the lab. But again, the math involved and then there was the amount of science courses. I even thought about just being a Scientist at some point.

I just really loved Science and wanted to do something with it. But I really didn't know what I wanted to do. Even when I began college, I went into the Arts & Sciences degree area thinking I eventually wanted to do something in that area.

But I eventually strayed away from it; the whole science thing. I still enjoyed it but my weakness in Math courses was keeping me away. I knew it would eventually become a problem. I was just ok in Math and that wasn't going to be enough.

So anything involving Science was pretty much out for me. It was during the time that I was working at the library and starting to realize just how much I really enjoyed it. I mean really enjoyed it. I remember watching the Children's Librarian and really thinking how I might like to do something like that.

So I thought about focusing on being a librarian. But I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do for my undergrad. When I decided I really wanted to be a librarian and looked at what I would need to do, I knew I needed to get a Master's. But as for an undergrad, I could basically do anything.

I remember thinking about going after an English degree at one point. For some reason, I liked English to a point and thought maybe that would be something. I also remember looking into a Creative Writing degree since I really enjoyed writing. But again that was thrown out.

I'm not sure when I decided to look into a School Librarian. I know one of the programs that I first looked into at Oklahoma State was School Library Media.  It was a graduate program and my cousin sent me the information. In order to apply for the Master's program a degree in Education was required. I remember thinking Elementary Education would be a option since I liked that age range of children. When we visited the campus for the 1st time, I remember meeting with someone who asked about which age of children I wanted to work with. Younger or Older. I remember getting information about both Early Childhood and Elementary Education and ultimately decided on the older children which meant Elementary Education.

Why I didn't take more time to explore and figure out what I really wanted to do, I'm not sure. But I didn't and now I regret it.

I guess if I were to go back, I might consider going back for an English degree or Creative Writing or something. Just something I would have enjoyed even if it wasn't something that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Perhaps I would even go after some sort of Science degree. After all, I still loved Science and even though I struggled with College Biology as far as the tests were concerned, when it came to the labs, I was fairly good at it. In fact, my TA even asked when I wasn't going into a Science field at one point. I guess there was something about me that he saw that would've been good for a Science field.

Recently I've been thinking about Reading. Some sort of Reading degree. Someone graduated with a Doctorate in that field the same day I graduated with my Master's, which got me thinking about why I never thought about something like that before. I'm not even sure what a Reading degree would involve but it certainly sounds interesting.

Then I got to thinking about some other things I enjoyed; other classes I enjoyed that perhaps could have turned into a degree. For instance, Psychology.  I took a course and I remember finding the subject interesting. I must have done really well, since I got at least an A- in that course, but I never considered pursuing it for some reason.  At least not until recently.  Recently I've developed more of an interest in Psychology for obvious reasons I feel. Since being in therapy, my interest seems to have grown.

I also remember enjoying things like Art. I remember taking an Art history-type course and loving it. But again, it wasn't something I considered pursuing.  I guess I just thought I liked Art but not enough to pursue it.

I loved music and still do. At some point I still want to go back to college and get my minor in it. Same with Spanish. I want to get a minor in Spanish too.  Perhaps I'd even consider a 3rd minor and go with Psychology.

But why I never thought about pursuing some of these things as regular degrees? I'll never know. Honestly, I would go back but I still don't know what type of degree I'd really want.

One of my graduate classmates I met back at Web Institute, pursuing a general studies degree and took classes in a variety of subjects. Perhaps that's the type of degree that would be good for me.

I guess that's it. I feel like I have a lot of interests but don't necessarily know which one to focus on. I like Science, Music, Writing, Reading, and to some extent English. I also spend a lot of time doing stuff with computers. I remember playing around with HTML and web design software like Geocities when I was a bit younger. I've tried to make my own Myspace layouts and also for a Bloopdiary I had.  I've dabbled in graphic design a bit if you could call it that. I used to play around with Adobe Photoshop, designing Wallpapers and banners for forums. As for video editing, I'm fairly good at using Windows Movie Maker software and have created several fan videos by editing footage together.

But I don't know which would be a "good" focus for a degree. Even knowing that I was going to go on to get a Master's in Library Science and that it really didn't matter much what I went for, doesn't make it much easier.  I know librarians bring all sorts of degrees to the library science field.

Still though, thinking about what I would go back and get instead of an Elementary Education degree, I'm not sure what I'd go for. What would be good to go for? What would help me as someone wanting to be a Children's librarian? What would I enjoy pursuing? Really enjoy? How would it benefit me in the library field? Would it?

If I were to do over my Bachelor's degree, what degree would make me feel as though my undergraduate studies were worth it?

Sometimes...

**I’ve noticed how I’ve recently been posting a lot of thoughts on my writing Tumblr and on my regular Tumblr all starting with the word sometimes. So I decided I’d compose all those thoughts including some from other posts into a poem of sorts starting with the most recent.**

Sometimes the emotional pain is just too much to feel anything else.

Sometimes I think I’m more damaged mentally than even I realize.

Sometimes I feel that perhaps I became a librarian 
Because I wanted to do so much with my life ,
and couldn’t decide on just one thing.

Sometimes I curse my OCD tendencies,
But then I guess that’s what makes me good for being a librarian.

Sometimes I wonder what a true college experience is like since I didn’t really have one.

Sometimes it seems as though my writing is all that keeps me from going completely insane.

Sometimes I look at other people’s degree programs,
And think that what they are doing sounds so cool; so exciting.  
Then I look at both of my degree programs 
And think they aren’t all that exciting in comparison.

Sometimes I think the reason I have so many stuffed friends,
Is because I don’t have a lot of real friends.

Sometimes it just seems easier not to say anything.
Mostly because I really don’t know what to say.

Sometimes it just hurts too much.

Sometimes I almost wish I didn’t believe.

Sometimes it’s almost like I wish life didn’t exist. 
Not in a suicidal way 
But mostly that it could just slow down and let me work things out. 

Sometimes I wish someone could just take one look at me
See me as someone who is struggling,
And reach out to me.


Sometimes I still wish we had a landline so that I can call a helpline without worrying that I’d go over our family’s shared minutes.

Sometimes lately, I’ve been wondering what my therapist would say about some of the things I’ve been struggling with.
I wonder what advice she’d give; 
How she’d help me.

Sometimes I wish someone could just tell me when life is supposed to start getting better for me. 
When I can stop feeling this way. 
Stop having to deal with it.
Sometimes it feels as though things will never get better even though I already know they have somewhat.
I’m just tired of trying to make sense of it all;
 Of trying to understand.

Sometimes we all just need a friend. 
Someone who will just listen to your problems even if they can’t help.

Sometimes I wish I had a friend who was a psychologist 
That I could just call up whenever I got in these moods. 
Someone who could explain why I’m feeling this way.

Sometimes I wonder how many people go into Psychology
Because they have been in therapy themselves at some point.

Sometimes it feels as though I’m slowly getting worse despite the fact that I’ve been in therapy.

Sometimes it’s hard not to think I could be a little bipolar,
When I’m so down and crying one minute for no real reason 
And happy (not overly though) the next.

Sometimes it feels as though I’m leading a secret life; 
One that my family knows nothing about.

Sometimes I think I should listen more to what books have to say; 
Certain quotes since it seems as they know more about my life than even I do. 
That they can describe my current life situation better than I can.

Sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever be back together again.

Sometimes it seems almost as if the Internet is a lot friendlier than real life. 
It’s easier to find a friend especially if you’re socially awkward.

Sometimes I fear that I’m frightening everyone with some of the things I say on here. 
That people fear that I will resort to doing something crazy. 
That I make people concerned more than is necessary.

Sometimes I have times where I think about some of my old friends and wonder about them. 
I can’t help but wonder if they ever think about me. 
If they ever think about some of the fun times we used to have.
And smile at the memories.

Sometimes I just really wish I could understand what is my life.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone would look up to me. 
Some of the influences I’ve had on people have resulted in negative effects for them.

Sometimes I just feel so alone. 
Like no one understands. 
Sometimes I kinda hate myself for being who I am.

Sometimes I feel like I let people down. 
People who really care about me.

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a Facebook. 
I hardly talk to anyone on there as it is.

Sometimes it feels that people look at me and think my life is so wonderful. 
That I seem put together. 
That everything is going well.

Sometimes it feels like all the support I have anymore is therapy. 

Sometimes it feels like no one cares about me when I really need them. 

Sometimes the Internet makes me feel guilty about being honest.

Sometimes I just wish I could talk to someone about my thoughts regarding a situation. 
A friend that knows about the situation 
and who would still be my friend even after hearing my thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder just how many people download popular songs for free off the internet despite people trying to prevent such things from happening?

Sometimes even the Internet makes me feel so alone.  

Sometimes I think: What does it mean to be in love?

Sometime I wonder if I’m truly better.
Sometimes I wonder: Will I ever be better?

Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and forget the Incident ever happened.

Sometimes I feel so alone.

Take a look through my eyes

The title of today's blog post is a lyric taken from a song by Phil Collin's from the Disney movie Brother Bear. The song is called "Look Through My Eyes". I felt like it was an appropriate lyric for what I plan to talk about.

I wish people could just take a look through my eyes sometimes and see how things look from my point of view. Essentially see what I'm dealing with because then maybe they'd understand. Maybe they would realize how much I'm struggling with things. Realize just how much I'm hurting and how much I'm hiding just how much I'm hurting; why I'm hiding it.

But that's not really what I'm wanting to talk about today. I've talked enough about my mental health issues so much that it's just become repetitious. I feel like I'm coming off as annoying to people now. That people are just sick and tired of me talking about my problems. That they've lost interest essentially.

What I really wanted to talk about was just a general trend I've seen with my writing.  I've pointed out how ever since I started going to therapy, my number of posts have increased. Basically, ever since I started really struggling the number has increased. I write more because I feel I have to. I need some sort of outlet and for me writing has been that.

I use this blog mostly for my long blog posts but I also have a writing Tumblr; a Tumblr where I post nothing but my various writing whether it's poetry or short blogs or rants. 

Last night I was going through some of my text posts on that blog and I noticed a sort of pattern. Basically I just stepped back and really looked at them.  I essentially had an out-of-body experience.

Looking at all my posts just really put it into perspective for me just how difficult this past year was for me. Just how much I'm really struggling. It scared me a bit because it made me realize just unhappy I've been. Just how much my life seems to have gone downhill.

I started the Tumblr for the reason that I needed another place to get my thoughts down. Thoughts that were sometimes too short for a regular blog posts and also to cut down on how much I used Twitter for my rants.

I know I've been struggling for awhile. It's not hard to see.  Why else would I have been in therapy at the Psychology Clinic for at least a year and a half?

But last night I guess was really the first time in a while that I took a step back and saw things in a different light.

I've truly been unhappy for a long time. I've been really struggling with things. I have a lot of proof of this. Just look at my writings here and on that Tumblr and you'll see it clear as anything.

Honestly looking at all my posts, I almost couldn't recognize myself. It felt like I was looking through the eyes of someone else thinking "Wow this person is really hurting". I almost couldn't believe this was all me. I basically didn't recognize it as myself.  I didn't realize just how bad things truly were for me; had gotten.

I felt like I was reading the writing of a person whose life has slowly declined; a person whose life has slowly spiraled out of control.

It's hard to believe that this is me who wrote this. It's my life that I'm talking about. I don't recognize myself anymore.

I've said this before here and on my Tumblr, but I really wish I could just show my writing Tumblr and my blog to my therapist because I feel like they would understand things  a lot better. I feel like it's more "me" than I am if that makes any sense.

I guess I just feel like it shows more of who I really am than what I tell them. I'm honest with my therapists. I try to be as honest as possible.  I trust them so much.

Yet when it comes down to it, I'm honestly a lot better expressing myself when it comes to writing and not so much when expressing myself verbally. I struggle to find the right words to describe things when speaking but seem to be able to find them when writing.

I just wish they could take a look through my eyes. Read what I've said because I know it would give them much better insight to my problems then I ever could. My writing says so much more about me. It's not because I don't feel they understand me because they do. Sometimes I think they understand me more than even I do. They see things that perhaps even I don't yet see.

Just take a look through my eyes
Everything changes
You'll be amazed what you'll find
If you look through my eyes

If only people could see what I see, then perhaps they'd really understand.

A couple of memories

I just got a couple of memories in my mind today that I felt like writing down. One memory is good and happy while the other one, not so happy.  Just some memories that randomly popped into my mind.

First the happy one. I remember when I was younger playing with the granddaughter of the lady who lived across the street. The girl and her family lived in Germany and every so often they would come visit. I guess I would say that the girl and I were friends. She was a few years older than me. She and I would spend time together whenever she would visit and we had fun together.

I remember a game she and I would play. I guess I would describe the game as being Narnia-like. In the room she stayed in I remember that she and I would go into to begin the game. My friend would leave the closet saying that she had to prepare the magic or something like that. After a few minutes, she would open the closet and the room would be "transformed". There was "magical" stuff all over the place. Little things that had not been in the room before. Things that she would use specially for the game.  I even remember that she would speak in some sort of accent to add to the game and she would claim that she was "magical". 

We would spend time in this "magical" place for awhile and then we would have to go back, usually by then, I'd have to return back home. We would go back in the closet and the process would be reversed. Everything would return back to normal.

I remember trying to create something like this on my own. Trying to re-create/invent my own version of the game and trying it out with my friends. It wasn't the same although my other friends seemed to enjoy it. I think I only did this twice before giving up. Still it's a fun memory.

The other memory isn't so happy for me.

It's a memory from my first semester of my Senior year of High School.  It was in my Economics and Government class and it was one of the first few days. I don't remember if it was the first day exactly but it was certainly during the first week of classes.

My teacher wanted us to learn a little more about each other by playing a sort of game. We had to silently pick someone to keep an eye on while she asked a series of questions.  There were four choices to each question and to answer we would each go to one of four corners. So basically a version of "four corners".  The way you answered the questions related a bit to your personality and what type of person you tended to be. The questions were pretty interesting and it was interesting to see which classmates shared the same interests as you.  It was actually kinda fun. At least if was for awhile.

Then my teacher asked a question about pets. Well I've never had a pet. Ever. It's not that I haven't wanted one. My parents never got one for me. I wanted a cat and have wanted one for a long time. But I still didn't have a pet of any type. 

There was a corner for dog owners, a corner for cat owners, a corner for various pets (birds, turtles, fish, etc.), and then a corner for people with no pets. I asked if you actually had to own a pet or if it could be the pet you wished you had. But my teacher said it was the pet you actually had. Since I had no pets, I ended up in the corner for "no pets".

It was embarrassing because I was the only one in the class that didn't have one. I hated it. I hated standing out for that reason. I remember just feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I remember feeling like I was turning red.  It wasn't my fault I didn't have a pet. Given the choice I would have been with the rest of the cat people but my teacher wouldn't let me.

What made me feel even worse was the fact that my teacher read the description for what a "no pet" person was likely to become. It said that I was likely to become the type of person who lived alone in a white sofa/carpet environment that would yell at kids for messing up my perfect coach with grape juice or something.  I hated that description and honestly I remember feeling so embarrassed and upset that I actually broke down in tears.

I hated that description because I felt like it wasn't me at all. The thing is that my teacher thought it was funny. She joked about it. But I didn't see it as very funny. In turn, I think it was because of this that I felt a bit of resentment towards her. The way she handled the whole situation just wasn't a good way. I really didn't like her much to begin with but I think this so called "game" just really soured things for me.

I guess what really bothered me was the fact that the game singled me out like that. I hated being singled out, I guess. Perhaps it's partly because of being left out of things when I was younger. The whole thing with Girl Scouts. Maybe that's why I was so bothered by it. I was left out and because I was basically alone, everyone was looking at me and I hated that.  I guess in a way I also felt it would give my classmates a reason to make fun of me too even though none of them did.

Still, I know that was a fear I had. Then the description my teacher gave for people with "no pets" didn't help much. I felt ashamed for not having a pet when everyone else did.

Even now, I still don't have a pet. I want one and plan to eventually get one. I would like a cat and have plans to get one at some point in the future. I know it'll probably help me to have a pet. Especially now with things going on in my life.

Anyways, just a couple memories that I wanted to mention that I had on my mind.

The Future

I know it's silly and stupid but sometimes I have moments where yes, I actually worry about the future.

I worry about things to come. Maybe it's partly because I have anxiety issues but who knows.

Look, I worry. I worry about my future and what it will be like.

I worry that I may never find the right guy. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone to fall in love with. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even worthy of finding love.

I mean, I'm not someone who typically cares a lot about how she looks but at the same time, I can't deny that sometimes I'm not pleased with how I look. Who doesn't worry about how they look sometimes? Really?

I'm not the prettiest girl out there. I'm a nerdy girl and I'm not ashamed of that but still. Sometimes I wonder what guy would ever like me. Take some of my friends for example; some of the friends  I had growing up in middle school and such. Several of those friends are now married or in relationships. Some of them even have kids!

Then I look at myself and while I'm mostly proud of who I am and my accomplishments, I can't help but feel a little bit bitter toward them.

I've said in previous posts how I've never really been in love. Never even really been on a date. Never even been kissed (although that's a little complicated for me).

I've had crushes and such but otherwise, I've never had a boyfriend.  Sure at dances, I danced a few slow dance songs with guys but they were friends. Sometimes yes, I had some crushes on those guys, but their friendship was really all that mattered to me. 

In a way the whole "never been on a date thing" isn't exactly true. I have been on a date before but I don't actually call it a date because it wasn't exactly one to me. I didn't really like the guy in that way and really, I saw it more as just 2 friends hanging out.

I met the guy during the summer back when I was entering 8th grade. We were both volunteers at the library during the Summer Reading Program. He was a nice guy and everything but I didn't really like him that way. But apparently he liked me. He called me up and asked me to go with him to the county fair and we did. We had fun but I didn't really see it as being much of a date. I told him afterwards that I just wasn't that interested in a relationship.

I've just never really been that interested in a relationship and to be honest, I'm still not exactly interested. I just don't really see myself as being someone guys would fall in love with.

Then there is the fact that I'm a bit nervous now when it comes to guys. I mean more than usual. Ever since the Incident happened with my neighbor, I feel like I've been more nervous. I just don't want something like that to happen again. Almost any guy makes me nervous now. I've essentially been scarred. I'm concerned that even if I find a guy, that what happened will have an impact on our relationship.

Sometimes I even wonder if I want to be married. I mean I feel like I'd want to but then sometimes I think I could be happy being single.  It's complicated.

In addition to worrying if I'll ever find the right guy, I sometimes wonder if I want kids. I've said this in previous blog posts too. I still don't know. I know it sounds weird that someone who is going to be a Children's librarian wouldn't want kids of their own but what if? I mean I love children but sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to handle children of my own.

Then there's the thoughts I get about my parents.  How I'll handle when it's their time to leave this world.  I know it'll happen and sometimes I worry about how I'll react.

I mean, I guess the real fear I have regarding the future lays in the fact that I'm just simply afraid to grow up. I'm not ready to grow up and be an adult.  Because being an adult is just too difficult and scary.

I know the future hasn't happened and there's no way of knowing what it'll bring me. I realize there's no point in worrying but yet sometimes I get these thoughts and can't seem to stop them.

The future can be scary. I can't be afraid to face it head on though.

I just don't know how to do that yet. 

Silence and Childhood

I've discovered recently that I've developed a sort of silence talking about some things. Mostly when talking about job hunting and such.

I'd rather not think about them; talk about them.

Particularly when talking to my parents. I've become silent. I don't talk about it much with them instead remaining silent.

I don't really know why this is.I have fears. I've said this already but what I'm exactly afraid of, I'm not sure.

I feel like I can't talk to my parents anymore because I feel like they don't understand what's really going on with me. They really don't understand what's going on.  They think that whatever I'm dealing with that I can simply  "get over". My problems are much more complicated then they realize or will ever know.

I think I've basically stopped trusting them. I love them and I know they are only concerned about me. They want to help but sometimes I feel like their helping is only making things worse.

I think the other reason I chose to remain silent is because honestly I don't know what to say to make the situation better. I don't know what to say because I really don't know what's going on with myself. I don't know what to say.

I feel like I'd rather be silent because it allows me to avoid the subject. It keeps me from having to talk about something that makes me unhappy or uncomfortable.

I know I should talk but honestly, I feel like I can only talk to certain people about the things I'm dealing with. I'd much rather talk to my friends or a counselor because I feel like they have a much better understanding. Especially my therapists. They get things that even  I don't. 

Maybe part of me also blames my parents for some of my problems and that's why I'd rather be silent around them? It's a possibility.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past and how things have contributed to my problems now.

I've especially been thinking about my childhood and honestly I can't see where the breaking point was.

I had a happy childhood as far as I can remember. Sure I had struggles but then again, what child hasn't?

Sure I was a bit of a troublemaker. I'll admit. I got in trouble at school and didn't always learn my lesson the first time. I did get in school suspension a few times in Elementary school but generally I was a good kid. Teachers remember me even now as being one of the smart kids in school. They remember me as being a generally good child. I wasn't one to cause trouble all the time.

I remember one time getting in trouble for shoving a girl. I think I was just angry because she had said something to me. That and I remember feeling jealous toward her. She was the "good" child. The teacher's all liked her and she was smarter than me; got all A's. I remember being jealous of her for those reason.  I certainly remember getting in trouble a few times because I would react to people picking on me; making fun of me.  I basically lashed out at people once it got to be too much. Most of those times were at the Recreation Center though.

But really, I wasn't a bad child at all. I wasn't a problem student.I didn't cause a lot of problems in the classroom.

I dealt with teasing and I know I was often too hard on myself to do well in school for reasons that I'm not even sure of.  I had trouble making friends and trusting my friends. I was far often too unhappy with this. I was left out of things and just basically had some struggles as a child.

But despite everything, my childhood was mostly happy. I was a happy child or as happy as I could be. I mean, I considered myself to be a happy child.  I considered myself to be a happy person.

I've said how unlike some of my friends, I didn't exactly have things in my childhood that would've sent me to therapy back then. Well, at least nothing that I'd admit to or consider. I mean obviously now, I realize that I've been dealing with some things for some time now and I have admitted to seeking counseling back in Middle school.

But really, thinking about my childhood, I would not have thought I would be someone that ended up in therapy. I would never have thought about me now being someone who doesn't feel so happy anymore. Who is dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression. Who essentially feels lost and is dealing with a lot of uncertainty.

So I guess what I'm wondering is how someone who was such a happy person could become someone who is now struggling.  How someone who really didn't have a specific reason to end up in therapy did end up in therapy.

I mean I know what led me to seeking therapy in the first place; the very first time I sought therapy and the times after. I don't regret it. I wouldn't change seeking it out in the first place. In fact, if I think about it, perhaps I wouldn't have waited nearly as long.

Throughout my therapy sessions, my therapists and I have explored things from my childhood. We've tried to pinpoint when some of my problems really began; tried to find causes and honestly there hasn't been much. I had a loving family. My parents weren't perfect but they raised me the best they knew how and honestly they were wonderful. They are wonderful parents.

Basically there isn't a lot to explain my problems now. Nothing that I can think of. There are a bunch of little things but things I wouldn't necessarily think about causing problems.  But perhaps those little things kept building up.

I mean I'm sure that  some of the things my parent's said and did  probably caused some of my problems even though I didn't realize it until I began going to therapy sessions. I mean I'm realizing that perhaps they have more to do with my problems then I originally thought.

 I guess my point is that even people who seem happy can have mental health issues. I mean, I look at myself as a child and think how happy I was. I sometimes wonder if things began to fall apart long before I sought therapy.

I have so much going on still like I've mentioned before. Things haven't gotten better and I'm not sure how long it'll be before they get better.

I still feel like things aren't any better than they were. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'm becoming silent and seem sad more often. All because I'm struggling. 

New year, Same fears and problems

It's the first month of the year. The first few days of the new year and already some of my old fears and anxieties have returned.

Actually I'm not even entirely sure they ever really went away. Sure they were getting better in therapy but now that I'm no longer going, I feel like they've started getting worse. 

I feel like I'm going backwards. In fact, I almost feel like instead of being borderline for depression, I've gone over that line. I feel like I have depression even if it's just mild.

I'm not interested in some things anymore. My sleep patterns are weird. I'm either tired but can't seem to sleep or else I fall asleep but then wake up hours later and am just wide awake.  I'm sad more often and feel like breaking down in tears, all without a specific reason. This isn't something that has been happening only recently. In fact it's been happening for a little while now. I'm not sure how long but certainly the last few sessions. Certainly the sleep troubles were occurring for some time before that.

I don't really understand what's going on with me. I honestly feel that my mind is messed up. Like this is something I can't simply "get over". I don't have any other explanation for what's going on with me. I have nothing else to explain why I'm so sad lately.  Why I'm feeling this way. I keep coming back to depression.

Again though I haven't been officially diagnosed by anyone as far as I know. I've said it so much but I'll continue saying it. All this is speculative and I know it's wrong to self-diagnose. But I feel like I have some evidence to support my self-diagnoses. But until I know for sure, I'm still being reserved about it.

Perhaps my therapists could see this happening to me. Perhaps they sensed I could go into a depression. I know that my last therapist kept asking me about things that could diagnose me as such. I could tell she was genuinely concerned. Again perhaps they had already diagnosed me as having depression but just didn't inform me.

I really wish I could be in therapy right now. I know I need it. In fact I feel like I need it so much more right now. I miss my therapists more than ever. There are times where I think about them and wish I could just talk to them. I think about what advice they could give me; what they would say to make things "better" for me. I honestly miss them.

I know I should be in therapy right now; that I should be continuing with it. Especially now but unfortunately, it's just not possible right now. I've said how I don't want to start and then have to start over again wherever I eventually end up. I don't want to go back to the therapist I previously had here either. I just didn't feel like she and I "connected" that well. I mean she helped and she was great but after this last year at the clinic, with the therapists I've had at the Psychology Clinic, I realize what I need and unfortunately this therapist/counselor doesn't meet that for me.

For now I'm without a therapist and it's probably not the best idea but I don't exactly have a choice. If anything I have some friends to reach out to now (one being a psychology major) and that's been somewhat helpful.  Depending on things, I may or may not return to therapy soon. It may wait until I get settled in a new place or it may not. I feel it also depends on me and how I feel. If I feel like I can manage for the time being or not. Right now I'm coping the best I can even if it's been difficult.

I'm still dealing with feelings of anxiety as well and feelings of uncertainty. I still don't always know what's going on with me.

I still have fears of not being "good enough". I still have fears about whether this is really what I'm meant to do in my life.

I just want this year to be better for me. So far it hasn't seemed that way. It seems that I'm still struggling with things. Things that won't be solved all that easily. Things that won't simply be fixed by me finding a job and getting my career started.

I just want this year to be a year where I return to a sense of "normality" and happiness. Is that really so much to ask?