Making a list

So I have a job now. A job I didn't really want and still don't really want. But I have no choice but to take it. It's a long story that I'll have to explain later. 

Anyway, this job has gotten me thinking a lot about jobs in general. Specifically, the types of jobs that I'd be willing to do while looking for my dream job.  I don't know or understand why certain things appeal to me more than others. Some of them don't make sense why I don't like them. It's just the way it is for me. 

Thus, I present to you a list of jobs that would appeal to me: 

Coffee shop barista

Book Sales Associate or just working in a bookstore of some type

Library (obviously)

Summer Camp Aide or Counselor 

After School Aide 

Working with children in a museum or just working in a museum (bonus if it's a science museum)  

Retail shops (specifically Build-a-Bear, Disney Store, or The Lego Store but I'd likely be ok with places like Walgreens) 

Working with household animals in an animal shelter (cats and dogs) or possibly a zoo (feeding the animals)

Working with flowers (Floral shop in a grocery store)

Working in a Frozen Yogurt shop

That's actually a pretty good list. But it's also a difficult list since there aren't exactly a lot of those types of jobs around this area. Still though, these are things that I think I'd be ok with. This list is actually a great improvement for me since it used to be that I couldn't think of anything else I'd want to do other than library. 

So now for the opposite; a list of jobs that just really don't appeal to me whatsoever:

Food service jobs*  (anything regarding this; fast food or restaurants,, although I'd be ok with a froyo or coffee shop)

Bank teller (although I did apply for a couple positions, I'd just rather stay away because I'm not all that great with calculations) 

Clerical work (specifically being a receptionist that has to answer phones; I have anxiety when it comes to answering/talking on the phone). 

TEACHING!!   (This includes substitute teaching. Yet this is the type of job I happen to have gotten. I have a job now as a Pre-K teacher even though I'm not early childhood certified. I didn't really want it and still really don't but I didn't have a choice. I'm just so freaked out about it. I just really don't want it but I can't say no  because it's complicated).

Working in the Deli department of a grocery store or anything similar (Did this already and wouldn't want to do it again at all).

I guess when it comes to jobs, I just want something that won't be too stressful for me. Something that won't overwhelm me too much or stress me out. Stress just isn't helpful for me. I tend to get stressed out fairly easily which in turn makes my anxiety heighten and just adds emotional stress and could send me into a depressive state again. Especially if it's a job I've basically been forced into. Such as this Pre-K job (and believe me, I've been in a panicked state since finding out) and also the Deli job. I already go into the job with negative feelings toward it.  

This Pre-K job is already just overwhelming me and I really don't know what's going on exactly. I'm not really all that excited about it. Everyone else seems more excited about it than I am. Yes, the kids are cute but I still don't want to teach them. This is so far out of my comfort zone. Everyone keeps telling me to give it a try; I might end up liking it. But I know I won't. The teaching aspect is just something that I don't want to do. 

I just keep hoping that something else will come through for me quickly and save me from being stuck in this job. I'm literally taking it a day at a time; a month at a time. I'm still hoping that I'll have found something else by the time my nephew's birthday rolls around on August 7th. 

When words fail you

It's been a few months. I haven't forgotten.  Things have been difficult. I can't always figure out what to say.

I haven't forgotten. Words just haven't come so easily lately. What more can I say that hasn't already been said.

I want to write but even just the effort to do so is exhausting some nights. The words stumble over each other in such a jumbled mess that's it's difficult to sort them out into something that would even make sense.

Soon and very soon, I hope to return to you.

Brain dump

I'm so tired today really needed to get some thoughts off my mind before I officially call it a night.

I was going to write a Tumblr post originally but realized that I had a lot more to write than I'd want to share on Tumblr.

Anyways, I feel so messed up when it comes to days of the week because of work. It's Friday night and I should be enjoying it but because of work, it just feels like another day. My days are just all messed up because of my schedule. My weekends are almost non-existent now. I work on Saturday (tomorrow) but then I'm off Sunday. It just messes with my mind.

I still hate work. In fact after tonight, I just want to quit so badly. I've been wanting to quit since I began working but because I don't have another job yet, I can't. It's complicated. But tonight, I'm just so done with it all. I'd rather quit than have to put up with this job any more. I'm just 100% done at this point. I'm just so fed up with it. The money isn't worth all this stress.

As it is, this job has seemed to have forced me into a depressive episode that I just can't seem to shake. I just can't stand it anymore. It seems to be causing me more problems for me mentally. I feel so tired and sore. Even after nearly 2 months of working, my lower back and my feet still tend to get extremely sore. I dread going in so much that my stomach develops knots and I start feeling sickish. My anxiety is just completely out of control and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown almost constantly.

Today was just terrible. I was already sore from the past couple days of work and today I just felt like I could barely move without feeling sore. Not to mention that I was already exhausted. I just felt like I didn't get a lot of sleep last night even though I know I did.  Then to top it all off, I just had an extremely bad headache for some reason. It just made me less willing to go in to work. I just really felt like calling in sick and staying cuddled up in my bed all day and sleep. If only I could.

My anxiety gets so bad that I start feeling a bit nauseous; like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. It happened today. I just dreading going in so much that I started feeling like I was going to be sick. I really was tempted to call in and say that I was sick just so I didn't have to go in. But I didn't and went in to work anyways. Part of me still hoped that I would get sick just so I'd have a reason to be sent home. But no.

I hate my manager so much that I honestly have gotten to the point where I wish he would just fire me. I honestly don't really care if I get written up for not doing certain things anymore. I'm just compleo tely done with him and with this job. I'm easily replaceable and really I'd rather give this job up and let someone else handle it.  I'm supposed to be "happy" and smile but honestly, I don't feel like doing either. I just feel tired and lack energy. I try to push myself to hustle like he wants but I just feel like moving slow.  It's just too much for me to deal with.  As it is, I struggle to get out of bed a lot of mornings. Partly because of how sore I am but also partly because of my depression.  I almost wish I couldn't get out of bed on days I have to work because again, it would give me a legitimate excuse not to go in.

This job just seems to have made my mental health take a downward turn. I honestly feel like it's doing more harm than good. I thought it would help me from thinking too much but that certainly isn't the case. I feel like by quitting, it would help me out a great deal. Certainly for my mental health problems it would help.
Then again, I'd be going back to what it was like before I got this job and I'm not sure which is worse at this point.

Speaking of my mental health, part of me wishes I could be in crisis just so I wouldn't have to deal with all this anymore. This was brought to my mind because I called my therapist to reschedule an upcoming session.  I left her a message and one of the things that she mentioned was about being in crisis.  I hate this job so much that I'd rather be in crisis. Thinking about that makes me feel desperate. I am desperate though. I literally want my mental health problems to be so bad that I am forced to quit in order to deal with them.  I know that sounds horrible but at this point, it's the only "out" I see for this job.  At least until I find another job; a job I'd enjoy more.  That or if I were to get fired. It's not like I would purposely try to get myself fired either.

The fact that I would rather be sick or unable to get out of bed or anything like that just so I didn't have to go in to work, says a lot. I hate thinking like this but I just can't help it. That's how much I hate it.  I'm just so miserable and there's really not much I can do about it.

Here I am a Master's graduate and I'm stuck in this job that makes me miserable. All because no one else will hire me and give me a chance. I just don't get it! What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

Out of all the girls I hung out with in middle and high school, I'm the one who went far in terms of education. None of the others went for their Master's degree. There's only one other girl who even graduated from college. She has her Bachelor's and that's it. The rest of the girls have some college but quit.

So basically I'm the most educated out of all of them and yet I'm stuck in this crappy job. They, on the other hand, seem to have jobs that they enjoy.  It's just not fair! :( Why can't I find something that I can enjoy? How did they get so lucky? When is it my turn?

I just want to give up. It's starting to feel like I won't find anything and will be stuck for a while.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Honestly, I can't take anymore but I don't see a way out of it anytime soon.

Mixed up emotions

My emotions have just been so mixed up lately and honestly, I think it's mostly due to the stress I'm under at work and how much I just can't stand the job.

I've said how I'm just not happy anymore and I'm not. I find myself in tears almost every night. Things just aren't going very well for me.

I'm downright miserable. It's like my emotions don't know what's going on.

My anxiety levels have been all out of sorts. I feel on the verge of anxiety attack far more often recently.
Today I had a moment while at Wal-Mart where I just started to feel like panicking and I just felt a bit odd for a few minutes. Like I was out of it and in a daze. I felt like crying for no apparent reason.

It passed almost as quickly as it came on.  I just tried to tell myself to calm down and take deep breaths. I also told my brain to shut up.

However, the feeling hasn't gone completely away and it hasn't in some time; the feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears. Also the feeling of just heightened anxiety.

After being off for about a week from work, when I returned last Thursday it was just like a shock to my system. I dreaded going in knowing the amount of things I had to get done.  I was on the verge of tears even before I went in.
It was only for 3 hours but even that seemed like a monumental task. Afterwards, my back and feet were so sore.

The next morning, Friday, I literally had to drag myself out of bed. I just didn't feel good mentally or physically. I guess it was my depression causing a lot of it.  I just felt awful all day.  I dreaded going in to work so much. I wasn't happy and I didn't feel like smiling at all. I just felt so tired and miserable and close to tears.

I was quiet and just not very upbeat at work. I laughed if something was funny but it felt odd. It was more forced laughter than anything. I tried really hard to put a smile on my face and seem happy but it was almost painful to do so.

Saturday wasn't much better either especially since I was woken up by a phone call from my boss at 5:30 AM. He wanted to know where the keys to the smoker were at. I had put them back but the other guy who'd come in to help me out had gone outside to check everything and he was the last to have them.  They found the keys when I'd called back. But I couldn't get back to sleep for the longest time. I finally managed to but I was still tired when I finally woke up. I was also not in the best of moods.

I don't know what's going on with my mind anymore. I don't know if my dosage is working much anymore. But then again, I don't really know what is going on. I feel close to tears almost constantly. I find myself basically crying myself to sleep far too many nights.  I have times where nothing is really triggering my anxiety and yet I'm still incredibly anxious for some reason.  I just get moments where I suddenly feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack and sometimes they are unexpected.

I just also feel tired a lot. Like I just don't get enough sleep even when I do. Especially on my days off. I feel like doing nothing but staying in bed and relaxing. I find myself feeling extremely tired in the afternoons during my days off when compared to the days I work. I also find myself having to drag myself out of bed more often.  Part of it could be due to the soreness but I'm sure it's also because I've just been extremely depressed.

I feel like my brain is just all mixed up once more. I find myself battling negative thoughts and just feeling like I'm stuck. I feel like I don't know what's going on with me anymore.  Why am I feeling so miserable? Why can't my brain just figure things out?

It's like I've gotten bad again and basically I have. It's like I'm back to where I was before I began treatment. It doesn't seem as bad but still pretty bad.

I know it's this whole job thing. The job I have and then trying to find another job and hearing nothing. I don't know how much more I can take of it all.  The whole thing is just so complicated.

I guess really though with everything going on, I really shouldn't be surprised that I'm having another "episode". Too many feelings about everything at once.

What makes it worse is that I'm basically fighting this battle alone. I don't have much support except from my online group, an anonymous chat website, and my therapist. My parent's really don't understand my struggles or mental health problems and I just feel like they aren't very supportive about the whole thing. I don't have any real friends here either. Not someone I could just call up and talk to about things. Basically I'm alone and lonely. I feel that far too much lately.

 I just am dealing with a lot right now and don't really know where to turn or what to do.  Even finding the right words seems difficult.  "I'm fine" I say when really I'm not. I'm really not fine and I haven't been.

I don't really know if any of this makes sense. I feel like once again I'm just rambling.

It could be worse

I know I've talked about this a bit on here before but I'm going to talk about it some more.

Lately, I've just been in very depressive state. It seems to be caused by the stress from my new job.
I just hate it so much. It seems to have made my mental health problems take a turn for the worse. It seems I've just gone downhill since I began working. I just don't feel happy anymore. I don't even feel like smiling.

Even when I do have rare moments of happiness, it doesn't seem genuine. I feel like I'm close to tears far too often again. I dread going to work so much that sometimes I feel like breaking down in tears.

I'm getting off subject though. What I really wanted to talk about was how despite having severe clinical depression, things could still be worse.

I'm talking about how despite having a majority of the symptoms that diagnose me as having clinical depression, there are some that I just don't have and have never really had.

I guess I just wonder why things aren't worse than they are for me.

For instance, a lot of people battle with suicidal thoughts when they are severely depressed. However, I didn't and really I still don't. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why either. Especially since I've gotten to low points where I felt like "Why bother?".  I've been to the point where I just felt everything was pointless.  There's been times where I've wanted to just disappear.

Yet despite all that, I've never really had suicidal thoughts. I've never thought of ending my life. I've certainly gotten to points where I was feeling so low yet, I could probably have but never did. It just is something that has never crossed my mind.

Another thing is that I never seemed to pick up on the idea of self-harm. Like with the suicidal thoughts, it was just something that I never considered. The idea of hurting myself on purpose with a sharp object just doesn't appeal to me and never has.

Now I'm not sure if this is do to inner strength that even I didn't know about or what. I guess I'm a fighter and stronger than I realized.

Although, recently I've been having thoughts of intentionally hurting myself just so I don't have to go in to work but I wouldn't do it. I've also had thoughts of just wishing I could reset my life but never doing something on purpose.

Sometimes I do get nervous around sharp objects when I'm in one of my moods. I guess it's just because I worry that I would hurt myself accidentally on purpose. I worry that I wouldn't be strong enough to resist despite never self-harming in the first place.

I don't know. I know I have depression and that it's pretty severe. But I guess really, things could be much worse than they already are. I'm strong and keep fighting even when I feel like giving up. Somehow, I just keep fighting. I find hope.

Yes, things are really bad at times and sure, I wish I didn't have to deal with them. Sometimes I even wonder if it would help me to check into a facility to help me out even more.

Somehow, I'm still here and still have hope. I keep fighting.

A mess of emotions

My new job is just horrible. I just downright hate it.  I dread every day I have to go in. I get knots in my stomach and feel like crying.

My manager is terrible. He rides on me so hard to get things done.

Twice last week, I broke down in tears while at work from the stress. I didn't break down in front of him though. I won't let him see.

I felt so broken down and I still feel like it. It's just been horrible. I've been wanting to quit for weeks now.

But my parents won't let me. They think this is good for me. They think if I quit now, I'll quit any time a job gets hard which is beyond true.

I just want out so badly. Every day I go in, I want to go home right away. I want to just walk out.

The job is just taking a toll on me physically and mentally.  At first, the job kept my mind distracted and busy so that I didn't think too much. However, that quickly ended. I don't feel happy anymore. I don't feel like smiling. I just feel numb. It's like the job has brought me into yet another depressive state.  I find myself breaking down in tears nearly every night after I come home. It's terrible.

Physically the job is taking a toll on me as well. I honestly don't know how much more my body can take. I'm sore all over. My lower back and both my feet are especially taking a beating. I feel like I can barely move at times. My right hand feels numb and tingly and has felt like this for several weeks now.

It's lucky I'm not triggered to self-harm. My hands and arms are just full of small cuts from who knows what exactly.   I also have a bunch of bruises on my arms and legs.  My poor hands are also suffering from the plastic gloves we are required to wear. My hands are so dry and peeling from the gloves and no amount of lotion is helping.

As for emotionally, I'm just such a mess. Take today for example, I'm off of work.  I should feel happy and relaxed and I do for the most part. However, I also feel like crying.  The release of emotions from having to keep them locked up while at work is just overwhelming. I try so hard to keep myself together while at work and try to stay strong but then it builds up and when I finally let it all out, I just feel like a mess.

It's not healthy for me to do this, but I don't have a choice.  In addition, on my days off, I just feel downright exhausted. No matter how much rest I seem to get, it never seems to be enough. I just feel so tired all the time. It's like my body just doesn't know how to react anymore.

I've been done with this job for weeks. I've been wanting out pretty much since I began.  Despite the fact that I'm young, my body is taking a toll and making me feel like I'm older than I actually am. I already had back problems before I began and now I feel like they've worsened. I also had problems with my feet before too. Putting myself and my body under this much physical activity can't be good for me either.
How much longer can my body take all this?

This job is just taking such a toll on me. I've already been broken emotionally and mentally. I get overwhelmed far too much and feel on the verge of an anxiety attack nearly every time I'm at work. My body doesn't feel like it'll take much more before it breaks down more than it already has.

I hate this job so much. I'm happier and more relaxed today because I'm not working. So that should say something.

I want this to end. I want someone else to hire me and now. I can't take anymore of this!! Please someone else hire me so I can quit!!

New Job

So I haven't posted in a while because I've been a bit busy. Or at least I've been busy for the last couple of weeks.

I started a job on the 20th. A job that I really didn't want in the first place. A job that when I found out that I'd gotten resulted in me having a bit of a breakdown. I just couldn't stop crying for very long.  My stomach felt like it was in a permanent knot that I just couldn't seem to get rid of it.

I just really didn't want the job and technically I still don't.  After only a day, I was already dreading going in the next day. I still dread going in every day. That's how much I really can't stand this job.

I'm working in the Deli department of a local grocery store. It's extremely demanding physically which is one of the reasons I didn't want the job in the first place.  At the end of each day, I've been physically sore. My feet have been especially. There hasn't been a day yet where I haven't been in some sort of pain. I'm on my feet the entire time and sometimes I don't even get a break.

The work isn't exactly difficult, just extremely demanding physically. Also it gets overwhelming at times.  As it was, I worked on Christmas Eve and nearly had an anxiety attack. Had I not taken a break when I did, I would have broken down in tears. I felt like I just couldn't do anything right and just really got overwhelmed with everything I needed to get done.

I still feel that way on a regular basis. My stomach is still in a bit of a knot at times. Especially when I'm around my boss. I get extremely nervous although I try not to show it.  My boss is a stickler for rules and things being done a certain way. It gets overwhelming try to make sure everything is done the way he wants.  I often find myself having to really keep it together around him as I could break down in tears at any moment.

Ugh. I'm just trying to make it day to day at this point. I really am just 100% done with this job. This work is beyond exhausting. I feel like I haven't had a proper day's rest in a long time.   Trying to get everything done on time is stressful.  Right now I'm working the grill area and I really don't like it. Part of my job involves cleaning the fryer and I hate it.

But what's worse is that this is only one part of the Deli area. I still have other areas that I'll have to learn and each one has it's own things that need to get done. It's overwhelming to think about and I'm really not looking forward to it.

I desperately want to quit. If only I could. It's complicated.

This whole job thing has really messed up everything. Every day feels like a normal day to me. My weekends are non-existent now.   I don't get to spend much time with my family anymore especially in the evenings. I don't get a chance to eat dinner with them anymore due to my schedule.

I'm so tired and sore when I get home that I don't feel like doing much else. I miss being able to play my video games. I also don't have a lot of time to read anymore.  I hate it.  This job is also so demanding that I don't even have much time to apply and look for other jobs.

I know I need a job so I can earn money and move on with my life but this job? I really can't stand it and I want out ASAP. The amount of work I do for the amount of money I earn, just doesn't seem worth it to me.

I've tried to give this job a chance and I have. I tried to keep an open mind going in despite not wanting it in the first place.  I did and now I'm done. I really don't like it. I'm tired of being tired and sore at the end of the day.

Yes the money is nice and it does keep my mind distracted and occupied. It keeps me from thinking too much. But at what price? This job is also taking a toll on my physically. My lower back and feet are taking the most of it. My hands have been dry and peeling from the gloves and my lips have been extremely chapped.  I'm ready to be done with this job.

I'm hoping that 2014 will be a better year for me. I want to find a job I'll be happy with.  I'm hopeful that a new job comes up for me soon so I can get out of this one.

I want out of this job so much, I'm desperate. Someone else please hire me and soon!!

Librarian Rant

Librarian

It sounds like such a simple name for someone like me. I can say that I'm a librarian because I have the degree to prove it. I have a Master's degree in Library Science (MLS). 

Just because I'm not currently employed doesn't mean I'm not still a librarian. I'm one regardless. 

However, I'm finding out that a Librarian isn't as simple sounding as I thought. At least when it comes to the general public. 

First off, not many people realize that to be an actual librarian, you have to go college and get a Master's degree. To be a true librarian, you have to have the degree. However, just because someone may not have a degree specifically for a librarian, doesn't mean they aren't librarians. 

After all, the children's librarian at my hometown public library doesn't have an MLS. She was previously a teacher at one of the local middle schools. It just depends on the library and the requirements. Most times though, an MLS degree is required. 

Also, just because someone works in a library doesn't automatically make them a librarian. I don't know how many times I got people thinking I was a librarian when I was really just a library page. Like any other job, a library has many different staff members and not everyone is a librarian. 

This assumption irritated me then and still does now. I realize that to the general public it doesn't really matter. To someone like me though, it does. 

This assumption also makes itself known in other ways too and it's extremely annoying. 

The name "Librarian" brings to mind a variety of assumptions and stereotypes. People think about librarians as being strict ladies with tight buns and glasses that go around shushing people all the time. This is far from the truth though. 

People also seem to have this idea in mind that having a degree in Library Science means you can work in any type of library. This is also not entirely true. 

Like many other fields of study, there are specific concentrations one can take or you can take just a general program. It all depends on the university and what their Library Science program is like. 

For me, my concentration is in Youth Librarianship. This program focused on training me for  "professional positions in different settings including metropolitan, suburban, and rural public libraries, community colleges and academic libraries where they can provide library services to people who teach and work with youth and youth-related information services"  

My desired placement is within a public library. That's where I'd ultimately like to be.

However, when I tell people about wanting to be a "Children's Librarian" and wanting to work with children, they automatically think of a "school librarian". When I try to explain that I can't be a school librarian, they don't understand. 

No, I don't want to be a school librarian and in most cases, I can't even if I wanted to (which I don't). Most places (although not all), require a special certification as a school librarian. For my particular university, in order to even get into the School Library Media Certification program, you had to teach in a school for at least 2 years before applying for the program. 

Yes, I do have my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. Yes, for a while, I considered being a school librarian. But that all changed. I realized I didn't want to be a school librarian and instead wanted to be more of a children's librarian in a public library. 

I still don't want to be a school librarian. At least not right now. One reason is that when I took a school library course as an elective in my degree program, it wasn't what I expected. I felt so lost in that course and just felt so out of place with everyone else. Not only that, but the professor just wasn't that great. She made me feel like I was stupid.  It just wasn't a good experience for me. 

I realize that I shouldn't let that one class get to me and make me pass up potential job opportunities. However, it does. I just want to stay away from school libraries for the time being.  Maybe later on down the road, I'll consider it but for now, I want to stay away. 

But other people don't understand this and keep pushing me to apply for school library jobs. That's all I hear. now. "Oh this place is opening a new school. You should apply to be a librarian". "Have you tried applying for this school? They have a library position available".

I'M SO TIRED OF IT!! Just because I'm a librarian and specifically a youth services librarian, doesn't automatically qualify me to be a school librarian. People don't understand the difference though. They don't understand that I just can't apply for school library positions. 

I don't qualify for most of them because many require that certification as a School Library Media which I don't have.  It's frustrating to try and explain this over and over to people.  Especially people who keep pressuring me to apply for the schools.  They don't understand and I'm frankly tired of explaining. 

I don't want to work in a school library if I had the choice to work in a public library. Similarly, I'd much rather work in a public library over an academic library if I had the choice. A public library is where I feel the most comfortable. It's where I feel like I can provide the best services. That's my focus when it comes to jobs. 

I realize it might be limiting me but that's what I want. At this point, I'm not even specifically focusing on youth services jobs in a public library. I'm just trying to get into a public library. I have even tried a couple school libraries and academic libraries without much luck. 

But I'm just tired of people pressuring me to keep applying for school libraries when it's not what I ultimately want.  

Just because I'm a librarian doesn't mean I'm qualified to work in all libraries or in all areas of a library. There's much more to being a librarian and it's much more complex than people realize. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and other things

I really couldn't come up with a good title for this blog post. As it is, I've been feeling less than motivated to do much of anything lately including writing.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year and have only written 248 words out of the goal of 50,000. I was on vacation when it began so that put me behind by about 6 days.  But then, when I returned I just couldn't get myself motivated and still can't. Now I'm extremely behind and the thought of how many words behind I am just makes me panic and less willing to do it.  Basically I've hit a mental block and just have given up at this point. I'm still going to work on my novel but only when the desire to write returns which may not happen this month.

Anyways, I've just been struggling with the desire to write lately. Struggling with a lot of things actually.  Ever since returning from our trip to Texas, I've just felt different. I'm not sure why exactly either.I'm sure part of the reason I've been feeling the way I do is because of the lack of sleep and then the time changes from the trip. However, I'm sure there are also other reasons.  It feels like it's taking me longer to recover from this trip than is normal.

Since returning, I've just felt really tired; like I don't have much energy.  I find myself just feeling like I don't get enough rest. There have been a few mornings where I just wake up feeling so tired and not wanting to get out of bed. Like I've already mentioned, I've also felt an extreme lack of motivation. I don't feel like writing or even catching up on Tumblr (although I finally did that last weekend).  I don't even have motivation to apply for jobs (not that that's very much different).  My emotions have also just felt out of control. As it was, on Monday November 4, during our trip, I woke up with my mind just racing with thoughts and I was just in tears. Throughout the day, I just felt more anxious and felt close to tears.  Since returning, I've still felt sadness and heightened anxiety and I don't understand why. I feel almost like I did before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

Which got me thinking about the possibility of having Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I can honestly say that since the weather started getting colder, I've felt as though my depression and anxiety has worsened a bit.  When I looked more into SAD , all the things I've been feeling lately certainly make sense and I'm wondering if I have it.  Of course, I don't know for sure.

I would have asked my therapist about it last week but I was unable to do. I had to end up cancelling my session due to unforeseen circumstances even though I really could have used it. I have a session this week though and hopefully she'll be able to help me figure out what's going on.

This isn't the first time the possibility of having SAD has come to my mind. I've thought about having it before back when I was in high school; during my 12th grade year especially.  That was when I was juggling working part-time at the library, taking college classes, and regular high school classes.  I remember just feeling more drained of energy and more tired when the weather started getting colder. My friends at the time, also seemed to notice as well as some other people.   I'm not sure where I thought about the term SAD but I remember hearing about it and thinking about the possibility of having it. I also remember just not feeling as happy. I didn't think too much about it at the time. I figured that maybe I was just tired from juggling everything.  

However, thinking about it now, I can see a bit of a pattern.  Even during college, I would just feel a lack of energy when the weather got colder.  My nervous breakdown happened during Fall 2009; around the time the weather started getting colder.  Last year, I started having more breakdowns and feeling just more sadness as the weather got colder. I just really fell into a depressive state and just felt worse and worse as time went on. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was exactly.

Just looking at this though, I can see a bit of a pattern that could possibly be SAD. Because I do remember feeling a bit better when the weather started getting warmer. I wouldn't feel as tired or a lack of energy. I remember just also feeling a bit happier in general. I didn't feel as though a grey cloud was hanging over me as much. Things just in general, seemed a bit better for me. Again, this makes me wonder if I have SAD in addition to Major Depressive Disorder. It really wouldn't surprise me if I did though.

It seems that ever since being officially diagnosed, I've noticed how a lot of mental health disorders tend to overlap and I'm feeling as though my problems are a lot more complicated than I originally thought. I'm finding that I possibly have other disorders that are linked with my anxiety and depression. I think I have a bit of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and perhaps I also have SAD. Like I said, hopefully my therapist will help me figure out what's going on during our session this week.

Speaking of high school, I was finally approved into the Facebook group for my High School Graduation class.  I don't know why but one night, I was looking at some of my old classmates' profiles. It was a bad idea. I felt so horrible afterwards. I looked at a lot of my classmates' pictures and almost didn't recognize some of them. Many of them look so different now. Many of them are married and/or have kids. It  made me feel awkward and a bit inferior compared to them. I look at myself and I look at them. Many of them look different than they did in high school . I look at myself and I feel like I haven't changed much at all.

I still look pretty much the same as I did in high school. I don't even really dress all that differently than I did back then. I mean, it's my style and everything but still, it doesn't make me feel much better. Yet, I know that I am different.  I'm certainly different inside. I've fought difficult battles that my classmates don't know about. Struggling with mental health issues, has changed me. I'm no longer the person I was back then.  I've experienced things that many of my classmates didn't. Such as moving away from home to attend college in a whole different state and attending grad school.

I know I'm different on the inside. I'm not the same as I was back then. I feel like back in high school, I was a different person. While I've never really been a really confident person or even extremely outgoing, I do feel like I was a bit more so back then than now. I'm not sure where exactly this all changed for me but it did.  In fact, I feel like I'm more anxious about things now than I was back then.

In fact, back when I was in high school, I was quite involved with things at church. I was in the Youth Group choir and was an Alter Server.  I even played piano for the choir.  While I got nervous performing, I still did it. Now, some of the church members who have known me for years, have asked me to help out while I'm here. I've been asked to be a Eucharistic Minister and also a Lector. Honestly though, I don't want to do either.

I've already been having a complicated relationship with my religion but besides that, thinking about helping out and being up there with all these people watching me and counting on me, is just making me extremely anxious. Just taking up the Offeratory gifts to the alter makes me nervous now. Thinking about being up on the alter now, just makes me extremely anxious and not want to do it.

Things have changed for me. I'm now more anxious about things that I wasn't nearly as anxious about before. It's strange and I don't really understand it.  Being on the alter singing with the choir and being an alter server, didn't really bother me back then. Now just thinking about being up there, is enough to make me nervous.

I don't know what is going on with my mind anymore. It would be nice if it could just make sense for once.

Sometimes I still wish that I had an explanation for my depression and anxiety.  I know someone who also has depression but there's was brought on by grief. Mine doesn't have an explanation like that; it just happened.

I wish things were that simple to figure out. I wish my mind would just make sense.

I keep searching for answers that I'll probably never find and I don't even know why I'm still looking for them.

Stuffed friends

Ok, I'll admit it. I still sleep with a stuffed animal. In fact, I sleep with several stuffed animals on my bed. I have a fairly good size collection.

There's one stuffed animal in particular that I tend to sleep with more than others though and that's my Watercolor bunny named "Splash". I made her last year at Build-A-Bear soon after I had my appendectomy. It was my first build and I was such a little kid making her. I was so happy and excited. I had a lot of fun!

Now I have a collection here at my parents house with me. 5 of the animals are my own builds, 1 virtual build (I purchased her online); 1 is a build that my nephew made for me; the rest, I've adopted from thrift stores.  I have several small fry animals which are mini versions of Build-A-Bear animals. I also have several Build-A-Bear friends in storage.

I can't help it. I love stuffed animals. They're very comforting to me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health issues. Any time I feel sad or anxious, I hug my animals and it helps me feel a lot better.

Ever since I was diagnosed, I noticed that I tend to gravitate more toward my stuffed animals. I find myself feeling the need to cuddle with them more.

There's just something about a stuffed animal that makes everything better for me. I guess when I think about it, it's a connection to my childhood and feeling comforted by a stuffed friend.

When I was younger, I had a small doll that rattled and called her "Rattle Baby". I had her for the longest time. She was well loved and I eventually had to put her away because she was just getting too worn out. I got another stuffed friend. A white rabbit that I named "Fluffy". It was a rabbit that I had gotten around the time my older brother moved away to Florida. The rabbit was a fairly big size and once again, I had it for the longest time.  I added more stuffed friends to the mix: a bean bag cat, a Tweety Bird, a small elephant I'd won as a prize from Peter Piper and named "Lucky". I eventually put all the others away and went back to just my rabbit. It got to the point where I had to put my rabbit away too.

There were times I didn't sleep with any stuffed friends. And for quite some time.  But eventually I started seeking comfort again and went back to sleeping with a stuffed friend.

Especially last year;my last semester of graduate school, when I started feeling really down and sinking into a depressive state. I needed comfort and I didn't have anyone. I was alone. I didn't have any friends and I was away from home.  So I turned to my stuffed animals.

I found comfort in them. They helped me not feel so alone. They comforted me during the nights when the tears just wouldn't stop falling.  They help me feel calmer when my anxiety was just going crazy.

My stuffed friends still do that for me. So what if I'm an adult. For me, my stuffed friends are therapeutic They help me deal with my anxiety and depression. In some ways, they help me fight it. They help me battle my inner demons and make me feel stronger and not so alone.

My stuffed friends help me feel truly safe and make me feel comfortable about my mental health struggles. They are the only other ones who have been there for me besides my therapist.

I still have my bad days but I seek comfort in knowing that just hugging my stuffed bunny or any of my other friends, can make me feel better.  My stuffed friends have become a big part of my recovery process. I know my collection of stuffed friends has grown since being diagnosed but yet, each one of them is important to me.

If anyone reading this also struggles with depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue, I encourage you to find a stuffed animal or another comfort object. Something that makes you feel "safe" and "secure". Sometimes I feel it's the only thing I need to feel better.

I'm not ashamed of it either and neither should anyone else be. If you need something to help you feel better, then go for it.

Flashback

I was browsing Facebook like one does when I saw a group suggestion for Alamogordo High School 2006; my graduating class. So I decided to check it out and ended up sending a join request.

I feel crazy for even sending the request since I'm sure not I want to be in contact with all these people. Not because all these people were mean to me or anything, just that I feel weird. 

On the plus side, I did discover that I'm not the only classmate who is still single and without kids. Although, many of the others that are single are guys. Still though, it makes me feel better knowing this. 

So then for some reason, I started thinking back to my memories from high school and middle school. I just started feeling very nostalgic. This lead to me thinking about the song "Never Give Up on the Good Times" by the Spice Girls.  

I'm not sure why either. Just a random thing I guess. 

Anyways, that's not what I even wanted to talk about. 

Seeing pictures of my classmates in this group got me thinking back to my memories of middle school and high school. It just brought back memories. 

I'll be honest though, I feel like I have a lot of memories that weren't exactly pleasant and those are the memories that tend to come up first when I look back.  When I think back, I feel like I have more unpleasant memories than pleasant ones. 

Middle school and high school weren't exactly difficult for me but they also weren't especially great either. Middle school was especially hard for me. Still though, I made it through relatively unscathed. 

I don't know. I guess I just worry what my other classmates remember about me and that's why I'm anxious about joining this group. I wasn't popular or anything. I was just me. I was nerdy and was just mostly nice person. I helped a lot of people in class with assignments because that's just who I was. 

Yet, I don't feel like I'm someone people would remember exactly. I wasn't someone who stood out.  In fact, many people made fun of me including people I thought were my friends. 

Even the classmates I am Facebook friends with I still feel awkward with. I don't even know what I'd say to them if I saw them in real life.  I really don't talk to anyone anymore. 

I just feel so distanced from everyone I grew up with. I feel like I've changed but at the same time not. I don't look very much different from when I was in high school.  

I guess in a way, I also feel inferior to my classmates even though I've accomplished more than many of them. I have a Master's degree and attended college out-of-state. I went straight to college after graduating from high school. I never took a break.

I'm also still single and without kids. I'm also without a job of any sort. So yeah, while I've accomplished what I've wanted, part of me does tend to compare myself to my classmates and not feel as great. 

I know I shouldn't compare myself and I should be proud of my accomplishments and I am. However, sometimes I just feel like I did nothing in my life if that makes any sense.

I've often said that when it comes time for my 10 year high school reunion, I'm not even sure I'd go to it. It all depends really. Especially since I don't feel that close to anyone really anymore. I don't even know who I'd talk to or hang out with if I did decide to go. Plus, with my social anxiety, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. I'd likely end up feeling so awkward and so out of place that I'd just end up not going.  Plus how many people would really remember me?

As it was, my Senior year of high school, I wasn't really at the high school all that much.  I was already taking college courses at the community college.  I missed out some things because I wasn't at  the high school for them. For instance, I missed out on the big Senior class photos. It did bother me a little bit but I got over it pretty quickly.

 The 2nd semester of my Senior year, I was hardly at the high school. I had 3 college classes plus I had requested 4th hour off. I was an aide for the guidance office and had maybe one actual high school class. I did make sure to participate in as many activities as I could though since it was my last year of high school but  basically, I was ready to move on to bigger and better things.

I'm not sure how I'll even feel if I get accepted to this Facebook group. I really don't know if I really want to be accepted.  Does anyone even care about me or remember me? Why would they really?   

Brain Dump

A bunch of thoughts on my mind tonight and a lot of feelings about them which really isn't uncommon for me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health problems. But I figured a brain dump post was in order to get them off my mind. So here you are. 

First off, I once again experienced some heightened anxiety tonight while at Saturday evening service.  My mom and I were asked to take the offertory gifts up to the alter tonight. I felt anxiety after we were asked but I was quickly able to calm myself.  Then another family sat next to us. I've never really been a big fan of people sitting next to me; strangers I mean. It definitely heightens my anxiety whenever this happens.  So I was even more anxious but once again, it passed. Everything seemed fine for the most part. The thing is though is that once again, I just felt a bit out of it. This has been happening a bit more often lately and I'm not entirely sure why.  But everything seemed to be ok in general. Even taking up the offertory gifts was not too bad. At least not until after we were heading back to our seats.  That's when my anxiety just shot up. I felt like I could just break down in a panic attack. But I didn't. Inside I felt extremely anxious but I just tried to relax and breathe deeply. Just try and calm myself down as much as possible and it seemed to work. I still felt pretty anxious for a bit though. 

The whole thing about it is that I don't get why I was so anxious. I used to do things like this without a second thought. Yet now, it seems like I get anxious with all sorts of things and I don't always understand.  It usually comes as a shock to me whenever I get anxious for no apparent reason.  But it's just something I'm learning to deal with. 

Speaking of religion, I'm still having conflicted thoughts on my relationship with my religion. I mean I still believe in God and what my religion says for the most part. But lately, I've just felt more and more distanced. I don't feel like my faith is nearly as strong anymore. I've felt this way for a while now; pretty much since I've been struggling with mental health issues.   To be honest, I have times where I really just don't feel like going to church services that week.  When I was living away from home, it was my decision if I went or not. But now that I'm living back home with my parents, I feel like I don't really have a choice but to attend.  I just feel like I'm not as interested in my faith so much anymore. 

I've said before how I've never really been an overly religious person and I'm still not. But lately, I feel even less so. If I could, I probably wouldn't attend services as often.  Right now though, I don't have that choice. At least I don't feel like I do.  Like I said, the whole thing is just complicated. 

Another thing that's been on my mind is this upcoming family reunion on my mom's side of the family. I'm not too thrilled about it. I'm happy to be getting away from my hometown for a bit but I'm not exactly thrilled to see relatives. The thing is that I'm the youngest of the first cousins and have always been. I was the last of the grandchildren. This reunion is with the cousin's and aunts and uncles from my grandfather's side of the family. My mom's side of the family is pretty large and this is the first family reunion in about 15 years. I was a lot younger at the last one.  

The thing is that I'm not exactly thrilled to be going and seeing all these relatives. First of all, being the youngest of the first cousins mean's that I'm pretty much on my own. There's 11 years difference between me and the next youngest cousins. There might be some other cousins but chances are that they'll either be way older than me or way younger than me. So regardless, I'm alone.  

Then there's the fact that because I'm the youngest, I'm also the only one not married and with a family. Not that that's a big deal. Just stating another fact. 

But the biggest thing is that I'm also the furthest away and have always been. My other cousins and relatives have all lived fairly close to one another. Because of this, they always spent a lot of time together. I've always felt like an outsider and I still feel that way a lot.  I hate feeling this way but it feels like that's just who I'm destined to be. I've almost always felt like an outsider. Too young to really interact with my older cousins and too old to really interact with some of my second and third cousins. Just an outsider. 

Then there's some family issues with my mom's siblings that I'm not exactly looking forward to. I'm going to have to be civil and most likely talk to them but I'm not exactly comfortable about the idea.   Basically, I'm not looking forward to the reunion much. I'm not sure what I'm even going to be doing. Most likely I'm just going to be attempting to make conversation and spending most of my time reading a book or working on my novel.  Alone as usual. *sigh*  It's just hard to be excited about spending time with relatives that I don't exactly know that well. 

I had a couple random memories pop into my head tonight involving some old "friends" of mine back when I was younger. One memory I have is that one of my "friends" would secretly steal something of mine as a joke and then laugh whenever I freaked out over it.  This happened a couple times when I was in middle school. I never found it funny. It was usually something small but whenever I'd notice it was gone and then ask my friends about it, they'd deny it and then laugh. I didn't find it funny at all. It was a mean prank to me and whenever I told my "friends" how mean it was, they'd get defensive and say I ruined their joke by taking it so seriously. I had a sense of humor but this wasn't something I found very funny. 

Another random memory that popped up in my mine involved sleepovers with some of my "friends".  More than once, I fell victim to being the one that would fall asleep first and then the other girls would play tricks on me. I hated it every time. What's even worse is that more than once my "friends" would convince me that they weren't going to do anything and I believed them. But they still would do things to me.  I tried so hard and so many times to stay awake but I just couldn't do it.  I remember once getting so angry with the others because I had to get up and volunteer at the library the next morning and they weren't letting me get sleep. 

Once again, they thought what they were doing was funny and I didn't. I'll admit that had I not been the victim at these sleepovers, I probably would have been a participated in playing tricks on another girl. But it never ended up that way.  It's not as fun when you're the one being tricked.

I guess in their eyes, I wasn't very "fun". I was different and I know they thought I was weird. Yet, they still invited me to do things with them. Granted, I was usually the last resort but still.  I guess I've just never been much of a person who likes being tricked even if it's just for fun.  

Thinking of this just now, made me remember how one of my teacher's played an April Fool's Day trick on us by giving us a hard test and saying it was a big part of our grade. I fell for it and got so upset that I was in tears because I couldn't do it. I felt even worse when told it was just a trick. 

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a gullible person and I do take things a little too seriously at times. But that's just how I am. I'm not as bad as I was when I was a child but still sometimes I don't always know when people are teasing or joking with me and take it seriously.

Speaking of my "friends" and tricks, I remember another time when they had me sit in a chair and covered my head with a blanket. It was all part of a "mind" game/trick.  They had me imagine I was in a hot desert and I needed to cool down. What item would I take off first? I said the blanket but that wasn't the answer they were looking for. So I remember taking off each item of clothing one by one thinking it was the answer until finally I had nothing left and my friends finally took off the blanket. They told me that the blanket was a hat and I was supposed to say hat. I of course didn't know that so here I was without any clothes on and feeling extremely exposed and awkward. Also angry with them. 

Now that I think about it, my "friends" were never really nice to me and it seemed as though they loved to play tricks on me because they knew how upset I'd get. It's like they did it on purpose. I mean, I did eventually realize that these girls were never really my "friends" but when I was younger, I didn't really know better. It's really no wonder why I have trouble making friends even now. After everything I went through growing up. I was basically a "joke" to those girls. I was the one they chose to pick on and leave outside of things.  

I still feel like an outsider a lot and I still struggle to feel like part of a group. I guess it now makes sense why. 

So those are all the thoughts that have been on my mind. At least the thoughts I've had today.  

That's the problem with having depression and anxiety and not having a whole lot to distract me. I tend to think too much which isn't good. My therapist pointed this out to me. I need to keep busy and distracted in order to keep my mind from thinking too much. I don't really have that right now. I'm working on it but it's a difficult process. 

So many thoughts....

The future scares me

I know it's ridiculous to think about this now but honestly the future scares me. Sometimes I just start thinking about things and start thinking about my future and what it will be like.

I think about things like marriage and children and honestly the thought makes me freak out a bit.

As far as I can remember, I've wanted to get married and have children.  I mean that's one of the things a lot of girls want when they grow up.

Yet, now I'm not so sure anymore. I've never been in a relationship before.  Not once. The thought of even dating freaks me out somewhat. I know what type of guy I'm interested in but still, I'm nervous about even the thought of someone finding me attractive.

Then there is the idea of meeting "the one" and getting engaged and then married.  It does make me anxious.

Then when it comes to having children. The whole thing freaks me out far too much thinking about it. I don't know if I could handle it.  I look at some of my old high school friends/classmates who have children and wonder if I could ever be like them.

Then there's the bad side. What if things didn't go well with a pregnancy of mine? Would I be able to handle the pain of grief? I think about a friend of mine who went through this and I worry about me.

I can't even seem to handle things in life as it is. What if something like this were to happen and sent me to my breaking point again? I don't know if I could handle something like this.

Then there's the thought of my nephew. He's already 15 and he's the only child my brother and sister-in-law are going to have. That's it.  If and when I finally do have children, he will be so much older than his cousins. I think about that and I don't know if I'd want that for him.

I've talked about my thoughts on these things here before.

Sometimes I wonder what if? What if I don't end up finding "the one" and getting married? What if I decided not to have children? Would it be so bad?  It's certainly a possibility.

I don't know. I guess really, I don't feel like I can handle being an adult to be honest.   I can barely seem to handle my own life right now as it is.

Things can happen and I might feel differently about them when they do. But for now, it freaks me out too much.

Therapists

Can we just talk about how lucky I've been to have some wonderful therapists?

I have been lucky that most of my therapists have been pretty good. There was only one that didn't quite work out but I was able to find someone else.

All of my therapists have been nice and kind and I've felt comfortable with them. Even when my therapists were just counselor's at the Counseling Center, they were nice and I felt like they had my best interests at heart. The 2 therapists I had at the Psychology Clinic were pretty good too despite being in training doctoral candidates.

But by far, the best therapist I've ever had has been my current therapist. She is just great. She was the first one to diagnose me with depression and anxiety. She was basically the first one besides myself to figure out that I needed something more to help with my problems.

I'm not saying the other therapists were incompetent or horrible because they weren't.  They just probably didn't see the signs early enough. Because when I first started, things really weren't as bad as they got later.

Depression is hard to diagnose so it's not really surprising that it took so long to figure out that's what I had.
I just know that when I first went to see my therapist, she was quickly able to figure out that's what I had.
By then, I already figured that I needed more help than just counseling.

My therapist is just so wonderful. I am really grateful to have found her. She's the only person I feel understands me and can understand all my struggles. She helps me figure things out and just helps me feel better in general  about things.  She's also the person who can help me get my emotions all sorted out.

I just feel so fortunate to have found her especially in a small town like this.  I'm already concerned though about when I have to move away somewhere else.  It's not that I'm worried about starting over with someone else, because I've done that before. I'm more concerned that I won't find someone as great as her.

I know I'm just rambling now but I just really feel strongly about my therapist and am so thankful for what she has done. This  is why I wrote this post; to show my appreciation for all she's done.

So Thank You.

Let's talk about mental illness

So this past week, Monday, there was yet another tragic shooting in the United States. This is only the latest in what is turning out to be a series of unfortunate events. In order to avoid triggering events, I'm not going to get into detail about any of the events nor do I find it necessary to do so. If someone really wants to know more, feel free to search the web.

But one thing that all these events have in common is the people that caused them. No one really knows or understands why these people did what they did, but one thing seems to be a common factor among each of these individuals: they all are sufferers of some form of mental illness. At least that is what many in the media are saying about the individuals. 

All the individuals involved in these events have suffered from some sort of mental episode at some point or another. As tragic as these events have been, there is a bit of a positive side to them. Because these individuals have been said to have been suffering from some form of mental illness, it has opened communication about mental health. 

People are now talking about mental health more and what can be done to help individuals such as these. For the longest time, no one talked about mental health. It was kept quiet.  Now it's being brought out into the open. People are bringing more attention to mental health. They are talking about it more and advocating for it.

It's tragic that such events had to take place in order for mental health to be talked about but if changes happen that help avoid such events in the future, then that's the positive thing.  

Although I do have to admit, whenever the media talks about mental health in relation to these events, they seem to give it a negative connotation. They seem to speak negatively about mental illness. In a way, events such as these, give a negative view to mental health. These events don't explain all mental illnesses though. But because of these events, people feel that this is what people suffering from mental illness are all like. 

Events such as the one that took place on Monday paint a negative picture surrounding mental illness. People get the wrong idea about mental illness. They see these individuals and start to believe that anyone who suffers from a mental illness is like them. 

Those of us who suffer from mental illnesses know that this is far from the truth.  While yes, there are some people with mental health issues who go to the extremes but that's not all of us.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness does not mean you are someone who wants to go on a killing spree or hurt people.   Not everyone who has clinical depression wants to end their own life.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone who suffers from the same illness. Not everyone experiences a mental illness in the same way or even has the same symptoms.

As you know, I have clinical depression. I also have anxiety. I was officially diagnosed back in March. However, if you were to see me, you wouldn't know it right away.  I don't look any different from any other individual. I look fine.

And that's also where the whole thing of having an invisible illness comes in. Just because you don't look like you're sick, people don't believe you are sick.  But that's doesn't make it any less real. Those of us who are suffering, often suffer in silence because of this. Those of us who need help, feel helpless because people don't understand.

The only people who really understand, are the ones who have suffered themselves. That's when you truly understand what it's like to be depressed or anxious.  For those of us that suffer, every day is a struggle.

We fight each and every day to go about our lives like a normal, functional human being. We fight to keep going on our bad days.  We are fighters.

Believe me, it's hard. Having to put on a mask of sorts and pretend that you aren't miserable inside. Having to fight against your symptoms. Having emotions that you can't always explain to others.

I don't always know why I feel sad or why certain things cause me anxiety when they shouldn't.  But the fact that I get up and try to go about my life like normal, is a battle I face everyday. Somehow I keep going even though it seems hopeless at times.

A couple months after I was diagnosed, I went and saw the movie Iron Man 3. I was so excited to see this new Marvel movie after seeing the first 2. What I didn't expect, was to see Tony Stark being so human and relating to it.

Iron Man 3 takes place after the events in The Avengers. What happened in that movie, had a great impact on Tony Stark because he begins having panic attacks. When this first happened in the movie, it surprised me. Because I could relate to Tony. I knew the feeling.

I almost broke down crying because it just hit so close to home for me. To see a "hero" be so human. I was still relatively new to my diagnoses. I was still coming to terms with what having clinical depression and anxiety meant for me. Seeing this made me feel better. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone. It made me feel like I too could be Iron Man.

For me, Iron Man 3 was so much more than probably what a lot of moviegoers saw.  For me, in some ways, I saw myself.  I saw a movie that brought a mental illness to light and give it a powerful meaning.

I saw a movie that brought what anxiety is like in a very real way.  It brought to life what a mental disorder is really like. For that, I'm glad.  This gives me something to use in conversations with people when explaining my mental illnesses.

That's the thing about mental health. We need to talk about it more. Break the stigma surrounding it. If we talked about it more, then more people wouldn't be so afraid to ask for help. If we talked more about it, we could prevent horrible shooting tragedies from happening.

We take care of our physical health so why shouldn't we take care of our mental health?

I was strong enough to reach out and get help. Not everyone is like that though. So if you or someone you know is having a difficult time, please encourage them to get help. Don't let them suffer any longer than they need to.

You don't have to be alone in suffering.  If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll listen.

Why do these tears come at night?

"If there is nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"- Britney Spears, Lucky

I know you are probably tired of me talking about my mental health problems; my anxiety and depression. I can't help it though. This is my daily life now. For how long? Even I don't know the answer to that.

Since being diagnosed, I deal with this on a daily basis. I struggle with mental illness and it's just how it is.

I may not be dealing with this forever but I don't know that.  I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

The song lyric at the beginning describes my feelings recently. If nothing is wrong, then why do I still experience sadness? Why do the tears still come? Why do things still feel like they could be better than they are?

I got back from my therapy session earlier this afternoon. One of the things mentioned last week that we talked about today was about increasing my antidepressant dosage.

My therapist thinks I still need a bit of an increase and she convinced me that I need one too. I mean, I'm not against it but at the same time I guess I am.

I'm still struggling more than I probably should be. As my therapist told me, I still seem to be a bit teary and she's right. In addition to me feeling teary and unexplained bouts of sadness, my anxiety has been all out of sorts lately.  I guess I really do need another increase.

My therapist and I also talked about how long I've been suffering from depression and it's probably longer than even I thought. I know I've been suffering for at least a year.  Perhaps even longer.

I've been in and out of counseling for over a year. When I first began, I don't think I was really suffering from depression. I certainly have anxiety issues and have known that for some time. However, it wasn't as bad as it has gotten.

Counseling helped but not as much. Things still weren't that great. As it was, a friend of mine pointed out that I might need something more than just counseling. She was the first to suggest this and she turned out to be right. At the time I didn't really think much about it. Soon after being diagnosed and starting my antidepressant, I remembered what my friend had said.

Things certainly have improved. Yet, like I said, I still have moments of unexplained sadness and moments of heightened anxiety. Prior to being officially diagnosed, I couldn't seem to make it through a therapy session without breaking down in tears all the time. I didn't really understand what was going on with me.

I still get a bit teary during my sessions now but things aren't as bad as they were. I'm no longer breaking down completely in tears like I was.  Things were a lot worse than they are now.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't seem to keep myself from breaking down during my therapy sessions. Now I know.

As for my dosage having to be as high as it is, my therapist told me that I was probably at a really low place for a long time and because of that, it's going to take me a longer time to adjust and find the right dosage for me. It's going to take a longer time for me to finally begin recovering.

Also because my life isn't as settled as my brother's is right now, I'm under more stress and therefore, my depression is worse. I'm taking a higher dosage than he is.

Another thing my therapist said is that people who are under chronic stress are more likely to develop depression. That seems like what happened to me. I get stressed fairly easily and I don't handle it well. I'm a bit of a perfectionist,I'll admit.

I'm working on it but I know it's because of this that I stress out so much. So perhaps I did somehow develop depression partly because of that. Then again, I think I'm just someone who was more susceptible for various reasons.

I try so hard to hide my sadness especially from my parents. I just don't want them to worry about me more than necessary. I know they just want to help and want me to be happy. But this is my battle; my struggle.
They mentioned too that I still seem a bit teary to my therapist when they talked to her. So perhaps, I'm not hiding it as well as I thought.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling teary and feeling like breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I'm tired of my anxiety being high and not having a specific cause.

It's a trial and error process to find the right dosage and even to be diagnosed. Depression isn't that simple.

 "How do you know when you have it?"

The thing is, you don't really know and it's not that simple to diagnose either because each person can experience it differently. It's a complex mental illness.

I just hope I can get things sorted out soon.

Where is my happiness?

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm just so done with it all.

Look, I understand that being diagnosed with a mental illness is no easy thing. I know that it takes time to understand it and to come up with a plan for recovery.

Yet, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. I still feel like things could be better.

I was diagnosed back in March as having depression although, I've been suffering for at least a year. I also have anxiety which is not uncommon. A lot of people who have depression also have anxiety. 

I'm glad to finally have an answer to explain why I'm feeling this way but still it's not easy to explain to people. It's not easy to explain to people you have an illness that is invisible. They don't understand why some things are difficult for you to do.  

My parents don't quite understand although after meeting with my therapist last week, I feel they understand a little bit more than they did before. 

I don't know. I guess I just feel I should be at a much better place by now and I am. However, I also feel things could be even better than they are. It frustrates me sometimes that I'm still struggling. 

I'm impatient I'll admit. I want things to get better faster for my sake and so that I can get back to a sense of normalcy again. Yet, I also understand that because I've suffered for quite some time, things just won't be that easy. That for me, my recovery is going to take quite a while. 

I understand that I'm still going to have my ups and downs; there will still be bad days.  Yet, I'm tired. 

Here I am again tonight feeling sadness and heightened anxiety. I feel like breaking down in tears. There's no reason to explain any of this. 

I know I'm entitled to still feel this way but it's frustrating. I get upset with myself and my brain. I just want to feel happy again. Truly happy. Sometimes I feel I'll never feel that again. 

I feel happiness but then nights like tonight happen and I don't really know anymore. I get days where my anxiety levels are high and I get anxious in situations that I hadn't gotten anxious in before. 

My therapist and I are supposed to discuss my antidepressant dosage at our session tomorrow.  That's one thing that she mentioned at the end of last week after she finished talking to my parents.  

I understand that it also takes time to find the right dosage but it's also frustrating that I haven't found it yet. I think I do but then I have several nights where I feel my anxiety and depression more. That's when it makes me question if my dosage is correct.  

I've already had to up my dosage a couple times. I started off taking only 50mg and things starting improving a bit. After a couple of weeks I moved to 75mg. It seemed that 75mg was going to be fine especially as that was the dosage my brother is also taking. But then my therapist felt that things could still be better. A few more weeks later, I was upped to 100mg and that's where I've been since. 

I'm certainly in a better place than I was prior to beginning my antidepressant. I felt that 100mg was working just fine and I still feel like it is. However, now I'm not sure.

I've been feeling extremely anxious for the past few nights as well as feeling like breaking down in tears. I don't understand what's really going on. In a way, I'm feeling like I've gone backwards in terms of my recovery. In addition to my symptoms being worse than usual, I've noticed I've lost a bit of interest in things. 

Of course there has been a few things going on lately that have added stress to me which I'm sure hasn't helped. It's just been hard to feel like I'm truly getting better when I'm still under a lot of stress and pressure from family. Then again, I also feel like if it wasn't for this stress, I wouldn't know just how bad my mental health issues truly were. 

The thing is that part of me is a bit resistant to upping my dosage again. I feel like maybe I need a little more time to see. But then again, I've already been on this dosage for over a month now and things should be better than they are.  

I just feel that my dosage is already high. I guess I didn't realize just how much I was struggling. My mom commented that my dosage seems high when she asked me. I don't know. I guess it is a bit high and it certainly makes me feel a bit awkward that my dosage is higher than my older brother.

I mean, I know my brother is bad but I didn't think I was worse than he was. I guess I was wrong. Then again, depression is different for each person that has it. My struggles are certainly different than his. 

I guess it just takes some time to figure everything out. But I'm impatient. I'm tired. I just want to feel like a normal person again. Or as normal as I can be. I know that I'll probably never be "normal" in a sense but at least get to a point where I'm not feeling like I am tonight. 

I just wish my mind could sort itself out. 

Forgiven but not forgotten

Yesterday, my parents and I went to church for Sunday morning service.  Normally we go on Saturday evenings but we had other commitments during that time.

I happened to see a girl who was a Sunday school classmate of mine and who graduated high school the same year I did. Now this girl used to make fun of me. Yes, at Sunday school. She would say things that made me feel bad.

Eventually though, the girl stopped being mean to me apologized but it was too late. I could never trust her again. I couldn't feel comfortable around her ever again. She made me nervous still.

Even though we are both adults now, I can never forget what she did to me. I've mostly forgiven her but still harbor bad feelings because of what she did to me.  It's hard sometimes for me to be nice to her when I'd rather not be. I still feel like avoiding her.

This isn't the first time I've been picked on by others. I used to be picked on when I was going the Recreation Center.

I eventually grew to learn the names of my main tormentors. We didn't go to the same Elementary school but we did go to the same middle and high schools. I remembered them and how mean they had been to me.
They didn't really remember me. Still though, bad memories and feelings toward them remained.

I do forgive these people but at the same time, I can't forget what they did to me. I'm generally nice to them although part of me feels like I shouldn't be because of what they did to me.

They hurt me and made me feel miserable. They contributed to my lack of confidence and having trouble trusting people.

I can forgive them but I will never forget what they did.

A nagging feeling...

Something a bit strange has been going on with me. It's been on my mind since Thursday and I just can't put my finger on what it is that is bothering me. 

On Thursday, my parents and I went out of town to Las Cruces to pick up my new replacement laptop from Best Buy. It didn't take very long for me to get my new laptop and since it was close to lunchtime, we decided to have lunch at Si Senor. After lunch, we headed to the mall to walk around for a bit and window shop. 

At one point, I decided to check out Hot Topic and let my parents go ahead. I wasn't in the store very long but my parents were quite a ways ahead when I got out. I was passing by a cart and just looking around when the salesperson stopped me.  He said I had dropped something and I thought I actually had. It turns out it was just a cheesy thing to get me to talk to him. I "had dropped my beautiful smile". I laughed it off and was going to keep walking but he started talking to me and I didn't know how. 

He introduced himself to me and got me to sit down while he talked about the product he was selling. He wasn't mean or anything about it. To be honest he was charming and I know that's what got me. The product he was selling was a facial cleaner and he demonstrated what it did. In my mind, I was just wondering how soon I could tell him I wasn't interested and get away. 

Finally he got to talking about the deal he was offering that day and luckily I had an excuse. I told him I would be interested but I couldn't take his offer today because I didn't have the funds for it. I told him I was a student and trying to find a job. I thanked him for the information and apologized and I was finally free to go. 

But afterwards, I got this nagging feeling. I was also upset with myself for letting myself get worked into this. I just couldn't get it off my mind and I still can't. 

It finally occurred to me what it was about this situation that was bothering me. It was triggering for me. It brought back the memories of what happened to me. Briefly but still. I couldn't help but relate it to that. I was taken advantage of and I had let someone take advantage of me because I was too nice. 

That's the problem. I'm too nice and polite to say no. I let myself get talked into having the sales guy demonstrate his product to me. It was stupid and I regret it despite the fact that nothing bad happened.  

I still can't get off my mind. This has triggered bad memories for me. Not horribly but still. 

It makes me feel as though I have extremely low self-esteem and can be easily charmed by a guy telling me how pretty I am. Because that's what seemed to have happened. I'm too nice and polite to people at times and I know that's part of my problem.It makes me vulnerable.

I thought I was pretty good about letting people know I wasn't interested but I guess in reality, I'm not as good. 

 I've tried to shake this feeling and what happened but I'm having trouble doing so.  I don't really get why something this simple is making me feel the way I am. 

But then again, perhaps I do get why at the same time. 

Early warning signs

The more I think about things like my childhood and growing up, the more I realize that perhaps there were early signs that could have led me to where I am now. Things that I never thought about before.

I've always felt as though my childhood was mostly happy. I felt like I was a happy child. I had struggles like any normal child but I felt I survived things ok.

I struggled to make friends. I was left out of things and picked on because I was thought to be "different". I was the weird girl; more studious than many of my so called "friends". I was definitely nerdy and am proud of that fact.

Yet despite all that, I still feel as though my childhood was mostly positive. So how did I end up with depression and anxiety at age 25?

I know I've almost always tended to be more of an emotional type of person. I've mention how the other kids labeled me as a "Crybaby" and how I hated it. But I was emotional. I still am and sometimes I hate that I am.

Still though, I wouldn't think that would be any reason for me to be the way I am now and perhaps not.

The more I think about things though, the more I realize that perhaps there were signs that I recognize now that I wouldn't have back then. Things that seemed normal at the time.

For one thing, looking back on it, I guess I could say that I suffered from a bout of depression during 8th grade.I felt like I was constantly between fights with my friends and I hated it. I also was left out a lot with some of my friends when it came to things. 8th grade was just basically a struggle for me.

I turned to writing a lot during this time. I wrote stories and poetry to express how I felt. Several times that year, I went to the counselor because I was just so frustrated and tired. A couple times, I felt like I just wanted to disappear just so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I didn't want to hurt myself in any way but it certainly worried some of my friends when I told them that.  I thought I was happy but maybe I wasn't really.  Especially looking back on it now. Perhaps I did have some depression. I just know that during this time and continuing during 9th grade, I wrote a lot of poetry and felt so alone.

Then there's my anxiety. I guess I was a bit of a scaredy cat as a child.  I've never really been one that likes to go out of my comfort zone very much. I'm not even a thrill seeker. As it is, when I went to Disney World for the first time when I was 6, I was scared to go on many of the rides. When we went to the water park a few summers later, I was scared to go on the water rides. I still get anxiety over some things. When we went to Wet N' Wild last summer, I was anxious about going on some of the rides at first. I was more nervous than excited even though once I went on the ride, I was generally fine.

I guess my anxiety has been around longer than I think. It just sort of escalated to the point it is now.
My therapist agreed with me when I mentioned this to her. I thought my anxiety was a relatively new thing but perhaps not.  I wouldn't have thought about it.

I'm not saying any of this has anything to do with my mental health struggles now but perhaps they were early signs.  I'm sure there are many things that could have contributed to things being the way they are now.  Perhaps I was just more susceptible for one reason or another.

Mental health struggles don't always make sense. Mine certainly are more complicated than I originally thought.