If there's one piece of advice I would give to freshmen college students, I would probably tell them to explore their options more. Don't settle on a degree plan right at the beginning unless you're absolutely sure it's what you want to do in life. Don't settle for what you think you might want to focus on. Explore your options. If something interests you even a little bit, take a class in it if you can.
If I had listened more to this advice myself I probably would have been happier. I probably would have known not to make some of the choices I did. Perhaps I wouldn't feel as though my undergraduate degree is almost pointless.
I've recently been thinking about how I feel as though I didn't really explore my options in college. I didn't really branch out and explore other possible interests.
Then again I feel as though I really didn't have that option. I didn't really have a chance to explore that much.
When I began attending college, I didn't really know what I wanted to go for. I thought I was interested in Forensic Science and that's what I originally focused on. But I also thought perhaps just some sort of science field. At one point growing up, I'd been interested in being a Dentist and for the longest time I thought that's what I wanted to do. But then I learned just how much schooling was involved; how much math and science was involved and I decided it probably wasn't for me. Especially being I wasn't very strong in Math.
I attended the community branch of the state university; NMSU-A. I focused on taking a lot of generalized courses I guess you could say; most of them the basic requirements. I still didn't know what I wanted to ultimately do though. At one point, I had a serious discussion with my cousin regarding Forensic Science and ultimately that's when I decided on not going for that degree. That's pretty much when I discovered that what I really enjoyed was library and so that's what I tried to focus on.
During my first 2 years in college, I concentrated mostly on taking courses that would satisfy the necessary requirements for an associate's degree in Arts. I didn't take a lot of extra courses. The only extra courses I took were a P.E. course and a couple of Library Science courses that were offered online through the Dona Ana branch of NMSU.
Still though I didn't really branch out all that much. Then when I transferred to Oklahoma State, I ended up having to pick up a semester of basic requirements which didn't leave me much room for anything extra. After that semester, I went right into my degree requirements for Elementary Education and extra classes became impossible.
So I really didn't have the option of going for anything extra. I didn't really get a chance to branch out and discover any other interests and now I feel like I missed out. I feel as though I focused so much on my degree plans that I really didn't give myself that option of anything else. I didn't even really consider switch degrees either at any point in my college education. Well I did, but by then it was far too late (It was my Senior year).
I wish I could have gotten more of a chance to explore other options; other interests of mine. For example, I wanted to minor in Spanish and in Music. But I was unable to do so. I still want to eventually get those minors but not for a while.
I feel as though had I been able to explore more, perhaps I would have found something I really enjoyed and perhaps I could have pursued that interest instead of what I ultimately ended up. At least in terms of an undergrad.
For instance, lately I've developed a bit of an interest in Psychology. I think it's because I've been in therapy that I've developed this interest although I've always found things interesting. I'm a librarian, I'm curious so I research things to learn more about them. So of course being in therapy, I'm now interested in Psychology. I'm finding it fascinating just what can have an impact on someone psychologically.
Psychology has never really been something I've considered pursuing. Not because it's not interesting to me but simply because I've never really though about it. I was looking at an unofficial transcript from NMSU-A today when I discovered that I'd actually taken an Introductory Psychology course in Spring 2007. I hadn't remembered taking this course at all.
It was an online course and apparently I did pretty well in the course as I ended up with an A and specifically an A-. Still though I did well. I still have the folder of class exercises and the syllabus and was going through it. Some of the stuff is a bit too defining of my current life. It's scary.
But looking at all of the stuff made me think about why I never considered pursuing something like this. Why I didn't decide to pursue Psychology or another course I found interesting. I guess I just really didn't get much time to explore and I wish I had.
I mean if I had been given more chance to explore my options, perhaps I might have really found something I enjoyed as a undergrad. I mean if given the option to redo my undergrad degree, Elementary Education wouldn't be my choice. I'd go for something else. Perhaps I might have even have gone for Psychology.
I feel as though I've finally found something I enjoy. Something I think I'm happy with but who really knows. Sometimes I still doubt that I'm meant to be a librarian. That's not to say that even if I'd gotten a different undergrad degree, I wouldn't have ended up as a librarian.
I'm just saying that I wish I could have had the chance to explore more options. A chance to discover something I'd never thought about before. Perhaps had I had the choice, I would feel more confident. I wouldn't feel like I'd made the wrong decision; I wouldn't regret my choice of undergrad degree.
Explore possible options before you make your final decision. Make sure it's something you really want to do. That way you don't end up regretting your decision (I'm not saying that I exactly regret mine but still).
I'm not saying that I don't still have the option of pursing another
interest. Who knows, I may decide to take some more Psychology courses
or I might find something else I'm interested in pursuing for perhaps
another minor degree or who knows, perhaps even another Bachelor's.
If I could have had the chance to explore my options more, perhaps I wouldn't have ended up with a Bachelor's degree in something I really didn't want in the first place.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Revealing Secrets: More thoughts
I feel as though I've been blogging so much about therapy and counseling and topics involving the two that I'm starting to come off as annoying.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday's session. I revealed a lot to my therapist and now I'm feeling a bit of guilt over what I did reveal.
I know I talked about this a lot yesterday but I'm still thinking about it today. It hasn't gone away.
The thing is that I feel that perhaps my therapist might think it sounds like I might have been abused a bit as a child. Maybe looking at it now, it could be considered to be a bit abusive what happened. But the thing is that I don't see it as such. I mean I still cringe thinking about the punishment but I know the reasoning behind what brought on the punishment. Basically it wasn't an unjust punishment.
There were legitimate reasons for me receiving the punishment I did. I messed up big time and therefore I had to be punished and for me, this happened to be the punishment.
It wasn't the punishment for every single thing I did. But if I did something major in terms of messing up, this was the punishment received.
The punishment wasn't something that just happened. It happened for a reason. It wasn't like I was punished like this every single day. I didn't get punished like this for spilling something or breaking something on accident.
I'm also a bit concerned that I made my father sound like he was very unsupportive of me as a child; like he was disappointed with me. Again though, it's not the case.
Yes, I know he was disappointed with the fact that neither my brother nor I not even my nephew turned out to be athletes. He was into sports and athletics growing up. He was a Physical Education teacher for 32 years at the Elementary schools. Unfortunately, none of us shared the same enjoyment of sports he did. None of us were interested in sports. None of us turned out to be very athletic like he was.
But I didn't sense this disappointment as a child. I don't ever really remember feeling it so much. I'm not saying that I never felt like I was a disappointment to my dad because I wasn't in sports. What I'm saying is that it wasn't something that bothered me until I grew older and starting looking back at things. Basically it's something I've been giving a lot more thought since being in therapy. Trying to figure out some possible causes for some of my problems.
There was also the fact that my dad did comment a few times on my weight growing up. He still comments on it. I've generally been happy with my weight. I'm healthy. My doctors haven't been too concerned with my weight and neither have I. I'm not terribly overweight but I'm not skinny. I'm average. I'm not athletic or into exercising a lot. But I don't eat a lot of bad food; I eat pretty healthily actually and while I don't exactly exercise, I do move around. Plus I do a bit of walking.
Again though, I feel like I've made my dad out to be emotional abuse but again, he's not.
The truth is that growing up as a child, I felt loved. I felt like my parents were generally proud of me and supportive of me. They were concerned for me. I struggled with friendships and with some school subjects and my parents were there for me. They tried to help me. When I was being picked on at the Recreation Center and would come home miserable, they didn't ignore me. They went and talked to the counselors there and got things straightened out. Whenever I struggled in school or was misbehaving they'd talk to the teacher and get things worked out. I don't ever remember feeling scared or neglected or abused in any sense.
The only time I was ever scared of my father was when I got into big trouble at school. I knew what punishment I was going to get and that's what scared me. Sure my father was stricter than my mother and I learned that at a young age but still I loved my dad a lot. It wasn't until I grew much older that I began really looking back at everything and realizing all this.
There is something I didn't really tell my therapist yesterday when telling her about the punishment. She asked questions about it. She wanted to know more about it; what exactly it involved. I told her as much as I could remember: I remember laying on my parents bed already scared because I knew what was coming. I remember dreading my dad coming home. I remember my dad coming in and already I would be crying and felt scared so scared. I remember my mom telling my dad what I did and I remember hearing his footsteps coming down the hallway; the sound of him taking off his belt. I remember just crying out and saying "No! No! No!" before he would spank me and while he was spanking me. It was awful. It didn't last long and he really didn't hit me that hard.
I'm pretty sure I had pants on whenever he would spank me but I can't be too sure. I remember having some sort of protection from the belt but what exactly I had on besides my underwear, I can't even be sure. It's painful just writing this down. It's a memory I'd rather repress if only I could.
My therapist asked me if he left any marks or anything when my dad would spank me with his belt. At the time I told her nothing physically, emotionally though yes. But afterwards, I got to thinking more about it and I realized there were some marks if even just temporary. I remember my bottom stinging and being sore. I remember there would be red marks from where the belt had hit me. But all this was temporary and went away. Usually by the next day, everything was fine. I can't ever remember having bruises from where I was spanked by the belt.
I'll probably mention all this to my therapist next week. I feel like I need to tell her now. I feel like I need to explain more. It sounds horrible but it's the truth. It's how it was.
Again, it makes it sounds like my dad was a terrible person but I can assure you he wasn't. I loved my dad as a child and I still love him now. Though it can't be denied that our relationship isn't as close as it could be and this being probably one of the reasons why.
I do feel as though he expect a lot of me though. Like he expects me to be someone I'm not; do things I don't want to do and that he is disappointed because I'm not. Again though, this is only as I've gotten older; become an adult, that I've felt like this.
The thing that still gets me is that my parents were punished the same way as children and yet they seem to have turned out ok. Yet my brother and I both have had mental health issues. My brother more so than me but obviously I have some problems too otherwise I wouldn't be in therapy right now. I'm starting to think that both of us were just more sensitive to such things. Perhaps both of us were just sensitive children and this type of punishment had a greater impact on us. Or at least on me it seems. I've just come to accept that I'm probably just a highly sensitive person.
I've just been thinking a lot about this. I'm realizing just how much perhaps I've been influenced by what my parents did while raising me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday's session. I revealed a lot to my therapist and now I'm feeling a bit of guilt over what I did reveal.
I know I talked about this a lot yesterday but I'm still thinking about it today. It hasn't gone away.
The thing is that I feel that perhaps my therapist might think it sounds like I might have been abused a bit as a child. Maybe looking at it now, it could be considered to be a bit abusive what happened. But the thing is that I don't see it as such. I mean I still cringe thinking about the punishment but I know the reasoning behind what brought on the punishment. Basically it wasn't an unjust punishment.
There were legitimate reasons for me receiving the punishment I did. I messed up big time and therefore I had to be punished and for me, this happened to be the punishment.
It wasn't the punishment for every single thing I did. But if I did something major in terms of messing up, this was the punishment received.
The punishment wasn't something that just happened. It happened for a reason. It wasn't like I was punished like this every single day. I didn't get punished like this for spilling something or breaking something on accident.
I'm also a bit concerned that I made my father sound like he was very unsupportive of me as a child; like he was disappointed with me. Again though, it's not the case.
Yes, I know he was disappointed with the fact that neither my brother nor I not even my nephew turned out to be athletes. He was into sports and athletics growing up. He was a Physical Education teacher for 32 years at the Elementary schools. Unfortunately, none of us shared the same enjoyment of sports he did. None of us were interested in sports. None of us turned out to be very athletic like he was.
But I didn't sense this disappointment as a child. I don't ever really remember feeling it so much. I'm not saying that I never felt like I was a disappointment to my dad because I wasn't in sports. What I'm saying is that it wasn't something that bothered me until I grew older and starting looking back at things. Basically it's something I've been giving a lot more thought since being in therapy. Trying to figure out some possible causes for some of my problems.
There was also the fact that my dad did comment a few times on my weight growing up. He still comments on it. I've generally been happy with my weight. I'm healthy. My doctors haven't been too concerned with my weight and neither have I. I'm not terribly overweight but I'm not skinny. I'm average. I'm not athletic or into exercising a lot. But I don't eat a lot of bad food; I eat pretty healthily actually and while I don't exactly exercise, I do move around. Plus I do a bit of walking.
Again though, I feel like I've made my dad out to be emotional abuse but again, he's not.
The truth is that growing up as a child, I felt loved. I felt like my parents were generally proud of me and supportive of me. They were concerned for me. I struggled with friendships and with some school subjects and my parents were there for me. They tried to help me. When I was being picked on at the Recreation Center and would come home miserable, they didn't ignore me. They went and talked to the counselors there and got things straightened out. Whenever I struggled in school or was misbehaving they'd talk to the teacher and get things worked out. I don't ever remember feeling scared or neglected or abused in any sense.
The only time I was ever scared of my father was when I got into big trouble at school. I knew what punishment I was going to get and that's what scared me. Sure my father was stricter than my mother and I learned that at a young age but still I loved my dad a lot. It wasn't until I grew much older that I began really looking back at everything and realizing all this.
There is something I didn't really tell my therapist yesterday when telling her about the punishment. She asked questions about it. She wanted to know more about it; what exactly it involved. I told her as much as I could remember: I remember laying on my parents bed already scared because I knew what was coming. I remember dreading my dad coming home. I remember my dad coming in and already I would be crying and felt scared so scared. I remember my mom telling my dad what I did and I remember hearing his footsteps coming down the hallway; the sound of him taking off his belt. I remember just crying out and saying "No! No! No!" before he would spank me and while he was spanking me. It was awful. It didn't last long and he really didn't hit me that hard.
I'm pretty sure I had pants on whenever he would spank me but I can't be too sure. I remember having some sort of protection from the belt but what exactly I had on besides my underwear, I can't even be sure. It's painful just writing this down. It's a memory I'd rather repress if only I could.
My therapist asked me if he left any marks or anything when my dad would spank me with his belt. At the time I told her nothing physically, emotionally though yes. But afterwards, I got to thinking more about it and I realized there were some marks if even just temporary. I remember my bottom stinging and being sore. I remember there would be red marks from where the belt had hit me. But all this was temporary and went away. Usually by the next day, everything was fine. I can't ever remember having bruises from where I was spanked by the belt.
I'll probably mention all this to my therapist next week. I feel like I need to tell her now. I feel like I need to explain more. It sounds horrible but it's the truth. It's how it was.
Again, it makes it sounds like my dad was a terrible person but I can assure you he wasn't. I loved my dad as a child and I still love him now. Though it can't be denied that our relationship isn't as close as it could be and this being probably one of the reasons why.
I do feel as though he expect a lot of me though. Like he expects me to be someone I'm not; do things I don't want to do and that he is disappointed because I'm not. Again though, this is only as I've gotten older; become an adult, that I've felt like this.
The thing that still gets me is that my parents were punished the same way as children and yet they seem to have turned out ok. Yet my brother and I both have had mental health issues. My brother more so than me but obviously I have some problems too otherwise I wouldn't be in therapy right now. I'm starting to think that both of us were just more sensitive to such things. Perhaps both of us were just sensitive children and this type of punishment had a greater impact on us. Or at least on me it seems. I've just come to accept that I'm probably just a highly sensitive person.
I've just been thinking a lot about this. I'm realizing just how much perhaps I've been influenced by what my parents did while raising me.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Relief
That about sums up how I'm feeling right now. Just a huge sense of relief right now.
I feel lighter; a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel happier than I've felt perhaps in weeks. I just feel so much better emotionally. It's just such a wonderful feeling.
So today was another therapy session and I feel like progress was made today. I revealed some things to my therapist that I've struggled to mention to her before. Things that I revealed in a blog post last week. Writing it down seemed to help a lot. It made it much easier to tell her.
It was still extremely difficult to tell her and it was painful to talk about but I still told her. I even took the advice of my friend. With her encouragement and advice, I was finally able to reveal this part of myself to my therapist.
I felt like it opened things up for her. It felt like I had revealed such a big part of myself to her. It feels as though things came together for her. That things began to make much more sense. It explains so much about why things are the way they are now.
Our session began today by me just telling her that I feel like there's just a lot on my mind. Too much pressure going on. Too much happening all at once. How I've just been feeling tired; dejected and a bit annoyed by family.
But then she wanted to pick up from where we left off last week and that's when I just had to tell her.
I told her I'd thought about it and finally I just told her. It was extremely difficult revealing this information to her. It caused me emotional pain talking about it. I told her that I still cringe thinking about it.
This led to us talking more about my family. It was difficult talking about such things. But my therapist understood. She understood some of my fears and feelings about things. She understood that it was hard talking about certain things.
I find it hard to blame my parents for what they did but at the same time, it's hard not to blame them for some of my problems. They did the best they could as parents. They were punished similarly to how they punished my brother and I. But they did mess up and it's hard to admit that (or as my therapist put it "It's hard to admit they f'd up!* My therapist made me smile when she said this.She managed to get a laugh out of me which made me feel so much better).
At least she understood though; how difficult talking about family is; bringing family into the discussion. She understood that how difficult it is for me to admit that perhaps how my parents raised me is partly to blame for my problems. I know there are things my parents did that have impacted me now. I even told her that I'm comforted by the fact that my older brother also has some problems too. I think I was basically trying to point out that perhaps the way my parents raised us has a lot to do with the way both of us are now. Perhaps I was just trying to point out that it wasn't just me having problems.
Really though, today's session was just so powerful I felt. I felt like I was finally being honest with her. Like this was the last bit of me that I was holding back from her and now that I've told her, there's nothing left holding me back. I feel like being honest with her, makes me fully trust her now. I even told her some other things I hadn't told her before. I basically just revealed a lot today and I feel as though it told her a lot about me and just helped clarify things.
She even asked me at the end of our session, how I felt and I just told her that I felt relief. I felt better now that I was honest with her. She told me how proud she was of me because she knew none of this was easy for me to reveal.
I just feel great right now. It feels wonderful to finally have revealed that information to her. It helps her further help me too now that there's really nothing I'm holding back from her now. Together we can finally start putting things back together; start trying to make sense of everything.
If only we had more time. Unfortunately though, we only have 2 more sessions this semester.
My therapist did ask if I was planning on seeking therapy back home which answers one of the questions I've been secretly asking myself. She does think I should continue with therapy which makes me happy to hear that. It reassures me that I should continue. It reassures me that it would be a good idea for me to continue.
I told her I wasn't sure if I would continue when I was back home since I'm not sure I could find someone, but that I did intend to continue wherever I eventually ended up. We're going to talk more about this in one of our last two sessions.
Technically I've seen a counselor back home once already and she did help me but at the same time, I'm not sure if I'd want to return to her specifically. I feel like I need to find someone similar to my therapist now. Someone like the counselors/therapists I've seen while here at UNT. Specifically, I think I'd want someone like both my therapists at the Psychology Clinic have been. I mentioned how I'm pretty sure the type of therapy I'm in is called psychotherapy, this means that when looking for another therapist, this is probably what I need to focus on in order to get a therapist that's similar to what I have now. I just think they'll be better for me. So far, they seem to have been better for me.
Really though, in terms of my session this week. I just feel so much relief. So much better. This week's session just helped me so much emotionally.
*I don't normally curse as I've said before and normally I'm not too fond of other people cursing but this time was so much different. It doesn't make me see her as less credible or anything because she said that. It didn't bother me at all this time. I feel as though it honestly was the best description she could've used. Even thinking about it now, I'm still not bothered by it. Perhaps a little shocked initially by her saying it but not bothered by it at all.*
I feel lighter; a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel happier than I've felt perhaps in weeks. I just feel so much better emotionally. It's just such a wonderful feeling.
So today was another therapy session and I feel like progress was made today. I revealed some things to my therapist that I've struggled to mention to her before. Things that I revealed in a blog post last week. Writing it down seemed to help a lot. It made it much easier to tell her.
It was still extremely difficult to tell her and it was painful to talk about but I still told her. I even took the advice of my friend. With her encouragement and advice, I was finally able to reveal this part of myself to my therapist.
I felt like it opened things up for her. It felt like I had revealed such a big part of myself to her. It feels as though things came together for her. That things began to make much more sense. It explains so much about why things are the way they are now.
Our session began today by me just telling her that I feel like there's just a lot on my mind. Too much pressure going on. Too much happening all at once. How I've just been feeling tired; dejected and a bit annoyed by family.
But then she wanted to pick up from where we left off last week and that's when I just had to tell her.
I told her I'd thought about it and finally I just told her. It was extremely difficult revealing this information to her. It caused me emotional pain talking about it. I told her that I still cringe thinking about it.
This led to us talking more about my family. It was difficult talking about such things. But my therapist understood. She understood some of my fears and feelings about things. She understood that it was hard talking about certain things.
I find it hard to blame my parents for what they did but at the same time, it's hard not to blame them for some of my problems. They did the best they could as parents. They were punished similarly to how they punished my brother and I. But they did mess up and it's hard to admit that (or as my therapist put it "It's hard to admit they f'd up!* My therapist made me smile when she said this.She managed to get a laugh out of me which made me feel so much better).
At least she understood though; how difficult talking about family is; bringing family into the discussion. She understood that how difficult it is for me to admit that perhaps how my parents raised me is partly to blame for my problems. I know there are things my parents did that have impacted me now. I even told her that I'm comforted by the fact that my older brother also has some problems too. I think I was basically trying to point out that perhaps the way my parents raised us has a lot to do with the way both of us are now. Perhaps I was just trying to point out that it wasn't just me having problems.
Really though, today's session was just so powerful I felt. I felt like I was finally being honest with her. Like this was the last bit of me that I was holding back from her and now that I've told her, there's nothing left holding me back. I feel like being honest with her, makes me fully trust her now. I even told her some other things I hadn't told her before. I basically just revealed a lot today and I feel as though it told her a lot about me and just helped clarify things.
She even asked me at the end of our session, how I felt and I just told her that I felt relief. I felt better now that I was honest with her. She told me how proud she was of me because she knew none of this was easy for me to reveal.
I just feel great right now. It feels wonderful to finally have revealed that information to her. It helps her further help me too now that there's really nothing I'm holding back from her now. Together we can finally start putting things back together; start trying to make sense of everything.
If only we had more time. Unfortunately though, we only have 2 more sessions this semester.
My therapist did ask if I was planning on seeking therapy back home which answers one of the questions I've been secretly asking myself. She does think I should continue with therapy which makes me happy to hear that. It reassures me that I should continue. It reassures me that it would be a good idea for me to continue.
I told her I wasn't sure if I would continue when I was back home since I'm not sure I could find someone, but that I did intend to continue wherever I eventually ended up. We're going to talk more about this in one of our last two sessions.
Technically I've seen a counselor back home once already and she did help me but at the same time, I'm not sure if I'd want to return to her specifically. I feel like I need to find someone similar to my therapist now. Someone like the counselors/therapists I've seen while here at UNT. Specifically, I think I'd want someone like both my therapists at the Psychology Clinic have been. I mentioned how I'm pretty sure the type of therapy I'm in is called psychotherapy, this means that when looking for another therapist, this is probably what I need to focus on in order to get a therapist that's similar to what I have now. I just think they'll be better for me. So far, they seem to have been better for me.
Really though, in terms of my session this week. I just feel so much relief. So much better. This week's session just helped me so much emotionally.
*I don't normally curse as I've said before and normally I'm not too fond of other people cursing but this time was so much different. It doesn't make me see her as less credible or anything because she said that. It didn't bother me at all this time. I feel as though it honestly was the best description she could've used. Even thinking about it now, I'm still not bothered by it. Perhaps a little shocked initially by her saying it but not bothered by it at all.*
Monday, November 26, 2012
An epiphany
It feels as though the only thing I've been talking about recently here is about therapy and counseling. Various thoughts surrounding it and everything.
I'm sure people are tired of hearing things about it but this it what has been on my mind recently. This is how I'm trying to make sense of everything. I realize it's repetitive but welcome to my mind. This is how it is.
Last night, I was thinking about therapy again when a memory of something popped in my mind; an epiphany of sorts.
I've mentioned how I'm afraid of failing and how I put extra pressure on myself to do well at things. I mentioned how I thought it could have something to do with classmates/friends calling me "stupid" as a child and how maybe that affected me subconsciously.
I haven't been able to pinpoint a time in my life when I was called "stupid" by others.
I'm sure I must have been called that at some other points but I couldn't think of a specific time.
Or at least I couldn't really think of a time until last night.
Last night, for some reason, a memory came to me; an unpleasant memory. A memory I hadn't even remembered until now. Just a memory that popped into my mind out of nowhere.
I mentioned how I used to go the Recreation Center after school for their after-school program. I've mentioned how much I hated going there; how no one there seemed to like me. How I was teased and picked on. How the only friends I really had were also considered "outsiders".
I really don't have a lot of pleasant memories from my time at the Recreation Center. Even now, I really don't like going to the Center for any reason. Too many bad memories for me.
This was a memory from when I was going there after school.
I was in Elementary School at the time; 3rd and 4th grade. After school, I remember the Recreation Center van would pick us program kids up in front of the school and take us to the center. I remember one day sitting in the back of one of the Vans that picked us up. It was report card day. I remember a couple of the kids that normally picked on me, bragging about their grades. How they'd gotten all A's; all 100's. I remember them asking me about my grades. Now that I think about it, they probably only asked me to spite me. They just wanted another reason to pick on me.
For some reason, I must have told them. I don't even know why I did. I guess I felt weak against them; that they had more power over me. I guess I was just afraid of them at the time. I remember telling them my grades; which in my opinion weren't bad at all. I remember them being A's and B's. But they made fun of me about my grades. I think I remember one of them saying something about how one of the subjects was so easy, how could I get the grade I did (I think it was commenting on a subject I got a "B" in).
This seems to be a bit of an epiphany moment for me. Perhaps this is the answer I've been searching for? Perhaps this is why I try so hard. I don't even remember if after this happened, is when I started pushing myself more to do so well. All I know is that if I'm searching for a specific reason I'm afraid of failing and being called "stupid", this could likely be it. Maybe.
I don't necessarily remember if my attitude about school and grades changed after this. If it did, I certainly don't remember or even think I noticed.
The only thing I ever remember is that I liked to learn and tried to do my best. I did well because I just seemed to want to do well. Even before this memory, I think I just tried to do well in school. Before this memory, I still remember struggling with some subjects and feeling like others were understanding things I wasn't.
Still though, I know that this memory probably had an impact on me and I'm now dealing with some of the effects.
I know that my memories of the Recreation Center are just horrible. Now that I think about it, perhaps I was traumatized because of everything that happened to me there. I'm talking about constantly being left out and picked on by the others. How it seemed from the first day I went there, I was judged to be "different".
I really don't have a lot of happy memories of that place. I went After-school and during the Summer Day Camp program. It was still horrible even during the summer. I really didn't make a lot of friends there. It really wasn't a happy place for me and even now, I don't really like going because of all the bad memories.
I feel like this memory gives more insight into why things are the way they are. Why I just now thought about it, I don't really know.
I can't be certain if this is even a reason that I'm currently struggling. In other words, I can't really be certain that it's exactly because of this memory. I just know that it has had some sort of impact on me now.
Now I have something else to mention to my therapist at my next session. It seems like more and more pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together.
I'm sure people are tired of hearing things about it but this it what has been on my mind recently. This is how I'm trying to make sense of everything. I realize it's repetitive but welcome to my mind. This is how it is.
Last night, I was thinking about therapy again when a memory of something popped in my mind; an epiphany of sorts.
I've mentioned how I'm afraid of failing and how I put extra pressure on myself to do well at things. I mentioned how I thought it could have something to do with classmates/friends calling me "stupid" as a child and how maybe that affected me subconsciously.
I haven't been able to pinpoint a time in my life when I was called "stupid" by others.
I'm sure I must have been called that at some other points but I couldn't think of a specific time.
Or at least I couldn't really think of a time until last night.
Last night, for some reason, a memory came to me; an unpleasant memory. A memory I hadn't even remembered until now. Just a memory that popped into my mind out of nowhere.
I mentioned how I used to go the Recreation Center after school for their after-school program. I've mentioned how much I hated going there; how no one there seemed to like me. How I was teased and picked on. How the only friends I really had were also considered "outsiders".
I really don't have a lot of pleasant memories from my time at the Recreation Center. Even now, I really don't like going to the Center for any reason. Too many bad memories for me.
This was a memory from when I was going there after school.
I was in Elementary School at the time; 3rd and 4th grade. After school, I remember the Recreation Center van would pick us program kids up in front of the school and take us to the center. I remember one day sitting in the back of one of the Vans that picked us up. It was report card day. I remember a couple of the kids that normally picked on me, bragging about their grades. How they'd gotten all A's; all 100's. I remember them asking me about my grades. Now that I think about it, they probably only asked me to spite me. They just wanted another reason to pick on me.
For some reason, I must have told them. I don't even know why I did. I guess I felt weak against them; that they had more power over me. I guess I was just afraid of them at the time. I remember telling them my grades; which in my opinion weren't bad at all. I remember them being A's and B's. But they made fun of me about my grades. I think I remember one of them saying something about how one of the subjects was so easy, how could I get the grade I did (I think it was commenting on a subject I got a "B" in).
This seems to be a bit of an epiphany moment for me. Perhaps this is the answer I've been searching for? Perhaps this is why I try so hard. I don't even remember if after this happened, is when I started pushing myself more to do so well. All I know is that if I'm searching for a specific reason I'm afraid of failing and being called "stupid", this could likely be it. Maybe.
I don't necessarily remember if my attitude about school and grades changed after this. If it did, I certainly don't remember or even think I noticed.
The only thing I ever remember is that I liked to learn and tried to do my best. I did well because I just seemed to want to do well. Even before this memory, I think I just tried to do well in school. Before this memory, I still remember struggling with some subjects and feeling like others were understanding things I wasn't.
Still though, I know that this memory probably had an impact on me and I'm now dealing with some of the effects.
I know that my memories of the Recreation Center are just horrible. Now that I think about it, perhaps I was traumatized because of everything that happened to me there. I'm talking about constantly being left out and picked on by the others. How it seemed from the first day I went there, I was judged to be "different".
I really don't have a lot of happy memories of that place. I went After-school and during the Summer Day Camp program. It was still horrible even during the summer. I really didn't make a lot of friends there. It really wasn't a happy place for me and even now, I don't really like going because of all the bad memories.
I feel like this memory gives more insight into why things are the way they are. Why I just now thought about it, I don't really know.
I can't be certain if this is even a reason that I'm currently struggling. In other words, I can't really be certain that it's exactly because of this memory. I just know that it has had some sort of impact on me now.
Now I have something else to mention to my therapist at my next session. It seems like more and more pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
First counseling session: thoughts
My previous post got me thinking about my very first counseling session at Oklahoma State. I didn't blog about it or even write about it as far as I can tell. I honestly thought I wrote about my first session somewhere but I can't find it if I did.
However, I did at least make note of when my first session was in a planner. I found the planner I kept during my Senior year as an Undergrad and sure enough, it was noted in my planner.
I said how it was a nervous breakdown that led me to seek counseling in the first place. I just had a breakdown after class one day and it was so bad that I started hyperventalating. I got light-headed and a little bit dizzy.
I honestly think it was the coursework that got to me. It was terrible. I was already warned something like this could happen. I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did. Soon after my own nervous breakdown I saw another of my classmates who looked like she'd had a nervous breakdown too.
It frightened me. It really did. I should have gone to the Counseling Center during my breakdown, I really should have but I didn't think about it until afterwards.
Still though it scared me and I was concerned that it could happen again. That it would only get worse as the semester went on. I didn't want it to happen again so I sought counseling. I knew it was probably the only way I'd make it through the rest of the semester. I knew I needed help and since I had no family around there to help me, this was the best option.
According to my planner. My first session took place at 1:00PM on Friday September 25, 2009. I'm pretty sure this was my intake session. I don't remember much except being extremely nervous. This was the first time I'd really ever sought counseling. It was scary for me but I also remember feeling a bit hopeful. I remember feeling like I could be helped.
I knew I had to do this though. I knew I needed help. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own. The nervous breakdown was proof of that.
I remember showing up early and filling out paperwork and then waiting. I remember a graduate student came and got me and took me back to a room where we sat in some computer-type chairs. I remember her asking me a bunch of questions and me answering them. I know she asked me "why I'd sought counseling" and telling her about my nervous breakdown. I remember getting very emotional and breaking down in tears telling her some information. She took a lot of notes and wrote a lot of information down on a notepad.
That's really all I can remember about the Intake session there at Oklahoma State. It was very similiar to the intake session here at the Psychology Clinic. Another grad student took me back to one of the rooms,asked me a bunch of questions which I answered, and took a lot of notes.
I remember the Counseling Center calling me later after the intake session and telling me the name of my counselor and setting up a time for me to begin my first session. I think my counselor's name was Chris and my sessions were on Fridays at 1PM. That was the only day I was free since the rest of the week, I was busy with my Elementary Education classes.
I don't remember much else about my sessions there other than I went almost every Friday until at least November 13, 2009. I was in counseling for about 7 out of my 12 session max.
I got emotional during my sessions then too so it's nothing new.
I know we talked about a lot of things both academic and non-academic. I'm certain that some of the same stuff discussed is being discussed again in my sessions. So basically many of my problems now, have been ongoing for quite some time.
I remember that my counselor got me back to a place where I'd at least be ok handling things on my own for awhile. I also remember being a bit nervous about leaving but they seemed to have done all they could do to help me for the time being. I know they asked me up front if I thought that I no longer needed them and I remember saying that I think I'd be ok to stop seeing them. I knew there were things we could still discuss but I remember feeling like I'd be ok to stop counseling for the time.
They did say that if I needed to come back, I could but I never did. I was somehow able to go without them. I'm not entirely sure how but I was. Things were certainly better after I started going to counseling although not perfect. Even after I stopped going, things were still a bit of a challenge but somehow I managed.
I thought perhaps I might go back during the Spring 2010 semester but I never did and quite honestly I didn't have the time with Student Teaching going on. I had some struggles then too but again, somehow I survived.
In fact it seems like I've managed to survive for so long. Even before I first sought counseling, I had struggles. Yet here I am still standing strong. Still fighting.
It makes me think of lyrics from the Elton John song "I'm still standing"
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Somehow I haven't given up and have continued to keep fighting despite everything. I mentioned how my therapist last semester said that I inspired her.I guess this is why. She was inspired by how even after everything I've been through, I'm still fighting.
She also mentioned during one of my sessions how through everything she can hear that I'm a fighter and that I haven't given up. Even when I've felt like giving up somehow I haven't. I'm still fighting.
I still have hope and I guess that's why I'm in therapy. Because I still have hope that things will get better for me.
However, I did at least make note of when my first session was in a planner. I found the planner I kept during my Senior year as an Undergrad and sure enough, it was noted in my planner.
I said how it was a nervous breakdown that led me to seek counseling in the first place. I just had a breakdown after class one day and it was so bad that I started hyperventalating. I got light-headed and a little bit dizzy.
I honestly think it was the coursework that got to me. It was terrible. I was already warned something like this could happen. I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did. Soon after my own nervous breakdown I saw another of my classmates who looked like she'd had a nervous breakdown too.
It frightened me. It really did. I should have gone to the Counseling Center during my breakdown, I really should have but I didn't think about it until afterwards.
Still though it scared me and I was concerned that it could happen again. That it would only get worse as the semester went on. I didn't want it to happen again so I sought counseling. I knew it was probably the only way I'd make it through the rest of the semester. I knew I needed help and since I had no family around there to help me, this was the best option.
According to my planner. My first session took place at 1:00PM on Friday September 25, 2009. I'm pretty sure this was my intake session. I don't remember much except being extremely nervous. This was the first time I'd really ever sought counseling. It was scary for me but I also remember feeling a bit hopeful. I remember feeling like I could be helped.
I knew I had to do this though. I knew I needed help. I knew I could no longer handle things on my own. The nervous breakdown was proof of that.
I remember showing up early and filling out paperwork and then waiting. I remember a graduate student came and got me and took me back to a room where we sat in some computer-type chairs. I remember her asking me a bunch of questions and me answering them. I know she asked me "why I'd sought counseling" and telling her about my nervous breakdown. I remember getting very emotional and breaking down in tears telling her some information. She took a lot of notes and wrote a lot of information down on a notepad.
That's really all I can remember about the Intake session there at Oklahoma State. It was very similiar to the intake session here at the Psychology Clinic. Another grad student took me back to one of the rooms,asked me a bunch of questions which I answered, and took a lot of notes.
I remember the Counseling Center calling me later after the intake session and telling me the name of my counselor and setting up a time for me to begin my first session. I think my counselor's name was Chris and my sessions were on Fridays at 1PM. That was the only day I was free since the rest of the week, I was busy with my Elementary Education classes.
I don't remember much else about my sessions there other than I went almost every Friday until at least November 13, 2009. I was in counseling for about 7 out of my 12 session max.
I got emotional during my sessions then too so it's nothing new.
I know we talked about a lot of things both academic and non-academic. I'm certain that some of the same stuff discussed is being discussed again in my sessions. So basically many of my problems now, have been ongoing for quite some time.
I remember that my counselor got me back to a place where I'd at least be ok handling things on my own for awhile. I also remember being a bit nervous about leaving but they seemed to have done all they could do to help me for the time being. I know they asked me up front if I thought that I no longer needed them and I remember saying that I think I'd be ok to stop seeing them. I knew there were things we could still discuss but I remember feeling like I'd be ok to stop counseling for the time.
They did say that if I needed to come back, I could but I never did. I was somehow able to go without them. I'm not entirely sure how but I was. Things were certainly better after I started going to counseling although not perfect. Even after I stopped going, things were still a bit of a challenge but somehow I managed.
I thought perhaps I might go back during the Spring 2010 semester but I never did and quite honestly I didn't have the time with Student Teaching going on. I had some struggles then too but again, somehow I survived.
In fact it seems like I've managed to survive for so long. Even before I first sought counseling, I had struggles. Yet here I am still standing strong. Still fighting.
It makes me think of lyrics from the Elton John song "I'm still standing"
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Somehow I haven't given up and have continued to keep fighting despite everything. I mentioned how my therapist last semester said that I inspired her.I guess this is why. She was inspired by how even after everything I've been through, I'm still fighting.
She also mentioned during one of my sessions how through everything she can hear that I'm a fighter and that I haven't given up. Even when I've felt like giving up somehow I haven't. I'm still fighting.
I still have hope and I guess that's why I'm in therapy. Because I still have hope that things will get better for me.
Therapy/Counseling Talk
My mind has been thinking a lot this week. Most of it is things I've already mentioned previously. Also a lot of what's been on my mind is preparing myself for telling my therapist something on Wednesday.
Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes. There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.
This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.
So like I've already said, in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.
After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records. According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday. He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.
Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.
Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.
I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.
I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week. After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.
However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that. I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.
I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.
I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there anymore.
The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.
The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then. I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.
Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over. I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent. After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.
I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions. Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression? It's just something I'm curious about.
With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester. Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?
I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.
It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.
My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.
Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes. There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.
This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.
So like I've already said, in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.
After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records. According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday. He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.
Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.
Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.
I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.
I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week. After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.
However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that. I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.
I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.
I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there anymore.
The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.
The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then. I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.
Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over. I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent. After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.
I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions. Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression? It's just something I'm curious about.
With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester. Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?
I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.
It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.
My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
3 graduation poems I wrote
A bit of a different type of blog post than usual.
So my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to write a new poem to include with my Master's degree graduation announcements. I've done this twice already before; for my high school graduation and again for my undergrad graduation.
I didn't exactly feel like writing a poem though. Lately I've just felt that my creative writing energy has been low. But I ended up writing one after all. I actually had some ideas but just really was lacking the motivation to sit down and actually compose the poem. Eventually I just forced myself to do it.
Each of the 3 poems I wrote have sort of built upon the previous poem. I just wanted somewhere where I could share all 3 poems. Until now, I've never really put all 3 of them together to see how they look.
So for your enjoyment, here they all are in order along with my age at the time I wrote them and the date of when I wrote them.
So my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to write a new poem to include with my Master's degree graduation announcements. I've done this twice already before; for my high school graduation and again for my undergrad graduation.
I didn't exactly feel like writing a poem though. Lately I've just felt that my creative writing energy has been low. But I ended up writing one after all. I actually had some ideas but just really was lacking the motivation to sit down and actually compose the poem. Eventually I just forced myself to do it.
Each of the 3 poems I wrote have sort of built upon the previous poem. I just wanted somewhere where I could share all 3 poems. Until now, I've never really put all 3 of them together to see how they look.
So for your enjoyment, here they all are in order along with my age at the time I wrote them and the date of when I wrote them.
A Journey Begins…
Cap and gown are in
place
13 years of schooling
has ended
Years of hard work and
studying
All come down to this
day
Books are slammed shut
The hallways become
silent
The bell rings one last
time
The doors now close on our
high school years
Our memories are all that remain
Another chapter has
ended
A
new journey is about to begin…
-Age 18
June 8, 2006
The journey continues…
4 years ago
One journey ended,
One journey began
4 more years of hard work,
Achieving one of my dreams,
Of earning a college degree
The journey has been tough
Its reward has finally been won
The support from each of you,
Has helped me throughout the years
And has given me the strength to keep going
When things became difficult
My journey is far from over
No matter where I go
If I just keep believing,
I can achieve great things.
The future is still waiting for me
The journey continues.
-Age 22
May 21, 2010
The
journey ends here
6
years ago, a journey began
2 ½ years
ago, the journey continued
The
journey finally ends here.
Many
years of education
Many
years of support and encouragement
Years
of dedication,
Hard
work and sacrifice
Have
finally reached their end
A Master’s
degree
The
final piece of the journey
Successfully
achieved
A
dream goal finally reached.
An educational
journey is finally over.
A career
journey soon to begin.
-Age
24
November
23, 2012
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