This was originally going to be a blog focusing on one topic: Faith but then more thoughts entered my mind and thus one topic became three topics. So bear with me here. It's probably going to be a little crazy and random here.
First of all I feel like I'm losing my faith a little bit. Like my faith has dwindled. I still go to church on a regular basis. I still believe and everything but something is different. I feel like I've lost some of my faith. I mean I've never really been terribly religious but I feel like I've lost some of it lately.
With everything going on in my life, you might think that perhaps I'd turn more to my religious faith to help me get through. Yet, that's not really the case. In a way, I feel like I've almost turned away from it. Like I've almost given up on it too.
I have so many people sending prayers my way, so many people telling me that God has a plan for me. Yet, I don't feel it. I don't say any special prayers for me to get through this. I feel as though, yes God does have a plan. Perhaps yes, he is there to help me. Yet for some reason, I don't put my faith into it as much I probably should.
I do feel like in a way I've lost my faith. Like I don't feel so strongly about it anymore. Not so much that I've turned away from it but more like I feel like I'm focusing on other things to get me through instead of my faith; instead of prayers.
In other words, I should be praying more. I should be turning more to my faith to try and help me through my struggles but I'm not. I'm not really doing anything much different now.
My faith is still there but it doesn't seem as much anymore.
I've been doing a lot of thinking regarding my clothing style lately. I realize that I'm going to have to dress more professionally now especially for interviews. It's going to take some getting used to for me. During my student teaching I had to dress professionally everyday and I did. I wore nicer clothes and wore some makeup but as soon as I would get home, I'd change into more comfortable clothing and wash off all my makeup. During my practicum here, I would also dress up but more business casual and a lot of times, I didn't wear any makeup.
The thing is that I'm perfectly happy wearing jeans or capris and a t-shirt and tennis shoes. I don't even do anything very fancy with my hair and just usually wear it in a ponytail. I realize now that I'm going to have to change my style somewhat and that it'll take some getting used to. I don't have to dress too fancy. I don't have to wear skirts or dresses all the time. I can wear nice pants and polo or otherwise comfortable shirts. I just have to get used to it.
The thing is though I look at others and see what they're wearing and I think I could never pull off the look the same way. That I'd even if I were to wear the same clothes they do, I wouldn't look much different. As it is, I look much younger than I am which I usually don't mind but when it comes to trying to look more professional it does present a bit of a problem. I feel like people don't take me very seriously when I try to dress more professionally because I don't feel like I look the part.
I look at people like my therapists who dress professionally and I feel like they look more professionally dressed than I ever could. I look at some of the things other college students wear and wish I could wear some of the same things and be able to pull off the looks like they do.
For example, a lot of the students I see wear boots and I wish I could wear them but I feel as though I can't pull that look off. Some of the clothes I see others wear make them look older, more grown-up than anything I wear.
I realize that my style is more nerdy and I don't really mind it. Usually I'm happy with how it is but sometimes I do look at others and wish I could look more like them. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like, what I would look like wearing the same clothes. But then I wonder, would I even be me? Would it change who I was? Would I even be happier dressing differently?
Just something I think about on occasion.
Lastly, I want to say that if it wasn't for my writing ability I'd probably go completely insane. Sometimes it seems as though the fact that I'm able to write and express myself in words is what helps keep me together. Some days just get so stressful and frustrating that I'm glad I'm at least able to have some way of calming myself down, something that helps me get through.Some days I feel like I just can't take it anymore and then I write about it and it calms me down. It's cathartic for me, therapeutic. It's the one of the few things I feel that keeps me from falling apart completely; that keeps me sane.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of writing because I've been under a lot of stress and pressure. There's been a lot on my mind. It's one way that I'm trying to deal with everything that's going on. I write because I don't know what else to do sometimes. It's another form of therapy for me.
I feel like I'm annoying people with how much I've been writing. Not here so much as on my writing Tumblr. I've been writing a lot of short blogs and other text posts on there lately. Sometimes I post more than one text post in less than an hour. For me though, it's helpful. That's why I created that writing Tumblr in the first place: as a place for me to express my thoughts. Lately my thoughts have come quickly. My mind thinks of so many things in a short amount of time and I just need a way to sort them all out; write them all down. I have a small notebook I use to write some of thoughts down for this purpose but when I'm online sometimes I need something like my little notebook and so that's where my Tumblr comes in.
I'm just so grateful for my writing ability, That I'm able to express myself with words written on paper. If you're a writer and are also someone who struggles with mental health issues, then you know what I'm talking about. Actually just about any writer could understand where I'm coming from, what I'm talking about.
I know this blog was random with a bunch of different topics and I hope I didn't lose anyone anywhere. As always, just a lot on my mind.
Thanks for understanding.
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