My parents came in last night for my graduation next week. There were some things that came up in conversations last night that I'm surprised I didn't break down. As I've been saying on my writing Tumblr, I've been feeling rather fragile in terms of my emotions lately. So to keep my composure now when they are around, is a bit of a miracle in itself.
First of all, I'm experiencing mixed emotions about my parents being here. I should be happy and I am happy to see them. However, it is a bit complicated. I guess with everything going on lately, I am just not as happy or excited to see them as I should be. I guess part of it also has to do with some of the pressure I feel they've been putting on me lately.
My mom even asked me last night if I was glad they were here. Really glad they were here. I told her I was even though it's not exactly the truth. It's more complicated then that how I really feel. I don't want to lie but I don't want to hurt their feelings either. It's not completely lying either. I AM happy but not at the same time.
Also last night we went downtown and walked around looking at the lights on The Square. We went to the Recycled bookstore and looked around there for awhile.
I told my parents I was interested in finding a "PostSecret" book and explained what it was. Luckily, the had one of the books in that day called "My secret". I got it right away since I knew the next time it probably wouldn't be there. I'd already gone in previously and asked and the staff informed me that those books were popular and usually went quickly.
After I picked up the book, we walked around the bookstore looking around. My mom remembered a book from the last time she had visited that she was interested in buying and wanted to see if it was still there. It was so she bought it.
It's a book about people who have died at the Grand Canyon. Either on purpose or by accident; people who have gone "over the edge". It was brought up how they can't really understand what would bring people to do something like that. I told them, I could see it. I could understand what might drive people to do that and I do.
If you've been reading this blog for awhile, especially lately, then you already know that I've been dealing with a lot of things. I feel fortunate to have at the strength or the ability to keep myself from ever taking things that far. I'm in therapy as a way to keep me from ever getting that far. Not that I would ever go that far, but you don't really know. Something could somehow have sent me "over the edge" had I not sought therapy.
It was at this point that my mom mentioned how that was why she'd been so concerned about me and about my brother. She was concerned that something like this could happen to us.It's nice to hear that she was concerned about us. I'm struggling and have gotten really down on myself before but I don't ever see myself as going that far ever. My brother on the other hand, maybe. I mean I would hope not but he has been diagnosed with depression. I haven't been diagnosed with any specific mental illness.
Still though, hearing this and admitting that I felt I could understand why someone would go to the extreme was a bit difficult. Just things have been rather difficult for me lately.
Like I've said so many times, no matter how bad things have gotten for me, I've never considered going to the extreme.
The "My Secret" book, like the Post Secret website, has a lot of secrets I feel I can relate to. A lot of things that other strangers have admitted that I've never admitted myself.
After we got back to my apartment last night, my dad got interested in looking at the book and would share some of the secrets he found interesting from the book. Some of those secrets were hard to hear for me. Hard for me to admit that I've felt some of the same things. Some of those secrets were things I could never admit to relating to. Some of the secrets are that I can relate more to more than my parents ever could know. Things I'm afraid to admit to them.
Still though it brought up some conversations which were hard for me to talk about. Some things I didn't want to answer about and mostly didn't.
There were other things that were brought up in our conversation about some of these secrets. At one point, my mom mentioned hearing about something on Dr. Phil that made her apologize to my brother for whatever she or my dad did. She asked me if I thought they had been "bad" parents basically, and I said no. She even apologized to me.
My parents really did the best they could but sometimes I can't help that's some of the things they did raising me have caused my problems. I don't blame them though. I try not to. They did the best they could.
Also yesterday, my mom told me that she’s noticed I’ve grown up a lot within the past 2 months. Not quite sure how I feel about this. I feel like I’ve had to in a way.
In the last 2 months, I feel like I have had to grow up. With everything I’ve been dealing with.
I've had to do things despite not wanting to. Knowing that I've had to get things done.
I don't really know or understand what she means by this. I don't really know how I've grown up when the truth is that I'm terrified of doing so. I think that's really part of my problems: I'm terrified of growing up. Also with so much happening in the past couple of months, it's almost hard for me to feel like I've grown up.
Sometimes I almost feel like a scared little children that doesn't know how handle myself. Especially lately it seems.I really don't feel so much like a grown-up.
Finally I want to mention something in regards to my dad. I was born to older parents and I believe I've mentioned this before. My dad is a Veteran. He fought in the Vietnam War. I was told this but don't know the stories. I have never asked and I don't want to ask. I'm sure it would be an interesting part of history for me but I don't ask because I'm sure it's a hard subject for my dad. I know it is.
According to my mom, my dad still gets nightmares from it. I don't ask about it for this reason. As it is, just writing it down here makes me a bit nervous. I almost feel it's too private to mention. But at the same time, it made me think of something in relation to my problems recently. Possibly.
There's all this talk now about post traumatic stress disorder and how a lot of veterans and soldiers suffer from it. And really it makes sense why.
Back when my dad was younger, people didn't understand this so it went unnoticed. I'm not saying it's what my dad has but it wouldn't surprise me. Especially how long it's been since it happened.
But I know it has had an impact on him. Perhaps has had an impact on me and I didn't even know it. I'm not saying his problems have anything to do with me but then again maybe they do a little bit.
I've been trying to find a reason for me struggling with some mental health issues. I know my brother suffers from depression but I don't or at least I don't struggle with it to be specifically diagnosed as such. They say depression is heredity or supposedly. So there's the possibility that I could develop it as well.
I've never really thought about my parent's being a possibility until now. Perhaps my dad? I mean, he did experience this before I was born. Still though, I highly doubt it. Just something I got to thinking about.
There's just been a lot of conversation with my parents already. Things I have feelings about and would rather not talk about. Things that it's taken me every ounce of strength not to break down over; keep composure. (Things that just have aggravated the problem basically; made it more difficult not to break down over).
The conversations are far from over. I just hope I can manage to keep myself together.
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