Here's the situation

Graduation is over and while I'm not exactly breaking down as much, I still feel pretty fragile in terms of my emotions. I still feel as though I could break down at almost any moment.

I'm so uncertain with my future at the moment. That uncertainty from my last therapy session is still running extremely high.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since Friday night. Trying to figure out what's next in my life.

Where do I go from here? What do I do now?

The thing is that I really don't know.

The only thing I really know is that I'm applying for jobs. I'm not exactly motivated to do so but I have to.

The thing is that the more pressure to apply for jobs that is being put on me, the less motivated I become to actually do so.

At this point, I've only applied for a couple of positions and haven't heard anything back yet.

I'm almost overwhelmed with how many jobs I need to apply for and I think that's contributing somewhat to my lack of motivation.

In the meantime, however, I'm trying to figure out what to do next.

I'm home for the holidays and I'm supposed to be deciding what to do next.

This is the situation: Financially it's not possible for me to continue living in Denton. I'm not working and my parent's cannot continue to support me financially.

So right now, unless I hear something from any job positions I've applied for, after the holidays I'll be returning to Denton and moving my stuff into storage. Then I'll return home and live here while I continue searching for a job.

It's better for me to save money by living at home. However,  I really don't want to do this and since I'm not sure I'll hear anything back before I have to head back, I'm trying to figure out what else to do.

I can stay in Denton as long as I find a job to help pay for expenses in the meantime meaning food and rent. 

However, what job do I look for to help me when I go back?

Again, this is all speculative at the moment. If I don't hear anything back by the end of January.

Still though I have no idea where to look. I'm so lost and confused on where to go; what to do next.

I could think of very few possibilities for job positions.

First of all, I could try and find something on the UNT campus. However, because I'm no longer a student, I'm not sure what type of position I'd be able to find.

I have also considered the possibility of perhaps working at Barnes & Noble but they most likely won't have any positions available by the time I head back.

There's a third option that I COULD do but really really don't want to do and that's Substitute Teaching. I realize it would be something and that it would bring in money.  However, I really really don't want to do this.

So where does that leave me then?

The public library doesn't have any positions available and that's really the only other place I'd be interested in working.

 I guess the thing is that finding temporary employment wouldn't be so difficult if I wasn't so picky. I don't want to work in a grocery or in fast food or restaurants which doesn't allow much other options. I'm not sure why exactly but I just don't. I've never really wanted such type of positions.

Because of that I don't have a clue what other types of positions that I could be interested in; what else I'd want to do.

I'm just so confused of what to do.  I don't exactly want someone to decide for me but at the same time, I need some ideas. Some suggestions of what I should do.

The other thing is that with everything so up in the air right now, I'm not even sure I would have to look for something upon my return to Denton. There's that possibility that I may have landed a job by then and won't have to find something else.

But there's still that chance and that's what concerns me. The uncertainty scares me so much.

I feel like I don't have much time left. I only have until the end of January and that's not a lot of time for things to happen.

I realize that I still have time but it'll go quickly.

I just need something. Some sort of sign.