The ending of a journey

Graduation is on Friday. It still terrifies me thinking about it. I still break down in tears because of how scared I am over it.

I think I'm starting to understand my fear somewhat though.

This is the end of an educational journey for me. The first time I won't be going back to school for some time.

I've been going to college continuous for 6.5 years. No breaks in between. No time off. No sitting out for a semester or even a year. (I'm talking actual breaks between semesters; not the breaks during summer.)

That's not even counting the 13 years of regular schooling (K-12th).  I have not once taken a break between my degrees.

Even when I failed to get into the Master's program at Oklahoma State, I didn't take a break or want to take a break to figure out what to do next. I found a program that I could apply for and get into for Fall 2010 so I did.

I didn't want to wait. I wanted to continue right away.

I guess I was afraid that if I took time off, I wouldn't want to go back. I was afraid, I'd get too comfortable being out of school that by the time I went back,  I wouldn't be as motivated.

My motivation was there already. I wanted to continue. I didn't want to stop. Even though it might have been helpful to me somewhat. Especially considering the chaos that happened.

But now, this is it for me for awhile. Sure I might go back to college at some point. Sure I want to go back to at least get my minors. But that won't be for a while. That won't be until I've been working in my career for some time.

Schooling and studying is all I've ever know at this point. Sure I've worked too but nothing like this. Nothing like what awaits me in the near future.

I've never had an actual career before.  This is going to be so much different and it scares me.

Everything I've worked for, stressed over, studied for, has all come down to this.

It's scary for me. Downright scary.

I know I should be proud. I should be happy and I am deep down. I know I am.

However, for me, I'm more terrified than any of this. It's hard for me to feel anything else but terrified.

Having to change from "college mode" to "career mode" is scary to me. It terrifies me.

It's something that now I'm going to have to do.  My educational journey is ending. Really ending this time.

There's  nothing more after this. No more graduations. No more grad school.

Nothing but a career and being a full on adult.

I think that's what's the scariest part yet.