Secret life, fears, and the end of therapy again

This is going to be a long blog post again and another one covering many topics. So let's begin..

Sometimes it feels as though I'm leading a secret life; one that my family knows nothing about.
The Internet and my therapists seem to know more about me then they do. There is so much I've told the Internet and my therapists that I haven't told my family. So much I've confessed here in this blog and my writing Tumblr that my family knows nothing about.

Things that I feeling could never tell them out of fear. Fear of what exactly still remains a mystery. At this point, I've stopped telling my family a lot of things. Because they wouldn't understand. I feel like I can't trust them anymore.

Well perhaps it's not so much I don't trust them exactly. Just there's some things that are difficult for me to be able to talk about with them.

I don't have to tell them everything and lately I haven't told them everything. I hate keeping secrets from them but it feels as though I have to lately.

They don't really know how much I'm truly suffering. I feel a though I have to hide that from them. I feel like I'm almost lying to them. Saying that everything is a lot better than it really is. I feel like when they ask me how I'm doing and I reply "I'm doing fine" that I'm just covering up. I don't want them to be more concerned about me than needs to be.

Then again lately as we've gone deeper and deeper into my problems, my parents may have more to do with the cause of some of my problems than even they would realize. So perhaps it's also because of this that I'm not telling them some of the things going on.

As graduation draws nearer and nearer, I'm finding myself getting less and less excited and more and more terrified. Everyone is excited about it for me and they think I should also be excited about it.

I am. Somewhat. But I'm finding it really hard to get excited when I'm more terrified about it. Every time I think about it, I feel like crying and frequently do because of how scared I am. I'm actually scared of graduation this time around.

The finality of what it means; the end of my educational journey basically. Having to go out into the "real world". Instead of exciting me, it terrifies me. I'm not ready; I don't feel ready.

Perhaps this is another part of my "perfectionist" nature. Perhaps that's why I'm so terrified. Because I don't feel ready. I don't feel prepared enough. I'm afraid of failing miserably.

Graduation should be exciting but instead it's scaring me. Instead of being motivated to move on, I'm shrinking away from it; wanting to run away because it's just so frighting to me.

I have 1 more week. 1 more week of what I guess I could say is innocence before reality sets in.

Finally, as it tends to have been happening at the end of each semester since I started going to therapy. I got to wondering if I need to go back. My therapist has basically told me that I should continue which I agree with. However, today I really got to thinking about it and started wondering.

There's only one thing left I want to mention to my therapist before we end and it's something that was brought up in this week's session. The whole "perfect" thing. Actually a couple of things since I also want to share the quote I found with her.

But the thing is what's left? What will be left to talk about with my "new" therapist when I find them? I know that I'll have to once again go through the whole explanations of what led me to counseling in the first place. I'm sure once I have my records sent from the Clinic, there will be more to talk about. But to have a reasoning or something to talk about right at first? I don't think I have one right now.

I've mentioned so much to my therapists here and particularly this semester. We've talked about my problems in such great detail and length that I'm not quite sure what's left.  The other thing is that some of my problems right now will no longer be such problems after our sessions end.

I know my problems won't go away entirely. Some may go away on their own but new ones might develop. Wherever I eventually end up may result in some of my problems coming back.

It's almost like after this past week, I've said almost all I could say for now. I'm sure my therapist has some things to wrap up with me; some ways to help me cope between therapists. I'm sure she may have some ideas of things I can keep working on; should keep working on.

I know I still have things to work on and that I should continue working on. But it seems that for right now at least, perhaps things are just wrapping up naturally on their own. Perhaps I'll be able to handle things on my own for awhile.

The thing is that when I think about a new therapist, I realize I'm going to be starting over. That I'm going to have to explain things again.

But the thing is that after being in ongoing therapy for at least 2 years (if I'm to count the short term counseling I sought last year, 2011, at SCC), I've made a lot of progress. Well things aren't 100% resolved but things are a lot better and are continuing to get better.

The things that took me into therapy in the first place, seem to have been resolved for the most part. Or at least, I'm handling them better.

I don't know what if anything at this point will actually send me back to therapy. I just know I should continue going; I feel like I need to keep going to keep me on track. I'm sure I'd find something to talk about. Something else I could work on.

Could it be that things are working themselves out without me realizing it? Starting to work themselves out? Could it be that I've finally made enough progress that I no longer need therapy for now? 

How could this be though when only this week, I was so emotional worked up and barely keeping things together? How can this be when I still feel like my life is still a bit complicated and still getting frustrated?

How can this be when I still get in my moods? When I still get depressed and feel blue or lonely for no apparent reason?  When I still struggling with some anxiety issues? (Ok so maybe I still have some unresolved issues after all)

I don't really understand. I don't really know.

All I know is that right now as I write this, I feel better about things. How things are looking right now. I'm still dealing with things, definitely, but I'm feeling better about them right now. 

That's not to say that things can't or won't change in the time leading up to my last session next week. Things could get worse all of a sudden or they can continue to get better.  Just have to wait and see.

As always, a lot on my mind.
Thanks for reading!

Update (5:40PM): Then again if I'm truly doing fine, why else would I just have broken down crying for apparent reason just now?  Maybe this is what my therapist is concerned about. Maybe she sees this happening more often if I don't continue therapy. Perhaps she realizes that under certain conditions I could essentially "fall apart" and that's why she wants me to continue. Perhaps she's being proactive in this sense. Maybe she realizes that I truly have problems that without continued therapy, could develop and become much worse. I could become much worse. Sure things may seem fine right now but it probably won't last.  Something could just trigger a reaction from me and send me back into therapy; trigger a emotional breakdown. Basically a string inside me, that is so fragile that it could break without warning.  Maybe I'm not as fine as I'm thinking I am.