"My Secrets"

After reading the Post Secret book My Secret, I feel as though I want a place to write down all the secrets from the book that I feel I can relate to. That are essentially also my secrets.

So that's what this blog post is for. I'm going to write down the secrets in the order they appear in the book. I will also include my own comments in italicized.

"I hate this town but I'm so afraid to leave" Pretty much how I feel a bit about Denton. I hate it mostly because I'm alone there. But I'm afraid to leave because it means having to start over again in a new place. Although I don't really hate it in Denton so much any more. At least  not since I've finally found a friend there. Still though, 2 1/2 years of trying with almost nothing to show for it was extremely frustrating.

" I wish guys loved me like they love my friends" Sometimes I feel as though guys will never like me. I don't see myself as being all that attractive like some of my friends. I've never even been in a relationship. Sometimes I doubt I'll ever find a guy who loves me like they love my friends.

"9, 898 students and I've never felt more alone"Accurate. College made me feel more alone than ever. Particularly grad school being that I was in an online program. So many students and I felt so lost in the crowd.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't believe...so I could stop feeling like I am just disappointing him." I've felt like I've lost some of my faith recently. I feel like I've become a bit of a disappointment because I've stopped putting my trust in him.

"I feel out of place in a group of friends." I've just always felt a bit different. Even when I've been with a group of my closest friends, I've felt out of place. Like I just don't "fit in". I've never really felt like I "fit in".

"I forgot to plan what happens next" I just graduated recently with my Master's degree and I feel like I have no plan. I don't know what happens next. There's so much uncertainty that I just feel so lost. Like I don't know what to do.

"I've been reaching out for help for over a year. But no one pays enough attention to even notice. What's the next step?" This has felt more accurate recently in terms of the Internet and some of the social media sites I visit. I feel like I've been reaching out so much in the past year but no one seems to care. It's almost like no one realizes how much I'm struggling or that they just don't seem to care enough to try and help me. I just feel like I'm alone on the Internet.

"I don't feel entirely alone when I through the postcards on your website, or rather I still feel alone, but I feel like there are more people alone with me.-New York"
This confession makes me feel so much better. Makes me realize that even though I may feel like I'm alone, I never really am. Other people are struggling with some of same things as I am. If they can make it through, so can I. 

"I want  to talk to somebody because they care not because it's their job" I don't feel this way too often though. Just on occasion and lately not at all.   I feel as though I have found someone who genuinely cares about me. I

"When I write in my journal, I feel like I'm writing a novel about a stranger; "one girls demise to insanity" Sometimes I don't know who this is that I'm writing about. I don't seem to recognize myself anymore. I feel almost like I don't really know who I am anymore with everything going on.


"Barely here" Sometimes I feel as though I'm barely here. Barely surviving. 

"If you feel like you are going insane, and you are trapped in a dysfunctional environment, You Are Not Crazy" Again this applies a lot recently. I feel like with everything going on in my life, that I am going crazy. This is just reassuring to me to read this. 

"Sometimes I wish I was better at faking it"  Not sure what exactly this secret is referring to but for me I wish I was better at faking my emotions recently. I wish I could fake "happiness" to my family members only so that they wouldn't know just how much I'm struggling. So that they weren't so concerned for me. I just don't want them to know how much emotional pain I'm really in sometimes. 
Sometimes I feel as though they are more concerned for me than really needs to be. 

I am afraid that the only thing I like to do , won't take me anywhere. I hope I am wrong" Pretty much this. This happened time and time again when I was trying to decide what I wanted to focus on in college. I'm still not even sure I made the right decision. 

"Sometimes I miss God". Again I feel like I've lost a bit of my faith recently and sometimes I miss it. I miss my relationship with God, how it used to be. 

"I will always be the weird quiet girl"  And I'm learning to be ok with this. I'm starting to accept this is just part of who I am. I'm weird and yes, I'm a bit quiet. It's who I am. 

"I desperately want someone to recognize one of my secrets so I can finally stop pretending" Self explanatory I feel. Don't we all wish this sometimes? It would be so much easier if someone could recognize one of my secrets without me having to come out and tell them myself. 

"What you did will not define me! I broke free!" This one is somewhat true for me. Or at least I'm working on it being true. For those who have been following this blog will know that there was an Incident involving a neighbor of mine. I desperately am working on making this secret true. Sometimes I feel this secret is true and other times I still struggle with my guilt over what happened. It's getting better though.  

"I don't remember when jumping on the bed stopped being fun...but I dream of returning to such carefree days..." This secret made me think of being a child again and the innocence of being a child. I wish I could return to such carefree days. Days where I didn't have to deal with all of these struggles. To be young and innocent again. To not have to worry about being an adult. If only I could go back to such innocence. 

"I don't believe that "perfect families" exist...They all fuck you up" Again, I'm not one for writing profanity but this is exactly the secret and I'd prefer to write it exactly as written. Plus I'm actually getting better at how I feel about writing profanity. Still not comfortable but getting better. I'm never going to be one that uses it all the time.  Anyways, no family is perfect. Even my family is messed up. My parents raised me the best they knew how and I wouldn't exactly say I blame them for my problems but it's hard not to. It's hard not to admit that they did mess up. That they had an impact on why things are the way they are now. Why I'm struggling with some problems. 

"I'm terrified of growing up." And this is one of my problems recently. I don't want to grow up. It's scares me to become a full on adult. That's one of the reasons graduation frightened me. Because now I actually have to grow up and I don't feel ready to do so yet. I don't want to be a grown up. 

"I just want to be a good person" Doesn't a lot of people want this at some point in their lives? I know I'm a good person and I try hard to be a good person even if it's not always easy.



"Surprise! Adolescence is not an exciting adventure. It's actually very boring and lonelier than you could ever imagine."   So accurate. I struggled so much with friendships especially as an adolescent. It was so horrible. 

 
"I haven't told you everything" And I may never tell you everything. This secret is so true in regards to my parents especially. They don't know everything and I doubt they ever will know everything. 

"Let me tread my own path. Don't worry I will be fine. " Applies lately in regards to me figuring out what to do next in my life. Trying to apply for jobs and such. My  family is putting so much pressure on me that I don't know what I want to do. If they would just back off and let me figure things out on my own, I'd be alright. Things will work out. I'll figure things out on my own. I know they are only trying to help. 

"I miss you, I love you, but I don't know who you are, YET" You're out there somewhere and I'll find you. 

"I'm afraid that deep down, I am truly unworthy of another person's love" For me this applies to a future boyfriend/husband. I feel as though I'm not attractive enough for anyone to love me. I often wonder why anyone would find me attractive. Sometimes I don't even feel as though I'm not attractive enough. 

"I'm scared to tell you that I'm scared. Are you scared too?" Self-explanatory. Sometimes it's hard to admit that I'm scared about something. But it's also comforting to know someone else is scared too.

" I know I have a secret inside me, but I don't know what it is" I don't always know what my secrets are either until someone else writes them down. 

"When I was a kid, I thought I was special, Now I'm not so sure" Same. I used to feel special for my talents and for being smart. But then I would see someone else who was "better" and not feel as special. I still feel that way sometimes. Sometimes I feel as though no one is really special. I don't really feel all that special. 

 "I finally know who I am" or at least I'm trying to know who I am. For me, this is a partially true secret. I think I'm starting to figure out who I am and have mostly found who I am.  It's not always easy. Someday I hope this secret really will be true for me. 


So there you are. Secrets other strangers admitted that were also some of my secrets. Strangers that share some of the same fears and secrets as me. Secrets that show that we aren't so alone after all.