New Job

So I haven't posted in a while because I've been a bit busy. Or at least I've been busy for the last couple of weeks.

I started a job on the 20th. A job that I really didn't want in the first place. A job that when I found out that I'd gotten resulted in me having a bit of a breakdown. I just couldn't stop crying for very long.  My stomach felt like it was in a permanent knot that I just couldn't seem to get rid of it.

I just really didn't want the job and technically I still don't.  After only a day, I was already dreading going in the next day. I still dread going in every day. That's how much I really can't stand this job.

I'm working in the Deli department of a local grocery store. It's extremely demanding physically which is one of the reasons I didn't want the job in the first place.  At the end of each day, I've been physically sore. My feet have been especially. There hasn't been a day yet where I haven't been in some sort of pain. I'm on my feet the entire time and sometimes I don't even get a break.

The work isn't exactly difficult, just extremely demanding physically. Also it gets overwhelming at times.  As it was, I worked on Christmas Eve and nearly had an anxiety attack. Had I not taken a break when I did, I would have broken down in tears. I felt like I just couldn't do anything right and just really got overwhelmed with everything I needed to get done.

I still feel that way on a regular basis. My stomach is still in a bit of a knot at times. Especially when I'm around my boss. I get extremely nervous although I try not to show it.  My boss is a stickler for rules and things being done a certain way. It gets overwhelming try to make sure everything is done the way he wants.  I often find myself having to really keep it together around him as I could break down in tears at any moment.

Ugh. I'm just trying to make it day to day at this point. I really am just 100% done with this job. This work is beyond exhausting. I feel like I haven't had a proper day's rest in a long time.   Trying to get everything done on time is stressful.  Right now I'm working the grill area and I really don't like it. Part of my job involves cleaning the fryer and I hate it.

But what's worse is that this is only one part of the Deli area. I still have other areas that I'll have to learn and each one has it's own things that need to get done. It's overwhelming to think about and I'm really not looking forward to it.

I desperately want to quit. If only I could. It's complicated.

This whole job thing has really messed up everything. Every day feels like a normal day to me. My weekends are non-existent now.   I don't get to spend much time with my family anymore especially in the evenings. I don't get a chance to eat dinner with them anymore due to my schedule.

I'm so tired and sore when I get home that I don't feel like doing much else. I miss being able to play my video games. I also don't have a lot of time to read anymore.  I hate it.  This job is also so demanding that I don't even have much time to apply and look for other jobs.

I know I need a job so I can earn money and move on with my life but this job? I really can't stand it and I want out ASAP. The amount of work I do for the amount of money I earn, just doesn't seem worth it to me.

I've tried to give this job a chance and I have. I tried to keep an open mind going in despite not wanting it in the first place.  I did and now I'm done. I really don't like it. I'm tired of being tired and sore at the end of the day.

Yes the money is nice and it does keep my mind distracted and occupied. It keeps me from thinking too much. But at what price? This job is also taking a toll on my physically. My lower back and feet are taking the most of it. My hands have been dry and peeling from the gloves and my lips have been extremely chapped.  I'm ready to be done with this job.

I'm hoping that 2014 will be a better year for me. I want to find a job I'll be happy with.  I'm hopeful that a new job comes up for me soon so I can get out of this one.

I want out of this job so much, I'm desperate. Someone else please hire me and soon!!

Librarian Rant

Librarian

It sounds like such a simple name for someone like me. I can say that I'm a librarian because I have the degree to prove it. I have a Master's degree in Library Science (MLS). 

Just because I'm not currently employed doesn't mean I'm not still a librarian. I'm one regardless. 

However, I'm finding out that a Librarian isn't as simple sounding as I thought. At least when it comes to the general public. 

First off, not many people realize that to be an actual librarian, you have to go college and get a Master's degree. To be a true librarian, you have to have the degree. However, just because someone may not have a degree specifically for a librarian, doesn't mean they aren't librarians. 

After all, the children's librarian at my hometown public library doesn't have an MLS. She was previously a teacher at one of the local middle schools. It just depends on the library and the requirements. Most times though, an MLS degree is required. 

Also, just because someone works in a library doesn't automatically make them a librarian. I don't know how many times I got people thinking I was a librarian when I was really just a library page. Like any other job, a library has many different staff members and not everyone is a librarian. 

This assumption irritated me then and still does now. I realize that to the general public it doesn't really matter. To someone like me though, it does. 

This assumption also makes itself known in other ways too and it's extremely annoying. 

The name "Librarian" brings to mind a variety of assumptions and stereotypes. People think about librarians as being strict ladies with tight buns and glasses that go around shushing people all the time. This is far from the truth though. 

People also seem to have this idea in mind that having a degree in Library Science means you can work in any type of library. This is also not entirely true. 

Like many other fields of study, there are specific concentrations one can take or you can take just a general program. It all depends on the university and what their Library Science program is like. 

For me, my concentration is in Youth Librarianship. This program focused on training me for  "professional positions in different settings including metropolitan, suburban, and rural public libraries, community colleges and academic libraries where they can provide library services to people who teach and work with youth and youth-related information services"  

My desired placement is within a public library. That's where I'd ultimately like to be.

However, when I tell people about wanting to be a "Children's Librarian" and wanting to work with children, they automatically think of a "school librarian". When I try to explain that I can't be a school librarian, they don't understand. 

No, I don't want to be a school librarian and in most cases, I can't even if I wanted to (which I don't). Most places (although not all), require a special certification as a school librarian. For my particular university, in order to even get into the School Library Media Certification program, you had to teach in a school for at least 2 years before applying for the program. 

Yes, I do have my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. Yes, for a while, I considered being a school librarian. But that all changed. I realized I didn't want to be a school librarian and instead wanted to be more of a children's librarian in a public library. 

I still don't want to be a school librarian. At least not right now. One reason is that when I took a school library course as an elective in my degree program, it wasn't what I expected. I felt so lost in that course and just felt so out of place with everyone else. Not only that, but the professor just wasn't that great. She made me feel like I was stupid.  It just wasn't a good experience for me. 

I realize that I shouldn't let that one class get to me and make me pass up potential job opportunities. However, it does. I just want to stay away from school libraries for the time being.  Maybe later on down the road, I'll consider it but for now, I want to stay away. 

But other people don't understand this and keep pushing me to apply for school library jobs. That's all I hear. now. "Oh this place is opening a new school. You should apply to be a librarian". "Have you tried applying for this school? They have a library position available".

I'M SO TIRED OF IT!! Just because I'm a librarian and specifically a youth services librarian, doesn't automatically qualify me to be a school librarian. People don't understand the difference though. They don't understand that I just can't apply for school library positions. 

I don't qualify for most of them because many require that certification as a School Library Media which I don't have.  It's frustrating to try and explain this over and over to people.  Especially people who keep pressuring me to apply for the schools.  They don't understand and I'm frankly tired of explaining. 

I don't want to work in a school library if I had the choice to work in a public library. Similarly, I'd much rather work in a public library over an academic library if I had the choice. A public library is where I feel the most comfortable. It's where I feel like I can provide the best services. That's my focus when it comes to jobs. 

I realize it might be limiting me but that's what I want. At this point, I'm not even specifically focusing on youth services jobs in a public library. I'm just trying to get into a public library. I have even tried a couple school libraries and academic libraries without much luck. 

But I'm just tired of people pressuring me to keep applying for school libraries when it's not what I ultimately want.  

Just because I'm a librarian doesn't mean I'm qualified to work in all libraries or in all areas of a library. There's much more to being a librarian and it's much more complex than people realize. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and other things

I really couldn't come up with a good title for this blog post. As it is, I've been feeling less than motivated to do much of anything lately including writing.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year and have only written 248 words out of the goal of 50,000. I was on vacation when it began so that put me behind by about 6 days.  But then, when I returned I just couldn't get myself motivated and still can't. Now I'm extremely behind and the thought of how many words behind I am just makes me panic and less willing to do it.  Basically I've hit a mental block and just have given up at this point. I'm still going to work on my novel but only when the desire to write returns which may not happen this month.

Anyways, I've just been struggling with the desire to write lately. Struggling with a lot of things actually.  Ever since returning from our trip to Texas, I've just felt different. I'm not sure why exactly either.I'm sure part of the reason I've been feeling the way I do is because of the lack of sleep and then the time changes from the trip. However, I'm sure there are also other reasons.  It feels like it's taking me longer to recover from this trip than is normal.

Since returning, I've just felt really tired; like I don't have much energy.  I find myself just feeling like I don't get enough rest. There have been a few mornings where I just wake up feeling so tired and not wanting to get out of bed. Like I've already mentioned, I've also felt an extreme lack of motivation. I don't feel like writing or even catching up on Tumblr (although I finally did that last weekend).  I don't even have motivation to apply for jobs (not that that's very much different).  My emotions have also just felt out of control. As it was, on Monday November 4, during our trip, I woke up with my mind just racing with thoughts and I was just in tears. Throughout the day, I just felt more anxious and felt close to tears.  Since returning, I've still felt sadness and heightened anxiety and I don't understand why. I feel almost like I did before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

Which got me thinking about the possibility of having Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I can honestly say that since the weather started getting colder, I've felt as though my depression and anxiety has worsened a bit.  When I looked more into SAD , all the things I've been feeling lately certainly make sense and I'm wondering if I have it.  Of course, I don't know for sure.

I would have asked my therapist about it last week but I was unable to do. I had to end up cancelling my session due to unforeseen circumstances even though I really could have used it. I have a session this week though and hopefully she'll be able to help me figure out what's going on.

This isn't the first time the possibility of having SAD has come to my mind. I've thought about having it before back when I was in high school; during my 12th grade year especially.  That was when I was juggling working part-time at the library, taking college classes, and regular high school classes.  I remember just feeling more drained of energy and more tired when the weather started getting colder. My friends at the time, also seemed to notice as well as some other people.   I'm not sure where I thought about the term SAD but I remember hearing about it and thinking about the possibility of having it. I also remember just not feeling as happy. I didn't think too much about it at the time. I figured that maybe I was just tired from juggling everything.  

However, thinking about it now, I can see a bit of a pattern.  Even during college, I would just feel a lack of energy when the weather got colder.  My nervous breakdown happened during Fall 2009; around the time the weather started getting colder.  Last year, I started having more breakdowns and feeling just more sadness as the weather got colder. I just really fell into a depressive state and just felt worse and worse as time went on. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was exactly.

Just looking at this though, I can see a bit of a pattern that could possibly be SAD. Because I do remember feeling a bit better when the weather started getting warmer. I wouldn't feel as tired or a lack of energy. I remember just also feeling a bit happier in general. I didn't feel as though a grey cloud was hanging over me as much. Things just in general, seemed a bit better for me. Again, this makes me wonder if I have SAD in addition to Major Depressive Disorder. It really wouldn't surprise me if I did though.

It seems that ever since being officially diagnosed, I've noticed how a lot of mental health disorders tend to overlap and I'm feeling as though my problems are a lot more complicated than I originally thought. I'm finding that I possibly have other disorders that are linked with my anxiety and depression. I think I have a bit of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and perhaps I also have SAD. Like I said, hopefully my therapist will help me figure out what's going on during our session this week.

Speaking of high school, I was finally approved into the Facebook group for my High School Graduation class.  I don't know why but one night, I was looking at some of my old classmates' profiles. It was a bad idea. I felt so horrible afterwards. I looked at a lot of my classmates' pictures and almost didn't recognize some of them. Many of them look so different now. Many of them are married and/or have kids. It  made me feel awkward and a bit inferior compared to them. I look at myself and I look at them. Many of them look different than they did in high school . I look at myself and I feel like I haven't changed much at all.

I still look pretty much the same as I did in high school. I don't even really dress all that differently than I did back then. I mean, it's my style and everything but still, it doesn't make me feel much better. Yet, I know that I am different.  I'm certainly different inside. I've fought difficult battles that my classmates don't know about. Struggling with mental health issues, has changed me. I'm no longer the person I was back then.  I've experienced things that many of my classmates didn't. Such as moving away from home to attend college in a whole different state and attending grad school.

I know I'm different on the inside. I'm not the same as I was back then. I feel like back in high school, I was a different person. While I've never really been a really confident person or even extremely outgoing, I do feel like I was a bit more so back then than now. I'm not sure where exactly this all changed for me but it did.  In fact, I feel like I'm more anxious about things now than I was back then.

In fact, back when I was in high school, I was quite involved with things at church. I was in the Youth Group choir and was an Alter Server.  I even played piano for the choir.  While I got nervous performing, I still did it. Now, some of the church members who have known me for years, have asked me to help out while I'm here. I've been asked to be a Eucharistic Minister and also a Lector. Honestly though, I don't want to do either.

I've already been having a complicated relationship with my religion but besides that, thinking about helping out and being up there with all these people watching me and counting on me, is just making me extremely anxious. Just taking up the Offeratory gifts to the alter makes me nervous now. Thinking about being up on the alter now, just makes me extremely anxious and not want to do it.

Things have changed for me. I'm now more anxious about things that I wasn't nearly as anxious about before. It's strange and I don't really understand it.  Being on the alter singing with the choir and being an alter server, didn't really bother me back then. Now just thinking about being up there, is enough to make me nervous.

I don't know what is going on with my mind anymore. It would be nice if it could just make sense for once.

Sometimes I still wish that I had an explanation for my depression and anxiety.  I know someone who also has depression but there's was brought on by grief. Mine doesn't have an explanation like that; it just happened.

I wish things were that simple to figure out. I wish my mind would just make sense.

I keep searching for answers that I'll probably never find and I don't even know why I'm still looking for them.

Stuffed friends

Ok, I'll admit it. I still sleep with a stuffed animal. In fact, I sleep with several stuffed animals on my bed. I have a fairly good size collection.

There's one stuffed animal in particular that I tend to sleep with more than others though and that's my Watercolor bunny named "Splash". I made her last year at Build-A-Bear soon after I had my appendectomy. It was my first build and I was such a little kid making her. I was so happy and excited. I had a lot of fun!

Now I have a collection here at my parents house with me. 5 of the animals are my own builds, 1 virtual build (I purchased her online); 1 is a build that my nephew made for me; the rest, I've adopted from thrift stores.  I have several small fry animals which are mini versions of Build-A-Bear animals. I also have several Build-A-Bear friends in storage.

I can't help it. I love stuffed animals. They're very comforting to me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health issues. Any time I feel sad or anxious, I hug my animals and it helps me feel a lot better.

Ever since I was diagnosed, I noticed that I tend to gravitate more toward my stuffed animals. I find myself feeling the need to cuddle with them more.

There's just something about a stuffed animal that makes everything better for me. I guess when I think about it, it's a connection to my childhood and feeling comforted by a stuffed friend.

When I was younger, I had a small doll that rattled and called her "Rattle Baby". I had her for the longest time. She was well loved and I eventually had to put her away because she was just getting too worn out. I got another stuffed friend. A white rabbit that I named "Fluffy". It was a rabbit that I had gotten around the time my older brother moved away to Florida. The rabbit was a fairly big size and once again, I had it for the longest time.  I added more stuffed friends to the mix: a bean bag cat, a Tweety Bird, a small elephant I'd won as a prize from Peter Piper and named "Lucky". I eventually put all the others away and went back to just my rabbit. It got to the point where I had to put my rabbit away too.

There were times I didn't sleep with any stuffed friends. And for quite some time.  But eventually I started seeking comfort again and went back to sleeping with a stuffed friend.

Especially last year;my last semester of graduate school, when I started feeling really down and sinking into a depressive state. I needed comfort and I didn't have anyone. I was alone. I didn't have any friends and I was away from home.  So I turned to my stuffed animals.

I found comfort in them. They helped me not feel so alone. They comforted me during the nights when the tears just wouldn't stop falling.  They help me feel calmer when my anxiety was just going crazy.

My stuffed friends still do that for me. So what if I'm an adult. For me, my stuffed friends are therapeutic They help me deal with my anxiety and depression. In some ways, they help me fight it. They help me battle my inner demons and make me feel stronger and not so alone.

My stuffed friends help me feel truly safe and make me feel comfortable about my mental health struggles. They are the only other ones who have been there for me besides my therapist.

I still have my bad days but I seek comfort in knowing that just hugging my stuffed bunny or any of my other friends, can make me feel better.  My stuffed friends have become a big part of my recovery process. I know my collection of stuffed friends has grown since being diagnosed but yet, each one of them is important to me.

If anyone reading this also struggles with depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue, I encourage you to find a stuffed animal or another comfort object. Something that makes you feel "safe" and "secure". Sometimes I feel it's the only thing I need to feel better.

I'm not ashamed of it either and neither should anyone else be. If you need something to help you feel better, then go for it.

Flashback

I was browsing Facebook like one does when I saw a group suggestion for Alamogordo High School 2006; my graduating class. So I decided to check it out and ended up sending a join request.

I feel crazy for even sending the request since I'm sure not I want to be in contact with all these people. Not because all these people were mean to me or anything, just that I feel weird. 

On the plus side, I did discover that I'm not the only classmate who is still single and without kids. Although, many of the others that are single are guys. Still though, it makes me feel better knowing this. 

So then for some reason, I started thinking back to my memories from high school and middle school. I just started feeling very nostalgic. This lead to me thinking about the song "Never Give Up on the Good Times" by the Spice Girls.  

I'm not sure why either. Just a random thing I guess. 

Anyways, that's not what I even wanted to talk about. 

Seeing pictures of my classmates in this group got me thinking back to my memories of middle school and high school. It just brought back memories. 

I'll be honest though, I feel like I have a lot of memories that weren't exactly pleasant and those are the memories that tend to come up first when I look back.  When I think back, I feel like I have more unpleasant memories than pleasant ones. 

Middle school and high school weren't exactly difficult for me but they also weren't especially great either. Middle school was especially hard for me. Still though, I made it through relatively unscathed. 

I don't know. I guess I just worry what my other classmates remember about me and that's why I'm anxious about joining this group. I wasn't popular or anything. I was just me. I was nerdy and was just mostly nice person. I helped a lot of people in class with assignments because that's just who I was. 

Yet, I don't feel like I'm someone people would remember exactly. I wasn't someone who stood out.  In fact, many people made fun of me including people I thought were my friends. 

Even the classmates I am Facebook friends with I still feel awkward with. I don't even know what I'd say to them if I saw them in real life.  I really don't talk to anyone anymore. 

I just feel so distanced from everyone I grew up with. I feel like I've changed but at the same time not. I don't look very much different from when I was in high school.  

I guess in a way, I also feel inferior to my classmates even though I've accomplished more than many of them. I have a Master's degree and attended college out-of-state. I went straight to college after graduating from high school. I never took a break.

I'm also still single and without kids. I'm also without a job of any sort. So yeah, while I've accomplished what I've wanted, part of me does tend to compare myself to my classmates and not feel as great. 

I know I shouldn't compare myself and I should be proud of my accomplishments and I am. However, sometimes I just feel like I did nothing in my life if that makes any sense.

I've often said that when it comes time for my 10 year high school reunion, I'm not even sure I'd go to it. It all depends really. Especially since I don't feel that close to anyone really anymore. I don't even know who I'd talk to or hang out with if I did decide to go. Plus, with my social anxiety, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. I'd likely end up feeling so awkward and so out of place that I'd just end up not going.  Plus how many people would really remember me?

As it was, my Senior year of high school, I wasn't really at the high school all that much.  I was already taking college courses at the community college.  I missed out some things because I wasn't at  the high school for them. For instance, I missed out on the big Senior class photos. It did bother me a little bit but I got over it pretty quickly.

 The 2nd semester of my Senior year, I was hardly at the high school. I had 3 college classes plus I had requested 4th hour off. I was an aide for the guidance office and had maybe one actual high school class. I did make sure to participate in as many activities as I could though since it was my last year of high school but  basically, I was ready to move on to bigger and better things.

I'm not sure how I'll even feel if I get accepted to this Facebook group. I really don't know if I really want to be accepted.  Does anyone even care about me or remember me? Why would they really?   

Brain Dump

A bunch of thoughts on my mind tonight and a lot of feelings about them which really isn't uncommon for me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health problems. But I figured a brain dump post was in order to get them off my mind. So here you are. 

First off, I once again experienced some heightened anxiety tonight while at Saturday evening service.  My mom and I were asked to take the offertory gifts up to the alter tonight. I felt anxiety after we were asked but I was quickly able to calm myself.  Then another family sat next to us. I've never really been a big fan of people sitting next to me; strangers I mean. It definitely heightens my anxiety whenever this happens.  So I was even more anxious but once again, it passed. Everything seemed fine for the most part. The thing is though is that once again, I just felt a bit out of it. This has been happening a bit more often lately and I'm not entirely sure why.  But everything seemed to be ok in general. Even taking up the offertory gifts was not too bad. At least not until after we were heading back to our seats.  That's when my anxiety just shot up. I felt like I could just break down in a panic attack. But I didn't. Inside I felt extremely anxious but I just tried to relax and breathe deeply. Just try and calm myself down as much as possible and it seemed to work. I still felt pretty anxious for a bit though. 

The whole thing about it is that I don't get why I was so anxious. I used to do things like this without a second thought. Yet now, it seems like I get anxious with all sorts of things and I don't always understand.  It usually comes as a shock to me whenever I get anxious for no apparent reason.  But it's just something I'm learning to deal with. 

Speaking of religion, I'm still having conflicted thoughts on my relationship with my religion. I mean I still believe in God and what my religion says for the most part. But lately, I've just felt more and more distanced. I don't feel like my faith is nearly as strong anymore. I've felt this way for a while now; pretty much since I've been struggling with mental health issues.   To be honest, I have times where I really just don't feel like going to church services that week.  When I was living away from home, it was my decision if I went or not. But now that I'm living back home with my parents, I feel like I don't really have a choice but to attend.  I just feel like I'm not as interested in my faith so much anymore. 

I've said before how I've never really been an overly religious person and I'm still not. But lately, I feel even less so. If I could, I probably wouldn't attend services as often.  Right now though, I don't have that choice. At least I don't feel like I do.  Like I said, the whole thing is just complicated. 

Another thing that's been on my mind is this upcoming family reunion on my mom's side of the family. I'm not too thrilled about it. I'm happy to be getting away from my hometown for a bit but I'm not exactly thrilled to see relatives. The thing is that I'm the youngest of the first cousins and have always been. I was the last of the grandchildren. This reunion is with the cousin's and aunts and uncles from my grandfather's side of the family. My mom's side of the family is pretty large and this is the first family reunion in about 15 years. I was a lot younger at the last one.  

The thing is that I'm not exactly thrilled to be going and seeing all these relatives. First of all, being the youngest of the first cousins mean's that I'm pretty much on my own. There's 11 years difference between me and the next youngest cousins. There might be some other cousins but chances are that they'll either be way older than me or way younger than me. So regardless, I'm alone.  

Then there's the fact that because I'm the youngest, I'm also the only one not married and with a family. Not that that's a big deal. Just stating another fact. 

But the biggest thing is that I'm also the furthest away and have always been. My other cousins and relatives have all lived fairly close to one another. Because of this, they always spent a lot of time together. I've always felt like an outsider and I still feel that way a lot.  I hate feeling this way but it feels like that's just who I'm destined to be. I've almost always felt like an outsider. Too young to really interact with my older cousins and too old to really interact with some of my second and third cousins. Just an outsider. 

Then there's some family issues with my mom's siblings that I'm not exactly looking forward to. I'm going to have to be civil and most likely talk to them but I'm not exactly comfortable about the idea.   Basically, I'm not looking forward to the reunion much. I'm not sure what I'm even going to be doing. Most likely I'm just going to be attempting to make conversation and spending most of my time reading a book or working on my novel.  Alone as usual. *sigh*  It's just hard to be excited about spending time with relatives that I don't exactly know that well. 

I had a couple random memories pop into my head tonight involving some old "friends" of mine back when I was younger. One memory I have is that one of my "friends" would secretly steal something of mine as a joke and then laugh whenever I freaked out over it.  This happened a couple times when I was in middle school. I never found it funny. It was usually something small but whenever I'd notice it was gone and then ask my friends about it, they'd deny it and then laugh. I didn't find it funny at all. It was a mean prank to me and whenever I told my "friends" how mean it was, they'd get defensive and say I ruined their joke by taking it so seriously. I had a sense of humor but this wasn't something I found very funny. 

Another random memory that popped up in my mine involved sleepovers with some of my "friends".  More than once, I fell victim to being the one that would fall asleep first and then the other girls would play tricks on me. I hated it every time. What's even worse is that more than once my "friends" would convince me that they weren't going to do anything and I believed them. But they still would do things to me.  I tried so hard and so many times to stay awake but I just couldn't do it.  I remember once getting so angry with the others because I had to get up and volunteer at the library the next morning and they weren't letting me get sleep. 

Once again, they thought what they were doing was funny and I didn't. I'll admit that had I not been the victim at these sleepovers, I probably would have been a participated in playing tricks on another girl. But it never ended up that way.  It's not as fun when you're the one being tricked.

I guess in their eyes, I wasn't very "fun". I was different and I know they thought I was weird. Yet, they still invited me to do things with them. Granted, I was usually the last resort but still.  I guess I've just never been much of a person who likes being tricked even if it's just for fun.  

Thinking of this just now, made me remember how one of my teacher's played an April Fool's Day trick on us by giving us a hard test and saying it was a big part of our grade. I fell for it and got so upset that I was in tears because I couldn't do it. I felt even worse when told it was just a trick. 

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a gullible person and I do take things a little too seriously at times. But that's just how I am. I'm not as bad as I was when I was a child but still sometimes I don't always know when people are teasing or joking with me and take it seriously.

Speaking of my "friends" and tricks, I remember another time when they had me sit in a chair and covered my head with a blanket. It was all part of a "mind" game/trick.  They had me imagine I was in a hot desert and I needed to cool down. What item would I take off first? I said the blanket but that wasn't the answer they were looking for. So I remember taking off each item of clothing one by one thinking it was the answer until finally I had nothing left and my friends finally took off the blanket. They told me that the blanket was a hat and I was supposed to say hat. I of course didn't know that so here I was without any clothes on and feeling extremely exposed and awkward. Also angry with them. 

Now that I think about it, my "friends" were never really nice to me and it seemed as though they loved to play tricks on me because they knew how upset I'd get. It's like they did it on purpose. I mean, I did eventually realize that these girls were never really my "friends" but when I was younger, I didn't really know better. It's really no wonder why I have trouble making friends even now. After everything I went through growing up. I was basically a "joke" to those girls. I was the one they chose to pick on and leave outside of things.  

I still feel like an outsider a lot and I still struggle to feel like part of a group. I guess it now makes sense why. 

So those are all the thoughts that have been on my mind. At least the thoughts I've had today.  

That's the problem with having depression and anxiety and not having a whole lot to distract me. I tend to think too much which isn't good. My therapist pointed this out to me. I need to keep busy and distracted in order to keep my mind from thinking too much. I don't really have that right now. I'm working on it but it's a difficult process. 

So many thoughts....

The future scares me

I know it's ridiculous to think about this now but honestly the future scares me. Sometimes I just start thinking about things and start thinking about my future and what it will be like.

I think about things like marriage and children and honestly the thought makes me freak out a bit.

As far as I can remember, I've wanted to get married and have children.  I mean that's one of the things a lot of girls want when they grow up.

Yet, now I'm not so sure anymore. I've never been in a relationship before.  Not once. The thought of even dating freaks me out somewhat. I know what type of guy I'm interested in but still, I'm nervous about even the thought of someone finding me attractive.

Then there is the idea of meeting "the one" and getting engaged and then married.  It does make me anxious.

Then when it comes to having children. The whole thing freaks me out far too much thinking about it. I don't know if I could handle it.  I look at some of my old high school friends/classmates who have children and wonder if I could ever be like them.

Then there's the bad side. What if things didn't go well with a pregnancy of mine? Would I be able to handle the pain of grief? I think about a friend of mine who went through this and I worry about me.

I can't even seem to handle things in life as it is. What if something like this were to happen and sent me to my breaking point again? I don't know if I could handle something like this.

Then there's the thought of my nephew. He's already 15 and he's the only child my brother and sister-in-law are going to have. That's it.  If and when I finally do have children, he will be so much older than his cousins. I think about that and I don't know if I'd want that for him.

I've talked about my thoughts on these things here before.

Sometimes I wonder what if? What if I don't end up finding "the one" and getting married? What if I decided not to have children? Would it be so bad?  It's certainly a possibility.

I don't know. I guess really, I don't feel like I can handle being an adult to be honest.   I can barely seem to handle my own life right now as it is.

Things can happen and I might feel differently about them when they do. But for now, it freaks me out too much.

Therapists

Can we just talk about how lucky I've been to have some wonderful therapists?

I have been lucky that most of my therapists have been pretty good. There was only one that didn't quite work out but I was able to find someone else.

All of my therapists have been nice and kind and I've felt comfortable with them. Even when my therapists were just counselor's at the Counseling Center, they were nice and I felt like they had my best interests at heart. The 2 therapists I had at the Psychology Clinic were pretty good too despite being in training doctoral candidates.

But by far, the best therapist I've ever had has been my current therapist. She is just great. She was the first one to diagnose me with depression and anxiety. She was basically the first one besides myself to figure out that I needed something more to help with my problems.

I'm not saying the other therapists were incompetent or horrible because they weren't.  They just probably didn't see the signs early enough. Because when I first started, things really weren't as bad as they got later.

Depression is hard to diagnose so it's not really surprising that it took so long to figure out that's what I had.
I just know that when I first went to see my therapist, she was quickly able to figure out that's what I had.
By then, I already figured that I needed more help than just counseling.

My therapist is just so wonderful. I am really grateful to have found her. She's the only person I feel understands me and can understand all my struggles. She helps me figure things out and just helps me feel better in general  about things.  She's also the person who can help me get my emotions all sorted out.

I just feel so fortunate to have found her especially in a small town like this.  I'm already concerned though about when I have to move away somewhere else.  It's not that I'm worried about starting over with someone else, because I've done that before. I'm more concerned that I won't find someone as great as her.

I know I'm just rambling now but I just really feel strongly about my therapist and am so thankful for what she has done. This  is why I wrote this post; to show my appreciation for all she's done.

So Thank You.

Let's talk about mental illness

So this past week, Monday, there was yet another tragic shooting in the United States. This is only the latest in what is turning out to be a series of unfortunate events. In order to avoid triggering events, I'm not going to get into detail about any of the events nor do I find it necessary to do so. If someone really wants to know more, feel free to search the web.

But one thing that all these events have in common is the people that caused them. No one really knows or understands why these people did what they did, but one thing seems to be a common factor among each of these individuals: they all are sufferers of some form of mental illness. At least that is what many in the media are saying about the individuals. 

All the individuals involved in these events have suffered from some sort of mental episode at some point or another. As tragic as these events have been, there is a bit of a positive side to them. Because these individuals have been said to have been suffering from some form of mental illness, it has opened communication about mental health. 

People are now talking about mental health more and what can be done to help individuals such as these. For the longest time, no one talked about mental health. It was kept quiet.  Now it's being brought out into the open. People are bringing more attention to mental health. They are talking about it more and advocating for it.

It's tragic that such events had to take place in order for mental health to be talked about but if changes happen that help avoid such events in the future, then that's the positive thing.  

Although I do have to admit, whenever the media talks about mental health in relation to these events, they seem to give it a negative connotation. They seem to speak negatively about mental illness. In a way, events such as these, give a negative view to mental health. These events don't explain all mental illnesses though. But because of these events, people feel that this is what people suffering from mental illness are all like. 

Events such as the one that took place on Monday paint a negative picture surrounding mental illness. People get the wrong idea about mental illness. They see these individuals and start to believe that anyone who suffers from a mental illness is like them. 

Those of us who suffer from mental illnesses know that this is far from the truth.  While yes, there are some people with mental health issues who go to the extremes but that's not all of us.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness does not mean you are someone who wants to go on a killing spree or hurt people.   Not everyone who has clinical depression wants to end their own life.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone who suffers from the same illness. Not everyone experiences a mental illness in the same way or even has the same symptoms.

As you know, I have clinical depression. I also have anxiety. I was officially diagnosed back in March. However, if you were to see me, you wouldn't know it right away.  I don't look any different from any other individual. I look fine.

And that's also where the whole thing of having an invisible illness comes in. Just because you don't look like you're sick, people don't believe you are sick.  But that's doesn't make it any less real. Those of us who are suffering, often suffer in silence because of this. Those of us who need help, feel helpless because people don't understand.

The only people who really understand, are the ones who have suffered themselves. That's when you truly understand what it's like to be depressed or anxious.  For those of us that suffer, every day is a struggle.

We fight each and every day to go about our lives like a normal, functional human being. We fight to keep going on our bad days.  We are fighters.

Believe me, it's hard. Having to put on a mask of sorts and pretend that you aren't miserable inside. Having to fight against your symptoms. Having emotions that you can't always explain to others.

I don't always know why I feel sad or why certain things cause me anxiety when they shouldn't.  But the fact that I get up and try to go about my life like normal, is a battle I face everyday. Somehow I keep going even though it seems hopeless at times.

A couple months after I was diagnosed, I went and saw the movie Iron Man 3. I was so excited to see this new Marvel movie after seeing the first 2. What I didn't expect, was to see Tony Stark being so human and relating to it.

Iron Man 3 takes place after the events in The Avengers. What happened in that movie, had a great impact on Tony Stark because he begins having panic attacks. When this first happened in the movie, it surprised me. Because I could relate to Tony. I knew the feeling.

I almost broke down crying because it just hit so close to home for me. To see a "hero" be so human. I was still relatively new to my diagnoses. I was still coming to terms with what having clinical depression and anxiety meant for me. Seeing this made me feel better. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone. It made me feel like I too could be Iron Man.

For me, Iron Man 3 was so much more than probably what a lot of moviegoers saw.  For me, in some ways, I saw myself.  I saw a movie that brought a mental illness to light and give it a powerful meaning.

I saw a movie that brought what anxiety is like in a very real way.  It brought to life what a mental disorder is really like. For that, I'm glad.  This gives me something to use in conversations with people when explaining my mental illnesses.

That's the thing about mental health. We need to talk about it more. Break the stigma surrounding it. If we talked about it more, then more people wouldn't be so afraid to ask for help. If we talked more about it, we could prevent horrible shooting tragedies from happening.

We take care of our physical health so why shouldn't we take care of our mental health?

I was strong enough to reach out and get help. Not everyone is like that though. So if you or someone you know is having a difficult time, please encourage them to get help. Don't let them suffer any longer than they need to.

You don't have to be alone in suffering.  If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll listen.

Why do these tears come at night?

"If there is nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"- Britney Spears, Lucky

I know you are probably tired of me talking about my mental health problems; my anxiety and depression. I can't help it though. This is my daily life now. For how long? Even I don't know the answer to that.

Since being diagnosed, I deal with this on a daily basis. I struggle with mental illness and it's just how it is.

I may not be dealing with this forever but I don't know that.  I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

The song lyric at the beginning describes my feelings recently. If nothing is wrong, then why do I still experience sadness? Why do the tears still come? Why do things still feel like they could be better than they are?

I got back from my therapy session earlier this afternoon. One of the things mentioned last week that we talked about today was about increasing my antidepressant dosage.

My therapist thinks I still need a bit of an increase and she convinced me that I need one too. I mean, I'm not against it but at the same time I guess I am.

I'm still struggling more than I probably should be. As my therapist told me, I still seem to be a bit teary and she's right. In addition to me feeling teary and unexplained bouts of sadness, my anxiety has been all out of sorts lately.  I guess I really do need another increase.

My therapist and I also talked about how long I've been suffering from depression and it's probably longer than even I thought. I know I've been suffering for at least a year.  Perhaps even longer.

I've been in and out of counseling for over a year. When I first began, I don't think I was really suffering from depression. I certainly have anxiety issues and have known that for some time. However, it wasn't as bad as it has gotten.

Counseling helped but not as much. Things still weren't that great. As it was, a friend of mine pointed out that I might need something more than just counseling. She was the first to suggest this and she turned out to be right. At the time I didn't really think much about it. Soon after being diagnosed and starting my antidepressant, I remembered what my friend had said.

Things certainly have improved. Yet, like I said, I still have moments of unexplained sadness and moments of heightened anxiety. Prior to being officially diagnosed, I couldn't seem to make it through a therapy session without breaking down in tears all the time. I didn't really understand what was going on with me.

I still get a bit teary during my sessions now but things aren't as bad as they were. I'm no longer breaking down completely in tears like I was.  Things were a lot worse than they are now.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't seem to keep myself from breaking down during my therapy sessions. Now I know.

As for my dosage having to be as high as it is, my therapist told me that I was probably at a really low place for a long time and because of that, it's going to take me a longer time to adjust and find the right dosage for me. It's going to take a longer time for me to finally begin recovering.

Also because my life isn't as settled as my brother's is right now, I'm under more stress and therefore, my depression is worse. I'm taking a higher dosage than he is.

Another thing my therapist said is that people who are under chronic stress are more likely to develop depression. That seems like what happened to me. I get stressed fairly easily and I don't handle it well. I'm a bit of a perfectionist,I'll admit.

I'm working on it but I know it's because of this that I stress out so much. So perhaps I did somehow develop depression partly because of that. Then again, I think I'm just someone who was more susceptible for various reasons.

I try so hard to hide my sadness especially from my parents. I just don't want them to worry about me more than necessary. I know they just want to help and want me to be happy. But this is my battle; my struggle.
They mentioned too that I still seem a bit teary to my therapist when they talked to her. So perhaps, I'm not hiding it as well as I thought.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling teary and feeling like breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I'm tired of my anxiety being high and not having a specific cause.

It's a trial and error process to find the right dosage and even to be diagnosed. Depression isn't that simple.

 "How do you know when you have it?"

The thing is, you don't really know and it's not that simple to diagnose either because each person can experience it differently. It's a complex mental illness.

I just hope I can get things sorted out soon.

Where is my happiness?

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm just so done with it all.

Look, I understand that being diagnosed with a mental illness is no easy thing. I know that it takes time to understand it and to come up with a plan for recovery.

Yet, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. I still feel like things could be better.

I was diagnosed back in March as having depression although, I've been suffering for at least a year. I also have anxiety which is not uncommon. A lot of people who have depression also have anxiety. 

I'm glad to finally have an answer to explain why I'm feeling this way but still it's not easy to explain to people. It's not easy to explain to people you have an illness that is invisible. They don't understand why some things are difficult for you to do.  

My parents don't quite understand although after meeting with my therapist last week, I feel they understand a little bit more than they did before. 

I don't know. I guess I just feel I should be at a much better place by now and I am. However, I also feel things could be even better than they are. It frustrates me sometimes that I'm still struggling. 

I'm impatient I'll admit. I want things to get better faster for my sake and so that I can get back to a sense of normalcy again. Yet, I also understand that because I've suffered for quite some time, things just won't be that easy. That for me, my recovery is going to take quite a while. 

I understand that I'm still going to have my ups and downs; there will still be bad days.  Yet, I'm tired. 

Here I am again tonight feeling sadness and heightened anxiety. I feel like breaking down in tears. There's no reason to explain any of this. 

I know I'm entitled to still feel this way but it's frustrating. I get upset with myself and my brain. I just want to feel happy again. Truly happy. Sometimes I feel I'll never feel that again. 

I feel happiness but then nights like tonight happen and I don't really know anymore. I get days where my anxiety levels are high and I get anxious in situations that I hadn't gotten anxious in before. 

My therapist and I are supposed to discuss my antidepressant dosage at our session tomorrow.  That's one thing that she mentioned at the end of last week after she finished talking to my parents.  

I understand that it also takes time to find the right dosage but it's also frustrating that I haven't found it yet. I think I do but then I have several nights where I feel my anxiety and depression more. That's when it makes me question if my dosage is correct.  

I've already had to up my dosage a couple times. I started off taking only 50mg and things starting improving a bit. After a couple of weeks I moved to 75mg. It seemed that 75mg was going to be fine especially as that was the dosage my brother is also taking. But then my therapist felt that things could still be better. A few more weeks later, I was upped to 100mg and that's where I've been since. 

I'm certainly in a better place than I was prior to beginning my antidepressant. I felt that 100mg was working just fine and I still feel like it is. However, now I'm not sure.

I've been feeling extremely anxious for the past few nights as well as feeling like breaking down in tears. I don't understand what's really going on. In a way, I'm feeling like I've gone backwards in terms of my recovery. In addition to my symptoms being worse than usual, I've noticed I've lost a bit of interest in things. 

Of course there has been a few things going on lately that have added stress to me which I'm sure hasn't helped. It's just been hard to feel like I'm truly getting better when I'm still under a lot of stress and pressure from family. Then again, I also feel like if it wasn't for this stress, I wouldn't know just how bad my mental health issues truly were. 

The thing is that part of me is a bit resistant to upping my dosage again. I feel like maybe I need a little more time to see. But then again, I've already been on this dosage for over a month now and things should be better than they are.  

I just feel that my dosage is already high. I guess I didn't realize just how much I was struggling. My mom commented that my dosage seems high when she asked me. I don't know. I guess it is a bit high and it certainly makes me feel a bit awkward that my dosage is higher than my older brother.

I mean, I know my brother is bad but I didn't think I was worse than he was. I guess I was wrong. Then again, depression is different for each person that has it. My struggles are certainly different than his. 

I guess it just takes some time to figure everything out. But I'm impatient. I'm tired. I just want to feel like a normal person again. Or as normal as I can be. I know that I'll probably never be "normal" in a sense but at least get to a point where I'm not feeling like I am tonight. 

I just wish my mind could sort itself out. 

Forgiven but not forgotten

Yesterday, my parents and I went to church for Sunday morning service.  Normally we go on Saturday evenings but we had other commitments during that time.

I happened to see a girl who was a Sunday school classmate of mine and who graduated high school the same year I did. Now this girl used to make fun of me. Yes, at Sunday school. She would say things that made me feel bad.

Eventually though, the girl stopped being mean to me apologized but it was too late. I could never trust her again. I couldn't feel comfortable around her ever again. She made me nervous still.

Even though we are both adults now, I can never forget what she did to me. I've mostly forgiven her but still harbor bad feelings because of what she did to me.  It's hard sometimes for me to be nice to her when I'd rather not be. I still feel like avoiding her.

This isn't the first time I've been picked on by others. I used to be picked on when I was going the Recreation Center.

I eventually grew to learn the names of my main tormentors. We didn't go to the same Elementary school but we did go to the same middle and high schools. I remembered them and how mean they had been to me.
They didn't really remember me. Still though, bad memories and feelings toward them remained.

I do forgive these people but at the same time, I can't forget what they did to me. I'm generally nice to them although part of me feels like I shouldn't be because of what they did to me.

They hurt me and made me feel miserable. They contributed to my lack of confidence and having trouble trusting people.

I can forgive them but I will never forget what they did.

A nagging feeling...

Something a bit strange has been going on with me. It's been on my mind since Thursday and I just can't put my finger on what it is that is bothering me. 

On Thursday, my parents and I went out of town to Las Cruces to pick up my new replacement laptop from Best Buy. It didn't take very long for me to get my new laptop and since it was close to lunchtime, we decided to have lunch at Si Senor. After lunch, we headed to the mall to walk around for a bit and window shop. 

At one point, I decided to check out Hot Topic and let my parents go ahead. I wasn't in the store very long but my parents were quite a ways ahead when I got out. I was passing by a cart and just looking around when the salesperson stopped me.  He said I had dropped something and I thought I actually had. It turns out it was just a cheesy thing to get me to talk to him. I "had dropped my beautiful smile". I laughed it off and was going to keep walking but he started talking to me and I didn't know how. 

He introduced himself to me and got me to sit down while he talked about the product he was selling. He wasn't mean or anything about it. To be honest he was charming and I know that's what got me. The product he was selling was a facial cleaner and he demonstrated what it did. In my mind, I was just wondering how soon I could tell him I wasn't interested and get away. 

Finally he got to talking about the deal he was offering that day and luckily I had an excuse. I told him I would be interested but I couldn't take his offer today because I didn't have the funds for it. I told him I was a student and trying to find a job. I thanked him for the information and apologized and I was finally free to go. 

But afterwards, I got this nagging feeling. I was also upset with myself for letting myself get worked into this. I just couldn't get it off my mind and I still can't. 

It finally occurred to me what it was about this situation that was bothering me. It was triggering for me. It brought back the memories of what happened to me. Briefly but still. I couldn't help but relate it to that. I was taken advantage of and I had let someone take advantage of me because I was too nice. 

That's the problem. I'm too nice and polite to say no. I let myself get talked into having the sales guy demonstrate his product to me. It was stupid and I regret it despite the fact that nothing bad happened.  

I still can't get off my mind. This has triggered bad memories for me. Not horribly but still. 

It makes me feel as though I have extremely low self-esteem and can be easily charmed by a guy telling me how pretty I am. Because that's what seemed to have happened. I'm too nice and polite to people at times and I know that's part of my problem.It makes me vulnerable.

I thought I was pretty good about letting people know I wasn't interested but I guess in reality, I'm not as good. 

 I've tried to shake this feeling and what happened but I'm having trouble doing so.  I don't really get why something this simple is making me feel the way I am. 

But then again, perhaps I do get why at the same time. 

Early warning signs

The more I think about things like my childhood and growing up, the more I realize that perhaps there were early signs that could have led me to where I am now. Things that I never thought about before.

I've always felt as though my childhood was mostly happy. I felt like I was a happy child. I had struggles like any normal child but I felt I survived things ok.

I struggled to make friends. I was left out of things and picked on because I was thought to be "different". I was the weird girl; more studious than many of my so called "friends". I was definitely nerdy and am proud of that fact.

Yet despite all that, I still feel as though my childhood was mostly positive. So how did I end up with depression and anxiety at age 25?

I know I've almost always tended to be more of an emotional type of person. I've mention how the other kids labeled me as a "Crybaby" and how I hated it. But I was emotional. I still am and sometimes I hate that I am.

Still though, I wouldn't think that would be any reason for me to be the way I am now and perhaps not.

The more I think about things though, the more I realize that perhaps there were signs that I recognize now that I wouldn't have back then. Things that seemed normal at the time.

For one thing, looking back on it, I guess I could say that I suffered from a bout of depression during 8th grade.I felt like I was constantly between fights with my friends and I hated it. I also was left out a lot with some of my friends when it came to things. 8th grade was just basically a struggle for me.

I turned to writing a lot during this time. I wrote stories and poetry to express how I felt. Several times that year, I went to the counselor because I was just so frustrated and tired. A couple times, I felt like I just wanted to disappear just so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I didn't want to hurt myself in any way but it certainly worried some of my friends when I told them that.  I thought I was happy but maybe I wasn't really.  Especially looking back on it now. Perhaps I did have some depression. I just know that during this time and continuing during 9th grade, I wrote a lot of poetry and felt so alone.

Then there's my anxiety. I guess I was a bit of a scaredy cat as a child.  I've never really been one that likes to go out of my comfort zone very much. I'm not even a thrill seeker. As it is, when I went to Disney World for the first time when I was 6, I was scared to go on many of the rides. When we went to the water park a few summers later, I was scared to go on the water rides. I still get anxiety over some things. When we went to Wet N' Wild last summer, I was anxious about going on some of the rides at first. I was more nervous than excited even though once I went on the ride, I was generally fine.

I guess my anxiety has been around longer than I think. It just sort of escalated to the point it is now.
My therapist agreed with me when I mentioned this to her. I thought my anxiety was a relatively new thing but perhaps not.  I wouldn't have thought about it.

I'm not saying any of this has anything to do with my mental health struggles now but perhaps they were early signs.  I'm sure there are many things that could have contributed to things being the way they are now.  Perhaps I was just more susceptible for one reason or another.

Mental health struggles don't always make sense. Mine certainly are more complicated than I originally thought.

Summer of Disappointment (and some fun)

I haven't written a post recently but I do have a couple that I started writing but just didn't finish. Some of that is due to reasons that I will soon explain but I hope to have those completed at some point in the near future.

I've been doing ok since my last post. Things have improved and I'm certainly feeling a lot happier than I was. However, it's hard to start truly feeling better when I still dealing with some of the same stress I have been dealing with since I graduated and moved back home.

This summer hasn't really been all that great for me. I'm still battling my depression and anxiety issues for one.  I'm still without a job despite applying at several places. I have done some fun things this summer despite but mostly I've felt like I've just disappointed my parents. At least that's how it seems.

My road to recovery hasn't been easy though. For starters, I've had to change my dosage of my antidepressant from my initial 50mg to 75mg and then to 100mg. At first it seemed as though 75mg was working but I kept having symptoms more than I should.  I think I've finally found the correct dosage as I'm starting to feel much happier and having less moments where my symptoms get in the way.  I'm glad about that although I still have moments. However, they aren't as frequent as they were.

Anyways, going back to the fun things I've done this summer. For starters, over memorial day weekend, I went to Scottsdale,AZ to stay with my brother and his family and to go to Phoenix Comic Con. This was my 3rd year going and I enjoy it so much.  I cosplayed as Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls, Ms. Frizzle, Clara Oswin from Doctor Who, and Minty Zaki, a racer from the Sugar Rush game from Wreck-it-Ralph.  It was a fun and exhausting weekend.

I also stayed for a little while after Con. Firstly, to recover from the weekend and second, to try and make attempts to find a job. I did apply for a couple of places like Bookman's and Build-A-Bear but they didn't have anything open at the time.

I brought my nephew back to New Mexico to stay for the summer and he was here for about 2 months. During that time we didn't do a whole lot as there really isn't a lot to do. I finally started getting my motivation back and started applying for a few more jobs but still not having much luck. My nephew and I played video games or watched some things on Netflix.  He mostly played games on the computer and he helped out at the library and went to Teen Cafe.

My nephew and I spent one weekend watching movies and playing video games while my parents were out-of-town.  That was a lot of fun. On the downside though, while my nephew was here, I was rarely left alone. He would keep coming into my bedroom and bother me.  He'd constantly want to show me things on the computer. I mean I love him but it got to be too much at times.

I still enjoyed having him here though. Once we went to El Paso to the Build-a-Bear store and I bought him a smallfry Flamingo and I bought myself a smallfry turtle and a pink kitty that I named Strawberry Fields.  We also saw several movies that came out while he was here. One of them being Monster's University. We both enjoyed the movie so much that we made hats.

For the 4th of July, we stayed here. We grilled some hot dogs and had some some sides. We had bought a few fireworks to set off and my nephew was in charge this year. We also watched the city fireworks and had our traditional S mores for dessert. Before I took him back home toward the end of July, we went to Wet n' Wild like we did last summer and had fun.

I took him back on July 26 and stayed with my brother and his family for 3 weeks.  Once again, I tried to find a job while I was there. Once again, I didn't have much luck. I applied for several places that weren't even in the library. Still no luck. Not to mention I got homesick and the stress caused my depression to worsen.

To make matters worse, I was without a laptop during the 3 weeks I was gone. Which is part of the reason I also haven't updated.  The day I arrived in Scottsdale, I had a project for the Adult Summer Reading Program that I needed to finish and I did. It was a Scavenger Hunt that I had to type up. I had helped put it together with another librarian and just needed to finish it up. I was able to finish it and send it off.

I was having some problems with my computer so I decided to shut it off and restart it. But when I did that, my computer wouldn't restart. One of the USB ports had broken and I don't know if that caused my computer to crash but whatever the reason, my computer just stopped working. It wouldn't even boot up. So I had to use my brother's computer in the meantime which also meant kicking my nephew off of it. I would also go to the public library and use their computers to apply for jobs.

I had my computer checked out twice to be sure it was broken. The first place I took my computer was near the ASU campus and they told me that my computer was completely dead. They said they couldn't even retrieve information from the hard drive. I would have fine without my files but the more I started thinking about them, the more I realized I had some pretty important files that I was afraid of losing. So I took my computer to Best Buy's Geek Squad for a second opinion. I was pretty sure my computer was dead but was still hoping they could at least recover the files. Luckily they were able to do so. They also confirmed my laptop was dead and recommended I purchase a new one.So I looked at some new ones.  I told the people exactly what I was looking for in a laptop and they were able to recommend one for me.

I was going to buy the laptop while I was there in Arizona but I decided not to. After talking with my parents, I decided to see if they could purchase the same laptop during Tax-free weekend in New Mexico. That way I could save some money. So that's what they did. I had sent them the information for the laptop and they were able to get the one that I wanted.

I finally had a laptop but I didn't have it with me until I got home. I was just getting extremely homesick and wanting to come back home. I wasn't having much luck finding a job and just was ready to come back for various reasons. I wanted my own room back and my own bed. I missed things being more organized. My dad wanted me to stay longer to see if I heard back but I just couldn't do it.

I stayed through my nephew's 15th birthday which was August 7. He also started high school that day. That weekend we celebrated his birthday with all of us as my brother had to work the evening of my nephew's birthday.  We went to a movie on my nephew's actual birthday and I took him out for frozen yogurt. On Saturday, we went to a Laser Tag place and then went to my nephew's favorite restaurant, Famous Dave's BBQ.

I came home on that Monday afterwards. I had only had one possibility for a job out of all the ones I'd applied for while there. It was for a job at the Harkin's movie theater. But they hadn't contacted me regarding a job yet so I just came home.

I was anxious to come home but not at the same time because I felt I had failed. I felt like I disappointed my parent's. I'd left without a job and was returning without a job. I knew I was coming back to the stress and pressure from them wanting me to find a job. But I couldn't stay with my brother any longer. I wanted my bed and comforts of home.

So I came back. I also wanted to come home and set up my new laptop. I was tired of using someone else's computer. It's just not the same when it's not your own. I was so glad to be home and to have space and privacy again.

It was nice to have my own computer again. I got home and set it up soon after I had finished unpacking.  I love my new computer and was getting used to it. I even named it "Gipsy Danger" (One of the Jager's from Pacific Rim). Everything seemed to be going fine. I redownloaded a few programs and installed my new Office. I was getting things back to normal. Then last Saturday, my laptop wouldn't turn on. It had worked fine the night before when I shut it down. I hadn't even had the laptop turned on for a week yet. So we took a trip to Las Cruces to the Best Buy store to see what was wrong.

Turns out that my laptop was defective and they had to order a replacement for me. Apparently my laptop is popular and they were sold out both at the store and in El Paso.  My new laptop was set to arrive yesterday (Thursday). So once again I was without a laptop until then. I just seem to be having bad luck with laptops lately!

I was even planning to write a blog post that Saturday when I went to turn it on but obviously I couldn't do that. At least this time I had a computer that I could use without having to kick someone off every time. I'm so glad to have my own computer again though. So far everything seems to be going fine with this one and I hope it stays that way.

It takes a bit of the stress out of my life. I felt so lost without having a laptop.  I was already dealing with enough as it is. This just added to things.   Now I can start feeling a bit better.

Just being home has seemed to have done wonders for my mood too. At least right now. This week just seems to be much better. I seem happier.  My situation hasn't changed much but I'm feeling ok about it right now. Then again I also have a bit of a distraction at the moment.

On Sunday August 18th, I got Disney Infinity for the Wii!! I had pre-ordered the game earlier this summer. I was so excited! It's Disney which I love!! The Starter set comes with Sulley, Captain Jack, and Mr. Incredible. Because I had preordered at GameStop, I received an additional figurine for free. I chose Mike from Monster's University. Now that I think about it though, I probably should have gone for Violet from The Incredibles and waited to buy Mike with the Sidekicks pack since now I want to get the others from the set. I also got a blind pack of Power Discs and I was lucky to get the power discs from Sugar Rush for both the sky and the textures in the Toy Box. I've been busy playing the game since I got it on Sunday. Well, playing the play sets for them. Since I didn't have a laptop for the past few days after I got the game, I had the game to keep me occupied.

It's also keeping my mind off things. Although it's also a bit problematic in that sense. I'd much rather be doing other things like playing my game instead of doing job search stuff. But it has relieved some of the stress. I'm just such a big Disney fan in the first place and this game just takes me into that world. It's a well-needed distraction. So with the combination of the video game, the comforts of being back home again, a new laptop, and the feeling as though my antidepressant is finally working; it's felt like it's been a relatively good week for me.

One of the things I failed to mention was that while I was gone, it was hard for me to deal with things as I didn't have my therapist to talk to. I was gone for 3 weeks and I was under some emotional stress during that time trying to deal with everything. It felt as though my depression and anxiety worsened while I was in Arizona. I felt like things had taken a step backwards; almost like things were like before.  I felt like my coping techniques just weren't working as well. A couple of times, I seriously wished I had my therapist to talk to. I mean, I probably could have called her but as I was out of state, I felt it wouldn't have been as helpful. It got to the point where I actually considered going to a Behavioral Health Hospital and going to their Psychiatric Emergencies Center just to see if they could help me get out of my head and just let me talk to someone. I just needed to talk to someone about everything I was dealing with.

I'm glad to be home though and glad to be seeing my therapist again. I didn't even wait very long to make an appointment when I got back. I returned on Monday and I called and got an appointment for that Thursday. It just felt so nice to get things off my mind.  I felt so much better afterwards.  I just felt a sense of relief as I'd been feeling quite worked up for the last couple weeks.  I think that's also helping me to feel better.

I'm hopeful things will start turning around for me soon. I'm hopeful I'll find a job soon. I need to find one soon so that I can truly start feeling better. Right now, that's hard to do. It's so hard to not keep getting discouraged. I feel like giving up. I'm just so done with it all. The more they push, the less motivated I seem to be. I'm just so frustrated with everything.  I feel like I can't win as I'm either over or under qualified for things I apply for that aren't library related. I just want someone to give me a chance to prove myself.

It's just so hard.

One final thing that I did this summer is that last weekend was the county fair. So there's that. My parent's and I go on Friday night in the early evening before it gets too crowded. We have our normal corn on the cob and stuffed sopapillas and funnel cake. We play a few rounds of bingo and then we walk around. I don't ride any rides anymore because I can't (I get motion sickness). But I enjoy watching other people on the rides. The only ride I will ride anymore is the Ferris Wheel but even that I haven't done in awhile just because I haven't. But still, it's just nice to go to the fair.

So pretty much my summer has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Mostly downs though it seems. I'm not looking forward to the months ahead either. I'm just not very enthusiastic or hopeful for things to come because so far nothing has changed much.

Things need to change and soon. I hope they do for my sake. I don't know how much longer I can handle all this.

But overall, I am doing ok. I'm still fighting despite it all and that's really the most important thing.

A long time

Ever since being officially diagnosed with depression, I can't help but wonder why it took so long for me to be diagnosed. I realize it's a tricky thing to diagnose. But still, I wonder why it took this long when I know I've been struggling for quite some time.

There's enough evidence to show that I've been struggling.  Just look at my blog posts here and on my writing Tumblr. You can see it.

In fact it was one of my good friends that was the first to suggest I might need medicine to help me. She suggested this quite a while back ago too. She could see how much I was struggling and had experienced some of the same things herself. She picked up on some things, long before a therapist ever did.

I've been in therapy/counseling for some time. Yet, none of my therapists or counselors ever seemed to pick up on the fact I might have depression. Or if they did, they never mentioned it to me. I don't blame them at all though.  I just wish they would have picked up on the fact earlier. Perhaps then things would be a bit better right now. I wouldn't have had to wait so long for me to start truly feeling better.Then again perhaps the early signs just weren't there at the time.

When I first sought counseling I had other things going on that took me there in the first place. None of it really doing with depression. I don't really feel like I was suffering from depression. I've said before how I felt I was borderline for depression and I felt like that for quite a while. Yet, still my therapists didn't say anything to me. It wasn't until my last semester; Fall 2012 semester, that I really felt like I went over that line. I felt like I really started feeling the symptoms of depression.

Things just seemed to get worse from there. I really hit a low point and no matter what I did, I just couldn't shake it off.  Things just added to my struggles when I had to move back home after failing to get a job there in Denton.

I had to get help and fast. I was not getting any better and having important decisions to make was making things even harder. By this point, I strongly suspected that I was suffering from depression.  Too many signs were there.

My first session with my new therapist and she pretty much confirmed it for me then. By our second session, she further confirmed it and suggested that I might need an antidepressant to help me out even more.

All this time or at least for the last year, and not once did anyone ever consider it. Although, I've said before that I believe my last therapist was about to diagnose me but we ran out of time. 

One session with this therapist and she was able to tell right away.  It took this long for me to find the answers and help I've been needing. It took all this time for me to start getting on the road to normalcy again.  To start feeling better.

I guess they just didn't see it. Perhaps I wasn't showing the typical early signs at the beginning and by the time they picked up on the idea that I might be struggling with depression, it was too late. Meaning that I had moved away.

I don't know how much things would be different had I been diagnosed earlier. Certainly things would be much easier for me right now. I wouldn't be having as much trouble making certain decisions.

The point is that while it took me some time to be officially diagnosed, I have finally been diagnosed. I can stop wondering so much. I have an answer now.

On being diagnosed with depression

I realize I've been talking about this a lot lately both here and on my writing Tumblr but it's for good reason.After all, this is a big thing to be diagnosed with.

There's a difference between thinking you have something and actually being diagnosed with it. When it's more official, things are different.

I've said time and time again that you shouldn't diagnose yourself and you shouldn't. Yet I have done so a couple times. However, with me, I did some pretty extensive research and looked at a lot of evidence I had before I came to a decision. But even despite all that, I still held out reservation until a medical professional confirmed or denied it for me.

So going back to being diagnosed with depression.For several months now, I've seriously considered the possibility of me having depression and pretty much confirmed it for myself even though no one had really said so.  I already had anxiety issues and have for some time but not depression.

This last semester of grad school was really terrible for me. It wasn't so much the stress from my courses or even the stress from my End of Program exams that was bothering me. It was more the panic of graduating and having to find a job and the possibility of moving again that was really getting to me.

There was just so much for me to handle and I just felt like I couldn't. I was in therapy and it seemed to be helping but sometimes it just felt so long between sessions. I honestly felt like I was slowly getting worse the closer it got to me graduating. The last few sessions, I was really feeling anxious and just really down.  It was horrible.

I was having trouble sleeping and just feeling out of it.  Not really happy. The thought of me having depression came up in my mind. Particularly when my last therapist started asking me questions;.  Questions I just knew were used to diagnose depression. Although, she still didn't diagnose me or say anything to me if she had. 

I knew something was going on with me, even if my therapist wasn't saying anything. I knew something wasn't right. So I researched and pretty much diagnosed myself with depression. There were just far too many symptoms I was dealing with that matched up to be coincidental.

But I didn't really know if it was true depression I was dealing with or just symptoms of it.If that makes any sense.  I just knew something was going on with me mentally that I couldn't really control.

The last couple of months things have really been difficult for me emotionally. I needed help and so I finally found it.  When I met my current therapist, I told her I was dealing with some anxiety and depression issues. She asked me some questions and pretty much confirmed it for me that I did have depression. At our sessions since then, things I've told her just continue to confirm her diagnoses.

It's a huge relief to be officially diagnosed but at the same time it's different. Facing the reality of being diagnosed is much different when you suspect it but not officially diagnosed.

The feelings about it have changed now that I've been officially diagnosed. My life as I know it has changed. Instead of wondering, I now know. I have to adapt to a new normal and learn to adjust to things differently.

Being officially diagnosed isn't going to change who I am though. Well, not in a negative way. It's hopefully going to help me become a better person though. It's going to help me move forward.

But I'm still me and that's not going to change.

Now that I've been diagnosed and am getting the help I need for it, I can get back to "normal'. 

Depression is a serious thing and I encourage anyone that thinks they need help to seek it.Trust me. Things will be much better once you do.

Where it began?

Ever since being officially diagnosed as having depression and anxiety, I can't help but think about where it really been began? How long have I really been struggling with this and why did it take so long for me to be officially diagnosed?

It can't be denied that I've been suffering with mental health issues for some time now. There's enough proof in my blog posts both here and on Tumblr to show this.  Just rereading my posts, I can see that I haven't truly been happy in quite some time. I can see that I've been in a low point in my life for a long time and have slowly gotten worse as time has gone on.

To me, it seems as though I've been slowly getting worse over this past year. However, I know that I've been struggling for longer than that. Thinking about it, I feel like I've been struggling with possible depression at least as long as I first moved to Denton.

I've mentioned time and time again how I first sought counseling back in Fall 2009 for a nervous breakdown. But things were ok after that or at least they seemed to be ok until the chaos happened during my graduation week in May 2010.

I think that chaos plus moving to a whole new place and basically started over was just too much for me. I didn't have time to think or really grieve for everything that happened. But I really didn't focus too much on it either. At least not at first.

I was too busy trying to settle myself in and focus on getting going with my graduate school classes. I know I struggled a great deal that first semester but I survived.  I made it through.

But when I really stop to think about it, perhaps things weren't doing as well as I thought. I guess I just tried to not think about it so much. Things were certainly stressful for me my first semester. Graduate school was a whole new experience for me. It was a lot more involved and while I knew it was going to be, it still was different when you actually experience it.

I guess it was really around this time that I would say that perhaps I really started struggling with mental health issues. However, I guess because I was so focused on my studies, I tended not to notice nearly as much. That and I attributed most of it to just the normal stress of grad school.

I thought I was happy or mostly happy. I did have moments of sadness but I thought it was just because I was stressed out. Now I'm wondering if these moments weren't early signs and I just didn't think much about them.

Spring 2011 semester started off a little better I thought. I felt that after successfully passing a semester's worth of grad classes, I was on my way. I still got stressed out but that's just how I tend to be. I tend to push myself to do well at things. Sometimes too much.  Again there were moments of sadness but again, I didn't look into them that much.

Then The Incident happened and everything just seemed to fall apart after that. I feel like that was the breaking point for me. I was already stressed out from my college courses and was missing my old life in Oklahoma a bit; I was basically finally grieving for what I left behind.  Not to mention, I was starting to feel lonely. Then to have that added on top of everything.

I think that was when I really hit rock bottom or at least I felt like I had.  I wasn't happy. I felt like gray clouds were hanging over me.  I knew I needed help and went and sought counseling on the University campus. I honestly remember taking an online depression screening around this time just because I was a bit curious to see what the results would be. But it turned out negative for depression and so I didn't think too much about it.

I returned to the Student Counseling Center in Fall 2011 because I felt like I needed to return.  I felt that I still needed help.  It was during this time that I was referred to the Psychology Clinic.

All this information has been mentioned previously. So I'm just basically repeating it again.
However, throughout my entire 2.5 years in Denton,  I can honestly say that I don't feel like I was ever really happy there. I'd say that that moving there in Fall 2010 was the beginning of my depression although I didn't recognize it at first or even think about it.

Looking back on it now after being officially diagnosed, I can see that I was never really happy. I don't think I ever really recovered from the disappointment and chaos and then to have other things added on top of that. It's almost not too surprising that I have been diagnosed with depression.

I feel like I've really only been suffering with true depression since last year; the beginning of Fall 2012 semester. At least that's when it really seemed to hit me. I know I was unhappy. I just felt so much unexplained sadness and just was really struggling. I was miserable.

However, I went undiagnosed (as far as I know) until recently. I'm not blaming my therapists or anything but I just wonder why it took so long. Although (and  I've mentioned this before), I felt like my last therapist was close to diagnosing me and would have but we ran out of time. At one of our last couple of sessions, she asked me questions that I know are used to diagnose depression. She was also extremely concerned about me finding another therapist when I moved back home.

Basically, I'm sure I would still have been diagnosed at some point especially since I honestly feel like I've been suffering for so long. I'd say at least 2 years although I didn't really feel like I was suffering from depression until last year. Also with the amount of counseling/therapy I've had and with little improvement in the way things are in my life,  things are obviously aren't that simple. 

So I have depression and when I think back on it, I've been suffering with it for quite some time.
But at least I sought help before it got any worse. Hopefully, I was able to catch it early enough before it got too extreme. From what I can tell, it was already pretty bad but at least now I don't have to suffer too much longer. 

Now I'm on my way to getting better.  Depression is complicated. I may have some idea of when it began. But who really knows how long I've been suffering from it?